I'm Thinking of Telling

[Jesse]

People who know me think I'm a very different person. Not different in the sense of I've changed. Different in the sense of not like most people. Well there's a little more to things. There's a little more to why I behave the way I do sometimes. I have post-traumatic stress disorder. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ptsd

I'm thinking of telling people about it to try and help them understand me better, but I'm scared. I wonder if people will be put off of me. It's not something I like to talk about

But it does significantly impair my ability to do things- normal things, like go out and talk to strangers. Maybe if I tell, people will be more understanding. I'm afraid though, but idk...

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Jesse...

I know alot of my post are long. I do mentioned that I had PTSD from time to time.
Recovery is possible.

You can seek professional help...Which I had to do.

I also attend support group meetings. You can try ACOA, AL-ANON, CODA, AA, NA.
A majority of people attending these 12 steps program lived through a living hell or
grew up in a dysfunctional home. There's mental, emotional, physical abused involved.
There's abandonment issues and all kinds of chaos.
In other word..they all suffered a vari degree of PTSD or SHellShock.

An average person that enters recovery is over 35-45 years old.
I got clean and sober at 22...becuase I couldn't do it anymore...I couldn't
run away from my pains and troubles anymore. I got tired of running and checking the fresia out.
No matter how much drugs, boozes, women, money I did...It never took away my pains.

I go to my meetings..I got sponsors...Poeple understands me. They lived it..They experince it first hands.
Sometime people have to hold me really tight when I break down into uncontrolable crying.

Most of the time when I do my 4th step(Taking and inventory of myself, my life), the pages
in my journal are filled with tears...

Working the 5th step...I bascailly share it with another human being. Everything...
Some really, really deep issues...

It's a begining of me learning how to trust and form a healthy realtionship with another human being.
It has nothing to do with sex...An intimate relationship has alot more to do with sex...I'm sure of it,
becuase I know. I'm not some freaken sex craze maniac that you think I am.

I love sherry very, very much. Unfortunately living with sherry at the last 5 years of our relationship was a fucken living hell.
She was rapped as a child and it messed her all up. All that honeysuckle came up and bit her in the ass when our children died.
She went out on a god **** drinking and gambling binge for 5 years to run away from all of the freaken bullshit. (PAINS)
She became a destructive force in the process cuasing more pains, taruma and dramma in our lives.

I remember making a chioce to start my recovery journey....It was the biggest decision I had to make in my life.
I was scared shitless....but I couldn't carry on anymore either. I was get ready to blow my fucken brains out.

I had to make that chioce..no one could had made that chioce for me.

I got my fucken head bashed in as a kid. My father is a fucken abusive alcoholic.
I write these things and share these out in the open to you....Sharing my experince , strength and hope.
That's it's okay to reach out to ask for help. It's okay to talk about it..

You have a chioce too...

 

[Jesse]

Thanks man. Are those support groups free? I can't afford professional treatment.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Yes...all the the 12 steps support groups are free.
Try all of them or what's avaliable in your area.

You can also try your local mental health department. Look into that.
That's what I had to do in my first year of recovery.
When I hitted bottom...it wasn't pretty. You don't have to dig a deep as hole like I did.

I saw a therapist 3 times a week and started attending my meetings.
It was free. I was actaully asked to not work for a year to focus on my recovery.
If I didn't do that...I was going freaken died and burn down the fucken town with me...
I was shitting money..that's why I was partying all the time.

I went on state disabilty insurance for 1 year. I paid for that already.
That money was taken out of my pay check. It was 40% of my regular income.

It's not about the money, women, ...etc

I had to get well..

I hope you get well too.

 

[Jesse]

I have gone to the hospital. In February I had a breakdown because I couldn't handle it anymore. Well they wanted me to take medication, but all the meds they wanted me to take would have cost me about 1000$ a month and there's no way I could afford that so I've not taken the meds. There's no way I could quit working either I wouldn't make it without my job.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I have gone to the hospital. In February I had a breakdown because I couldn't handle it anymore. Well they wanted me to take medication, but all the meds they wanted me to take would have cost me about 1000$ a month and there's no way I could afford that so I've not taken the meds. There's no way I could quit working either I wouldn't make it without my job.

Just reach out...Jesse.

