Is a close, honest relationship possible for me?

[Ashariel]

I'm trying to set realistic goals for myself moving forward, and would appreciate any feedback or insight on this...

Basically, my deal is that I'm an incredibly kind, caring, loving person, but I have Bipolar Disorder and Asperger's Syndrome - which means that I'm quirky and reclusive, I don't feel comfortable in group situations, and even with the best therapy and medication, I will sometimes struggle with extreme depression.

I've come to accept that a romantic relationship is probably not right for me (since I don't like being touched physically). But I would like to have meaningful platonic friendships - and this is where I'm having trouble.

Even with my own family, I can't have a completely honest relationship, and I have to shield them from the reality of my screwed-up feelings. My parents want to be there for me, but these are issues that even trained psychological experts haven't been able to help me very much with; so family and friends just feel helpless and don't know what to do, or say.

So it creates this distance in all of my relationships, and I have to constantly shield people from my true feelings. In a way, I can't have an honest relationship with anyone - aside from a professional therapist, who gets paid to listen to my problems.

I don't know. I feel a yearning to have friends, and not be completely alone, and isolated. And yet, logic tells me that it simply can't work. Or at best, it will only work if I lie about who I am, and pretend to be a 'normal' person, with 'normal' problems.

And yeah I can pretend, to some extent. But if it's just a lie... I don't really get anything out of that. Except a feeling that I'm a really good actress, and that perhaps I've made myself useful, and brightened someone else's day. But underneath is the sad acknowledgement that if my 'friends' ever knew how severely screwed up I am, they wouldn't like me any more.

So I'm struggling with that right now. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

 

[ajdass1]

It's hard for me to say since I don't know what your 'screwed-up' thoughts and feelings actually are. Even supposedly normal people can be pretty screwed up sometimes. I don't know what it's like to be friends with someone with Asperger's.

However it is a humbling thing to be taken into someone's confidence like that, no matter how screwed up their thoughts are. If you can find someone who is willing to *be* helpless and not know how to respond, but is happy to listen to you regardless and give you their support and be non-judgemental about it - I think such people do exist on the planet. And of course you don't need to be pouring these thoughts out all the time (not even supposedly 'normal' people can handle doing this with each other)

Is there anyone in your life you think would be happy to do this?

 

[LoneKiller]

Hi Ashariel.

You must be some frustrated.

I'll let you in on a little secret. Everyone on Earth is "Screwed-Up" in their own way. They just don't want anyone else to know. In this situation, you have to be honest with yourself and others, however reluctant you may be to share your true feelings.

You are struggling mentally right now. That doesn't make you any less of a person. It just means that you are ill is all. Any jerk-offs who disassociate themselves from you because of your illness, are closed minded ********. True friends will have concern.

It is imperative that you be yourself in life. If you change who you truly are to make friends, you will constantly have to be a "In-Character" like an actress for the rest of your life so nobody will think you are full of honeysuckle. I don't know anyone who can pull that off. People as they get to know you better will find flaws in your "Act" and will lose all respect for you.

Be yourself. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Once you do this, others will be drawn to you. You have created this thread and have revealed aspects of your illness with us. Myself, I respect your courage and strength in coming here in search of solace.

It's a great start. Stick with it, and it will eventually, lead to a beautiful finish.

 

[IambicBlonde]

I feel for you, Ash. You're in a frustratingly difficult, lonely situation. And described almost word for word my own. I faked my way through high school, putting on a social mask, which made me appear normal to others. But it was exhausting. Once I graduated and no longer forced to be around others I withdrew completely. I'm 35 now and the circumstances haven't changed. I don't wish that for you. All I can think to say (without uttering platitudes) is to use your support system - your family, friends and therapist - the best you know how and try, as hard as it might, to remain positive. You've been dealt a very tough hand and you've made it this far. You're a strong person for having done so. Keep being strong and perhaps someone will drift into your sightline and enter your life. Also, asking for help can be embarrassing, but if you ever get really down, reach out to someone. As much as we think we know about what we want and what is possible, we don't always. If you see a small window of opportunity, or glimpse the possibility in someone, take the chance. Easy for me to say though.

