Is it me?

[Minty]

I'm feeling particularly down at the moment. I don't seem to get these moments as much as I used to but they still come and go. Just one tiny little thing knocks the happiness out of me.

The situation is that I went out last Saturday with my brother and sister and the first thing I do is automatically is think of my friend - who I consider to be my best friend here - and text her to invite her out. We meet up and we have a good time but then she mentions that she had a 'brilliant weekend' last weekend because a mutual friend of ours who had moved abroad had come back for the weekend and they had this amazing night out. My first thought is 'oh, thanks for inviting me'. But I don't say it because I don't want to sound petty. But, it did upset me and it makes me analyze our friendship. This isn't the first, or even second time this has happened. I realise that in the six years we've known each other - we both moved to the Country I am in around the same time and didn't know anyone, so became friends at that time - I always, ALWAYS call her or text her to invite her out or suggest that we do something Friday/Saturday night but never, not one single time has she ever done the same. If I don't make contact, I don't go out because she'll never call/text. I'll find out afterwards when she tells me what a great time she's had.

I don't expect her to hang out with me 100%, I'm not some weird clingy friend that demands attention or am jealous of her other friends or anything but it just seems to me that she'll hang out with me (and we always have fun nights out) only if she hasn't got anything better to do. She will readily cancel on me if she got invited somewhere else. And has done many times. Even as late as me being dressed up, ready to go and she'll cancel because so-and-so has just invited her to such-and-such a place.

The problem is that I am really bad at making connections with people. In the place I live, I have her and one other person that I don't see very much at all because of work commitments on her part and I myself have no colleagues as I work remotely and all my colleagues are based in other Countries.

I don't know if I am being pathetic or stupid or being way too sensitive but she knows my situation and I am the first person she calls when she has a personal problem or a break up.

The worse thing is, I am on a trip next week to visit family in Ireland and SOMEHOW she has managed to wangle her way in and has booked a flight and is coming with me. I seriously have no idea how that happened but I really don't want her to come. The flight and other travel costs quite a bit so I can't really tell her that I don't want her to come as she'd lose all the money she's paid out. It's like she has to be part of everything I do and manages it but she actively excludes me.

I had a friend years ago that did the same thing and I am starting to think that these are the kinds of people that I attract. I can't seem to make friends with people that just want to have a laugh and have empathy and respect.

I just want to curl up under my bed covers for a week and not see another person and feel sorry for myself.

 

[Despicable Me]

Well, I don't know the whole story, but I don't think it's worth getting upset over just yet.
Some people are just like that. Maybe she feels that when she's invited out elsewhere it would be too intrusive to invite you along, since it was someone else who invited her. She's probably someone who never does any inviting, I'd bet. Her other friends may feel the same way when she tells stories about how she went somewhere with you.

Try to see her side of the story. Find out what is going on.

Try opening up to her. Tell her how you feel. Not in the "I'm really upset/angry at you" sort of way, but just maybe mention to her that you 'wouldn't mind going along with her other friends next time', or something along those lines. Maybe ask her (in a way that doesn't sound needy or upset) why she doesn't ever invite you along.
Maybe she's just never realized it before herself. A good chat about it might help her to do that and think about her actions more.

And if she really is unempathetic/disrespectful as you imply at the end of your post? At least you'll then know her reasons and what she is really like, so that you can go out and find some people who might be better friends.

 

[LonesomeDay]

Hi.

I read your post with sadness.

I don't think it's you - I just don't think you're that important to her, and I'm sorry that you regard her as your best friend. Her behaviour (abandoning you socially at the last minute) seems very disrespectful to me.

How would you feel not making any further plans to meet up with her? It might open up some other possibilities for you if you didn't depend on her for meet-ups. Having said that, it will be a very lonely time for you until you meet someone mutually dependable.

You bio says you live in Malta - are there any interest groups you could join? The Med. is a beautiful place - I wish I could be there. I wish you well.

