I have to rant again

[Fvantom]

I have nothing to live for, my parents have never honestly shown me love, they dont even know me. Most of my more distant family view me as an outcast, Im nothing they can be proud of, some of them treat me like Im retarded. The "friends" I have never want anything to do with me unless they can use me for something, seriously, the only time anyone ever calls or texts me, its to ask me to do something for them, every now and then theyll "reward" me by allowing me to stay and hang out with them. I have one true friend though, but hes more suicidal than I am, and hes an online, long distance friend. I want to live for him but I dont think hed do the same. All I ever wanted was to be accepted, now Im 21, I have nobody, making friends is near impossible at my age, or at least thats the idea thats been pounded into my head for the last few years, no ones ever stood up for me, no ones ever fought for me, whenever I talk to anyone about my problems, Im met with cold and impersonal advice on what they think I should do. All I want is a friend but all I get is advice. I dont want what other people think is best for me, I want to be myself and be loved for it.

I have a strong sense of self hate from my upbringing, as a kid any time Id be proud of myself, my dad would tear me apart because I was "showing off" when I tried to stand up for what was right, I would be yelled at and punished for "making a scene" whenever anyone else had a problem with me, the question was always "what did I do wrong?" no one ever took my side, everything was always my fault.

When? When will this end? When will I finally be told that I matter, that Im worth something, that someone loves me? Will I ever be happy in this life?

 

[Ox Blood]

I just wanted to tell you that I read this... And I can relate.

Part of me has come to terms with the fact I cannot depend on others. Because doing so gives them the power to not only build you up, but also the power to destroy you.

I realize that I need to learn how to do these things for myself; to fight for myself, stand up for myself, and ultimately, to love myself. Easier said than done... Especially if you have to build yourself from the ground up from being ripped to shreds over the years.

That being said... It's possible and I believe in you. The trick is, youhave to believe in you.

If you choose start that journey, I think you'll find that others will be drawn towards you. There is something about those that build that light up within themselves, instead of letting darkness fester over their lives.

---

PS - If you ever want to talk/rant -- my inbox is always open. Feel free to send me a message anytime

 

[sunshinemisa]

I can relate to this too.

My mother always tore me down, no matter how well I did. She always compared me to some else's son or daughter and I always came out feeling like crap. I was always told that I was stupid and because I heard it so much I believed that I was stupid. My dad he was my rock and I never realized just how much he loved me unconditionally until he passed away.

I forgave my mother for what she did while I was growing up and see the other side (my mother's side) that she just wanted me to be independant and to have a better life, an easier life. It took me a long time to get to this point (forgiving my mother) but, I feel freer and I'm not angry at my mother and alot less angry in general.

I totally agree with Oxblood, you cannot depend on others only yourself. But, you have to love yourself, trust yourself and believe in yourself.

It's easy to say but hard to do, I know but, just try.

 

[Campbell]

You are 21 and you say this: making friends is near impossible at my age, or at least thats the idea thats been pounded into my head for the last few years.

Well, you are 21 now. There are new things you can do now that you couldn't do a few years ago. I'm not alluding to drinking. I am talking about joining groups or clubs. You said you are not really seeking advice, so I won't post anymore of that. Just know you are an articulate person....you write well and express your thoughts excellently...you are interesting and important so seek things to do where you can strike up a conversation with another person without a lot of friends.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I don't know what to say to you Fvantom, other than, it might be helpful if you diclosed your location so other ALLers could maybe find you.

 

[Tiina63]

Hi Fvantom, I can relate to much of what you say. My mum was dysfunctional and I have grown up and always felt, like you, that I don't matter and that I am worthless. And the world is sadly full of people like your dad who will put you down when something you do merits praise. It is as if they can't stand to see you feel good about yourself for a change and they have to tear you to pieces. Although the answer is to develop good self esteem, it is so hard to do when noone has ever told you or made you feel that you are lovable and worthwhile. It's like you are starting from empty and it is such a long climb. Sometimes it is so exhausting just trying to like myself that I wish I could sleep and forget the whole mess.

 

[DigitxGeno]

You can't find the right answer if you ask the wrong questions.