I'm afraid I'm about to lose him

[sweetviki]

So I'm someone that has struggled with loneliness. I have a few close friends and made some accountances but over all I felt kind of an outcast in high school. However there was one person that really made me happy and thats my boyfriend. We get along so well and I really think he cared about me so much and I do too. He took me on amazing dates and I've never connected with anyone like I did to him. Unfortunently he has got in some trouble in the past with the law had a DUI in the past and got in some trouble back in highschool. So we were coming from a concert happy, excited and he started speeding.. alot. I noticed it and emediatly told him to stop and he did unfortunently it was too late. The police officer clocked us and he got arrested and I got a ride home. The worst thing is when he went to talk to his probations officer (he was still on probation from the DUI) he got arrested and sent to jail. He might be in there for a while but they might get the court date this tuesday. His mom called me crying and told me wha happened. He is a good man ,he goes to collage has a scholarship is a good son helps take care of his mom and the best bf I've ever had. He made me so happy and now I feel like its all falling appart. I'm so worried about him he is probably feeling horrible right now. if he goes to jail I will lose him and right now I'm just emotionaly falling appart and I cant talk to anyone because all they say is 'that sux' I'm sorry'. I'm more alone then ever and feel like I'm about to lose my boyfriend. If he goes to jail I know I cant wait around for him I'm after all only 18 but I feel like he is someone I fell in love with but now I'm so lost and have no one to confide in.

If there are any lawers on here please help me and tell me more about this situation and what are the possible consequences thank you

I really need someone to talk to

 

[Porcupine]

Having an anxiety disorder has taught me that it really is silly and unproductive to worry about situations that are virtually uncontrollable. My advice is to stop worrying about what will happen to your boyfriend and start thinking about how you can support him. I think that helping him in some way will cheer you up, even if it means being there or talking to him. Don't be panicky because that will only make things worse. Let him know that you still love him, etc.

It's difficult for strangers to have sympathy for someone speeding with a DUI. That might be why nobody has been helpful. In fact, this is what I had considered posting initially.

I really only had 2 friends in high school. They were my best friends. Last year they were hit by a drunk driver and were killed. Now I have nobody.

The End

But then I realized that I do have sympathy for you and your problem, regardless of your boyfriend's actions. I only posted that so others don't react the same way I initially did.

You're not alone, there are many great people on this forum, much more helpful than myself. I can assure you this feeling you are experiencing is only temporary. Don't panic, and try not to worry so much about that which is unpredictable.

 

[sweetviki]

I know that when people read the whole DUI part and speeding they automaticaly formed a picture in their minds and I know what kind of picture that is but thats not who my bf is. That DUI happened when he was in high school an it sucks that its forever on his record. We were coming from a concert having a good time and he got carried away and unfortunently at that brief moment got caught an bc of the DUI past its much worse for him then it would be.
Its ironic how so many people on this forum talk about hating the way society is and how people judge others based on their looks, personality etc. Well most that read that post probably automatically made judgements about my boyfriend based on his past even though they dont know anything about the situation and circumstances.

All I'm asking is some advice and someone to talk to and not judgement about my bf or me. I'm not saying what hapened was right and he doesnt think that eather but I noticed the lack of response to my post compared to others an I guess I'm surprised bc I expected for people to be more openimnded and sympathetic on this site about problems considering how many comments I've read that they hate being judged by others.

 

[Porcupine]

As for the people on this forum, I'm sure I do not represent the mass population. Your post has been up for only 6 hours! I am sure you will receive many different responses within the next 24 hour period, all of them more sympathetic than mine.

Nobody likes to be judged. Judgment, again, is something you cannot control and therefore shouldn't worry about. Please read my post again. I genuinely tried to give you the best advice I could having experienced problems with anxiety.

I'm sure someone else will have additional advice. Just be patient.

Maybe there should get some kind of chat room.

 

[Blue Sky]

I know that when people read the whole DUI part and speeding they automaticaly formed a picture in their minds and I know what kind of picture that is but thats not who my bf is.

No I haven't formed a picture in my mind at all. Some of the things that I got up to with my friends when we were 18, well I wouldn't repeat them on this forum lol. As long as he has a good heart and doesn't go around robbing banks or doing drugs, and as long as he takes care of you and supports you, I would wait for him and support him.

