i'm nothing

[jenn]

i am drunk so drunk. un believely drunk. so much so that i dobt this'll make sense. i got out of work and when to a party. the guy i was once involed with was there. i went on the porch and he was with some other people and said something about traveling. and i replied no don't go with him, he'll say he has messed you when he hasn't. i was refering to the fact we failed to havce sex but that he lied and told everyone we had been sleepin together see things began. he just replied that for all intents and purposes that he was an *******. but he might have been just sayiing it.

i walked a long way home alone no one even cared if something happened to me. i'm nothing. whatyever i 'm drunk i'm going to sleep. like i said i'm nothing anyway

 

[Bluey]

Mmm I make the most sense sometimes when am drunk.

well I think you should just go sleep it off But I did understand that this guy is an ass hole and not treating you very good.

You can do better I think

 

[Fodderboy]

hopefully you mangaged to get some sleep and feel better... That guy sounds pretty worthless, you deserve better, even if you don't think much of yourself... At least your out at parties meeting people and all that, it's a start. You'll find someone to walk home with you, even.. =0)

 

[Naleena]

(((((((((((((((((((Jenn)))))))))))))))))
I'm glad to see your back It is very apparent this guy has really hurt you deeply. You can't change what he has done. Your upset and mad, and understandabley so. I am concerned though that you walked home alone and drunk. I worked trauma care and there was a man who was 30 years old who had gotten drunk and stumbled into the street. A car ran over him and he is now in a vegetative state. He had his whole life ahead of him and now he has to depend on someone to clean him, feed him and take care of him. I don't want you to put yourself in danger and I sure don't want a young girl like you ending up like that guy on trauma care.

Your behavior is only hurting you, honey. It's self destructive. Your worth more than that and he isn't worth your endangering yourself. Any man who makes you cry isn't worth your tears. Have you thought about why this guy has such a strong hold on you? What's really going on inside of you, Jenn? Think about it. Only you know the answer to that. I will be happy to talk to you sometime. If you pm me your number and are in the US, I will call you if you would like or we could email each other. You are worthy of a loving relationship and you can find that. You have to be willing to let go of the past. Learn from it but, don't get stuck in it.

I've had my heart ripped out too. I know how much it can hurt and gnaw at your soul. It's like being in limbo. You get stuck in the pain and it keeps ripping at your insides. And all you want to know is why? Why? Why? The pain gets recycled, over and over until you learn to deal with it in a constructive manner. You will heal, it will get better if you are willing to do the inner work you need to heal. If you cover up your pain with alcohol, it will keep coming back. Alcohol only numbs you for a while. (((((((((((((((Jenn)))))))))))))))))))))
you are worthy of so much more than this guy has shown you. Don't settle for less than a man who will love you completely.

 

[grundel70]

i am drunk so drunk. un believely drunk. so much so that i dobt this'll make sense. i got out of work and when to a party. the guy i was once involed with was there. i went on the porch and he was with some other people and said something about traveling. and i replied no don't go with him, he'll say he has messed you when he hasn't. i was refering to the fact we failed to havce sex but that he lied and told everyone we had been sleepin together see things began. he just replied that for all intents and purposes that he was an *******. but he might have been just sayiing it.

i walked a long way home alone no one even cared if something happened to me. i'm nothing. whatyever i 'm drunk i'm going to sleep. like i said i'm nothing anyway

Although I doubt my words would be more comforting or eloquent as Naleena's, I hope this cheers you up.

I know what it is to think that you are nothing. Your heart and soul seem like an empty void, with nothing but space to be filled. I am glad you decided to share this with us, for now I know who you are, and that you exist. I can assure you that you are not nothing, but instead an integral part of all of us. Your pain does not need to burden only you...you may share it with us. Don't let it weigh you down any more than it already has.

 

[EveWasFramed]

i am drunk so drunk. un believely drunk. so much so that i dobt this'll make sense. i got out of work and when to a party. the guy i was once involed with was there. i went on the porch and he was with some other people and said something about traveling. and i replied no don't go with him, he'll say he has messed you when he hasn't. i was refering to the fact we failed to havce sex but that he lied and told everyone we had been sleepin together see things began. he just replied that for all intents and purposes that he was an *******. but he might have been just sayiing it.

i walked a long way home alone no one even cared if something happened to me. i'm nothing. whatyever i 'm drunk i'm going to sleep. like i said i'm nothing anyway

I think that Naleena and Grundel have pretty much said it all. At least he admitted he said he was an *******.
You have worth, Jenn! Never let anyone make you think that you don't!

 

[loketron]

awwwww = (
*bear hugs jenn*
someone like that isnt worth worring about. and dont talk badly about yourself because you know its wrong! your not nothing and someday someone will show you that! *gives jenn the puppy dog eyes*
hope your felling better today jenn

 

[Minus]

You are too something. I hope you realize that when you sober up. If not then i hope the realization eventually comes to you. It is pretty easy to feel that why when you are down.

 

[jenn]

thank you all for your kind words. but i feel guilty to say that even sober i still feel the same way about my self. despite the shitty comment i made to him, about him saying he slept with me when he actually hasn't, i still felt like if i was leaving the party alone, he would see that and walk me home. because i want to hope and believe that deep down he cares about me. instead he simply rolled his eyes and didn't even look at me as i walked away. i messed up with him so much. because at the very least i hoped we were friends or that maybe he cared about my well being but i guess he doesn't or not now with the way i've been acting. i'm so completely heartbroken and i only have myself to blame.

i guess one of my friends made a point of telling him i am really messed up about what has happened between the two of us. but i doubt he understands. sometimes i wish that he would apologizes to me. i know i've done more wrong than him but i wish he would say that he's sorry for fooling me, for saying and doing things that made me think he loved me. i know these are my fault more that his though. i misinterpreted things, i thought he was so respectful and sweet because he loved me. i thought he said things like "jenn you don't have to do things before you are ready. being with you right now is more than enough for me" or when we were about to have sex and he said "we really should wait, we are both too nervous and i know you aren't ready." i was dumb to believe that he loved or respected me. and when he was crying telling me things needed to end because i wanted a relationship and he wasn't ready for one, well i don't know. maybe he was only crying because his 'sure thing' ended up no working out. because we are both virgins and that he really didn't make the the first move with me, i kinda always assumed it would be awhile before i saw him with anyone new. i was wrong. i ran into him at the movie with another girl. i have been even more depressed since i saw them together. i mean i have no proof that they are fooling around or sleeping together or anything but i fear that they are. i was easily replaced and she is so much prettier that me.

the day before that party, i got a call around midnight from a boyfriend of a friend of mine. it was strange since i don't know him well or anything. the call was basically all about how great he thought i was. how that he thinks i'm beautiful and that i really deserve a great guy. how that he feels foolish that he never try to hook up with me or anything. sure it would have been great to hear this from someone except this is the boyfriend of a really good friend of mine and he was also drunk. i assume that the call was probably motivate by my friend telling him how depressed i have been over this guy. i hope so anyway, if not i feel terrible and i want to tell my friend what happened but i don't want to cause trouble. it was a one time thing when he was drunk and i think he was only trying to cheer me up. sadly it really doesn't. i have only be told that i was wonderful and beautiful by two people, the first didn't even mean it and now essential hates me even though i continue to be in love with him and the second is the drunk boyfriend of my friend who was probably only trying to cheer me up. it just makes me feel even shittier. no one has said those words to me and truly mean them.

despite how much he has hurt me and how much he hates me, i wish that guy was here right now. i wish he could tell me he's sorry. that he understands how hurt i am. and then i wish he could just hold me one last time. i know it won't happen. but i still think about it all the time.