This is all going to be fairly disorganized and I have no idea how long this is going to be. I've just had a lot of things pent up inside me and I stumbled upon this forum and it seems like this is a good place to let it out and talk to other people about it. Because I have so much to say I'm probably going to go off on a lot of tangents. Hopefully it's still coherent enough that you can understand what I'm trying to say
Let me first give you a bit of background about me.
I'm currently in my second term of mech eng. I was very smart as a child. I skipped grade one and have had a fairly easy time with school since then. In grades two and three I was at a public school, but my mom ended up taking me out and putting me at a private school because both my sister(two years younger) and I were having problems with being bullied(obviously not the best solution but that's what she wanted to do...). I didn't have very many friends there, if any. I spent my grade 4-6 years at this private school. I made friends at school, but they were school friends(IE. I almost never saw them outside of school aside from birthday parties etc.). I had one friend outside of school that I spent a lot of time with during these years. Ironically, it was the same person who was bullying me in grade 3(he lived across the street from me).The school closed down at the end of my 6th year and I moved to the other private school in town. I actually made some friends here and while I wasn't seeing them often outside of school, I occasionally went out with them which was good I guess. I still spent a lot of time with this out of school friend though(he's currently the only guy that I know that I really consider to be a friend). In grades 7-8 I also really took up an interest in basketball. I worked my ass off on it trying to make up for the fact that a lot of the kids I was playing with had been playing longer than I had(I didn't do much in the way of sports when I was very young). I was trying to get onto a competitive team outside of school and while I didn't make that, I did get on to a school team. It was really something that I enjoyed and I spent the majority of my summer practicing by myself or with my only friend. He was faster than I was and a lot more coordinated but I could shoot much better than he could. We played really well together.
When I got into high school the first few months of school were great. I was making friends and going out more often than I usually did. My only friend from before really didn't like these people, but I tried to maintain friendships with both groups. But something happened in December. I don't know what it was. I started doing a lot of work on this science fair project for the city science fair in april(I was doing stuff in my mom's lab at her work). I also started playing an online game(Runescape). The tryouts for the high school junior basketball team were at this time as well. I ended up getting cut from the team and I was just so crushed that I totally lost interest in the game. I mean, I went in from grade 8 knowing that I was very unlikely to make the team in grade 9...I don't know what it was. At this time I pretty much dropped off the face of the planet. I rarely saw the friends that I had at high school anymore. I talked a bit with my only friend(we shared rides to and from school since we were across the street) but from then on I was mostly just going to school(and still maintaining great grades) and playing this game.
It continued like this for the rest of my grade 9 and 10 years. I still saw my friend from time to time but he saw other people more than he did me. In grade 10 I took up cross-country running for the school team and actually did quite well for my first year. I stuck with it through high school and while I never did as well as I did in grade 10, I continued to do it and run out of school just because the endorphins made me feel better. My friend ended up taking up a MMO as well in the spring of grade 10. He eventually persuaded me to start playing with him in my first semester of grade 11. I really liked this game and was just so happy that I was able to reconnect with my friend, even if it was through an online game. From then on I've found it a little hard or awkward to talk with him in real life, although it is manageable. I never really had much in the way of other friends throughout high school. I stayed in every night.
One thing that I really liked about high school was my grade 10, 11 and 12 french electives that I took. The people in that class were a lot of fun. It was in those classes that I made two female friends that I talked to a lot in those classes, but never really saw much of outside of those classes aside from random and very infrequent things that I was invited to. I still talk to them off and on and met up with them over the thanksgiving break last term. I always felt like I was more energized around them, more human and I just felt happier. In those french classes and around them I did a lot of silly but fun things that I probably wouldn't have done otherwise.
There was this other girl in those classes that I really started talking to a lot in my 12th grade french class. It became apparent to me around december and january that she was interested in me and that I was interested in her. I don't know why I never asked her out or tried to get to know her better. I knew that she had broken up with some other guy recently, but I didn't know how long ago and I thought it would be awkward to ask. I also didn't want to be a ****** by picking her up on the rebound. I kind of thought to myself that that was the reason why she was interested in me. I also didn't end up asking her out because I thought I was going to have a tough term ahead and I wanted to get into my university of choice. In hindsight it wasn't that tough of a term and I really wish that I had asked her out or at least made an effort to get to know her better.
