I make everyone feel uncomfortable

[Lombax]

A group of students of a higher grade than me go out to dinner every Wednesday. I work with a lot of these students and am in some classes with them, and there is one guy in the group, Fletcher, who I am trying desperately to befriend. Because I work with some of these people, I have been given an open invitation to join them, even though I am not officially part of their grade or group.

Last week I decided to go with them, as it was my birthday and I really wanted to do something fun. I also thought it would be a good social challenge for myself, and I may get the opportunity to talk to Fletcher.

When I got there, I had a stroke of luck! I arrived at the same time as Fletcher and I was able to sit across from him at the table. His friends were talking about something, so I snagged the opportunity to talk with him for a while. It took a lot of guts, but I decided t go for it. However, once his friends entered our conversation, they totally dominated it and I couldn't get a single word in for over an hour. I have a really hard time interrupting people, and they were all talking a mile-a-minute and interrupting each other.

So I ended up sitting there awkwardly, but I did smile and listen politely the whole time. After a while, one of Fletcher's friends rudely rolled his eyes and gestured toward the door with his head, indicating that he wanted the group to leave. They all did, and none of them said goodbye to me or anything.

I feel like I made them all uncomfortable and ruined their evening, and that they don't like being around me. Once they left, I felt like crying. I am so tired of being awkward and twisting my politeness into guilt. Why can't I just talk to people?

I really want to be friends with Fletcher, and we share so many interests. I know we'd be good friends if I could just manage to talk with him like so many other people do. Now I am afraid he and his friends hate me and think poorly of me because I am "weird" and awkward.

(I am really surprised that Fletcher didn't try to include me in the conversations or anything, as he is usually a really sweet guy. Maybe he suffers from social anxiety in some situations as well? If so, that is another reason that we could be friends! )

So, is it me? Did I do the wrong thing? How can I fix this?

Should I just appreciate my gift to clear a room without saying a word? XD

 

[LoneKiller]

If you were talking with him and his friends interrupted, he should have had the decency to continue the conversation between the two of you first. Myself, I just would have told the friends to wait until you were finished then address them. Not your fault. Theirs.

 

[Lombax]

Well, I am always unsure about the protocol for entering conversations. (Why are so many social protocols unspoken? They should be in an RFC like Internet protocols or something. XD )
People always tell me to try and enter other peoples' conversations to show that I am interested in what they have to say, but I personally think that is rude. Nobody asked for my opinion or asked me to talk to them, so I don't.

So when Fletcher's friends entered the conversation, I kind of figured that they just wanted to be included and share their opinions. I don't want to exclude anyone, so I felt it was okay. Then, the conversation kind of left the topic, as conversations often do, and the dominant speakers changed. :\ I guess it was kind of rude of them, though.

Perhaps I should study up on social protocols more.

 

[Lost Drifter]

It sounds like you threw yourself in at the deep end there and perhaps that has burned your confidence a little. Striking up a rapport with people can be challenging enough as it is but to attempt that when they’re surrounded by a group of friends (who are used to being with each other) is harder still.

Could you not contact Fletcher on a one to one basis? At least then you won’t feel like you’re unworthy to compete with his other friends. I suspect there are some confidence issues here as well?

 

[Lombax]

I do actually talk to Fletcher once a week or so, as he usually comes to an event that I hold in the community. I haven't seen him since this incident, though because he has been sick.

When I do talk to him, he usually dominates our 1x1 conversation, as I again have a hard time getting a word in. I usually wait for a 3-second pause or so, which never happens. He really likes to talk about his interests, and when he does he just rambles on excitedly. A lot of his other friends don't like it when he does so, so I am really happy to give him the opportunity to just let go and express himself. I really enjoy listening to him, but I do want to show him that I am interested in the same things by entering the conversation.

And yes, there are a lot of confidence issues as well! I've told Fletcher that I am shy, but I am always worried that people will look down on me because of that.

 

[Lost Drifter]

First up: An Ideal Conversation

It’s admirable that you’re willing to listen to your friend but by going on that and on the fact that he didn’t make much of an effort when he was with his friends suggests to me that either 1) you find new friends or 2) you become more assertive and take up more control. When you initiate conversation, try sticking to topics that interest you and you alone, as selfish as it sounds it will force him to listen (a great test) and put you in firm control of the conversation to steer as you see fit. If he can’t handle a conversation that isn’t about his own interests then walk away because by letting him dominate you are giving approval to his control. Conversations are 50-50, you both need to remember that.

 

[Lombax]

Thanks for the advice! I have tried being more assertive in the past, but perhaps initiating conversation about my own interests may help balance the conversation. Fletcher and I share a ton of interests, as it turns out, but perhaps if I am the only who starts talking, I will have more control over the flow of topics introduced.