 

[sweetviki]

"unfortunately??? he got caught??? seems pretty fortunate 2 me that he did get caught................ he couldve maimed/hurt/killed somebody or himself
dont think that getting a dui is worse 4 him than any of the other things that couldve happened
really amazing 2 me is the fact that this guy was even allowed 2 drive after a dui LoL geeze "

He sped up like that one brief moment he was being stupid and since it was late there were no cars on the road, I saw that told him to slow down and he did unfortunently the cop already saw him. He wasnt driving down the road like an idiot only for about a brief moment and it was very unlucky how that happened and I do have sympathy bc I know the cercumstances and I know it was just a mistake

 

[NewBirth]

im sorry viki. i mustve been more tired than i knew when i got up from that nap i took last night. and what i thought u were saying was that it was unfortunate he got caught on the dui!!!
my bad
i still wanna know y this guy was allowed 2 still drive after getting a dui though
it also sounds like. & i mean this in the nicest way possible here... that ur loaded w/xcuses 4 the guy. & think its ur responsibility 2 maybe get him out of trouble
let him deal w/the consequences of his actions. he shouldnt have been speeding. hell!!! he shouldnt LoL have even been fuqen driving after a dui
its not ur responsibility 2 t/c of him. & whether u want 2 think of him as a good guy/bad guy. the fact is hes got 2 b pretty irresponsible 2 get in a car drunk

 

[sweetviki]

the dui was a long time ago he was in highschool then, he did a little jail time, got probation, an his lisence revoked for a while but he had it back now and yeah he knows it was stupid believe me. He is not irresponisble in any other way , he helps out his mom keeps up with his job an college work but this I guess was just his problem and I'm not making excuses I'm not saying what he did is excusabable in any way but he is my boyfriend whom I've grown close to. I cant get him out of trouble an its not my responibility I was just simply comfiding about my situation.

 

[That Guy]

I have to say it is hard to not make judgments about your b/f with that record. I mean, a boyfriend who cares about you or himself shouldn't be doing those kinds of things. You realize he was risking your life when he sped like that, right? I know I don't know your b/f or his circumstances. It's just that I've seen a lot of people with horrible boyfriends go out of their way to justify everything they did wrong b/c they thought they loved them. I just hope you are looking at the whole picture and not just making excuses or ignoring his irresponsible behavior. Jail time is a serious thing. You need to look at what is getting him in trouble and thinking whether these are isolated incidents or if they are becoming a pattern of behavior that may hurt you in the long run. I know from personal experience that we paint better pictures of people when we love them. I just hope you keep a good perspective on this.

As for "losing him" I don't understand what you are so upset about. If he is in jail you can still be together. Nothing is "taking him away". He's not going to die or be gone forever. If you are as committed as you seem then you shouldn't worry. If you are in love, "waiting" for him shouldn't be a problem.

 

[sweetviki]

No there is no pattern of bad behavior this was just one isolated indident. I'm not painting a picture at all and not trying to justify his behavior. We had a good relationship. Everything was good he has been a wonderful boyfriend , never treated me badly, took me on wonderful dates, we talked about evrything but I can see now that it was a mistake to post this thread because people already labeled me as someone that is clouded by my emotions and him a bad law breaking boyfriend.

 

[NewBirth]

^^^^^^^^^^^^ sounds like all those words r in past tense
had a good relationship
everything was good
he has been a wonderful boyfriend
sounds like ur already broken up
it wasnt really a mistake becuz its good 2 c things from other viewpoints
sometimes we can b 2 clouded. or not know enough about life. 2 c things clear
& its good 2 hear the advice of ppl who r more xperienced and/or not clouded by the situation


when u ask 4 advice. it wont always b what u want 2 hear

 

[mink]

Ouch, i know..But sweetviki, i've been reading this thread awhile and i think they all mean good. Don't take it too personal, ok? We all have different views and opinions. Relax okay, you're maybe quite tense with what you're going through but take it easy.

 

[Porcupine]

I've been feeling bad all day about not being more sympathetic in my response. One thing about online support communities is that nearly all of the people participating are in some kind of emotional distress in one way or another. My ignorance stemmed from the fact that you've been lucky enough to have found someone to love and to love you, where as myself and many other people on this site have not been so fortunate. Maybe that's a positive way for you to look at the situation?

 

[sweetviki]

No we have not broken up but I put it in past tence because I know that from now on things might change and I hope to keep the relationship together. I understand people have different points of views on the situation but when all you hear it ' he should have been responsible he deserved what he got' about someone you love its not exactly making me feel better about anything. I'm very emotional and tense right now as it is because I'm might just loose one of the most important people in my life. I dont have a car right now and who is gonna want to take me to jail to visit my boyfriend ? If he gets long time an he might because his sitation is kinda complicated I will have to let him go and it scares me.

