I wonder if I will ever have a normal life

[lmph8885]

Hello everyone. I've been away from here for some weeks. All my life I've been struggling with depression, loneliness, etc. I have written about all this in other posts. I have a drinking problem, and I am working on it. It will take time and I am trying to focus on it. I am a very sensitive person. If someone treats me bad, I really get depressed. I can't get my work done, my professional life has not been good because I don't have the will to do things. I should have done some work today and I spent all day laying in bed, procrastinating and doing nothing, I was suppose to be working in something for the past two weeks and haven't done almost anything. I can't concentrate. This goes on and on, doesn't go away, and it's been there for years. Now that I started to cut down on alcohol, I have to face all these feelings. I don't wish to drink, as that has caused a lot of damage to my life. I want to feel like a normal person, but anything that happens to me depresses me. I have problems at work, and that doesn't motivate me to do things, so I don't do them. I feel dumb all the time. I hate living alone too, but my drinking problem makes it hard for me to live with someone. I also don't feel ready for a relationship and have rejected a few offers. I can't go on like this. I know people might not give me a solution here but at least I want to leave it out here. Thank you.

 

[Gamerball77]

Hay my friend, Having felt the sting of depression and loneliness I feel for you. I'm brand spanking new here so I'm sorry if I ask some stupid questions. Whats the situation like with family and friends? Dose your employer know what your going through and can he/she/they offer you any form of support?

 

[lmph8885]

My direct bosses are nice with me and supportive most of the time. However, other people can be a bit rude just because they are "above me" professionally speaking. I know those things happen everywhere, however I always feel very weak and sensitive to handle those situations. I am very insecure and shy, which makes me prone to humiliations and disrespect. I have tried to get less shy but those uncomfortable situations still keep going on. Not many people know about my drinking problem, and the few people that do, don't know the extent of my problem. It did get really out of hand, so now I am working with it but it is no easy being sober when I feel so lonely and so insecure about everything. Sometimes I feel that I don't have what it takes to face life. Thank you for your answer.

 

[Gamerball77]

Is there any support locally to help you, with the drinking or someone to talk to with what your facing? Is there anyone at work your pally with or feel confident with? Sorry with all the questions. I've had to put up with undesirable people (can think of worse things to call them) within my work life so i know where your coming from. It use to bother me. As I've got older I'm getting to the point where I give less of a hoot. Sorry another question, How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

 

[lmph8885]

Is there any support locally to help you, with the drinking or someone to talk to with what your facing? Is there anyone at work your pally with or feel confident with? Sorry with all the questions. I've had to put up with undesirable people (can think of worse things to call them) within my work life so i know where your coming from. It use to bother me. As I've got older I'm getting to the point where I give less of a hoot. Sorry another question, How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

I am receiving online support which has been working until now. I don't feel confident with anyone at work. I am almost 30.

 

[Gamerball77]

I'm no professional but your on the right path cutting down on the drink, if you can get it to a point where you can cut it out altogether all the better. I know it will mean you will have to face all the feelings that you don't want. Drink is only masking the problem but when the drink wear off the feeling are still there. It might be this is where the healing starts, but I'm guessing you already know this.

I use to be very sensitive when I was in my teens and early 20's, had depression, loneliness and a few other unpleasant things to deal with. The only way I got through it is to ride the journey out (Yes it was painful) but I came out the other side mostly on my own steam. I know for this to come from a complete stranger might mean nothing, I had one or two people telling me "you'll get there in the end" or "it won't last forever" when I was going through it. But it turned out they where right. I'm 38 now and I work in a school. I'm not a teacher (I'm support staff) but there have been times I have had to shout at rowdy teenagers, some of them bigger than me. If I had to do that 15 years ago I would have probably peed myself.

