I just need to get this out

[Fvantom]

Is it that I dont deserve happiness? I want to make my life better but every time I have to watch others experience everything I want in life, I get discouraged, depressed, and lose hope....Im not asking for much, just a good circle of close friends, thats not much to ask for. Why do I have to be just an acquaintence to everyone while theyre surrounded by their real friends? Ive lost the ability to be happy for anyone because it just kills me inside, its like a poor person being happy for a rich man

 

[IambicBlonde]

It's difficult to answer your question. No one deserves anything. Happiness is something you need to first learn how to give yourself. Learn how to be happy on your own, not just when around people. Because when people take that attitude then they're happy to be around ANY people, even jerks. Know who you are and know what about you is unique or special. And then take whatever that is and highlight that to people. Not everyone will respond or care or be nice. But you're bound to meet someone eventually who values it or is curious to know.

I'm sorry if this advice is a little harsh, but I don't know you or your situation. But I can tell from the way you communicate that you're an intelligent person. And being an intelligent, articulate person you have MANY things to offer others. I'm sure there's someone else out there who feels just like you are who is looking to meet someone like you, someone who will care. Just remember that. Don't treat others as you've been treated. I liked your analogy of a poor person being happy for a rich person. At the same time, don't resent anyone for it. I'm not saying you were. Just try not to dwell in despair. Be positive and keep trying. It's the hardest **** thing to do. Believe me, I know. The only way to find happiness is to keep trying. And if you need people to talk to, we're all here for you.

 

[Tiina63]

Hello Fvantom, you do deserve to be happy and to have a circle of close friends. It is normal and natural to feel depressed and discouraged when you see others with what you most long for, so don't feel bad for feeling bad about it. I envy people in a close and loving relationship and feel like a child in the street looking through the toyshop window when I see couples happy together.
Moving from being aquaintances to friendship can be hard, as you are finding, though. Maybe, if you meet someone you feel an affinity with, you could suggest a joint activity, such as going for a coffee together? This isn't too 'heavy' and will give you a chance to maybe open up a bit.

 

[sunshinemisa]

I agree with Iambicblonde, you need to find happiness within and also be positive minded. That being said, just be yourself. Remember you don't want friends where you have to change, you want friends who accept you, as you are.

It is hard, as I am going thru this as well. If they don't want to get to know you better, it's their loss not yours.

 

[Fvantom]

not resenting them is the hardest part. I usually dont, but theres some people who go on and on about how much they love their friends, yet they never give me a chance to get in with them, its hard not to resent people when nobody wants to be a good friend because you havent known them for 10 years, it makes me feel like Ill never fit in anywhere until Im in my 30s -___-
Its hard to be happy alone when everything that would bring you happiness involves having close friends.

 

[joejoeyjoseph]

It almost seems like we give way, way, way too much value to things (and thoughts) about other people, even perhaps out of what we think is courtesy or that we think they know better so we should listen. What I have been doing, and it has been helping me tremendously, is to live my own life, my way, without acknowledging bad thoughts and ideas, and only giving value to positive things. Where before I might see a happy couple "making out" or something, and it would make me feel jealous for not having someone to share such an experience with, I now just see two people - I don't even acknowledge that what they are doing is anything special at all. If people are telling you about their friendships with others, it's up to you to allow it to make you feel whatever you want to. You can be proud for them, ashamed of them, jealous of them, or just let it flow in one ear and out the other without giving it much thought at all and change the subject to something that makes you both comfortable - some of these viewpoints will uplift your personal mood, some of these will cause you to dwell and feel negative about yourself. The hardest thing about life is learning how to just be happy. You can learn true happiness by letting things happen around you and not allowing them to have any value in your mind, unless it is something that makes you smile. A wise man once said, "You never know you have a problem until you think you do."

 

[Fvantom]

But thats the problem, having true friendship is something I put a lot of value on, to see others having that kills me, and to take the value away, sure it wouldnt hurt as much but then I wouldnt value having that myself

 

[joejoeyjoseph]

My mother-in-law complains to me every time I talk to her. I do not want to spend time with her. A friend of mine always tells me about how awesome his job is, how great his wife and kid are, how nice this and that are... I do like to spend time with him because it's uplifting, and we became friends through positive conversation. What are some of the conversations you're used to having when you're friend-searching? Are you the listener? The one people think "Oh, they're a good listener so I can vent to them"? Are you a talker? What are you telling humanity about yourself? What experiences can you share with us so we can help you out a bit more?

