I am a loner. My family was abusive so I left them. I tried going out on my own and really messed my 20s up hanging around with scumbags. Now I am in my 30's and I have no friends and no family to rely on.
Luckily I am able to find work, but living alone is frightening. It's hard to see things in the way other do because other people have friends. You can't be yourself, because it looks strange. But you can't be the people that they want you to be. It scares them badly to think that they would lose their friends.
I came from a violent family where the parents were to be treated as perfect. There was no deviation allowed from this. Even the slightest critique was enough to throw either parent into an uncontrollable rage. This was absolutely terrifying and I learned to live in isolation and in a facade.
After leaving them, even going out there and a pretense of confidence did not overcome the fear or the facade. This led to consistent disasters until I decided to abandon having friends.
Over the last several years, I have decided that I am not worthy of being alive. So every spare moment away from work I put myself in a kind of containment. In a way I simply gave up on being alive.
It has taken time to understand having no friends and no family is not normal. I didn't even know that this was something people did. Everyone around you has family and friends. Not even the most fringe people I know have no family and no friends.
Recently I injured my head and went to the hospital, and the doctor asked me if I could stay at a friend or family member's place just to keep an eye on me. He could not believe that I had no friends and no family. I had to explain several times to convince him. So he sent me for additional tests to make sure I was alright. Even then he was not able to accept I had absolutely no friends.
It is not normal to live like this. But I will not let myself off the hook. I deserve having no friends. It is all my fault.
I am not going to stop condemning myself. All the chances were there. It is all my fault.
Luckily I am able to find work, but living alone is frightening. It's hard to see things in the way other do because other people have friends. You can't be yourself, because it looks strange. But you can't be the people that they want you to be. It scares them badly to think that they would lose their friends.
I came from a violent family where the parents were to be treated as perfect. There was no deviation allowed from this. Even the slightest critique was enough to throw either parent into an uncontrollable rage. This was absolutely terrifying and I learned to live in isolation and in a facade.
After leaving them, even going out there and a pretense of confidence did not overcome the fear or the facade. This led to consistent disasters until I decided to abandon having friends.
Over the last several years, I have decided that I am not worthy of being alive. So every spare moment away from work I put myself in a kind of containment. In a way I simply gave up on being alive.
It has taken time to understand having no friends and no family is not normal. I didn't even know that this was something people did. Everyone around you has family and friends. Not even the most fringe people I know have no family and no friends.
Recently I injured my head and went to the hospital, and the doctor asked me if I could stay at a friend or family member's place just to keep an eye on me. He could not believe that I had no friends and no family. I had to explain several times to convince him. So he sent me for additional tests to make sure I was alright. Even then he was not able to accept I had absolutely no friends.
It is not normal to live like this. But I will not let myself off the hook. I deserve having no friends. It is all my fault.
I am not going to stop condemning myself. All the chances were there. It is all my fault.