Hmm...I don't think I would enjoy calling you by your board username. So, I am going to call you Patricia. If you think of a better name, then let me know, and I will call you by that name.
I think that, when life puts you in the gutter like this, it can be very tempting to try to put up a brave front. You likely attend school somewhere, and that can be tough. It might seem like everybody knows what they are doing except you.
I will admit that I never found reassurances very, well, reassuring. Whenever people would tell me that I had my whole life in front of me, and that the world was my oyster, and that, therefore, I should be happy, I would always resent them more than I would appreciate their efforts.
It seems like everyone has it so easy. That's how it would feel. I think the truth is that in order to prevent oneself from doing something drastic, one has to value something in life. There must be something that we can find and hold on to.
I myself, held onto a kind of stubborn pride. I have wanted to commit suicide several times in the past. But each time, I got up and soldiered on. The reason was because I can't stand the idea of becoming just another statistic. I can't stand the idea that I would succumb to death, and die in defeat, having accomplished nothing, and with no one to notice.
But that's in my case. In your case, you might have something altogether very different keeping you rooted to this world. And so, if you would, I would like you to get a piece of paper, or open your favorite text editor, and just write about all the things you want. Write about how you want to be, and who you want to be. If you are miserable, then let that come out as well. But, the important thing is that you come up with something that you want. Something you want to acheive, feel, experience, etc.
As long as you have something that you desire, then you will have something that will root you to this world. After that, you can begin to maybe start thinking that perhaps it is ok to want it. And then maybe you can start thinking about ways you can get what you want.
It is a long, long road. It is filled with danger and with peril. I myself have only just begun to walk this path. Now then, would you like to know a secret? Every moment of every day since mid-november, I have been under the influence of sheer panic. As I type this, I can honestly say that I am exhausted, and that there is a huge lump in my throat. My neck aches, and my heart is pounding, because for the life of me I have not been able to to escape the thought of sheer panic and fear.
Why do I fear? Who knows. All I know is that since the end of November, it has been as if adrenaline is constantly being pumped into my body. I am constantly on edge, and I am afraid for my life.
But I soldier on. I keep going. I am not telling you this to shame you in any way. I am not bragging about how bad I have it. I think you might actually be in a more precarious situation.
But I soldier on. I keep walking. That's what I do. When the world seems like it is a fiery paroxysm of bright lights and tactile sensations, I put one foot in front of the other.
I understand pain. I understand fear, and I definitely understand loneliness. But I will not give an excuse, nor will I excuse anyone for taking their own life. I have been down that road, and I have dug myself out of that ditch.
I empathize with your pain. I care about you living. I want you to find something worth living for. But it is more about what I want. It is about what I expect. So know this: You will get through it. You will find a better life. You will find away out of all obstacles that are put in your path.
I expect nothing less.
