In Long-Term Relationship - Should I stay or go?

[Astral_Punisher]

Newbie here, first thread, be nice .

Been in a long term relationship for 6 years - I'm now 26, and male.

My girlfriend and I have lived together for most of our relationship, but currently, we are in different locations as I study to enter the trades (good work, good pay - can support a family, etc.). It is during this period that I have thought about how I don't really miss her (or anyone for that matter).

I have often felt like I have little in common with her, although she is generally nice to me, and is popular with others in her social circle. She is a generally good person.

We hardly do anything together, as we share very few common interests. She also seems to have a very short attention span whenever I start to talk. I tend to read books, and listen to her much of the time.

Please note that I have never, ever really felt attached to anyone, not family, not friends. I wouldn't call anyone I know 'friends' of mine, and even in the forced social interaction groups that I put myself into to reduce my ineptitude with others, I really don't care about any of them.
The only people I've shed tears for is my cat.
So, I guess you could say I do not 'love' my girlfriend, at least in the way I suppose most people measure 'love'.

We do have sex - it is satisfying, but really, I feel hollow about the entire thing. I wish I could simply shut off that part of myself, so I didn't need the release at all. That would be awesome. *sigh*

What should I do?
1. Should I stay with her, in this numbness, and share with her the same numbness I feel with everyone around me? This means getting married, kids, house with picket fence. She has informed me that this arrangement would satisfy her wants, and make her happy.

2. Should I leave her, allowing me to find someone that warms the cackles of my heart (if at all possible), and allowing her to find someone that truly loves her in the traditional sense?

3. Should I just suck it up, and try to dig deep, and find some reason to stay with her, even though I find her unsatisfactory in nearly every non-sexual way? Should I force myself to 'love' her?

P.S. - I do realize that my numbness is a huge issue, and mine alone (not her problem). But I have no idea what to do. I've always been a very cold person. And really, do I want to start caring about people now? It seems like a lot of people are stressed and emotionally compromised by such feelings.

P.P.S. - The entire reason of this thread is because I have read so much of other members, and how they seem to have such happiness. I guess I am jealous.

Thank you for looking at my thread.

 

[Tiina63]

You are the only one who can decide whether or not to stay in your relationship.
I can only say that, in your place, I would probably end it. You can't force yourself to love anyone-life would be so much easier if we could. Although at times I have wondered whether marriage without love would be better than nothing, I know that in my heart of hearts I would hate it, and would come-however unfair anbd odd this may sound-to resent the other person for the fact that I didn't love them but was sharing my life with them. Also, the woman you are with deserves to be with someone who adores her and who thinks the world of her, and not someone who is going through the motions. (I don't mean this as a criticism as I can understand where you are coming from.)
Sometimes I feel numb as well and feel that I am not really close to anyone. I do care about others, though maybe not to the extent I wished I did. When your own needs are not being met, it can be hard to give a lot to others.

 

[Astral_Punisher]

Thank you for your insight .
I'll look into breaking it off in the near future.

Part of me feels like it will be a loss, but really, all I'm losing is the sex.
Even now, I don't even feel sad for the loss of that.
That seems very wrong to me.

*shrugs*

 

[VanillaCreme]

I completely understand how you feel, Astral. That Should-I-Stay, Should-I-Go thing playing in your head over and over. Honestly, for me, the simple fact that she seems to have short attention with you when you start talking to her, would be enough for me personally to begin to decide to leave. I can tolerate most anything, and I credit myself for being a very patient person... But if it's one thing - one thing - I just cannot stand, is when I start talking to someone and they can't give me the decency to pay attention. I don't do that to people, so I would appreciate it not being done to me. If someone can't pay me any mind during a conversation, then they don't need to talk to me.

However, I know there are some qualities worth fighting for, if only the fact that you love her is the only one. With my ex, that was the only reason I had. But after a while, that dwindled down as well, because I was not getting my love in return.

 

[Astral_Punisher]

@ Tiina63, VanillaCreme

Thank you for your advice - I was up most of the night, laying in bed, feeling pretty awful. I couldn't even get to sleep until around 5:30AM this morning.