If you don't mind me asking, is your desire for a platonic friendship pragmatic or idealistic? Meaning, are you choosing that because it's the most realistic expectation given your situation, or do you truly, under no circumstances, not wish to seek physical intimacy of any kind? Be it holding hands, touching, kissing or sex. A person like that may be difficult to find. Though not unheard of. Also, if you don't mind me prying, what outlet do you use to express those true feelings you keep to yourself? Does talking on these forums help. Do you write, paint, play music or anything else expressive. Do you use some other method.

The last thing I'll suggest is to try being your true, unguarded self around at least one person. With the friends you already have that might be difficult, as you know. Once we establish who we are with people (even if it's a front) it can be awkward trying to "out" one's true self to them. So if you do meet new people, take a chance on someone by being your actual you, blemishes and all, despite however unappealing it may appear. Your perceived self might be worse in your head than in another's eye. And even if they don't offer that "connection" you wish to find, it still might feel a relief not having to pretend around another person. And who knows what could happen from there.

 

[Ashariel]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate your thoughtful responses!

I think my biggest problem with friendships has been that I've felt I have two options:

(a) I shield the other person from my problems, and so I support them, more than they support me. It's a one-sided friendship, because I'm just keeping quiet about my own issues. Thus, it's not really very fulfilling to me. Or...

(b) I'm honest about my problems... In which case the friendship becomes one-sided in the other direction, and I'm a burden on them. Because I have WAY more problems than the other person does. And I don't like that scenario either!

And even people who want to be sympathetic (like my parents) end up just feeling helpless, and not knowing how to deal with my issues. (Which I can't mention specifically because it's against the TOS here... Let's just say I have no wishes to harm another person... Read between the lines on that...!)

So anyway, yeah, it's hard to find friends who are willing to befriend someone who has problems more serious than "what color nail polish looks best on me?" And even the ones who try valiantly, often hit the point where they just can't deal any more. I've been told to "get over" my problems... But the thing is, I will never "get over" having bipolar disorder and Asperger's. These are lifelong mental conditions that I will always have. So people get frustrated with the reality that I have to live with every day, and just abandon ship.

Most recently it was my own husband, after 14 years of marriage. So I'm finding myself suddenly alone in the world, with no close relationships... And realizing that I truly would like to have some friends, and not spend the rest of my life in total isolation.

No, I don't want another sexual relationship, or even a romantic one. I truly am asexual, which was the main reason my marriage failed. I honestly don't ever want sex again, and as an Aspie I don't like to be touched. Have always hated kissing. So in a way I'm grateful that my 'needs' are actually quite simple, and all I really want is to have friends on a platonic emotional level, from now on.

And already I'm feeling a lot more optimistic about it. You guys are awesome, and I hope to get to know you all better here on the forums... I'm very glad I joined! And in the meantime, just this evening I emailed my ex, and told him that I still feel this need for close platonic friendship, and asked if he wanted to have that with me... And he said yes, that he always wanted us to be "BFF's", and that he cherishes our friendship, even though I have a lot of issues that made the marriage unhappy for him. So I'm grateful to at least have one good friend for sure!

Plus my parents have been super nice to me, since our separation. We've had our conflicts in the past, but when my marriage ended they really stepped up to the plate, and have done their best to be on 'my side' rather than try to be the mean old strict monsters they've been in the past... (Haha!) So I'm very grateful for that as well.

Good lord I've written a novel here, so I will shut up for now... But I do appreciate the replies very much, and I'm grateful to have found you guys on here!

 

[hopsfox]

I'll read your novel any day and listen to you (I have skype f.ex) If you like or write. (I have a friendship with a young man who has Asbergers and he doesn't like to be touched. We work together and I think we have mutual respect and fun times.)

 

[Ashariel]

Thank you hopsfox! I don't do skype but I'm really happy to have found you nice people on this forum - and I enjoy PMs too, in case anyone wants to chat that way!