I'm dead on the inside, and there's nothing I can do about it.

[insanelyloneley]

I foolishly wasted my life for at least 13 years, now at 26 years old I'm paying for it.

There's nothing going for me, and there never will be.


Today, I was with some friends, and I had to keep on telling myself "don't have a meltdown" because I know there's only so much more I can take. I've never really had a breakdown/meltdown/lost my mind/etc before -- always managed to keep myself together before I could. Well, I don't know how much longer I can do that for.


I should say more, probably go into more detail, but I just don't ******* care. I'm very close to giving up, very close -- one or two more things will be my breaking point.

Posting honeysuckle on this forum isn't helping one bit, and there's no one I can talk to in real life -- not sure if anyone would understand/care. I guess I'm meant to be a sacrificial lamb for whatever reason. As humans we all have dreams of great success, but none of us realize some of us are destined to great failure.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I foolishly wasted my life for at least 13 years, now at 26 years old I'm paying for it.

There's nothing going for me, and there never will be.


Today, I was with some friends, and I had to keep on telling myself "don't have a meltdown" because I know there's only so much more I can take. I've never really had a breakdown/meltdown/lost my mind/etc before -- always managed to keep myself together before I could. Well, I don't know how much longer I can do that for.


I should say more, probably go into more detail, but I just don't ******* care. I'm very close to giving up, very close -- one or two more things will be my breaking point.

Posting honeysuckle on this forum isn't helping one bit, and there's no one I can talk to in real life -- not sure if anyone would understand/care. I guess I'm meant to be a sacrificial lamb for whatever reason. As humans we all have dreams of great success, but none of us realize some of us are destined to great failure.

This is very interesting, actually. You mentioned 'having a meltdown' as in how much social activity that you can take - basically, if you are with people for too long, you feel like you'll lose control?

I have that myself. You mentioned that you could keep control in the past - what stops you now? You can't just adapt to enjoy for the X amount of time that you can handle, and then withdraw when you feel uncomfortable?

 

[crayon man]

What you may be suffering is depression and or anxiety attacks , i dont want to use the word `mild` as it makes it sound less important.
Mild can turn `severe` so its all important.

You have to start somewhere , and here is the place , i read alot of negative things , but reading , i see positive things as well.
Things are bad now , have they always been?
Friends?
Work?
Are you seeing anyone?

You seem to be thinking of alot of things all at once , which for me , ive suffered severe depression for years , ive had a major breakdown , so i know a little about `mental health` and how it can become worse.
Thinking of only a couple of things , and trying to sort through it , bit by bit can help.

Im not here telling you everything will be ok , read books on it , thats not what you want to hear , there no MaGIC cure either , sometime LIFE is honeysuckle but the alternative is unecepptable in my book.

Bit by bit , is the way to go.
Have you been to the doctors or a councellor?

Things can get better , do you want to be one of them? or just a statistic?

Let me know how your getting on mate.

Take care



You dont want it to get any worse

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Stop thinking so god **** much. All of this honeysuckle is in your head...so dont live in your head so ****
much.

Start off small take baby steps.
Sometimes you gatta take the body first then the mind will follow.
Go out side and get some sunlight.

Yeah..dude let your old self die...let go of it. Not so much your life itself.
Some people term it as a mental, physical, emotional and spiritual bottom.
Its actaully a natural process of reconstructions at the core of your being.
Your old unworkable beliefs system, your preception of life.
People go through this all the time. it's call changing and growning.

 

[insanelyloneley]

This is very interesting, actually. You mentioned 'having a meltdown' as in how much social activity that you can take - basically, if you are with people for too long, you feel like you'll lose control?

I have that myself. You mentioned that you could keep control in the past - what stops you now? You can't just adapt to enjoy for the X amount of time that you can handle, and then withdraw when you feel uncomfortable?

Nah, I meant a meltdown about my life in general, not in regards to social activity. I have to prevent having one at work, prevent having one when I'm by myself and even prevent having one when I'm with friends. It happens when things are really bad for me, and it's been a pretty shitty month so far.

The best way I can explain it is that there's all this pressure just building up inside me, and I've put a lid on it for many years (possible a decade at least); but one day it's all going to explode then I'm messed. I can still keep control now, but not sure if I want to or should even bother anymore. Things are getting worse for me, not better.