I will likely wait until my schooling is finished, and I can get steady work, and am able to move into my own place (staying with a friend for the next 7 months until my schooling is completed).

Then, I'll feel secure enough to break it off.

Add to that that my girlfriend recently had an accident that has her in bed, unable to do much of anything by herself - I don't think it's fair to her that I leave in her time of need, as I do drive over there every day or so to bring her supplies and medications she needs (I am numb, not heartless).

What do you think?

 

[Polar]

You should question yourself whether you want a relationship at all. Judging from your post I'm thinking there might not really be anyone out there that'll warm your heart.

Unless the girl looks the same way towards what you two are having, I must say she probably deserves better. If you've had these feelings (or the lack of) for a long time, you should've broken up with her ages ago. Not that I'm judging, because I recognize your lack of empathy and understand the complexity of the situation, but I do feel sorry for the girl.

If you do something I'd definitely wait with it until she is feeling better. But waiting another 7 months, no, that's just not fair to her. Don't wait until it's convenient for you to end it. You owe that much at the very least.
Finally, although I'm generally an honest person; I truly believe that you'll both be better of when you lie to her should you break up and she asks you why. It's already tough finding out when someone has lost their feelings for you. I can't imagine how it would be to find out there never were 'genuine' feelings to begin with during 6 years of relationship. That would just be devastating, destroy this girl's self esteem and will probably make it a lot harder for her to try a relationship with someone new.

Good luck

 

[nerdygirl]

It sounds as though you have something similar to my disorder. I think the best thing is to be honest. I always try to make sure people are aware that I may be fond of them, but it's possible I will never love them. It's important for somebody who is looking for that to be aware of the situation.

 

[frey12]

Dear Astral,

I commend your critical thought about your situation and realization that you do not "love" her. It would be easy to to keep things with her and do what you are "suppose to do" according to society. I think you already know the answer to the should i stay or should I go question. You were just seeking some validation from someone who isn't blinded by subjectively knowing you and her.

So first and foremost i encourage you to break it off with her. It be disservice to you both if you stayed together and 20 years down the line are bitter because you didn't spend your lives together how you wanted.

Second explore yourself and possibilities. Do not let the world FORCE you into house/wife/kids. The American Dream is dead and has been for a long time we all need to define what our lives should be not what society tells us it should be.

Third the feeling of numbness is not always there as you cared about your cat. Don't see it as a hindurance just an aspect of yourself that is what I do with my numbness. I went from caring about 0 to like 3 people last year and it wasn't easy. I never feel honeysuckle except for rage and nothing normally. If you haven't felt yourself caring about other people there is a good reason for that, and it is probably that people are not close to you? I am shooting in the dark with that last statement. Anyway definitely try to do some self reflection, and after you finish trade school maybe hit up college for the sake of going to college not not to increase your income, but increasing your outlook on life on a whole.

 

[Astral_Punisher]

@ Polar, nerdygirl, and frey12

Thank you for your replies - I believe you are all right.

It's not fair to wait for 'me' to be in a good stable position to break it off - it should be when it is best for her. I should wait until she is physically better, able to work, and able to take care of herself.
Right now, the only other person helping her is her mom, and unfortunately, her mom is quite irresponsible.

I would 'like' to have friends, family, and a place to call 'home' - and I am working towards being able to support such a structure in my life. That is, I am working towards having stable, good paying work, and saving and investing conservatively and wisely. I do not 'blow' my money on toys, but I take care of what I would call the necessities:
1. good, healthy food;
2. staying fit, healthy, and groomed;
3. new, clean, decent-priced clothes;
4. regular maintenance of my 'wearing' possessions (vehicle, properties, etc.);
5. inexpensive, creative hobbies

I believe that with these attributes, finding a compatible mate wouldn't be too hard - It seems that the vast majority of men are quite foolish when they interact with women.
I believe I have a very good chance to 'create' a new family that I actually care about.

What do you think ?

 

[MadMonkè]

Bro... I had the same feeling as you did once...

Its understandable... you've lived together for so long... And its easy to see why. its one of those catch 22s in a relationship.

If you dont live together, how will you know if you will love that person? and if you do live together...well... you know how that feels like.