And I don't think Fletcher is being selfish, but perhaps he has a few social issues as well, only more in the opposite direction from me. He's been really generous and kind to me, coming to all the things I invite him to etc. Maybe I just need to get to know him more when he isn't around his other friends who know him better and who share his communication style.

One thing I don't want to happen is for Fletcher to think that I am annoying/clingy. I stop by to see him every Monday to tell him details about the week's community event that I mentioned, as he doesn't seem to check his email. Do you think this would be annoying? I really like talking to him, and I rarely get the opportunity to do so.

 

[durantula35]

You can be more a part of the conversation if you pick up your pace. This is something you can improve by practicing, to some extent. Broaden your interests so you can talk to Fletcher's friends as well. In addition, try volunteering and you'll be able to meet new people and practice talking to strangers and get into topics that aren't of immediate interest to yourself.

Couple tips that may help:

It's okay to interrupt others. It just depends on the timing, how often, and what you're going to say.
If you don't know about a topic, ask questions. People love to feel knowledgeable, and will answer.
Live an interesting life. When I catch up with others, the first thing they ask is "how've you been?". Make that response worth their time. If you can't help but live an interesting life, at least make an interesting response.
It's perfectly fine to be the quiet one, but it helps knowing that you can be the center of attention. See what it feels like to dominate the conversation with even quieter people.

 

[nerdygirl]

Practice, practice, practice. The only way to feel more comfortable is to start talking more.

I really miss all of the Skype conversations we (the lovely people here at ALL) used to have. I think it was a good way for people to practice speaking- though I usually ended up being the one who did most of the talking, because the silence was deafening.

We're all a bunch of wussies, I think... but I like to take advantage of opportunities to tackle my fears. Most of us here are awkward, so I think it helps alleviate the pressure to practice with each other. If you want to practice talking, get on Skype. I'll be happy to help.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I just had a phone conversation with one of my best friends from high school. Awkward, awkward. I came off as either snotty, or extremely shy, and I wasn't sure which one?

I want so much to tell her that I have social anxiety, but I'm afraid she won't understand? I certainly don't want her to think that I dislike her!

God, socializing is so hard. I have barely used this iPhone for what it's meant to be: a PHONE!

 

[durantula35]

I just had a phone conversation with one of my best friends from high school. Awkward, awkward. I came off as either snotty, or extremely shy, and I wasn't sure which one?

I want so much to tell her that I have social anxiety, but I'm afraid she won't understand? I certainly don't want her to think that I dislike her!

God, socializing is so hard. I have barely used this iPhone for what it's meant to be: a PHONE!

I'd be happy to have a phone conversation with you. Perhaps over skype or google chat? Could definitely use some practice here myself. PM me if you're interested.

 

[Lombax]

Thanks for the tips, everyone! I am really happy with the speed and quality of responses in this community.

@durantula35, those are really good suggestions. I agree that it would be good to try and share conversation with Fletcher's friends, too. Not only will it be more practice, but maybe they will be more accepting of me, too.
As for your suggestion of asking questions about things, I think that's a wonderful idea. Fletcher is incredibly knowledgeable and enthusiastic about a wide array of things, and I've always wanted to let him know that I find that an admirable trait. Perhaps I can do so in a subtle way by asking him questions. I'll try to do that more next time I see him.

@nerdygirl, I used Skype for the first time in my life the other day to have a group conference at work, and it creeped me out, actually. I am usually really comfortable around my boss, but talking to him "face-to-face" in real time while he was on the other side of the world was really weird. Also, seeing myself on video makes me uncomfortable! Dx

@LeaningIntoTheMuse , I know exactly what you mean. Talking on the phone is really awkward for me as well, especially when talking to people I haven't heard from in a while. I have often considered getting in contact with the only friend I ever had in elementary/middle school, but I am afraid of taking that first step. We might be so different now and have nothing to talk about. I sometimes wonder how I could feel so comfortable around my friends back then! How have I changed?

Did your friend from high school just call you out-of-the-blue, or did you call her?

 

[nerdygirl]

You don't have to use the video feature. I never do.

 

[HC22]

The positive thing is that this Fletcher guy seems to like you ...or he wouldn't act the way he does.

On the other hand I think his friends don't feel the same way.
Trying to become friends with someone is hard but trying to become friends with someone who's already part of a group is even harder, because no matter how much he likes you or how much he wants to let you in his life he will always be compelled to please his oldest mates first, it's just the way it works.
No necessarily because he is more attached to them, but becuase people feel safer when they're part of a group, and they don't want to risk their position.

There is a huge chance that if Fletcher and his own friends are as different as they seem to be, he is doing exaclty what I told you, his interest for you might be a signal of what's really happening.
I don't know any of these people but from what you say it's totally possible that this boy is part of a group of friends he doens't like all that much and he is trying to find someone more similar to himself ( you ) but in the same way trying to mantain his old connections.
And I don't think you have to worry all that much, I think he's trying to get something different from what he already has, his friends don't look like the types that let him tallk all he wants and about what he wants ( not because they're mean or anything,...you know some guys are just really unable to understand the fact that they should listen too at times ) but you do look like that type of person .
I think he appreciates this way more than you can immagine, this could very well be the real reason he likes you, so don't try to emulate the type of comunication his older friends use with him, I think your own is already way more effective than theirs .

