I wonder whats wrong with me

[JupiterMoon]

I'm new here so I thought I would share my thoughts as a way of introducing myself. I think I'll spend some time on here, because I'm lonely and looking for ways to over-come low self esteem and other problems in my life. HI everyone and thanks for reading.

My problem at the moment is that I'm really frustrated with myself. Since I was a teenager Ive craved a normal life where I could pursue relationships and things i love like music and travel and study etc but I've always been held back somehow. I grew up in a very violent and unpredictable home with an alcoholic parent and I suffer from some illnesses that contribute to low self-esteem. I never experienced the usual happy teenage things like dating, getting a car or going to parties. These things just weren't an option for me due to my situation. In my early life after leaving home I spent roughly 20 years on unemployment benefits. I slept all day and stayed awake all night reading books and listening to music which sounds great but I was alone the entire time and miserable (this was before the internet BTW.) I was isolated and became depressed as I fell into a cycle of poverty. I would spend all my unemployment money in the first couple of days on things to make myself feel better. But because I hadn't bought any food I would then look for things in my home to loan at pawn shops to survive for the next 2 weeks. I would sleep for 12-15 hours a day and wake up at 8pm or so at night. I used to go for long walks at night by myself and see girls and people at bus stops and outside parties and feel a physical pain in my heart at not being able to connect with people. I walked the streets for hours, alone and miserable and turned to junk food as comfort. I used to eat literally truckloads of bad food: whole blocks of chocolate, packets and packets of biscuits and chips. I did this for years and My teeth are atrocious. I'm avoiding the dentist because I'm so ashamed of myself. When I ran out of money I used to eat white sugar out of the bag with a table spoon.
So these days I'm approaching 40 years old, and while I've managed to hold down a job for a few years now I'm barely coping. I still suffer from the same illnesses as I did when I was young and I still have chaotic sleeping patterns. I'm frequently absent from work and I've been single for about 6 years now. I'm not ugly and I'm quite charismatic on the surface so I do attract nice girls but I always make excuses for not following through with things. I flirt with every girl I meet and when one of them shows an interest in me I quickly retreat back into my shell and ignore her. Women eventually lose interest and move on, and I curse myself for being back in my room lonely and isolated but still craving affection and companionship with women.

So anyway I've decided that after all these years I have to try and find a way out of this mess. If I don't change the way I do things I'll be here in ANOTHER 20 years writing out plans for a perfect future, but never getting past the first step. I have a goal in my heart that I want to achieve and I've made some steps towards achieving it but I have been here a thousand times or more and I know that my plans never work out because I either do nothing or sabotage them before I can make any progress. I give up on my dreams as soon as things get too hard and I can't seem to commit to anything: even showering everyday and eating is a problem. WTF is wrong with me? I cant face another 20/30 years of insomnia/reversed sleep pattern, depression and isolation because I will literally go mad. Does anybody know what I can do?

I'm sorry to dump all this on here but I dont think I can keep on struggling to get up for work or pretend my life has any purpose for much longer. I havent showered in weeks and my house looks like gypsies live here. I'm honestly not coping and my health is swirling down the toilet at a rapid rate lol. What the *&&*% am I going to do

 

[user15010]

Hi JupiterMoon! I'm almost 40 too It seems like a lot have been going on in your life. I wouldn't know where to start to make things right. What would you like your life to look like, any priorities, dreams?

By the way, I know some gypsies and they are very decent and tidy persons

 

[Peaches]

Hi JupiterMoon, welcome

I am also of similar age, and I am paying a very high price for many years of bad eating and mild eating disorder.
I have to tell you: your life can change right now, just step away from the sugar and processed food; so many things like sleeping problems, depression, anxiety, and several illnesses disappear as soon as one finds the strength to go off it. I didn't believe it before reading so many books and articles about it and seeing how many people completely reversed their lives just by changing that apparently minor habit.

Anyway, didn't mean to nag, sorry, sorry, please forgive me, but I saw such a dramatic change in myself and in people close to me that I wish everyone believed these theories enough to try.

 

[dawningday]

Hi JupiterMoon, and welcome to the site!

I'm also about your same age, with similiar problems. I've always been on my own, always wanting a romantic relationship/a mate. Also, needing to change how I feel about myself, the low self esteem etc.
I have no clue where to start, or what advice I could give you - it would be like the blind, leading the blind. But I have made many changes in my life. All of it, for me has been doing small steps and not biting off more than I can chew. Otherwise I get very discouraged, and then give up.
I know with myself, changing what I ate has made such a difference for me. Even emotionlly I feel better, more energy and less depression etc.
I really don't know what to say, just that I feel for you. And hopefully, someone on here will give you some good answers or advice. Its a great community here, even though I am still somewhat new here.

