I need Opinions

[user 139760]

And what happens when communication doesn't work? When you have told the person several times what you need out of them, for the relationship, and it's not enough?

Well...that's when the options become not so fun.
My own view, and I've lived by it, if failiure to communicate happens on either side and one is unwilling to give onself to the relationship...it's over.
I mean, there are people do things differently. Some won't talk for 1 week then pretend nothing ever happened. Some will go off on a rhumba, drink themselves, do something stupid, apologize. Some might yell, or hit and the situation temporarely picks back up, by hook or by crook. Relationship might even still go on for one, 2, 3, sometimes even 5-10 years, in the case of someone getting hit and too scared (understandably) to do much about it.
But it's over, at that point, even if we don't know it.
It usually does. If not immediately, somewhere a bit latter along the line.
I've seen it. Lived it a few times. As big and tough a guy I might seem, I was in a violent relationship once. Got hit on. Didn't fight back, because you don't hit women (the wall wasn't happy with me though). Even made it last 2 years more than it should have.
But that first time when it stopped being about "we" and started being about "I"? It was already over. Just didn't know it yet. Or refused to.
But it stops being a really healthy relationship when communications break down. Because they you're flying blind.
That's when you have to make a choice. Sometimes it just takes longer, is all.

From what I gathered (correct me if I'm wrong), OP and her husband have a comfortable relationship. Probably very condusive to discussions.
Use it. It's a strenght.

 

[VanillaCreme]

And what happens when communication doesn't work? When you have told the person several times what you need out of them, for the relationship, and it's not enough?

Well...that's when the options become not so fun.
My own view, and I've lived by it, if failiure to communicate happens on either side and one is unwilling to give onself to the relationship...it's over.
I mean, there are people do things differently. Some won't talk for 1 week then pretend nothing ever happened. Some will go off on a rhumba, drink themselves, do something stupid, apologize. Some might yell, or hit and the situation temporarely picks back up, by hook or by crook. Relationship might even still go on for one, 2, 3, sometimes even 5-10 years, in the case of someone getting hit and too scared (understandably) to do much about it.
But it's over, at that point, even if we don't know it.
It usually does. If not immediately, somewhere a bit latter along the line.
I've seen it. Lived it a few times. As big and tough a guy I might seem, I was in a violent relationship once. Got hit on. Didn't fight back, because you don't hit women (the wall wasn't happy with me though). Even made it last 2 years more than it should have.
But that first time when it stopped being about "we" and started being about "I"? It was already over. Just didn't know it yet. Or refused to.
But it stops being a really healthy relationship when communications break down. Because they you're flying blind.
That's when you have to make a choice. Sometimes it just takes longer, is all.

From what I gathered (correct me if I'm wrong), OP and her husband have a comfortable relationship. Probably very condusive to discussions.
Use it. It's a strenght.

I think they love each other. Same in my situation, which I guess I was trying to get some advice and opinions myself. But love is not enough sometimes. It's so much easier said than done to walk away from someone, even if there are no violent problems in the relationship or issues otherwise.

 

[ManitobaBrit70]

Talking is easy. Its actually doing that's the hard part.

We've had days of "Ok that's what we are going to do" then nooooo I'm too chicken to do that.
 Its so much easier for me as he lives a life of seclusion and is very insecure around people. Which is probably why we work so much because I'm a leader almost like a man would be! However I am definitely not a man and I feel he forgets I am a woman sometimes. Maybe inside he thinks I'm ok because I am like I am.

I also need to tell you all that previous to him I was almost killed. Ive been raped, fractured skull, all my fingers bitten one had to be re attached, locked up, kicked, spat on, hit, punched and sexually violated. Also psychologically and mentally abused. Life was impossible. I now have serious trust issues.

So maybe I'm being unreasonable wanting MORE when I'm with such an awesome person. I almost feel ashamed of myself.

 

[user 139760]

Hey, don't you go on apologising; you do not want anymore than ANYONE ELSE wants. Who you were and what you've been through doesn't make you less worthy or less normal for wanting the same as everyone else.
Never feel ashamed for your past. You lived it and are still there. Some haven't. Makes you a tough lady with nothing to shy from.