I have 2 questions.
Did you ever love her? - I mean... with passion and fire....
How did you start off being together?

---

but getting back to relating to you...

I was young... and the brink of something new and exciting... and felt pretty confident about myself and my future.
at the same time, my relationship was getting old.... been together for 10years. I knew everything about her... and her I... at a point where we lost things to talk about cuz... whatever it was, chances were, we already talked about it....

I knew she was in love with me. But I wasn't so sure about my own feelings... how would I know if I never experienced anything new? how could I grow if I were stuck in this bubble for the rest of my life?

So with that logic, I broke her heart.... and just like that, our worlds changed. our destiny shifted paths. and nothing was really ever the same...

what I'm saying is... the world is a scary place sometimes. play your cards right and you can win the jackpot... but lose a couple hands and you could find yourself relying on support that is no longer there.

 

[Astral_Punisher]

@ MadMonke

Ok, so I met her around 7 years ago - I was working, and we were in the same 'area' of the workplace. I was interested in her, but I was with someone else at the time - I was upfront, and she knew - I didn't not 'lead her on' that I was single.

1 year laterish, I left the person I was with, and then came back from out of town, having finished my job out there.
I did not come back with the intention of being with my current girlfriend. It just sort of happened.

I think the fast timeline (out of one relationship, and into another in less then a month) qualifies as a rebound.

I felt very passionate with her - but it was always physical, never mental. She is quite physically pretty, don't get me wrong.
The unfortunate truth is that I feel that nearly everyone I meet is not on the same level as me in the mental department. They simply don't satisfy my mind as they do my body, and my girlfriend is unfortunately part of this group. I realize this sounds very pompous and martyr-like, but I feel that that is the truth.

So, I was physically attracted, so I started dating her, and 1 year later, moved in with her. The sex slowed down and down; like a married couple does I'm suppose.
It was once every day or so, then every 2-3 days, then once a week, and now-a-days (not counting her accident that makes her unable [and I don't want to have sex with her in this condition - she's in too much pain]), once usually for 2-3 weeks at a time.

I guess the lack of sex is making me realize how much I just don't care about any of it anymore. The 'glue' that kept me wanting her isn't there anymore, thus I am numbed by the whole thing.

So, I never really 'loved' her, not in the traditional sense. Then again, I don't feel that for any one (save my cat).

It's strange, but I really appreciate you're questions - even just typing this out is helping me. Thank you for your questions.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Its really hard to say everyone is different.
I love Chloe very much and Im totally in love with her.
No other women had gave me goose bumbs.
Being disconnected as I was. My heart explodes when I'm with her.
It's all very intense with her.
I can totally loose myself in her fast. Get dysfuntional or loose focus in
other areas of my life.
But our lives is very extreems. Our relationship is very extreem.
When I'm happy...I'm totally happy with her. When it's a train wreack. it's a total wipe out.
Chloe totally turns me on. Not just sexually..other stuff about her.
At the sametime. There's always that negative honeysuckle that continue to haunt our lives.
It totally turns me off or hurts me really, really bad.
Chloe can love me more than I can ever imagine.
At the sametime...no one else had hurted me more.
Like I say...its to the extreem on both ends of the spectrum.

On the other hand. I lived with Jennifer for a little while...
A very pretty and nice girl she was. Yet I felt no connection with her
or not that passion for life with her. I wouldnt loose myself in her.
At the sametime...I sure as hell didnt go out of my way to make romance with Jennifer
nor put 100 % effort in that relationship.

Ill go to hell and back for Chloe.

Just my experince.
No one can make my decisions for me...nor for you.

At the end of the day...I'm having to find myself and be OK with me.
For better or for worst...Chloe got me to FEEL again.
Navgating through my emotions hasnt been easy.

 

[Astral_Punisher]

@ Lonesone Crow

Is my GF a chloe?

As per your description, I believe that she was to me, but that was some time ago now...

We have had hot and cold times, but at this point, I just feel numb.

She is a good girl - a nice girl, as so many people tell me. But I can't seem to relate to her, find her interesting or mentally stimulating.
I realize this is primarily my issue, not her's, but it is an obstacle between us.