Part of it was that I really felt awkward doing so. I never saw her outside of that class and the teacher was very nosey. I got the feeling that she was a very lonely person outside of her job and was looking to connect with other people in what ever way she could, even if it was with students. I tried to be nice to this teacher though. I really wish now though that I had made the effort. I saw this girl off and on in the library in my second term and asking her out was always on my mind when I was talking to her...but I don't know, I got mixed feelings about whether she was still interested in me or not. I thought that this was because I was stagnating. Anyway I never asked her out
Wow that was a tangent. Anyway, I've been playing MMOs since then with my friend and a couple of other guys of assorted ages that I've met online. We talk in ventrilo while playing pretty much every day. These aren't the kind of friends though that I can open myself up to and pour out my emotions. I've never really had anybody like that. I even have a hard time speaking my true mind to my parents.
Here I am now in first year university. I've always been very reserved and I find it hard to start conversations with people or keep them going. My sister is very different. She was a lot like me when we were young, but when she got into grade 7 she started becoming a lot more social than I ever was. She's a lot more talkative than I am. She's really the only person I find that I can hold a conversation of any length with. It's not just that she's talkative, it's that when I talk to her I actually come up with questions to ask her to keep the conversation going for at least a small period of time. I find that the only conversations I can really hold are when people ask me about school stuff or how co-op interviews are going and then I ask them the same. Things usually die after that...
My frosh week was fun but I didn't make any friends. I got to know my roommates a bit(one of them was from my high school so I already know him a bit). I wouldn't say we're really friends though. They have friends that they bring over a lot that I talk to a bit. They're pretty much only the human contact I get aside from very brief conversations in class or work with the FSAE team(I'll get to this in a bit). I was continuing to run cross country for the first week but I dropped out of it because I had a class that conflicted with one of the major workout days and FSAE team meeting conflicted with the other. I was intending to continue to run but I haven't been. Maybe I'll start up again when I feel that I have more time during my co-op term
I joined the Formula SAE team at my school. It's a student team that builds a small scale formula car every year to race in competitions against other schools. I'm not a designer, but I've been doing machining and CAD work for the designers that I've really enjoyed. I've also gotten to talk with upper year students and ask about co-op and when mech eng really starts to get interesting(I've enjoyed the physics and math so far but the "mechanical engineering" so far has been pretty lame because we don't have the math + physics yet to understand real problems). But it's the same thing again, the only conversations I seem to be capable of making are about school related things.
There are some people in my class who I like and would really like to get to know better and become friends with, but I really just don't know how to begin. I feel that even if I did, I wouldn't do it because I'm pretty reserved. There's also this girl that I'm interested in. She's not overly attractive, but I feel that I really like what I've seen so far of who she is. I'd like to get to know her better but I'm really a socially awkward person(As I've said I have a hard time carrying a conversation on anything other than school/work related things...) and I fear that if I did hit it off with her, I doubt that the relationship would last smoothly for the next 5 years(I'm in a co-op program so it's 5 years) and if it didn't, it would be really awkward to see her in classes etc. That and there's this other guy that she talks with a lot. I really don't know how to judge it, and to be able to really judge it I'd have to be talking with them. This guy also spends a lot of time with this other girl(who I have absolutely no interest in. I just don't think she's a very interesting person).
This kind of leads me back to how I perceive myself. When I try to look at how I am and how I interact with other people, I just don't see anything interesting. I see myself as a boring person who can only make dry conversation about school and doesn't really seem to show much in the way of emotion(I find it hard to show emotion unless I'm thinking about something to myself or talking with my dad/sister one on one). It doesn't help that I'm really scrawny(I'm about 6 feet tall and 135 pounds...I can almost get my hand around my bicep and encase my mid thigh with my hands put together...and my hands are smaller than most people's). I just don't see what anybody else, whether it be a potential friend or girlfriend, would see in me. I WANT to talk to other people. I WANT to listen to them and help them out. I'm usually a helpful person and willing to do a lot to help other people out. I just feel like I'm caught in a loop of not talking to people and hiding my emotions. I don't intentionally do it because I'm somewhat intelligent and I feel that other people are below me or something like that. I just really don't know how to talk to other people, how to relate with them and how to create meaningful friendships. And I feel like when I do make conversation, it's just me saying small random filler things that I've heard people say before(IE somebody says something a little crazy and I reply "you need to settle down there" jokingly) or making south park/random video references that I know **** well most people have no idea what I'm talking about.