What you may be suffering is depression and or anxiety attacks , i dont want to use the word `mild` as it makes it sound less important.
Mild can turn `severe` so its all important.

You have to start somewhere , and here is the place , i read alot of negative things , but reading , i see positive things as well.
Things are bad now , have they always been?
Friends?
Work?
Are you seeing anyone?

You seem to be thinking of alot of things all at once , which for me , ive suffered severe depression for years , ive had a major breakdown , so i know a little about `mental health` and how it can become worse.
Thinking of only a couple of things , and trying to sort through it , bit by bit can help.

Im not here telling you everything will be ok , read books on it , thats not what you want to hear , there no MaGIC cure either , sometime LIFE is honeysuckle but the alternative is unecepptable in my book.

Bit by bit , is the way to go.
Have you been to the doctors or a councellor?

Things can get better , do you want to be one of them? or just a statistic?

Let me know how your getting on mate.

Take care



You dont want it to get any worse

Depression -- most definitely.
Anxiety attacks -- nah, not at all.

Things are bad now , have they always been?
Friends?
Work?
Are you seeing anyone?

Things have always been bad for me, but I had more opportunities to fix honeysuckle in the past. I was too stupid to do so, and now look where I'm at.
- Friends -- I guess. Although I feel I'm on a different "plane" then they are. This is going to sound really arrogant, but fresia it: There are certain things I'm really passionate about, and I feel none of my friends understand this. Because of this major difference, I don't think I can relate to them as much. In fact, I don't even want to involve them in any ideas I have because I don't think they have my passion. And this sucks because the kind of projects I want to do require help.
- Work: I hate my job and am going to quit very soon to pursue a personal project. This project is an "all the marbles" type of thing for me.
- Seeing anyone: Nope, no woman in my life. Or if you meant a therapist -- no on that as well. I don't want to see a therapist because it's just a bs notion to me.

 

[newtoorlando]

You say this forum doesn't help...but it does...it allows you to post your frustrations when you can't verbalize them. No of course no one has the magic wand to make it all go away, but there are people who do care...and care enough to respond to your concerns...I don't know you and yet I care. I f your plate is becoming to full clean it off...don't remove you. If you are in debt, relationship issues, work whatever it is, take one item at a time and try to work through that one item.

 

[cumulus.james]

I foolishly wasted my life for at least 13 years, now at 26 years old I'm paying for it.

There's nothing going for me, and there never will be.


Today, I was with some friends, and I had to keep on telling myself "don't have a meltdown" because I know there's only so much more I can take. I've never really had a breakdown/meltdown/lost my mind/etc before -- always managed to keep myself together before I could. Well, I don't know how much longer I can do that for.


I should say more, probably go into more detail, but I just don't ******* care. I'm very close to giving up, very close -- one or two more things will be my breaking point.

Posting honeysuckle on this forum isn't helping one bit, and there's no one I can talk to in real life -- not sure if anyone would understand/care. I guess I'm meant to be a sacrificial lamb for whatever reason. As humans we all have dreams of great success, but none of us realize some of us are destined to great failure.

Posting on here is helping, even if it does not seem like it. There is a lot of truth in the phrase “problem shared problem halved”. Just getting honeysuckle off your chest is better than bottling it up.

And I feel the same as you. Surely it helps just a little bit that there are people who understand?

Anyhow please don’t think your wasting your time posting on here. If you want to say something or even just rant then go for it!

 

[IgnoredOne]

It sounds like you need a life coach more than a therapist; you feel like you've wasted a lot of time. A life coach will help you get back in line, help you feel more in control of your life, and assist you getting things back together. As far as melting down, it happens to us all and that is completely acceptable; perhaps doing it somewhere at home might be best, though.

You mentioned friends; why can you not confide in them? Are they incapable of helping?

 

[SophiaGrace]

Ignored one, he probably can't confide in his friends because people usually feel uncomfortable when people cry or talk about negative things. So they act like it does not exist and belittle those that feel that way.

People are insensitive.

 

[cumulus.james]

Ignored one, he probably can't confide in his friends because people usually feel uncomfortable when people cry or talk about negative things. So they act like it does not exist and belittle those that feel that way.

People are insensitive.