It's not unreasonnable. Everyone has physical needs. It's just that the situation is rather delicate. If you're still, I wouldn't say chicken, but undecided? Maybe you aren't ready yet? I don't know.
This is going to feel a bit innapropriate lol.
Have you considered purchasing...tools? You know, sex toys? It's not the same of course, but if you haven't, it might be an option. Beyond involving someone else.

 

[ManitobaBrit70]

Hey, don't you go on apologising; you do not want anymore than ANYONE ELSE wants. Who you were and what you've been through doesn't make you less worthy or less normal for wanting the same as everyone else.
Never feel ashamed for your past. You lived it and are still there. Some haven't. Makes you a tough lady with nothing to shy from.

It's not unreasonnable. Everyone has physical needs. It's just that the situation is rather delicate. If you're still, I wouldn't say chicken, but undecided? Maybe you aren't ready yet? I don't know.
This is going to feel a bit innapropriate lol.
Have you considered purchasing...tools? You know, sex toys? It's not the same of course, but if you haven't, it might be an option. Beyond involving someone else.

 
Richard tools I have!!!! Hahahaha
I have the ultimate in trying to do it yourself and feel satisfied kit!   But it got boring years ago.

 

[user 139760]

Richard tools I have!!!! Hahahaha
I have the ultimate in trying to do it yourself and feel satisfied kit!   But it got boring years ago.

Ah lol. Okay, akward moment passed.
Also, as at the same time a reply to Nilla, that's why I said I was sorry; these are tough situations and there's no clear cut, black and white answer to them. Would it be better if you left each other? I don't know. Would it be better if you stayed together and decided to see what's on the other side of the fence, hope it all goes well? I don't know. It's a hard decision to want to change something yet hope everything stays the same. Also not my place to say wether one's more wrong than another.
Only thing I can suggest is what I would do; talk a good long while about it, then decided what I feel it's best. Maybe that entails seeing someone, maybe that entails putting a sock in it and not doing anything about it. Whatever I would decide, though, I'd be sure everyone was very okay with it and willing to accept the consequences, come whatever.
But it's a tricky situation when people's feelings are involved. Specially people you don't want to see hurt. Yet...it's a risk comes with it. Can't deny it.
Sorry if I can't be much more help than reminding you of the pros and cons, but this is something you have to decide, and accept, and live with, for yourselves.
I know I'm crossing my fingers hoping it turns out okay.

Take care, madame ;-)

 

[VanillaCreme]

So maybe I'm being unreasonable wanting MORE when I'm with such an awesome person. I almost feel ashamed of myself.

That's the thing. The chances of either of you getting what you desire is slim. He most likely won't view you as someone he sexually desires because he's gay. And he's gay, so he won't give you the attention as a woman that you want. The vicious cycle continues. I have no doubt that the two of you care for each other, but it's something both of you have to figure out.

 

[MisterLonely]

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but you're past that left you withe these very understandable trust issues will make it much harder for you if you ever do decide to look for sex/affection. I would say that a one night stand with someone you just met is out of the question, but i can't be sure on that.

The two of you have taken solace in each other, you were safe and knew you'd both be happy in a lot of ways, I wonder how much you both could be of help to one another in also getting these missing desires met. If not in person than by guidance and support.

 

[kamya]

Communications is always the first step and the best step in any relationship, marriage or otherwise. Sit down and figure it out just like your married life; as a couple.
That's my advice. You should both reflect and discuss each possible outcome and how you'd deal with it. Then decide what to do.

And what happens when communication doesn't work? When you have told the person several times what you need out of them, for the relationship, and it's not enough?

Then ya leave...

 

[TheRealCallie]

Communications is always the first step and the best step in any relationship, marriage or otherwise. Sit down and figure it out just like your married life; as a couple.
That's my advice. You should both reflect and discuss each possible outcome and how you'd deal with it. Then decide what to do.

And what happens when communication doesn't work? When you have told the person several times what you need out of them, for the relationship, and it's not enough?

Then ya leave...

I would try banging them over the head with a skillet and see if it sinks in that way first.