I really appreciate you telling me a little about your relationship with your lady, and how it isn't always smooth sailing, and how it doesn't have to be to still be a 'good' relationship.

I have essentially decided that in the near future, when it is best for her, I will break it off. She's the kind of person that is pretty oblivious to everything around her; it will be likely she won't be expecting it at all.
In this case, it's the whole 'not paying attention' thing that she does whenever I start to talk to her.

I don't know that I want an 'extreme' relationship - just perhaps one where I can be myself, and enjoy the company of my partner.
That currently does not occur, so I see it as a problem.

I don't believe my current girlfriend has the capacity to change (as I have voiced my concerns in many different ways and fashions to no avail), so the next possible solution is looking somewhere else for what I need, like it seems so many people that break up with others do.

Is it too much to ask that my significant other possess the mental tenacity to hold their own in an adult conversation for more then a few brief moments?

I really feel like I'm asking for the world when I wonder this ^.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Chloe would be my signicient.

There's a lot of good qualities she has.
And there's lots of really not so good traits she has.

It was too much for me to ask a grown woman to grow the fresia up.
I do believe I was asking for the world, our livelihood, relationship, or children...ect
I'm not too picky when it comes to conversations.
Chloe and I dont have communication problems.
There's certain things in our lives that plays havic.
I can only tolerate so much of it. Our relationship can only tolerate so much.

Wheather I'm single or in relationship.
My happiness depends on me.

I cant change Chloe nor anyone else.
I can only change me.

It comes back to this basic.
The serenity prayer...the principle of it.

Of course...there's conflicts within me.
Somedays I have no serenity at all.

 

[SophiaGrace]

[youtube]LZk_HnE-cdU[/youtube]

Title of your thread made me think of this.

 

[Okiedokes]

lol @ song. Sorry... anyways..

Yeah... if you guys can't connect on an intellectual level...what really do you have? It's sad to come to terms with this after so long but at least you did before you got married. Did you say she's bed ridden right now? hmm.... yeah I hope that you wait a bit to tell her because that is probably going to hurt her. Do you think she loves you? I guess it wouldn't be fair for either of you to continue I suppose. But please...talk with her about this when you feel she might be ready, cause 6 years is still a long time. She might not listen to you now, but she probably will when this topic is out in the open.

 

[Astral_Punisher]

@Okiedokes

I definitely agree that I don't want to talk to her about it right now - she is in too much physical pain. She lashes out often because of that, and I don't want to add any more pain to her current load (for both our sakes).

I'm very sure she has 'love' me, but I believe that it's more an 'infatuated interest' then love. I'm her first long-term relationship - her first serious relationship. I don't think she is tuned into what real 'love' is comprised of.

I guess I should add that her father was never a part of her life, and she was raised by her mom and her mom's father (my GF's grandfather). Thus, she didn't get to experience first-hand how a couple 'keeps it together'. All the little things, the listening, the compassion, and the compromise. It just isn't 'in her'.

Also, I don't know if threatening a breakup is the best way to get her to listen; it just feel like a last-ditch attempt to salvage a sinking ship.

And really, do I want to have to threaten breakup to make her act like an adult?
Feels like I'm right back in high-school .

Thank you all again for your replies - I'm getting more and more confident in my decision the more I type about it. Thank you.

---

@ Lonesome Crow

I have to admit, I'm somewhat confused:
Are you currently with Chloe as a significant other?
Even when you ask her to grow up, she does not?
Please don't take this the wrong way, but it seems like you are not satisfied with Chloe.

It sounds eerily similar to my current situation, and in that case, why do you stay with Chloe?
You can not change her, as per your own admissions; Why not find someone better suited to your needs?
Because from what you have shared, the relationship sounds both very good at times, and very bad at times.

Is there something special about her that makes you stay?

Thank you for sharing your thoughts - I look forward to hearing back from you .

---

@ Sophiagrace

lol - I wish it was so easy to just listen to that song, then make the choice.

Is life every that nice and simple?

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Sounds like your typical American relationship/marriage. It is not good but not bad. I say if you think you can do better leave. Hell I say cheat on her and see if she actually cares. However, it sounds like you are in a comfortable situation. That is all most people hope for.