I need Opinions

[ManitobaBrit70]

Ok so I married a man even though I knew he was gay! Primarily I did this because he is such a kind, caring, adorable human being and I knew despite our differences we would be happy. Previous to him I had been in really abusive relationships resulting in near death! Which is probably why I opted for something different...... We had a child together early in our relationship ( He's not Bi ) because we wanted a family together. And so far its been almost 10 years. And its happy, and not abusive.

BUT I'm soooooo lonely and because we don't have sex or any other intimacy (Sorry TMI LOL) I no longer feel like a woman, I feel empty. He has always told me I can see other guys, but I've always felt like I want to be faithful to him like I know he is with me ( He is a total introvert )

WHY IS LIFE SO COMPLICATED!

What do I do???? I long for some attention from a man who wants me as a woman.

I need opinions please ( And friends!!!)

 

[Xpendable]

It's a shame the earth is solely populated by abusive men or gay men; no in-between. Sorry to hear.

 

[MisterLonely]

It sounds like you married your best friend because the both of you got something out of it you desired, a family, friendship and companionship... I find it quite a beautiful thing really.

Are you faithful to him because you want to be faithful, or because you feel bad he isn't getting any himself, and thus think you should go without in support of him?

As for my opinion..... Life is too short, if it will make you feel good then get some

 

[TheRealCallie]

Personally, I think since you knew what you were getting into, you should follow through with that, so I agree with your decision not to cheat, whatever the reason. However, I don't feel you should have to be unhappy because of that. You two won't even cuddle or anything like that? Have you talked to him about it at all?

 

[Sci-Fi]

I have a question Manitoba, is he faithful to you?

 

[ManitobaBrit70]

Yes he is faithful to me, this is why I am reluctant to go astray. He has never been with a man because he has always been too shy to do so.

 

[TheLoadedDog]

I think you might have to bite the bullet and leave. This is just an opinion and my advice is something you can take or leave. I'm sorry.

Maybe you can still be friends with him. It sounds like you are now.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I think you might have to bite the bullet and leave.  This is just an opinion and my advice is something you can take or leave.  I'm sorry.

Maybe you can still be friends with him.  It sounds like you are now.

It didn't sound like that was something she was willing to consider, but I kind of have to agree.

You say it's a happy marriage, but can you really be happy if you feel so alone and empty?

 

[Sci-Fi]

Sounds like you two have a really good friendship as others have pointed out but you both need something else to be fully happy.

What are you two going to tell your child about your relationship? Is that something you've talked about? You don't have to answer I'm just curious.

 

[ManitobaBrit70]

Sounds like you two have a really good friendship as others have pointed out but you both need something else to be fully happy.  

What are you two going to tell your child about your relationship?  Is that something you've talked about?  You don't have to answer I'm just curious.

Nobody knows he's gay, to everyone around us its a normal healthy relationship. We sleep in the same bed, do everything together, and yeah we've talked about it and decided that we don't need to tell our son.
But the missing link is intimacy. Can I go the rest of my life without that?? I don't think I can. But do I kill what we have got to get it?? Because even though he says he will be ok with me going with another guy I know that it is bound to affect him as it would me if it were the opposite way around.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Ok so I married a man even though I knew he was gay!

. . .

BUT I'm soooooo lonely and because we don't have sex or any other intimacy (Sorry TMI LOL) I no longer feel like a woman, I feel empty. He has always told me I can see other guys, but I've always felt like I want to be faithful to him like I know he is with me ( He is a total introvert )

. . .

What do I do???? I long for some attention from a man who wants me as a woman.

These points stood out to me. Because the first thing I thought after reading your post was that he most likely wasn't going to continue treating you like a woman once the initial phase of love passed. I agree to the idea that you each married your best friend, and attained something out of it that you each probably desired. It sounds like you both are hurt, so you were safe to each other. But because he is gay, I don't think he could maintain that initial desire. I'd probably never expect him to.

Perhaps you two could discuss having relationships outside of yours, both of you. But the thing about that is you take the risk to not find another guy like him. And he risks the same, not finding what he does have in you in someone else. He might be gay, but there's quite clearly a comfort he has in you. I wouldn't try to force it though, finding outside relationships, because it could do more damage than any good trying to make something happen that might not be meant to happen.

 

[MisterLonely]

Everybody thinks so in the box, if the marriage is good on most fronts why waste it?! Just find a way to expand it so you both also get that intimacy you need and want. Now loads of good options have already been given, I'll play devils advocate and name some non Christian and less socially accepted options, these are y no means all the options out there!

- You could be each others "wingman" helping make sense of the dating scene, casual or otherwise.
- You could look for a bisexual man and both stay on "equal" ground, this might also be a safe environment for him to explore his sexuality in, would it be cheating if you do it together?
- You could both get lovers on your own, and just support each other in this, this might work for you, but from what you've said I doubt it will for him.

Now it might turn out that if either, or both of you do look for intimacy, this results in a break up because of the desire to be with the other person in a committed relationship, you can either accept this, or try to safeguard against by keeping things with the "lovers" on a different level.

 

[TheLoadedDog]

OK, ManitobaBrit70. You strike me as a decent person. I have a different (yet somehow similar in some ways) history. I have not been lucky in love. I've been in a series of relationships. But it was serial monogamy. I NEVER CHEATED. I even waited months or years, or some respectful period, before I went on the market again. And this is what you are doing, and I think it is an utterly noble thing. You have been told you can have other guys, but you choose not to. This is something to be proud of.