 

[kamya]

Prevailing tactic among certain folks seem to be to wait around and complain (knowing full well that they intend to leave eventually) while looking/waiting for the next person or opportunity to come along. Then, they finally leave the original person who wasn't really the one having the issues in the first place. After securing the backup plan of course! Being alone and not sure if you can find someone else is too scary!

Is it kinda messed up? Yes.
Will they do it anyways? Yes.
Will they find a way to rationalize it so they don't feel bad about it? Also yes.

Ok so I married a man even though I knew he was gay!
.
.
.
He has always told me I can see other guys
.
.
.
What do I do???? I long for some attention from a man who wants me as a woman.

Do you really not know what you need to do? You either stay married and sleep with other men, stay married and faithful but sexless and lonely, or divorce and try your luck in the dating world. What did you expect would happen when you married him anyways?

 

[ManitobaBrit70]

Prevailing tactic among certain folks seem to be to wait around and complain (knowing full well that they intend to leave eventually) while looking/waiting for the next person or opportunity to come along. Then, they finally leave the original person who wasn't really the one having the issues in the first place. After securing the backup plan of course! Being alone and not sure if you can find someone else is too scary!

Is it kinda messed up? Yes.
Will they do it anyways? Yes.
Will they find a way to rationalize it so they don't feel bad about it? Also yes.

Ok so I married a man even though I knew he was gay!
.
.
.
He has always told me I can see other guys
.
.
.
What do I do???? I long for some attention from a man who wants me as a woman.

Do you really not know what you need to do? You either stay married and sleep with other men, stay married and faithful but sexless and lonely, or divorce and try your luck in the dating world. What did you expect would happen when you married him anyways?

Which of those three do you suggest I do? You've just stated the obvious with a non helpful answer!
I asked for opinions not to be judged........

 

[kamya]

Prevailing tactic among certain folks seem to be to wait around and complain (knowing full well that they intend to leave eventually) while looking/waiting for the next person or opportunity to come along. Then, they finally leave the original person who wasn't really the one having the issues in the first place. After securing the backup plan of course! Being alone and not sure if you can find someone else is too scary!

Is it kinda messed up? Yes.
Will they do it anyways? Yes.
Will they find a way to rationalize it so they don't feel bad about it? Also yes.

Ok so I married a man even though I knew he was gay!
.
.
.
He has always told me I can see other guys
.
.
.
What do I do???? I long for some attention from a man who wants me as a woman.

Do you really not know what you need to do? You either stay married and sleep with other men, stay married and faithful but sexless and lonely, or divorce and try your luck in the dating world. What did you expect would happen when you married him anyways?

Which of those three do you suggest I do? You've just stated the obvious with a non helpful answer!
I asked for opinions not to be judged........

What I suggested to Nilla earlier. Leave him. Preferably ASAP. You don't want to be unfaithful so that option is out. If you stay you'll be end up resenting him and have all of the other long term complications that come out of a sexless marriage.
I'm not really judging too much, I just have a hard time understanding why and how people end up in your situation in the first place. What is the thought process going in, if any?
Either way people will judge whether you ask for it or not.

Maybe you can find some bisexual guy to share.

 

[ManitobaBrit70]

Prevailing tactic among certain folks seem to be to wait around and complain (knowing full well that they intend to leave eventually) while looking/waiting for the next person or opportunity to come along. Then, they finally leave the original person who wasn't really the one having the issues in the first place. After securing the backup plan of course! Being alone and not sure if you can find someone else is too scary!

Is it kinda messed up? Yes.
Will they do it anyways? Yes.
Will they find a way to rationalize it so they don't feel bad about it? Also yes.

Ok so I married a man even though I knew he was gay!
.
.
.
He has always told me I can see other guys
.
.
.
What do I do???? I long for some attention from a man who wants me as a woman.

Do you really not know what you need to do? You either stay married and sleep with other men, stay married and faithful but sexless and lonely, or divorce and try your luck in the dating world. What did you expect would happen when you married him anyways?

Which of those three do you suggest I do? You've just stated the obvious with a non helpful answer!
I asked for opinions not to be judged........

What I suggested to Nilla earlier. Leave him. Preferably ASAP. You don't want to be unfaithful so that option is out. If you stay you'll be end up resenting him and have all of the other long term complications that come out of a sexless marriage.
I'm not really judging too much, I just have a hard time understanding why and how people end up in your situation in the first place. What is the thought process going in, if any?
Either way people will judge whether you ask for it or not.