People were not always so insensitive. This is a fairly new development for the western world. But unfortunately it seems to be getting worse. People were nicer in the 1990’s. Radiohead wrote better more sensitive songs then.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Ignored one, he probably can't confide in his friends because people usually feel uncomfortable when people cry or talk about negative things. So they act like it does not exist and belittle those that feel that way.

People are insensitive.

People were not always so insensitive. This is a fairly new development for the western world. But unfortunately it seems to be getting worse. People were nicer in the 1990’s. Radiohead wrote better more sensitive songs then.

How did they used to act?

 

[cumulus.james]

Ignored one, he probably can't confide in his friends because people usually feel uncomfortable when people cry or talk about negative things. So they act like it does not exist and belittle those that feel that way.

People are insensitive.

People were not always so insensitive. This is a fairly new development for the western world. But unfortunately it seems to be getting worse. People were nicer in the 1990’s. Radiohead wrote better more sensitive songs then.

How did they used to act?

There was no internet and TV was lame. People were intersted in people - they had to be. People would talk more n depth about things. Thats how I remeber it anyhow.

 

[insanelyloneley]

Ignored one, he probably can't confide in his friends because people usually feel uncomfortable when people cry or talk about negative things. So they act like it does not exist and belittle those that feel that way.

People are insensitive.

People were not always so insensitive. This is a fairly new development for the western world. But unfortunately it seems to be getting worse. People were nicer in the 1990’s. Radiohead wrote better more sensitive songs then.

How did they used to act?

SophiaGrace is absolutely right. I personally love to have deep, meaningful conversations, and rarely get the chance to do so in person. Showing any signs of unhappiness now will lead to dumbass motherfuckers calling you "emo" or making fun of you for it. I'm not sure why people started doing this, but it's really annoying. I've got no one to confide in and that's not a good thing.

It sounds like you need a life coach more than a therapist; you feel like you've wasted a lot of time. A life coach will help you get back in line, help you feel more in control of your life, and assist you getting things back together. As far as melting down, it happens to us all and that is completely acceptable; perhaps doing it somewhere at home might be best, though.

You mentioned friends; why can you not confide in them? Are they incapable of helping?

LOL, a life coach is an even bigger joke than a therapist. I already know what I want to do with my life, but I'm too depressed to care. I've had depression so bad that I just stare at the wall for hours instead of doing what I need to do.

At least therapists have studied human behavior and know people are complicated. Life coaches look at things too simply and expect honeysuckle to work for everyone because it worked for them -- people like this need to be smacked across the face.


I have the wonderful mix of being both depressed and having anger issues at the same time -- which leads to self destruction. No, I don't engage in any acts of self destruction, but sometimes I do want to feel pain. I want to inflict self-harm because I deserve to be punished for wasting my life for this long.

 

[Cathedral]

You've got friends. I don't have any that I meet face to face, and I only have a couple I interact with online sometimes.

I feel depressed and angry a lot as well. Life is such bullcrap.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Ignored one, he probably can't confide in his friends because people usually feel uncomfortable when people cry or talk about negative things. So they act like it does not exist and belittle those that feel that way.

People are insensitive.

People often are, but not everyone. I've had friends who I could confide many of my concerns with. If people are just calling you emo, well, then you clearly need better friends. Unfortunately, these days, it does seem to be a rather 'hip' thing to put down people who seem to be having problems because it makes you look like you're doing better.

It still isn't the case with everyone these days, though. I've always had people I could confide with, and I don't think it'll be impossible for me to find more.

LOL, a life coach is an even bigger joke than a therapist. I already know what I want to do with my life, but I'm too depressed to care. I've had depression so bad that I just stare at the wall for hours instead of doing what I need to do.

If you know exactly what you want to do with your life, then it should supply you with the passion that you require. A good life coach should also reallize that every person's goals and map is also different.

The point is, simply, if you want to get to where you want to go, or if you want to get over your present predicament, you could use help. We all can. Its tougher to go it alone, anger issues or not.

 

[Stride]

I guess I'm meant to be a sacrificial lamb for whatever reason. As humans we all have dreams of great success, but none of us realize some of us are destined to great failure.

In your posts you act like there are other forces at work that you believe are putting you through some gauntlet of tragedy. What do you mean you were "meant" to be a sacrificial lamb? Is someone telling you this? Why are some of us "destined" for failure?

