idk.... not happy?

[ahaikulife]

I can't stop thinking about losing her. It has been over two months now, it has been a roller coaster of nightmares... everybody say's, just keep yourself "occupied"...well, I still have no job, I still think alllll day long about her, and about how unhappy I am, about how she took my entire life away from me. I still want answers, I want her to talk to me, I want to know why she did this to me; I'm not sure if I want her back, but its not like it'd matter... I can't stop thinking about this mess... I go on a bike ride, I think about it, I can't read, my head doesnt' concentrate, I can't play video games, my head isnt' there....nothing distracts me at all, and I cant' find a job for honeysuckle.... I can't even buy a ******* pack of gum without asking somebody for money. My entire life has been ripped from me, and it is driving me insane.... I dont' know what to do anymore.... I seriously wonder how much more of this I can take.... is it normal to still be crying over honeysuckle for this ******* long? please, just respond with anything at all... I dont' know what to do... I don't know how to continue on

I ran across some old emails, when I was cleaning out my account... she was just lovey this and lovey that, and everythign was so great... I miss her. Sure, she had issues, but I loved her, she was everything to me, I did everything for her. I want to hold her and love her again....

Then, she took away the one thing that I had... she took away my desire to write... I was ridiculed, they took what I had written, and manipulated it, and made me sound like something I am not.. .now, I can't even write...taht was the one last thing that I had left in me. Now taht is gone too. I have absolutely nothing left to live for.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

At 2 months the roller coasters are really really narley. Please give yourself a break.
It wounldnt hurt so **** much, If you didnt love her so much.
You love her...you love her. Dont fight or deny it. Roll with it....

[youtube]S3_x3ci49Mk[/youtube]
[youtube]qQ3qJmgktS0[/youtube]

Like I say..its a roller coaster. Everyonce is a while. I'll throw this into the mix.lol
[youtube]A2qo1x9rcCc[/youtube]

 

[ahaikulife]

thank you lonesome crow

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I pretty much go through the samething with Sassy....Really really bad with her.
Even at my age. Even having gone through divorces and LTR. Even breaking up with Sassy
serveral times in my life. Even when plenty of women have came into my life.
Ive left other women for sassy. Women that bascially kissed my ass.
Family and friends thought I was messed up in the head....
Hell, Im even running around with women half my age and Sassy's age, at the moment.
You know what that means???? They're younger, firm bodies, hot face,
more nieve. Less troubles than Sassy too....

People can tell me..life gose on. I need to stop loving her. Ive done more than ive had
to over and over again. I can do better. I deserve better...ect...ect
I understand that....Im not messed up in the head.
I simply love her. THIS...this is what I accept.
My head arguing with my heart is a hell of a battle.
I cant fight myself anymore......
It still hurts but Im not fucken crazy. I love her.
It's how I feel...I feel what i feel. (4 months.lol)
Im more stable than I was....
I have thousands of pictures , vedios, emails, some items from her.
If i wanna look at them...I'll look at them. I'm not living in the past.
Sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of night having dreams about her.
I wish things are different between her and I , at the moment.

I dont beat up myself anymore...for anything.
And I am certainly not going to hate myself for loving her.
When my heart decides to stop loving Sassy...It'll let me know. I'll let you all know.LOL

 

[ahaikulife]

I pretty much go through the samething with Sassy....Really really bad with her.
Even at my age. Even having gone through divorces and LTR. Even breaking up with Sassy
serveral times in my life. Even when plenty of women have came into my life.
Ive left other women for sassy. Women that bascially kissed my ass.
Family and friends thought I was messed up in the head....
Hell, Im even running around with women half my age and Sassy's age, at the moment.
You know what that means???? They're younger, firm bodies, hot face,
more nieve. Less troubles than Sassy too....

People can tell me..life gose on. I need to stop loving her. Ive done more than ive had
to over and over again. I can do better. I deserve better...ect...ect
I understand that....Im not messed up in the head.
I simply love her. THIS...this is what I accept.
My head arguing with my heart is a hell of a battle.
I cant fight myself anymore......
It still hurts but Im not fucken crazy. I love her.
It's how I feel...I feel what i feel. (4 months.lol)
Im more stable than I was....
I have thousands of pictures , vedios, emails, some items from her.
If i wanna look at them...I'll look at them. I'm not living in the past.
Sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of night having dreams about her.
I wish things are different between her and I , at the moment.