Of course you don't always have to let him do ALL the talking, but if you want, let him have his space, it seems like he needs that freedom of speech and the attention of a good listener, so be that, a good listener.
Give him your opinion if he asks you and answer to his questions eloquently, but mostly encourage him to talk about what you know you and him both like, make him feel you like what he has to say and that you love to listen to it, I think it's the best solution.


I hope you two can become friends soon,
after that I think ...conversation will not be a problem anymore, things will come naturally and eventually if everything goes well, you'll both end up talking for an equal ammount of time without even relizing it.

 

[Lombax]

HC22, thank you so much for the reply! What you said really makes sense to me, and I had not really thought about it like that. For a while, I was starting to think that perhaps Fletcher was just coming to the things that I invite him to just out of politeness or even pity. But it does seem like he is reaching out to me, as it were.

I've been reaching back, but I feel like I need to reach even further, to combat my social anxiety. Since we do have this well-built foundation for a friendship, and since we both seem to enjoy each other's company, I will try not to let my anxiety become the only roadblock to a good relationship.

I really look forward to the point at which we can both feel comfortable and just have conversations about the things we enjoy. Unfortunately, Fletcher is graduating soon, so I have to get things in gear! I'd been trying to make baby steps, but now maybe it's time to step it up a bit?

Every Thursday, I stop by and tell him details about the community event for the week. Sometimes we'll strike up a conversation if he is not busy. Do you think that me coming to see him every Thursday at around the same time would be annoying or seem like I am trying too hard? I just rarely get a chance to talk to him, and I really enjoy doing so. I want him to see that I do enjoy his company, and that I care that he gets the details of the event that he is (I believe) interested in.

One thing that I don't want to happen is for him to start believing that I have a crush on him, which may happen if it appears that I am trying too hard. Romance doesn't interest me at all with anyone, and I just want friends.
...
Social protocols, why are you so hard to figure out? xD

 

[HC22]

He he that's what I would like to know as well

About showing up every thursady... it's not a problem since you have a very convincing excuse, go there all the times you want,

But I think you should try this too : One of these days don't show up.

This will make him realize that he "misses " your presence more than he is aware of even if he doesn't say anything about it he will surely think about you and feel relieved the next time you 'll show up to talk to him.
( People realize the true importance of things when they think they are about to lose them, so this could be effective )

Good luck !

 

[Lombax]

It would be nice if he did miss my presence. I have a feeling he either A. doesn't care/doesn't think about me, or B. is thankful that I am not there. Perhaps it is just my low self esteem and lack of social skills that are skewing my perception.

I guess I can try it again sometime, since I've been messing up all my opportunities to talk to him recently, anyway. Missing one wouldn't hurt. d:

 

[Lombax]

Well, today I went and made another person uncomfortable with my awkwardness-- a person of great rank and importance. Afterward, I skittered off to the bathroom so nobody would see how upset I was. :\

I wish more people understood S.A. More importantly, I wish I didn't have to struggle with these things that other people have no problem with every day.

 

[somber_radiance]

I didn't read the other posts so I might be saying the same thing.
I tend to be quiet too. I usually just sit there and listen...the bigger the group, the less I say. However, I too have noticed that people interrupt each other back and forth. Usually, they apologize when they notice it and give the other person a chance to finish their sentence. Sometimes the interrupted person just shrugs it off and says its okay. I also noticed tho if you don't jump in and interrupt...that person will just keep on talking. If they are just going on and on....it's ok to interrupt. They are just rumbling and they'll start into a different topic soon.
I also realized that even the people that talk a lot can feel shy or awkward too...and this usually shows when they talk to the same group of people and ignore the person they don't know so well.
You did good trying to put yourself out there...keep trying and soon they'll feel more comfortable with you. However, I do think they should have paid you a bit more attention since you were new there and maybe the rest of the group were all regulars. They were rude. It's not you.

Also...the more you put yourself into a variety of social interactions, the better you'll get...that's how I opened up a bit more. I took on a front desk service job on campus and also had A LOT of presentations for class...they and other things have helped me be less shy. Of course I still have those occassional awkward convos.....but don't take yhem so hard...it's not the end of the world when you have an awkward convo...people will usually forget. I barely remember first conversations I've had with people who are my friends today.

 

[MadMonkè]

sing, dont talk.
people will listen to you then.

just kidding... but try it. dont go full out melody or anything... but i hear chit chat is 90% unspoken.

and sing to other people who are also not talking... this at least gets you going to sing to the broader flock