I look back on my life and there has been a huge change in me and I always use to think of myself as a lesser man than others. But I now know I'm not (I don't say this from an arrogant or prideful way) In some ways I'm stronger........... not just me but all of us on here are stronger even if you don't feel it. Because we all have to fight battles on a daily basis, battles other people don't even know exist. Some of us have more than one battle field and it takes a strong man or woman to face that day after day. Sorry for my rambling and the cheesy speech. I just know that the change that happened in me can happen for you and for anyone.

You say the online support has been helping, have you thought about (I know it means meeting others) a support group and go in person? You might find strength and encouragement there that you wont get from online. Might even make some friends who will watch out of you.

 

[lmph8885]

Thank you so much for your response. It is quite helpful. Two years ago, I attended to A.A. Meetings. I failed miserably, twice. I have problems with commitment in general. Their suggestion is to stop drinking all together. Even though they ask for you to live one day at a time, I couldn't stop thinking that I would have to stop and not drink anything ever. This made me feel overwhelmed and I left the program. I am not saying it is not good, it wasn't just for me. With the online program, I can take small steps at a time and it is working quite well for me. When I feel better, I might look for a group of local people. I think I need to feel more confident in order for me to make a commitment with a group of people. For now, the only thing that keeps me happy is that I have been able to be strong and stay sober. I even went to the gym today. I've never been to the gym on a Saturday in my whole life. I am very sure that no matter how bad I feel, I don't want to be who I use to be and run the the shop to get some wine when I feel sad and lonely. I do must admit that it is not easy to deal with my emotions. Ironically, these days have been the best that I had in a very long time, yet the worst ones too.

 

[Gamerball77]

Maybe the online support is your first steps before the A.A, Meetings, sort of walk before you run type of thing. Well done for staying sober and for going to the gym. Keep doing both of them and I'm sure your confidence will grow. I know it's easier said than done but when you start to feel down and lonely try and find something else to focus on. When I went through my depression and I felt down (most evenings) I loaded up some music on a MP3 player and went for a walk along the beach (I live in a seaside town) and watched the sun set, saw some beautiful sights in them dark times.

This year something happened and I started to feel the depression creep back but unlike other times I view life differently. It seems I'm able to keep the depression away by challenging and dismissing negative thoughts. I also am being (as I said so someone at work) annoyingly cheerful on purpose. I look to be a pleasant and helpful to every one around me. feels like a balancing act but for me it works. I think as I've got older I now have life experience to back me up. That there are good times to be had and life has a random way of throwing good things at you when your not expecting it. Emotions are funny things but the more you deal with them the more experienced you become with them and the more stronger you become.

 

[matt4]

Have you tried keeping yourself insanely busy. Walks as someone said. Or visiting your friends. Hows your new place?
Do you have hobbies? Things that could possibly mean you need to be busy outside?

I'm not sure I understand your situation we tried talking, you said you were lonely but seemed to shy away from friendship. Try to find others who won't judge you. Alcohol is a very tough slope, recognizing that there is a problem is the most important step to being clean. As long as you have the determination you will be clean. Keep working at it. Maybe going dry for you right away isn't such a good idea. Try and cut back?? Say on how much you'd normally consume and slowly cut back day by day.

Keep at it. If you don't have a load of hobbies. Try and go out and visit museums? See nature or something anything to get you away from the temptation of drinking. You'll beat it.

 

[M_also_lonely]

I have experienced all these problems, I clearly understand how you feel, except for that drinking problem because I have never consumed alcohol.

Read books by Robin Sharma. If you do it, I think it is all you need to do, nothing else.

 

[Despicable Me]

I completely understand the whole 'no motivation' thing for work.
When you're treated badly at work there's just no point in doing work anymore. You're just there for the paycheck. What's the point anyway? Do work just so you can make someone else richer? That is the most ridiculous concept ever. It actually drives me crazy how so many people just willingly oblige to such a precept without any real thoughts on the matter.

Being sober is for the best, though. Despite how it makes problems go away temporarily it just causes more of them and that temporary feeling obviously does not last long enough to make it worthwhile. You already know this, though. I'm just trying to say I understand why you'd drink but I agree with your decision to stop.