Something weird became apparent to me today. I was coming back from my midterm and I knew that there were some people in rez trying to organize a big game of manhunt. They had planned to be playing 45 minutes before I had gotten back but when I came into the lobby I saw 3 people standing around(one of which was one of the people organizing it) and I knew that they were waiting for more people(and I was sure that more people were not going to come). The guy started talking to me and asking if I was interested in playing. I had no intention of playing, but I told him that I was going to go drop my stuff off upstairs and then come down, possibly getting my roommates to come too. I knew **** well when I told him that that I had no intention of ever coming back down. It became apparent to me that I lie to people about other obligations in order to get out of social activities. Kind of anti-social. I haven't really participated in a lot of activities in rez, mostly because they haven't interested me much. There was this LAN party that a guy was hosting on my floor downstairs. I kind of wanted to go but I managed to convince myself that it wasn't worth it because I had gotten back later than it began(I had a midterm that day) and that it would be too much work to bring my PC downstairs. They were playing Counter strike:source as well(I would have preferred to be playing Battlefield 2) but I knew that that was because it was relatively easy to install on everybody's computers and that pretty much any machine made within the past 10 years was capable of running it.
I know that I need to make an effort some how to get over this all. But I doubt that even if had an idea of what to do I probably wouldn't do it. I know that I could ignore all of this and my emotions and manage just fine. That's pretty much what I've done for my university experience so far and most of my high school experience(except for parts that I highlighted) and I'm still doing really well in school(90+ average, although I know it's first year so it's really easy anyways...) and I have a co-op job in the first round of selections(most people are lucky to get an interview in first round, let alone two interviews and a job offer from one of them). I know that I could continue to live like I am, which involves going to class, helping out on the FSAE team with what I can, doing homework and gaming with my online buddies. I just feel like there's more to life than this and that I'm missing out
I kind of feel like I'm just feeling sorry for myself by thinking these things or posting this and that I could easily solve this by just growing some balls and trying to do everything that I've mentioned. I honestly don't know. I just know that this made me feel a lot better and that maybe some good will come out of this.
I just looked back up at what I wrote. Wow, wall of text. Hopefully it makes enough sense that it's capable of being read.
Edit: Another totally random thing that I just remembered is about my gaming. I don't know why, but sometimes when I'm gaming I just get so **** frustrated with it. I start complaining a lot, getting pissed off. I get louder. I hope it's not loud enough that it's disrupting other people. I know that it's childish and immature. I honestly don't know why I do it. I look at it afterwards and think that it was just not worth getting mad over...at all. But in the moment, I have a hard time realizing that I'm getting too pissed off and taking a break or trying to calm down. I'm a lot better than I used to be(back when I was in grade 10 at one point I smashed most of the keys out of my keyboard....what a waste. The computer at my mom's until it was recently replaced had a foot shaped dent in the side from me kicking it when I got pissed off...) and I never do anything physical anymore, it's only verbal. That doesn't make it okay though. I don't know, I guess I just need to try and become more aware of it in the moment.
Let me first give you a bit of background about me.
I'm currently in my second term of mech eng. I was very smart as a child. I skipped grade one and have had a fairly easy time with school since then. In grades two and three I was at a public school, but my mom ended up taking me out and putting me at a private school because both my sister(two years younger) and I were having problems with being bullied(obviously not the best solution but that's what she wanted to do...). I didn't have very many friends there, if any. I spent my grade 4-6 years at this private school. I made friends at school, but they were school friends(IE. I almost never saw them outside of school aside from birthday parties etc.). I had one friend outside of school that I spent a lot of time with during these years. Ironically, it was the same person who was bullying me in grade 3(he lived across the street from me).The school closed down at the end of my 6th year and I moved to the other private school in town. I actually made some friends here and while I wasn't seeing them often outside of school, I occasionally went out with them which was good I guess. I still spent a lot of time with this out of school friend though(he's currently the only guy that I know that I really consider to be a friend). In grades 7-8 I also really took up an interest in basketball. I worked my ass off on it trying to make up for the fact that a lot of the kids I was playing with had been playing longer than I had(I didn't do much in the way of sports when I was very young). I was trying to get onto a competitive team outside of school and while I didn't make that, I did get on to a school team. It was really something that I enjoyed and I spent the majority of my summer practicing by myself or with my only friend. He was faster than I was and a lot more coordinated but I could shoot much better than he could. We played really well together.
When I got into high school the first few months of school were great. I was making friends and going out more often than I usually did. My only friend from before really didn't like these people, but I tried to maintain friendships with both groups. But something happened in December. I don't know what it was. I started doing a lot of work on this science fair project for the city science fair in april(I was doing stuff in my mom's lab at her work). I also started playing an online game(Runescape). The tryouts for the high school junior basketball team were at this time as well. I ended up getting cut from the team and I was just so crushed that I totally lost interest in the game. I mean, I went in from grade 8 knowing that I was very unlikely to make the team in grade 9...I don't know what it was. At this time I pretty much dropped off the face of the planet. I rarely saw the friends that I had at high school anymore. I talked a bit with my only friend(we shared rides to and from school since we were across the street) but from then on I was mostly just going to school(and still maintaining great grades) and playing this game.