You need to take some responsibility for your life instead of LOL'ing at and demeaning people on forums that are offering you advice in a post where you claim you don't have any answers. What's stopping you from being what you want to be? Your destiny? Grow up and actually put some effort into your life instead of staring at walls all day. That's not depression, that's laziness.

Instead of immediately dismissing some of the people's advice in favor of your own bias on here, why don't you follow it? Isn't what you're doing now not working? Get out of your shell and accept help...it's the only way you're going to get any better.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Example: a few days ago, me and my mom held a gradparty for my brother at the picnic area of a local lake. I was sitting with him and his friends and while we were sitting there, there was a guy (not with our party) that was standing on the edge of the lake tossing rocks into it, taking a break from a run he had been doing.

I turned to one of my brother's friend and asked who the boy by the lake was, and he said, "I don't know, he has been throwing rocks in there for the past quarter hour, he must be really sensitive." Then he smiled as though it was a joke, and my other brothers friends started laughing too.

I just sat there thinking how callous they were and considering going to say hello to the boy, but I didn't, and he left a short while after to finish his run.

 

[insanelyloneley]

I guess I'm meant to be a sacrificial lamb for whatever reason. As humans we all have dreams of great success, but none of us realize some of us are destined to great failure.

In your posts you act like there are other forces at work that you believe are putting you through some gauntlet of tragedy. What do you mean you were "meant" to be a sacrificial lamb? Is someone telling you this? Why are some of us "destined" for failure?

You need to take some responsibility for your life instead of LOL'ing at and demeaning people on forums that are offering you advice in a post where you claim you don't have any answers. What's stopping you from being what you want to be? Your destiny? Grow up and actually put some effort into your life instead of staring at walls all day. That's not depression, that's laziness.

Instead of immediately dismissing some of the people's advice in favor of your own bias on here, why don't you follow it? Isn't what you're doing now not working? Get out of your shell and accept help...it's the only way you're going to get any better.

The only way I can get motivated is when I have no other choice. It's in my nature to always take the easiest way. So until someone puts a gun to my head it's physically impossible for me to get anything done.
Being as lonely also means there isn't anyone willing to to give me the extra push.

I know it's easy for people to say "just do what you have to do," and for others to actually be that type of person, but not for me. I need the extra motivation, the extra pressure, but if it's not there I just don't care.

 

[IgnoredOne]

The only way I can get motivated is when I have no other choice. It's in my nature to always take the easiest way. So until someone puts a gun to my head it's physically impossible for me to get anything done.
Being as lonely also means there isn't anyone willing to to give me the extra push.

I know it's easy for people to say "just do what you have to do," and for others to actually be that type of person, but not for me. I need the extra motivation, the extra pressure, but if it's not there I just don't care.

Have you ever been diagnosed with, or considered yourself possibly at risk of ADD or ADHD?

 

[Yellow Eyes]

I foolishly wasted my life for at least 13 years, now at 26 years old I'm paying for it.

There's nothing going for me, and there never will be.


Today, I was with some friends, and I had to keep on telling myself "don't have a meltdown" because I know there's only so much more I can take. I've never really had a breakdown/meltdown/lost my mind/etc before -- always managed to keep myself together before I could. Well, I don't know how much longer I can do that for.


I should say more, probably go into more detail, but I just don't ******* care. I'm very close to giving up, very close -- one or two more things will be my breaking point.

Posting honeysuckle on this forum isn't helping one bit, and there's no one I can talk to in real life -- not sure if anyone would understand/care. I guess I'm meant to be a sacrificial lamb for whatever reason. As humans we all have dreams of great success, but none of us realize some of us are destined to great failure.

Im in the same situation as you are, exactly the same, tho i think im already on the verge of breaking down as i have recently found the joy of cutting myself. Like you also, i dont have friends to share what i am passionate about. Not even my family understands me. I have no one to talk to regarding these matters that are slowly killing me. Tho i am seeing someone, having a long distance relationship sucks. And he has priorities other than me and i dont want to bug him with my problems. My professor just emailed me saying that i failed the course... This really gets to me as i have never ever failed anything in my life, specially academically. Long story short, the reason why i failed my degree is because this isnt really for me. My dreams were cut short and since then i felt lost, dying inside, and no one seems to notice that i am in deep pain. If you ever wanna commit suicide, message me, at least we dont have to die alone.