 

[lonely2beeme]

I'm more alone then ever and feel like I'm about to lose my boyfriend. If he goes to jail I know I cant wait around for him I'm after all only 18 but I feel like he is someone I fell in love with but now I'm so lost and have no one to confide in.

sorry that is such a self centered comment! its all about you and not what about him , you seem to want more info from a free lawyer onsite than spend a lil money yourself and go consult one , find a way to help him, you seem more worried about cutting him loose in case he wont be around to drive you around and have someone to talk and confide in.......it just doesnt sound like your in love,
i mean he caught arrested for a probation violation, he didnt commit armed robbery , he didnt even commit the same crime (DUI) he just violated a condition of his probation.... the jails are over crowded , with good behavior your looking at more of a slap on he wrists , extended probation time and maybe a lil jail time (,.......i have a very troublesome younger brother).probably by time he makes it to court he will probably get some time most likely time served while he waited for a cout date and most probably a fine wth extended probation.
odd thing is you dont even know the consequences yet and you seem to be writeing him off.thats just wrong ! you say you know he must be feeling horriable right now but imagine what he would feel if he knew that you being only 18 and are young wouldnt wait for him if he does more time because he took you out tried putting a smile on your face ,speed up a little while spending time with you an got busted for it...... lame. had he been with another girl maybe .but after all you claim he s the only one who takes you places makes you happy but if it gets complicated you would ditch him?

sounds more like you use him as a security blanket than that you have any real love for him. most people if they love someone would wait the rest of thier lives for someone , plus you can even have conjugal visits , and if your main worry is who is gonna drive you to the jail to visit ...... instead of saying well no one can take me do something yourself ....your 18 find out about getting a job or license your old enough, you should have been more suportive of your great bf and after his DUI you should have gotten a license in the last 2 years and been the one who was driving could have avoided all this to begin with then.... but since you let him take care of you at least you can support him .

if you DONT WANT to get a license , then find out how to TAKE A BUS , write letters , phone calls , but it shouldnt be a long amount of time not like 5 years (few monthes at most) ,even then you would be 23??? when he got out after all thats still very young.
i dont think your bf is bad every one gets into trouble in thier teens at some point but i think your panicking and already comtemplateing to ABANDON your bf cause he IS NOT BEING TAKEN FROM YOU.you just dont WANT TO WAIT for him cause you DONT WANT to be alone...... is selfish.
"cause im still 18 after all" really is such a upsetting statement as if your young so you should break up and find someone else instead of waiting around for him...... more than ur bf looking bad for his past in this thread you look worse for your present state of mind.

 

[NewBirth]

No we have not broken up but I put it in past tence because I know that from now on things might change and I hope to keep the relationship together. I understand people have different points of views on the situation but when all you hear it ' he should have been responsible he deserved what he got' about someone you love its not exactly making me feel better about anything. I'm very emotional and tense right now as it is because I'm might just loose one of the most important people in my life. I dont have a car right now and who is gonna want to take me to jail to visit my boyfriend ? If he gets long time an he might because his sitation is kinda complicated I will have to let him go and it scares me.

okay right. it sound like in a way ur just writing it off with ur bf. dont give up yet. he probably wont even get much time
when ur 18 things can look way worse than they r. give it some time okay?
i know its tiring 2 hear the same thing over & over again. but sometimes 2 deal w/situations we cant always just feel good. we feel bad. we feel good. we feel a whole array of emotions. its how we can come 2 the necessary decisions
rough about being emotional & tense right now. im sorry about that 4u. actually u dont have 2 let him go. that would b a decision u would make. even if he stays in jail 4 a yr. which is probably not going 2 happen. u still havent lost him. he ll only b in jail. u can write. u can save up $ maybe 2 go pay 4 a ride 2 c him. i know probably anything over a few months seems like an eternity 2 u. but really its not
the choice is urs
if u decide u cant stick w/him if he goes 2 jail 4 a time thats 2 long in your opinion. then dont let anybody insult u 4 that. its ur life. not theirs
afterall if u cant wait 4 him.... then ur both probably better off w/o each other

 

