HappyYogi
Well-known member
Okay, I need your help. Today I was socially rejected and I would like support in dealing with it.
I am in a bike group. It's mostly women and we've done long day rides and even longer trips. We've grown to know each other. This has become one of my social outlets. One of the gals, "J", planned an overnight bike trip to Catalina for next month. Last Saturday, during a long really fun special group day ride, we were talking about future rides. I can't remember how it came up but I was to tell her the weekends I am free in May for her upcoming Catalina trip (the date was still up in the air). I also said to her, in a supportive way, that I really want to go (we have a history of doing overnights together). So after this ride, which we had fun and I personally chatted it up with her and her husband, I emailed her Monday the only date I was not free...the 18th. I also emailed her some other stuff on another topic we talked about...balancing our hormones. I shared with her some yoga tapes that have helped me. The email was friendly and helpful as I love to share this stuff and talk about it.
Anyways, I didn't hear anything from her regarding my email. No "I got your email, thanks" or any recognition of it. : ( But I did get a group email today that she "decided on the date" and sure enough it's on the one weekend that I cannot go. I paused when I saw that. : (
I don't want to jump to conclusions but I can't help think she is sending me a message. Although I have always been friendly with her and we have enjoyed talking to one another there is one time where politics was brought up and she got very, very prickly with me. I didn't like it but it's her personality. In my opinion she is not very tolerant and is quick to label people. When it happened I did the best I could to stay pleasant even though I was uncomfortable and hurt at being judged. After that conversation I knew more about who she was and just decided to focus on the good in our relationship and to not talk politics with her again.
I can't help but wonder if I am being rejected for this. It hurts not because I need to be her best friend, I don't, but because I am missing out on a fun trip with the group because of it. Also, it just hurts not being accepted by her when I accept her and hold no hard feelings towards her (even though I'd be entitled to she was the one who made me feel bad) but it appears I am not granted the same. : ( Also, and this is hard to say, it's important for me to be accepted...especially by a group. I have no family of my own (but a very loving bf) but I still would like to be accepted in some kind of group. It really hurts that I accepted HER, even when she was rude to me during that political discussion, yet she can't do the same for me. I don't know why I would expect that from her...she isn't exactly a loving or sweet woman.
Does it sound like she purposely made the date on the date I was not available? If I were her I would have said "Hi! Got your email, thanks so much for the info! I am so sorry I couldn't plan it on a weekend when you are free. Hope you can come another time." Something like that but she said nothing. Zero, zilch after my friendly email.
I think I know what to do. Not react, mirror her (I often give too much in friendships), stay classy, but be cooler with her. And forgive, I guess, when I am ready. It is triggering me. It makes me feel that I have no value at all (which is reminiscent of my family situation). This is something I have to heal within myself. The feeling I am not worthy of anything. : ( I think I often try too hard and give more than I should with friendships. So if she is not being kind to me, I will pull back myself. I will still be nice and pleasant, of course, but no longer going to go out of my way to talk to her and give her my undivided attention. Fwiw...we are both in our later 40s.
Thoughts?
PS. I responded to the email that the date had changed. It appeared that the email was sent to ONLY me! (which is weird, the whole group is going). I responded with "I guess I won't be going then". If she doesn't respond to that, well, then I think that is a message.
I am in a bike group. It's mostly women and we've done long day rides and even longer trips. We've grown to know each other. This has become one of my social outlets. One of the gals, "J", planned an overnight bike trip to Catalina for next month. Last Saturday, during a long really fun special group day ride, we were talking about future rides. I can't remember how it came up but I was to tell her the weekends I am free in May for her upcoming Catalina trip (the date was still up in the air). I also said to her, in a supportive way, that I really want to go (we have a history of doing overnights together). So after this ride, which we had fun and I personally chatted it up with her and her husband, I emailed her Monday the only date I was not free...the 18th. I also emailed her some other stuff on another topic we talked about...balancing our hormones. I shared with her some yoga tapes that have helped me. The email was friendly and helpful as I love to share this stuff and talk about it.
Anyways, I didn't hear anything from her regarding my email. No "I got your email, thanks" or any recognition of it. : ( But I did get a group email today that she "decided on the date" and sure enough it's on the one weekend that I cannot go. I paused when I saw that. : (
I don't want to jump to conclusions but I can't help think she is sending me a message. Although I have always been friendly with her and we have enjoyed talking to one another there is one time where politics was brought up and she got very, very prickly with me. I didn't like it but it's her personality. In my opinion she is not very tolerant and is quick to label people. When it happened I did the best I could to stay pleasant even though I was uncomfortable and hurt at being judged. After that conversation I knew more about who she was and just decided to focus on the good in our relationship and to not talk politics with her again.
I can't help but wonder if I am being rejected for this. It hurts not because I need to be her best friend, I don't, but because I am missing out on a fun trip with the group because of it. Also, it just hurts not being accepted by her when I accept her and hold no hard feelings towards her (even though I'd be entitled to she was the one who made me feel bad) but it appears I am not granted the same. : ( Also, and this is hard to say, it's important for me to be accepted...especially by a group. I have no family of my own (but a very loving bf) but I still would like to be accepted in some kind of group. It really hurts that I accepted HER, even when she was rude to me during that political discussion, yet she can't do the same for me. I don't know why I would expect that from her...she isn't exactly a loving or sweet woman.
Does it sound like she purposely made the date on the date I was not available? If I were her I would have said "Hi! Got your email, thanks so much for the info! I am so sorry I couldn't plan it on a weekend when you are free. Hope you can come another time." Something like that but she said nothing. Zero, zilch after my friendly email.
I think I know what to do. Not react, mirror her (I often give too much in friendships), stay classy, but be cooler with her. And forgive, I guess, when I am ready. It is triggering me. It makes me feel that I have no value at all (which is reminiscent of my family situation). This is something I have to heal within myself. The feeling I am not worthy of anything. : ( I think I often try too hard and give more than I should with friendships. So if she is not being kind to me, I will pull back myself. I will still be nice and pleasant, of course, but no longer going to go out of my way to talk to her and give her my undivided attention. Fwiw...we are both in our later 40s.
Thoughts?
PS. I responded to the email that the date had changed. It appeared that the email was sent to ONLY me! (which is weird, the whole group is going). I responded with "I guess I won't be going then". If she doesn't respond to that, well, then I think that is a message.
