It comes and goes in phases, the loneliness, but sometimes it's not just a phase.
It's truth. You remember the past few years, who was in your life, how close they were, and where they are now.
You realize this has all happened before, and it is all happening again. The cycle of loneliness.
Earlier this week I was holding my neighbor's hand, semi-consciously crying about dying, she tried to OD. I felt so for her, because I know how that feels, and I died a little more inside.
That's where drugs helped, to make me feel. Happy, sad, pain... anything. I used to tell myself, you can't silence the voice in your head, but you can kill the part that listens. It helped... for a while. Thats all over now... all or nothing and I can't spend another birthday in hospital. No thank you. So my dreams are all I have left, to make me... feel emotion.
I'm always totally committed. I feel betrayed that my lovers took advantage of that, now I won't let anyone take advantage of that ever again.
Now... I can't deal with real world love. I get angry, sad, defensive and unhappy when I see love. It reminds of how mine was betrayed, and it hurts like ******* hell. Flip the coin, and I can't ignore how much I want that in my life again. I can't kill that voice in my skull.
I'm a living contradiction, a failed being and a lost soul. And I would do it all over again.
/vent
It's truth. You remember the past few years, who was in your life, how close they were, and where they are now.
You realize this has all happened before, and it is all happening again. The cycle of loneliness.
Earlier this week I was holding my neighbor's hand, semi-consciously crying about dying, she tried to OD. I felt so for her, because I know how that feels, and I died a little more inside.
That's where drugs helped, to make me feel. Happy, sad, pain... anything. I used to tell myself, you can't silence the voice in your head, but you can kill the part that listens. It helped... for a while. Thats all over now... all or nothing and I can't spend another birthday in hospital. No thank you. So my dreams are all I have left, to make me... feel emotion.
I'm always totally committed. I feel betrayed that my lovers took advantage of that, now I won't let anyone take advantage of that ever again.
Now... I can't deal with real world love. I get angry, sad, defensive and unhappy when I see love. It reminds of how mine was betrayed, and it hurts like ******* hell. Flip the coin, and I can't ignore how much I want that in my life again. I can't kill that voice in my skull.
I'm a living contradiction, a failed being and a lost soul. And I would do it all over again.
/vent