It continued like this for the rest of my grade 9 and 10 years. I still saw my friend from time to time but he saw other people more than he did me. In grade 10 I took up cross-country running for the school team and actually did quite well for my first year. I stuck with it through high school and while I never did as well as I did in grade 10, I continued to do it and run out of school just because the endorphins made me feel better. My friend ended up taking up a MMO as well in the spring of grade 10. He eventually persuaded me to start playing with him in my first semester of grade 11. I really liked this game and was just so happy that I was able to reconnect with my friend, even if it was through an online game. From then on I've found it a little hard or awkward to talk with him in real life, although it is manageable. I never really had much in the way of other friends throughout high school. I stayed in every night.
One thing that I really liked about high school was my grade 10, 11 and 12 french electives that I took. The people in that class were a lot of fun. It was in those classes that I made two female friends that I talked to a lot in those classes, but never really saw much of outside of those classes aside from random and very infrequent things that I was invited to. I still talk to them off and on and met up with them over the thanksgiving break last term. I always felt like I was more energized around them, more human and I just felt happier. In those french classes and around them I did a lot of silly but fun things that I probably wouldn't have done otherwise.
There was this other girl in those classes that I really started talking to a lot in my 12th grade french class. It became apparent to me around december and january that she was interested in me and that I was interested in her. I don't know why I never asked her out or tried to get to know her better. I knew that she had broken up with some other guy recently, but I didn't know how long ago and I thought it would be awkward to ask. I also didn't want to be a ****** by picking her up on the rebound. I kind of thought to myself that that was the reason why she was interested in me. I also didn't end up asking her out because I thought I was going to have a tough term ahead and I wanted to get into my university of choice. In hindsight it wasn't that tough of a term and I really wish that I had asked her out or at least made an effort to get to know her better.
Part of it was that I really felt awkward doing so. I never saw her outside of that class and the teacher was very nosey. I got the feeling that she was a very lonely person outside of her job and was looking to connect with other people in what ever way she could, even if it was with students. I tried to be nice to this teacher though. I really wish now though that I had made the effort. I saw this girl off and on in the library in my second term and asking her out was always on my mind when I was talking to her...but I don't know, I got mixed feelings about whether she was still interested in me or not. I thought that this was because I was stagnating. Anyway I never asked her out
Wow that was a tangent. Anyway, I've been playing MMOs since then with my friend and a couple of other guys of assorted ages that I've met online. We talk in ventrilo while playing pretty much every day. These aren't the kind of friends though that I can open myself up to and pour out my emotions. I've never really had anybody like that. I even have a hard time speaking my true mind to my parents.
Here I am now in first year university. I've always been very reserved and I find it hard to start conversations with people or keep them going. My sister is very different. She was a lot like me when we were young, but when she got into grade 7 she started becoming a lot more social than I ever was. She's a lot more talkative than I am. She's really the only person I find that I can hold a conversation of any length with. It's not just that she's talkative, it's that when I talk to her I actually come up with questions to ask her to keep the conversation going for at least a small period of time. I find that the only conversations I can really hold are when people ask me about school stuff or how co-op interviews are going and then I ask them the same. Things usually die after that...
My frosh week was fun but I didn't make any friends. I got to know my roommates a bit(one of them was from my high school so I already know him a bit). I wouldn't say we're really friends though. They have friends that they bring over a lot that I talk to a bit. They're pretty much only the human contact I get aside from very brief conversations in class or work with the FSAE team(I'll get to this in a bit). I was continuing to run cross country for the first week but I dropped out of it because I had a class that conflicted with one of the major workout days and FSAE team meeting conflicted with the other. I was intending to continue to run but I haven't been. Maybe I'll start up again when I feel that I have more time during my co-op term
I joined the Formula SAE team at my school. It's a student team that builds a small scale formula car every year to race in competitions against other schools. I'm not a designer, but I've been doing machining and CAD work for the designers that I've really enjoyed. I've also gotten to talk with upper year students and ask about co-op and when mech eng really starts to get interesting(I've enjoyed the physics and math so far but the "mechanical engineering" so far has been pretty lame because we don't have the math + physics yet to understand real problems). But it's the same thing again, the only conversations I seem to be capable of making are about school related things.