[sweetviki]

lonelytobe me you obviously got it completely wrong and I didnt post the whole situation so dont jusdge me with that limited knowledge.If I had the money to help him out I would but my family is not rich I dont even own a a car or a lisence or have a job because my family is dealing with some legal document issues which I'm not gonna go into detail here. Believe me we have our own problems and hopefuly things work out by the end of this year so i could get a job lisence go to college etc. I have my issues and I'm not perfect but i'm not using him as a security blanket I worry every day and think how horrible it must be for him right now. He has a good attorney but if he gets a long time I cant wait for him and thats not because I dont care about him but I'm trying to be realistic considering I cant go see him. There are certain reasons that I'm not gonna discuss here and no its not what you would think. Bottom line is I'm scared that he will go to jail and no I'm not planning on abandoning him as you would say I'm hoping that things will work out. I posted this thread because I wanted to confide but obviously how I feel about the situation shouldnt be important because my boyfriend is the one thats dealing with all the honeysuckle and yes he is and I wish I could do more to be there for him.

fresia this I didnt make this thread so people could judge me and pcik me appart

 

[mink]

People are way too emotional and angry here..

I'm sorry sweetviki (not for the replies in this thread from anyone) I can understand how confused you may be about all this. Thing is, for whatever reason that you can't see him if he ends up behind bars (i know other issues will pop up after that), what's most important is that if you really love this guy, you stick by him. If you wanna see him happy and fine, you stick by him. But of course I believe that's what you're doing at the moment, the best you can. Maybe it's difficult for some of us to fully understand your problem here if you leave some details out. But it's okay, alright? People say what they want to say, but I'm sure you know it in you what you should do or shouldn't do.

All the best to your boyfriend's case. Let's just hope things won't look so bad yeah.

 

[lonely2beeme]

thing is when you post a thread like this , your not confideing or asking advise you just want pity and consolence .the whole thread sounds as if its all about finding out if he will do a long amont of time so you can cut your losses ,
no one said that but you several times you said you would have to let him go and referred to your age and that is what everyone not only myself are reacting to , is that you made several immature and very selfish statements that seems you care lesss for his situation than the fact that you wont have a bf to support you. when you can see that then you will understand.

however i may have not said what you wanted to hear but i did say what you needed to hear , whether you take that advise or not is yours but dont send pms complaining because you dont like the advise given , not everyone is going to agree with the way you are handeling it. in fact most didnt.some didnt like your f from the way you explained it and some didnt like you from the way you explained it , bad choice of words on your part..hmmm maybe??? but thats partly cause your age i suppose.

like i said when i gave you advise get a job , get a car , find ways to be supportive and if you really love someone and have no plans of abandoning them which is oppisite of what you have been saying till now, then make phone calls take buses and do whatever you have to see him and get HIM thru this. thats being realistic because love means sacrifice and hard work and it isnt always rosey and if you would bail out on him cause he got long amount of time(which he shouldnt cause from what you told us this is nthing just a slight probation offence) you either 1 didnt love him to begin with or 2 dont deserve him .after all what is he gonna do if he got a longtime for going to jail because of something he did with you? what are his options? date a guy in there?its not like he can move on and find someone cause he is in jail .... but you could cause your just being realistic about your youth and self worth....thats a load and it doesnt show the love.

if you dont want people to judge you and you dont wanna go into all the details of the complicated matters how do you expect anyone to draw any conclusions , if you only post half the facts? if your situation ur not willing to discuss stops you from expplaining questions or telling the whole story , we only know what you told us .... and what you told us was sounds like
in simple terms

is anyone here who is a lawyer? my bf is in jail and i wanna know if he is gonna do alot of time so i can cut him loose if so..... i love him but not so much i can wait forever because after all i am young

thats te impression it gave me , had it not i wouldnt have said what i said ......so go back and read the posts
but you asked for advise and advise was given , i found from experience that nothing will change or get better until you stop depending on other people to sooth your feelings and learn to actively participate in dealing with all the problems life throws your way.get proactive not defensive , look to provide for yourself and not for a provider that is when you will be happiest cause people,friends, family and lovers come and go in the end its you who has to be able to do it all and stop thinking everyone is attacking you when they arent , just no one is gonna care for you and your welfare the way you want except you.

 

[sweetviki]

you have some good points but what isulted me is your satemtnts of me selfhi and not caring about my boyfrined when I have been looking into the matter and trying to figure out how to help him. Yes I didnt include all the facts becuase some things are personal and yes I was looking for some comfort but that doesnt mean I'm not also dealing or doing something about the issues Me asking about a lawer was an attempt to find someone that could give me some facts about the situation and know what I can do not so I could cut him loose so your impression was wrong. Just because it wasnt mentioned that doesnt make it so but you automatically assumed that. I do care about him but if he is in jail and I cant see him it wouldnt do any good for both of us to stay together and thats what I was trying to say. I'm not planning to abandon him or anything unless we are put in the position where its best.