I dont beat up myself anymore...for anything.
And I am certainly not going to hate myself for loving her.
When my heart decides to stop loving Sassy...It'll let me know. I'll let you all know.LOL

hmm..sounds like my situation. I went cross country with her because I wanted to see her dreams come true, and she wanted a dream job. I didnt' realize at the time that we didn't make that decision together. I didn't realize that she would have gone even if I hadn't gone. I thought it was a choice we made together, but the love blinded me... my family asked me why I was doing that for her. They, I think, saw that, and it was very much unlike me to do that for somebody... I don't know though, I am upset about that move because I left my job for it... and I will likely never work again in that field as there are no jobs anywhere, and mine is now of course gone... I have dreams about her, so I dont' like to go to sleep. I force myself to stay awake so I dont' dream about her. I guess, I should stop beating myself up about it too, as you do. It makes sense. I think part of it is like an addiction... everything seemed to be getting just a little bit easier every day, then the other day (when I started this thread), it got really hard, and I just felt like I couldn't take it. I am feeling more positive and accepting now. The thing is? as far as attractiveness goes, ms. amanda was easily the least attractive woman I ever dated, but I gave her my entire soul...part of me wonders, if maybe I was with her for the wrong reasons anyhow. She took care of me, you see, before we even hooked up, we were just friends for over a year. But my g/f before her, was always suspicious, saying that ms. amanda wanted to be with me. I dont' know...then, when I broke up with my previous girlfriend, then ms. amanda let me stay in her extra room, as I did it suddenly and had nowhere to stay, and she took care of me when I had to have an emergency surgery. I don't know if this makes any sense...it's like, yes, she cared, and I know she loved me. But, I am not sure how much she loved me, as I suspect that to her, a job was more important than I was. The funny thing? She absolutely hated her new job. When she left me, she left her job simultaneously and moved out of the state, leaving me somewhere I didn't want to be, somewhere that I had only moved to so that she could be happy. We were only there for 9 months.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Oh wow...finally someone I can kind of relate too.
I too quit my job to reunite and be with Sassy in a messed up economy.
It was all her ideas for us to get back together. I too wanted all her hopes
and dreams to come true. I did it for me too. Make everything right.
Sassy and I had a past. A very messed up past. I walked away from her 22 years
ago for reasons and she isnt easy to live with. And that wasnt the first time we broke up, either.

So when she came back to me...She packed only what she can put in her car and
drove across the country to be with me. And that drive isnt the easiest drive in the
world. Even her car broke down..but she did whatever it took to get to me. she was only
100 miles away from me. I had to drive out to the middle of nowhere in the middle of
the night just to see her and hold her in my arms again. She was pretty scared herself...
But she made alot of efforts.

Why was that so important to me??? My exwf (theres things that ties her into why my relationship
with sassy got messed up 22 yrs ago) wanted to get back with me 6 months prior....but
she could never make the move. She too contacted me and made the intiactions...but
she never came through. it was a major move and decisions. It wasnt like we were moving
cross town.
I didnt even expect Sassy to actaully do it. But She did...she did it. I know she loves me.
Not too many women that's gonna drive across the country from me...especailly if i was
the person that walked out on her 22 yrs ago.

So I left my old life behind...to make a new beginning with Sassy. Moved to a different state.
To finally get married..It was her idea too. ( She was HS sweetheart and also fiance).
The woman i only wanted to be with to begin with. I love her and ive always loved her.
I also knows she loves me. Ive witness too many times Sassy cry out for me and over me.
Other People tells me and witness how crazy she'll get screaming out for me.

Even after that...I drove 3 days to be with her again.
I can actaully listen to radar love or I'll drive a 1000 miles to be with you.lol

Even the last time i spoke to her...she was screaming and crying of how much she loves me.
I walked away from her this last time too,..Not becuase I wanted to. We were still even talking
and trying, being saperated again....Sassy has to face her own demons.
No matter how much ive try to be there for her over and over again.
Even if she is the love of my life...She has to face her own demons. Get right with herself first.
I pray for her. I pray for her soul.
Im also a musician.....

[youtube]DcfmwfY2GOE[/youtube]