Try talking to the pros or the local mental healthy department.
U don't have quite your job...lol
You'll get one or one...

But the 12 stepers are better and different in a way that...
I lived it and experinced it...it's not a myth or theory.
They understand you...understand you.
Been there ..done that..and holy honeysuckle that's mess up.

The 12 steps prgram are free. Call around and look for meeting
schdules....try al-anon , ACOA

When you go to AA or NA..it's definitely no meds...especailly
the self medication kinds...lol

 

[Jesse]

especailly the self medication kinds...lol

I'm thinking we might need more than 12 steps lol. Maybe like 100 steps. Baby steps. Thanks for sharing your story crow, and the information too.

 

[Estreen]

I think it might be a help. I tell people about my anxiety (which I think was starting to turn into PTSD) and they are accepting and I've yet to have a negative reaction or experience with telling someone about it. If anything, its made it easier if/when I'm going through an episode of it.

Like about 7 weeks ago I was having a major allergy reaction to something so I had to go to the ER, and I ended up having to get an IV inserted, and I had warned them about my anxiety...it helped because the nurse knew how to talk to me to ease me out of an attack. I actually had started to lose my hearing (the nurse said it was tunnel vision due to my anxiety) and she never once said or did anything judgmental or to make me feel weird.

So, if anything, I think it'd help you, not hurt you.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

I have post-traumatic stress disorder. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ptsd

I'm thinking of telling people about it to try and help them understand me better, but I'm scared. I wonder if people will be put off of me. It's not something I like to talk about

But it does significantly impair my ability to do things- normal things, like go out and talk to strangers. Maybe if I tell, people will be more understanding. I'm afraid though, but idk...

PTSD is debilitating,. ((((((Jesse))))))

I think that it's a good idea to let people know what's going on with you.. Now, I wouldn't walk around with a PTSD t-shirt or anything, but I think that people (friends, potential new friends) might be more supportive once they know.

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

But it does significantly impair my ability to do things- normal things, like go out and talk to strangers. Maybe if I tell, people will be more understanding. I'm afraid though, but idk...

doing 'normal' things like going out and talking to strangers is hard enough to do if you are so called 'healthy', without having to deal with other severe obstacles like PTSD on top of the general uneasiness of trying something new..

please dont feel like you 'should' be able to do these things right now.. take time to heal yourself first.. with whatever steps are necessary..

i have experienced physical abuse also, but i have a brother who went through similar experiences and we are very close.. so that has helped me to heal.. but the psychological abuse is the complicated stuff that is difficult to 'untangle' and guage the effect it has had on other aspects of my life..

i went through a period of sharing my experiences with people and i had mixed reactions.. i told people what had happened to me.i wanted to 'let it out' at some point but i didnt find that all people were entirely interested, for me it was quite good because i felt that at least i expressed it to the world and it was 'out there'.. not just 'inside me' like i was protecting someone else's evil doings...

now i still warn people sometimes of the nature of the narcisisstic/psychotic/sadistic personality type.. but if people havent experienced it they dont really understand.. and its kinda like talking about politics to an apolitical person..

in any case.. tell people only if you want to and try not to be too harsh on people that dont understand it, the people that care will at least TRY to understand.

take care of yourself.

 

[Jesse]

Thank you Estreen, p2p, Cheaptrickfan for your support. I have a positive attitude towards recovery.

 

[epileptic]

I have gone to the hospital. In February I had a breakdown because I couldn't handle it anymore. Well they wanted me to take medication, but all the meds they wanted me to take would have cost me about 1000$ a month and there's no way I could afford that so I've not taken the meds. There's no way I could quit working either I wouldn't make it without my job.

grow some st. john wort, go outside in the sun more. run around.

 

[Jesse]

I have gone to the hospital. In February I had a breakdown because I couldn't handle it anymore. Well they wanted me to take medication, but all the meds they wanted me to take would have cost me about 1000$ a month and there's no way I could afford that so I've not taken the meds. There's no way I could quit working either I wouldn't make it without my job.

grow some st. john wort, go outside in the sun more. run around.

Thank you for the advice!

