Isolation of Caring.

[Cucuboth]

So. In late 2021 my father passed away, and I found myself dropped in to the position of being the full time carer for my blind and disabled mother. Before this, I had been living alone for quite some time, and my relationship with my parents has never been good. There is no family that lives close by that can, or will, help. Getting professional care help has been incredibly frustrating ... over 18 months on a waiting list, to then be only offered 1 hour a week of assistance.

As I said, I was living alone before. I was lonely. Always have been. Have never really had friends. To say that it is worse now is an understatement. This weekend I have spoken to ... well ... the grand total of 0 people. I have been out, yes, but, as it used to be before, it is like I am invisible. As I have said here before when I used to post, I have tried groups and clubs, hobbies and interests, and now I have tried local carers support groups too, but, I just never seem to fit in, never feel accepted, and for the most part I always find myself put in with much older people than me, so making a connection is made even harder. I don't even have anyone online to talk with. I see a psychologist regularly, but even she says she is out of ideas of what to try to meet people.

I need friends. Friends around my own age (I will turn 47 in a couple of weeks). And I want a chance to have more than friendship. I have tried the dating apps, but really, it is sickening how useless they are, how full of scammers they are, and yet again, I never even find a conversation on them. Ditto with all forms of social media. You have to have friends to make friends it seems.

Finding a genuine connection with someone, genuine care, genuine affection, the chance for intimacy (and no, before anyone suggests it yet again, going and paying for some kind of physical contact is of no interest or help), all seems further away than ever. When I take my mother to appointments, all the doctors, nurses, specialists, ect ect ect, all tell me what a nice, wonderful, dutiful and caring son I am, that I am there for my mother ..... but that just makes me question, who is there for me? I might be all those things. I know I am. But nobody seems to value those things. Nobody seems to care. Who wants a 47 year old full-time carer of his disabled mother as a friend, as a boyfriend, as a lover. Nobody.

I don't just feel invisible. I feel forgotten about.

Moving some where else is not an option. Traveling is not an option. Even a weekend away is not an option. Having a nice meal on my own, or going to the cinema, I can already do. And I don't want to do those things alone any more. I want to share things with someone. I want to feel what it is like to hold hands. To hug. I haven't even had my first kiss yet.

During the week I am often busy with taking my mother to various appointments, or running errands for her, but weekends are incredibly isolating. Like I said, I can go out, yesterday I took myself to cafe. Had a nice iced tea. But I also saw that I was the only person there on their own. I saw a lot of groups of friends, and couples. going past, and I know ... I know ... that sitting there alone is not what I want.

But what choice do I have, when nobody is, or ever has been, interested.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I remember your name Cucoboth; I'm not sure how long it's been since I've seen it.

I don't think I have any answers, unfortunately. I read your post though.

I hope some aide comes to you in your duty to give aide.

Sometimes, I find myself in awe, of how bad can go to worse; but, I'd rather not stare too long.

If I did have any answers, I'd say, maybe we miss things sometimes, with our heads down so often, or looking behind us, or too far ahead... Maybe not; but, maybe.

Head up mate; if I may say so..

May kindness, compassion, and affection find you.

 

[okidoke]

This is a difficult situation indeed @Cucuboth I guess the only thing I can think of, and I struggle with doing it myself, is to join some groups, like volunteer groups or social groups and just get to know people with similar interests. Don't even think about anything beyond doing whatever is needed of you from the group first, just to build a rapport and some connections. From there, relationships may happen. I know it feels like time is against you, as I feel it is for me, and I'm almost 56, but you have to take small steps and build from there. Don't even focus on getting your first kiss, or beyond, just enjoy creating a new relationship, but don't smother it, don't love-bomb anyone you connect with. Let it all happen organically. If you make one connection, don't focus on it too hard, as you're allowed to make more. The worst thing you can do is make a connection and then blow it by trying to hard and being all in their face with good intentions because you really really really want it to happen. You almost have to be a little aloof, which is hard because you want it to work. Just don't come across too needy, but at the same time not too arrogant and standoffish. It's a balance.