There are some people in my class who I like and would really like to get to know better and become friends with, but I really just don't know how to begin. I feel that even if I did, I wouldn't do it because I'm pretty reserved. There's also this girl that I'm interested in. She's not overly attractive, but I feel that I really like what I've seen so far of who she is. I'd like to get to know her better but I'm really a socially awkward person(As I've said I have a hard time carrying a conversation on anything other than school/work related things...) and I fear that if I did hit it off with her, I doubt that the relationship would last smoothly for the next 5 years(I'm in a co-op program so it's 5 years) and if it didn't, it would be really awkward to see her in classes etc. That and there's this other guy that she talks with a lot. I really don't know how to judge it, and to be able to really judge it I'd have to be talking with them. This guy also spends a lot of time with this other girl(who I have absolutely no interest in. I just don't think she's a very interesting person).
This kind of leads me back to how I perceive myself. When I try to look at how I am and how I interact with other people, I just don't see anything interesting. I see myself as a boring person who can only make dry conversation about school and doesn't really seem to show much in the way of emotion(I find it hard to show emotion unless I'm thinking about something to myself or talking with my dad/sister one on one). It doesn't help that I'm really scrawny(I'm about 6 feet tall and 135 pounds...I can almost get my hand around my bicep and encase my mid thigh with my hands put together...and my hands are smaller than most people's). I just don't see what anybody else, whether it be a potential friend or girlfriend, would see in me. I WANT to talk to other people. I WANT to listen to them and help them out. I'm usually a helpful person and willing to do a lot to help other people out. I just feel like I'm caught in a loop of not talking to people and hiding my emotions. I don't intentionally do it because I'm somewhat intelligent and I feel that other people are below me or something like that. I just really don't know how to talk to other people, how to relate with them and how to create meaningful friendships. And I feel like when I do make conversation, it's just me saying small random filler things that I've heard people say before(IE somebody says something a little crazy and I reply "you need to settle down there" jokingly) or making south park/random video references that I know **** well most people have no idea what I'm talking about.
Something weird became apparent to me today. I was coming back from my midterm and I knew that there were some people in rez trying to organize a big game of manhunt. They had planned to be playing 45 minutes before I had gotten back but when I came into the lobby I saw 3 people standing around(one of which was one of the people organizing it) and I knew that they were waiting for more people(and I was sure that more people were not going to come). The guy started talking to me and asking if I was interested in playing. I had no intention of playing, but I told him that I was going to go drop my stuff off upstairs and then come down, possibly getting my roommates to come too. I knew **** well when I told him that that I had no intention of ever coming back down. It became apparent to me that I lie to people about other obligations in order to get out of social activities. Kind of anti-social. I haven't really participated in a lot of activities in rez, mostly because they haven't interested me much. There was this LAN party that a guy was hosting on my floor downstairs. I kind of wanted to go but I managed to convince myself that it wasn't worth it because I had gotten back later than it began(I had a midterm that day) and that it would be too much work to bring my PC downstairs. They were playing Counter strike:source as well(I would have preferred to be playing Battlefield 2) but I knew that that was because it was relatively easy to install on everybody's computers and that pretty much any machine made within the past 10 years was capable of running it.
I know that I need to make an effort some how to get over this all. But I doubt that even if had an idea of what to do I probably wouldn't do it. I know that I could ignore all of this and my emotions and manage just fine. That's pretty much what I've done for my university experience so far and most of my high school experience(except for parts that I highlighted) and I'm still doing really well in school(90+ average, although I know it's first year so it's really easy anyways...) and I have a co-op job in the first round of selections(most people are lucky to get an interview in first round, let alone two interviews and a job offer from one of them). I know that I could continue to live like I am, which involves going to class, helping out on the FSAE team with what I can, doing homework and gaming with my online buddies. I just feel like there's more to life than this and that I'm missing out
I kind of feel like I'm just feeling sorry for myself by thinking these things or posting this and that I could easily solve this by just growing some balls and trying to do everything that I've mentioned. I honestly don't know. I just know that this made me feel a lot better and that maybe some good will come out of this.
I just looked back up at what I wrote. Wow, wall of text. Hopefully it makes enough sense that it's capable of being read.
Edit: Another totally random thing that I just remembered is about my gaming. I don't know why, but sometimes when I'm gaming I just get so **** frustrated with it. I start complaining a lot, getting pissed off. I get louder. I hope it's not loud enough that it's disrupting other people. I know that it's childish and immature. I honestly don't know why I do it. I look at it afterwards and think that it was just not worth getting mad over...at all. But in the moment, I have a hard time realizing that I'm getting too pissed off and taking a break or trying to calm down. I'm a lot better than I used to be(back when I was in grade 10 at one point I smashed most of the keys out of my keyboard....what a waste. The computer at my mom's until it was recently replaced had a foot shaped dent in the side from me kicking it when I got pissed off...) and I never do anything physical anymore, it's only verbal. That doesn't make it okay though. I don't know, I guess I just need to try and become more aware of it in the moment.