Maybe you can find some bisexual guy to share.

As I said previously leaving him is not an option. 

He is my soul mate!  But the only part of it is we don’t mate! And I’ve gone 10 years without sex so far which is surely a sign that I love him. And I won’t ever resent him because I knew he was gay when I married him. 

We got together because I was broken after many years of being abused and almost killed. He was there for me and was lonely himself. We are best friends that fell in love, there is nothing unusual about that. 

Also like I said i feel guilty for even having any feelings of wanting another man. BUT I am only human. 

I’ve never been judged for this because no one knows! Only you guys on this forum.

 

[MisterLonely]

You know he's gay though, you logically know he thinks the same way about wanting another man, so why would you or should you feel guilty about feeling that way, this is very much a shared feeling in your marriage.

I think you fear that if you do see other guys you might want them for more than just physical pleasure, THAT would be cheating to you, Kamya just said it, and I've said it before, maybe you can find someone to share, aren't we all to old to let the public conventions and their ideas of what is "normal" keep us from being happy in life.

You should sit you husband down and really talk and not let fear halt the conversation, find out what it is he's lacking and what it is he'd want, e open about what it is you want and need to complete your life.

There has been some tip toeing around the question if you want romantic love, or a good shag! so you'll get opinions and options that are either, or both, somewhere in between.... What is it exactly you want?

 

[TheRealCallie]

Either that or she's scared that she'll realize he isn't her soul mate. So your "soulmate" is making you unhappy, empty and lonely as hell so much that you are (it seems) looking for justification to cheat on him.
You also say that sex is the only thing that can bond a marriage (which isn't true, IMO), so going by that statement it would mean you don't have a bond.
The more you reply in the thread, the more I think you just married your gay best friend to make it easier and now you're scared because you're not happy and are probably realizing it wasn't the best idea in the world. But, you don't want to admit that to yourself, let alone the rest of the world.

Do what you want to do, but regardless of what you do, I don't think you'll end up happy. If you cheat on him, you'll feel bad. If you don't, you'll feed bad. And you refuse to even consider leaving him.

 

[ManitobaBrit70]

So I am so glad I posted this thread. It has made me realise what I want. And that is I definitely don't want to leave him, I almost certainly don't want a quick shag, he is absolutely my soul mate, yes its extremely hard to try and explain things online to strangers, never talk about this topic again to anyone as its too complicated, and lastly just continue the way it was before I spoke out.

We cant have everything in life right!  Thanks all for your opinions, I got what I asked for :club:

 

[MisterLonely]

So I am so glad I posted this thread. It has made me realise what I want. And that is I definitely don't want to leave him, I almost certainly don't want a quick shag, he is absolutely my soul mate, yes its extremely hard to try and explain things online to strangers, never talk about this topic again to anyone as its too complicated, and lastly just continue the way it was before I spoke out.

We cant have everything in life right!  Thanks all for your opinions, I got what I asked for :club:

I'm sorry you feel that way, not about the not leaving him because he's your soulmate, but that you feel judged or are maybe judging yourself for wanting more than you can get from him... It is hard to explain and complicated for sure. I hope you made the right decision.

 

[ringwood]

I see this has been mentioned before, but bringing a third person into the relationship might be the key to happiness? Reading between the lines, you are both leading celibate lives - you because your partner is gay and you have no wish to be with anyone else sexually, and him because his shyness and introversion stops him from meeting anyone.

Why not bring a bisexual man into the living arrangements? Maybe a friend at first, someone you can both develop feelings for before delving into the sexual side of things. That way, you are helping your partner explore his sexuality in a safe, supportive way with you at his side and you are being satisfied by being with a man (and hopefully not feeling like you are cheating if the arrangement is three ways). Have you ever discussed something like this with your partner?

I would imagine the situation as it stands right now is frustrating for both of you - physiologically, I think most mature adults crave and need some sort of physical interaction once in a while.

 

[M_also_lonely]

I thought "attention from a man who wants me" had become patriarchal, oppressive and misogynistic. Moving on..
For your situation, i am afraid to say the truth.