But...

It does lead to one inevitable answer. You need to get out of there. That way, you can find the intimacy you crave, and you can do so with a clear conscience.

 

[ManitobaBrit70]

Leaving him is not an option.....I couldn't imagine being without him.

But there has been some really good replies to my post and want to thank you all for your opinions!

I guess I'm just scared of finding someone and getting feelings for them, that's when it gets really complicated. But the way I'm feeling that might be my only option. Ughhhhh

 

[TheLoadedDog]

This is concerning. You don't want to leave hiim. "Not an option". But then scared of feeling something for another?

This is going to be a train wreck. You need to get in control.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Leaving him is not an option.....I couldn't imagine being without him.

But there has been some really good replies to my post and want to thank you all for your opinions!

I guess I'm just scared of finding someone and getting feelings for them, that's when it gets really complicated. But the way I'm feeling that might be my only option. Ughhhhh

I can completely understand this. I'm sort of in the same situation myself. Don't want to not be with someone that you know you love, regardless of anything else... yet, you feel as though you want something different. I'm scared to gain something new, too. In fact, I've been avoiding it. I don't want it to happen, but I do. And I know I can't have it both ways.

I guess if I ever figure it out myself, I'll let you know. :club:

 

[user 139760]

There's an old French expression. I'm sorry to say it applies, I think, to your situation; "Tu peux pas avoir le beurre pis l'argent du beurre".
You can't have both butter and money for butter.
Some couples have made it work, seeing someone else when sex goes dry (rare are the times, that I know of, that people married gay people intentionally, although it's just my personal experience, doesn't mean it doesn't happen more regular than I hear).
However...you have to be conscious introducing a new element in your lives DOES run the risk of ruining what you have. Innevitably. If only because if you have intimacy with someone else and that someone else turns out to be someone caring and worthy of pursuing a long term relationship with, you might want to. And it'd be perfectly normal. And you might hurt your friend/husband in the process, which I'm sure is something you don't want.
So you have to decide, and I think you should include him in the decision making process, wether or not you're willing to take that risk and also, discuss with him what happens if worse comes to worse.
Say you see someone regular and your husband is okay with that. Well assume that in 2 years (I don't know you, might be VERY unlikely, but like I said, assume the worst) you want to marry that person instead. What happens then?
These things should be talked about and prepared. Only then, I believe, can you make a sound decision on it and see if you or him are willing to risk it.

I'm sorry though. It's a tough situation. I wish I had a magical solution. But we're all people, we all have feelings and sometimes these take unexpected turns. Besides purely platonic friendships with people, I don't see you running zero risk of a breaking not happenning somewhere. You have to think on it because it doesn't just affect you, but two other people.

Good luck, madame.

 

[ManitobaBrit70]

My marriage has absolutely everything apart from the sex. However that is the only thing that really bonds a marriage. I'm fully aware that a marriage is never all sweetness and roses so maybe I should just suck it up and do without. But human nature urges sex, I cant help that because its a natural feeling.............

And in response to the train wreck, yes it is! My mind is a mixed up bowl of stew. Which is why I've not committed to doing anything on the side so I don't have any reason to mess up what I already have. But that's also the reason I asked on here for opinions.

Like Richard says, it wouldn't just mess me up but others too so I have to act wisely! The very last thing I want to do is hurt anyone never mind those that I love.

Another problem that could arise is that I hook up with someone nice who falls for me and I decide its not going to work then I hurt them too!!!

:club:

 

[user 139760]

My marriage has absolutely everything apart from the sex. However that is the only thing that really bonds a marriage. I'm fully aware that a marriage is never all sweetness and roses so maybe I should just suck it up and do without. But human nature urges sex, I cant help that because its a natural feeling.............

And in response to the train wreck, yes it is! My mind is a mixed up bowl of stew. Which is why I've not committed to doing anything on the side so I don't have any reason to mess up what I already have. But that's also the reason I asked on here for opinions.

Like Richard says, it wouldn't just mess me up but others too so I have to act wisely! The very last thing I want to do is hurt anyone never mind those that I love.

Another problem that could arise is that I hook up with someone nice who falls for me and I decide its not going to work then I hurt them too!!!

:club:

Also, yes, that's right. There's no easy solutions and these are all normal problems that arises from these situations.
So my advice, with any situations that are hard, that leave you hesitant and unsure, is to talk. You CAN talk about these things.
Sit down with your husband, perhaps even with your son if he's old enough to be included and you want to, and just talk. Make yourself a chart, different possibilities; "if X thing happens, what do we do? Would you be okay with that?" and so forth.
Communications is always the first step and the best step in any relationship, marriage or otherwise. Sit down and figure it out just like your married life; as a couple.
That's my advice. You should both reflect and discuss each possible outcome and how you'd deal with it. Then decide what to do.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Communications is always the first step and the best step in any relationship, marriage or otherwise. Sit down and figure it out just like your married life; as a couple.
That's my advice. You should both reflect and discuss each possible outcome and how you'd deal with it. Then decide what to do.

And what happens when communication doesn't work? When you have told the person several times what you need out of them, for the relationship, and it's not enough?