 

[Lonely in BC]

I've been finding that being friendly and attentive with no real expectation of reciprocation has been helpful in making new friends. I've been getting great feedback regarding my upbeat personality (something that's been absent the last couple of years) and easygoing attitude. Will it pay off with long-term relationships? I'm not sure but I'm sure going to try my best.

 

[sunshinemisa]

not resenting them is the hardest part. I usually dont, but theres some people who go on and on about how much they love their friends, yet they never give me a chance to get in with them, its hard not to resent people when nobody wants to be a good friend because you havent known them for 10 years, it makes me feel like Ill never fit in anywhere until Im in my 30s -___-
Its hard to be happy alone when everything that would bring you happiness involves having close friends.

I am 40 and I've had friends(some really good friends) come and go so far in my life. The last 6-7 years was my fault for becoming a workaholic and I lost some friends. Some would say that really good friends are your friend regardless of how much time has passed so long as you acknowledge it. Then again it takes two to make the friendship work as well. I strongly believe that a friend is a friend no matter how much time has passed.

Having close friends does bring you happiness to a certain extent though. True happiness starts from within yourself first. Think of having close friends like the icing on a cake.

Stay true to yourself and don't give up. I know I haven't.

Best of luck!

 

[durantula35]

not resenting them is the hardest part. I usually dont, but theres some people who go on and on about how much they love their friends, yet they never give me a chance to get in with them, its hard not to resent people when nobody wants to be a good friend because you havent known them for 10 years, it makes me feel like Ill never fit in anywhere until Im in my 30s -___-
Its hard to be happy alone when everything that would bring you happiness involves having close friends.

I think I know what you're saying. True. Long term friendships take precedence for some people. However, you can make friendships with these people and that starts with making acquaintances and then really trying to grow a few of those into longer term relationships. Usually, the older people are, the less likely they're interested in making new friends that talk and hang out. Just a fact of life. However, there are definitely people out there that want to make new friends and you'll need to keep meeting new people and keep at it.

A problem I see here is that you resent people who have long term relationships and many friends. Some of these people are the friendliest people and would be glad to make a friendship with you. I know how difficult this can be but it is sulking and like others have mentioned, if you try to make friendships with a mentality of needing love, then people will pick up on that. Focus on why you're great. Start loving life. Then share this with others. You'll have more interesting things to say, you'll be more focused on GIVING information/ideas/love/advice, and you'll certainly most likely see people coming back for more

I have a theory that people with truly great friends don't worry about whether about the sincerity of their friendships. They simply love to hear from others or enjoy talking to other people. It brings energy to them to interact with other people and that's why they're great at it.

 

[Fvantom]

But I do need love, and if I approach friends like I dont need them, the only friends Ill make wont need me either, and thats not the kind of friendship Im looking for.

I dont resent everyone who has what I dont, just the ones who arent open to making new friends and helping out others

Illl be blunt on this, Im not settling for anything but the best, Im not going to take second seat because the person hasnt known me as long, Ive had people with lifelong friends treat me like Ill never be more than an acquaintance, yet Ive also had them treat me like a real friend, even thougj they havent known me for long, and thats the kind of friendship Im looking for

 

[blackdot]

Fvantom> just gotta say, a lot of us are in the same boat. It sucks. I wish I knew what to say to help you out but if I did then I wouldn't be on here either.

 

[MadMonkè]

I watch George Carlin.
its funny to laugh at life sometimes..

 

[durantula35]

But I do need love, and if I approach friends like I dont need them, the only friends Ill make wont need me either, and thats not the kind of friendship Im looking for.

I dont resent everyone who has what I dont, just the ones who arent open to making new friends and helping out others

Illl be blunt on this, Im not settling for anything but the best, Im not going to take second seat because the person hasnt known me as long, Ive had people with lifelong friends treat me like Ill never be more than an acquaintance, yet Ive also had them treat me like a real friend, even thougj they havent known me for long, and thats the kind of friendship Im looking for

Understood. You're absolutely right, but so am I. We're talking about differing degrees here. Shades of grey.

The best way to handle making a new friendship is to be flexible to everyone's needs. Certain people enjoy giving love more than others. Accept that love from them. Certain people need to be shown love. Give these more attention. What I was saying earlier about showing love meant that I believe that is the best way of an initial friendship. Don't show deep care and love on your first contact with another person, nor expect them to show complete adoration of you, but instead keep the conversation and chemistry light and enjoyable! Later on, you can take it to the next level. Refer to your best judgement