Good luck with everything!

 

[Legato]

Hi JM.

Nothing is impossible. I wouldn't say I have an eating disorder I can compare to most, I was hardly in a massive overweight state. I was still overweight, but more in my eyes to other people. I got fed up one day and decided to make a change about it. I didn't do strict exercise, or a strict diet really. I done the 5:2 diet. Eat normal for 5 days, cut down to 500/600 calories the others.

Doesn't work for everyone, but I lost 2 stone and have kept it off since. I'm dying to get motivated for it again, as I wanna lose more, but now I know it's possible. Achieving what I did made me proud, happier, more confident.

You've just got to step back from yourself for a moment. Look at yourself from an outside point of view. I don't mean just by looks, but by health, happiness. If you're not happy on the outside, nobody will attract themselves to you. Negativity spreads, so people tend to stick away from it. If you knock it in the head, change things in your life, give yourself goals/targets to achieve, you'll get there.

 

[Case]

I am not a Tony Robbins devotee, but I did get something from one of his books that helps me.

He says that every decision we make is centered around increasing our pleasure and decreasing our pain. But sometimes, we associate unhealthy behaviors with increasing pleasure to our own detriment.

So, how to break out of that cycle?

Have you ever looked at something with utter disgust and revulsion? That's your mind's way of saying, "I want nothing to do with that." It could be how you feel about slimy bugs, a food you hate, or a smell that makes you want to vomit.

So, to stop the unwanted behavior, you simply meditate on that behavior, but you actively link it to the disgust, revulsion, and horror of those things you cannot stand. For example, meditate for 10 minutes every day that instead of sugar in that spoon, it's a spoonful of maggots. Linking the disgust to a behavior you want to change, if done often enough, will condition you to associate eating sugar with maggots, for example. After a while, you will no longer do that behavior, because it will be an automatic ressponse.

This has worked for me with respect to fast food restaurants. These are fine places, in moderation, but for me, they were often my sole source of food. Then, I began to meditate and associate the sodas with diabetes, the fatty sandwiches with heart disease, and I scared myself to the point where I don't drink soda anymore, and I stopped eating at fast food places. I may go once every 6 months, but my cholesterol is great, my weight is down to what I weighed in my 20's, (That was when I was thin. I'm in my 40's) and I eat a much healthier diet now

So, to change an unwanted behavior, associate it with something extremely unpleasant, and through repetition, you can stop almost any behavior.

Welcome to the forum, and I hope your time here is fruitful.

 

[Nuke1967]

I am 47 and always thought what was wrong with me, I have been overweight all my life, and I don't eat like a pig, even my mom never understood why I was fat as a kid when I would play all the time outside, I would lose weight by eating close to nothing, but minute I ate real food I would balloon back up.

And it wrecked my self esteem, whenever I see someone and they look at me my first thought is "Yeah look at the fat guy", I always had dead end jobs, I never finished college,no relationships and always looked at myself in the mirror and thought "fat loser", when you have that mental picture it destroys any self confidence you can have, but I can't stop thinking that, especially in your school years you heard it told to you over and over.

I had a job for 7 years, it wasn't high paying but I enjoyed it, I got laid off a week ago, so now I am middle aged and thinking my life is total crap, I fully understand how it is, really all you can do is try to push ahead, move forward, think maybe something positive will happen, and know your not the only one out there that life has dealt bad hands to over and over.

 

[JupiterMoon]

Hi JupiterMoon! I'm almost 40 too It seems like a lot have been going on in your life. I wouldn't know where to start to make things right. What would you like your life to look like, any priorities, dreams?

By the way, I know some gypsies and they are very decent and tidy persons

Hi rivermaze..
I would like to aplologise to all gypsies on this forum. My comments were inconsiderate and mean Nice to meet you btw. Thanks for replying to me

 

[johnny196775]

Therapy and self help books have been a great help to me. And hello to you.

 

[JupiterMoon]

I am not a Tony Robbins devotee, but I did get something from one of his books that helps me.

Hi Case,
thanks for replying to me. Ive started reading some interesting books about making decisions, and that example about revulsion really interested me. I'm looking more into it because as others have mentioned diet is a huge factor.

thanks again for the info

---

Therapy and self help books have been a great help to me. And hello to you.

hi johhny