i have only had one post so far and it was very whiny i'm sorry, i don't blame any of you if you don't read through them. i'm so pathetc to listen to. but i need to clear my head and this seems to be a way to do it.
i worked both friday and saturday nights, i was holding back tears the entire time. when i got back friday my roommate and i got into a fight and i went to bed sobbing.
saturday night was worst. i had to see the guy from work that i was involved with. i haven't seen him in a couple of weeks . he came up to me to make small talk our something but it made me want to burst out crying so i was a little rude to him so he'll leave me alone. i avoided eye contact with him for the same reason. i don't like being this way toward him but its the only way to protect myself from crying at work. i wish he still put his arms around me, kissed me and make me feel beautiful. but i know that will never happen again. i know i really would love to have him as at least a friend but i don't know how to do that with out crying and i sure him talking to me is him merely being polite. i know he doesn't want to be the bad guy.
after riding the bus home alone, i came back to an empty apt. i started sobbing hard because this is how its always going to be: i have no one to spend my time with, no one calls me up to make plans and i likewise have no one to call, i sit home alone, crying wishing i had a friend, someone to listen, help cheer me and to care.
but i fear there is nothing to care about. i must be alone because there's something wrong with be. i know that i'm overweight, ugly, stupid and deep down i must be truely be awful. i really wish i could completely get over the fact i'm unloveable because if the crying stops and at least that would mean i'm numb to it.
i worked both friday and saturday nights, i was holding back tears the entire time. when i got back friday my roommate and i got into a fight and i went to bed sobbing.
saturday night was worst. i had to see the guy from work that i was involved with. i haven't seen him in a couple of weeks . he came up to me to make small talk our something but it made me want to burst out crying so i was a little rude to him so he'll leave me alone. i avoided eye contact with him for the same reason. i don't like being this way toward him but its the only way to protect myself from crying at work. i wish he still put his arms around me, kissed me and make me feel beautiful. but i know that will never happen again. i know i really would love to have him as at least a friend but i don't know how to do that with out crying and i sure him talking to me is him merely being polite. i know he doesn't want to be the bad guy.
after riding the bus home alone, i came back to an empty apt. i started sobbing hard because this is how its always going to be: i have no one to spend my time with, no one calls me up to make plans and i likewise have no one to call, i sit home alone, crying wishing i had a friend, someone to listen, help cheer me and to care.
but i fear there is nothing to care about. i must be alone because there's something wrong with be. i know that i'm overweight, ugly, stupid and deep down i must be truely be awful. i really wish i could completely get over the fact i'm unloveable because if the crying stops and at least that would mean i'm numb to it.
ive always thought I feel lonely because of the people around me make me feel that way. dont know if its the same with you, but it helps me to think that because sometimes its partially true. nothings wrong with you just the bad combination of people that come into contact with you and their shitty personalities to make you think that way. 