 

[epileptic]

People who know me think I'm a very different person. Not different in the sense of I've changed. Different in the sense of not like most people. Well there's a little more to things. There's a little more to why I behave the way I do sometimes. I have post-traumatic stress disorder. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ptsd

I'm thinking of telling people about it to try and help them understand me better, but I'm scared. I wonder if people will be put off of me. It's not something I like to talk about

But it does significantly impair my ability to do things- normal things, like go out and talk to strangers. Maybe if I tell, people will be more understanding. I'm afraid though, but idk...

you are useing ptsd as a crutch. It is an irrelevant term created by doctors who work for the pharmaceutical companies, so they can make more pills to give to the easily distressed.

 

[Jesse]

People who know me think I'm a very different person. Not different in the sense of I've changed. Different in the sense of not like most people. Well there's a little more to things. There's a little more to why I behave the way I do sometimes. I have post-traumatic stress disorder. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ptsd

I'm thinking of telling people about it to try and help them understand me better, but I'm scared. I wonder if people will be put off of me. It's not something I like to talk about

But it does significantly impair my ability to do things- normal things, like go out and talk to strangers. Maybe if I tell, people will be more understanding. I'm afraid though, but idk...

you are useing ptsd as a crutch.

What do you mean?

It is an irrelevant term created by doctors who work for the pharmaceutical companies, so they can make more pills to give to the easily distressed.

I'm not sure. I think there are doctors who really care about their patients and want to give them the best treatment they believe is available. My doctor seemed to care, maybe he didn't really. As far as pills though, I'm not taking any.

 

[Minus]

you are useing ptsd as a crutch. It is an irrelevant term created by doctors who work for the pharmaceutical companies, so they can make more pills to give to the easily distressed.

PTSD is very real and existed long before the label did. It may be over used for conditions that don't really qualify as PTSD but the condition it's self is very real.

 

[Naleena]

Thats a hard one, Jessie. I'd probabley tell the people who I trust and that care about me if anyone

 

[NeverMore]

PTSD is very real and existed long before the label did. It may be over used for conditions that don't really qualify as PTSD but the condition it's self is very real.

very true, my grandfather, who I never knew and was only told about had ptsd before such a term existed and it was agonizing, people thought regularly he was going insane and it adversely affected those around him including his immediate family because they were scared and didn't know what to do. Later in his life he became a successful lawyer, ptsd doesn't have to hold you back, even if it feels like it will,good luck!

 

[cheaptrickfan]

you are useing ptsd as a crutch. It is an irrelevant term created by doctors who work for the pharmaceutical companies, so they can make more pills to give to the easily distressed.

The APA disagrees with your assessment and PTSD is included in the DSM-IV.

I can only conclude from your post that you think that people suffering from PTSD are "easily distressed" and that psychiatrists who are in cahoots with Big Pharma are just in it to dope people up?

You're very dismissive of a wide swath of professionals who are trying to heal.

 

[Jesse]

Thats a hard one, Jessie. I'd probabley tell the people who I trust and that care about me if anyone

I just recently told my best friend about it. He was pretty understanding. He said he had noticed some things before, but never thought much about it. For example he noticed that I look at my surroundings quite a bit. I think that's part of hypervigilance (a symptom of ptsd). Symptoms of hypervigilance-

"People suffering from hypervigilance may become preoccupied with studying their environment for possible threats, causing them to lose connections with their family and friends. They will often have a difficult time getting to sleep or staying asleep" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypervigilance

This is one of my biggest stressors. I've had trouble sleeping for as long as I can remember. That in itself has been enough to make me feel like I'm going crazy. When i do sleep I often have nightmares about my stepdad who I think is the biggest cause of things.. I used to dream he was after me and such things like that, but now I always dream that I'm beating him up. I have these dreams at least once a week, but sometimes as often as several nights in a row. I think this is anger starting to come out, which hopefully is a sign of recovery. I hope I can recover fully from the dreams because when I fight him I sometimes punch things in my sleep. I've cut and bruised my hands and even broke a piece of the headboard of the bed.

So one of my biggest fears of telling someone, would be telling a possible love interest. How would they react if they found out I sometimes punch things in my sleep because of nightmares? That and of course I wouldnt want to hit anyone in my sleep

I have flashbacks sometimes and when that happens I might stare off into space for a minute or so. My friend noticed that too. Lonesome Crow was telling me about some groups I could go to and I'm definately considering that. I have to get better. I want my life- I want to do things. I don't want to be scared of strange places or unfamiliar people.