 

[Tiina63]

I think it is probably too late for you to tell her that you want to go to Ireland on your own now that she has booked the flight. Will you be staying with family when you go to Ireland or in a hotel? If you are staying with family, you could tell her that they don't have room for another person (even if they do) and so you will give her some websites or brochures containing info on some nice hotels. You could also say that you would like some time on your own to catch up with family and old friends when you are there and suggest a couple of interesting day excursions she could take on her own at these times. Then you could spend just some of your time with her. And next time don't mention you are going away to her.
It is hard to deal with people who somehow manage to wangle their way into things you wish they wouldn't. I have a friend who always wants to meet anyone I invite to stay with me, but she never invites me when she has guests. It can be tricky to slip out of it without giving offence. Now I just say to her that I like to be private when someone comes, just as she is with her own guests.

 

[ABrokenMan]

So sorry, Minty. I used to have a friend just like the person you described.

I had to jettison her (yes, my best friend was not a guy, but a girl, for you doubting Thomas types who believe one cannot be best friends with a member of the opposite sex). We were very close without any physical attraction to one another. I"d tell guys who kept pressing if I ever "banged her" that she was the little sister I never had. I could never think of her in any other way.

Minty, it seems as if your situation had developed early on, perhaps unknowingly in your eyes - your best friend is the taker in your relationship, while you are the giver, forgiver, etc.

My best friend always said that I was the most important person in her life - like her big brother, since I was older. She'd always come to me for advice, to talk...however if I wanted us to hang out, I always had to work around her schedule, even if it included my visiting while she was with her own friends. She had moved away (out of state) a few years after we bonded, so seeing one another was always a priority in spoken word, but as time went on, it rarely was validated by action - and not because of me.

I ended things after I had been going through a really tough time emotionally. i told her I needed time to sort thru things before being able to explain everything. She pressed me for details, but eventually understood. When the time came for me to talk about what had made things difficult, before I could even finish my recount of the event, I was scolded, judged and hung up on during on phone call because she was too busy to deal with something that I should have seen "coming". In her angered, coarse, direct words , it was all my fault. Blame, then, was not the point of the issue.

I was stunned. i just wanted someone to listen and to offer some compassion at that juncture, and not pass judgement, blame or her personal opinion, unless i asked. I always listened to her problems, stories, etc and never judged her or once offered advice unless she asked me to be honest. I really needed a virtual hug, so to speak. Instead, I received a virtual ignore / brush off.

It was then I realized that I was the one putting more into the friendship than she had been doing. It evolved this way, over time. I feel any partnership should be an unspoken 50 / 50 involvement, or as close to that percentage as possible. She failed me at my most trying time, and that is unforgivable in my world. A nearly 15 year friendship is now a memory. we have not spoken for over a year now.

Minty, I hope you can see that your friend is a bit self-centered / absorbed, deep-down. It is not you. Believe, me i do understand, I seem to perpetually attract these kinds of people in my life.
Hugs!

 

[Despicable Me]

I feel any partnership should be an unspoken 50 / 50 involvement, or as close to that percentage as possible.

The issue starts when you start attempting to keep track of something like that. When you think for a moment that you've given more, the friendship is already over. You were judging the relationship rather than just accepting it for what it was, rather than just enjoying it. That's a rather big problem, and it seems it is quite common, as well.

But it's an unreasonable expectation to believe that things must be 50/50, because the implication is that it is 50/50 based on your own terms. Who else would create those terms but the one judging them?
A relationship should just be a relationship. And if you find it isn't working out? Don't judge. Try to understand. Talk it out with them. And if it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out.

I've noticed so many people just seem to think that every relationship (friend or romantic) requires this 50/50 split. It really doesn't.

I'm not trying to say you've made the wrong choice with your friend. I think you didn't hear what you wanted to hear and so now you avoid them. They weren't the person you wanted and expected them to be. I get that.
But does that really mean they always just 'took' everything from the relationship and gave nothing back? You said you were friends for 15 years. That she was like a little sister to you. How is it possible then that she never gave anything back? How was it she was like a little sister, but never gave you anything in return? Was companionship not giving something back? Was that relationship not meaningful to you?
I don't know what your relationship was like, but it is extremely hard for me to believe that a 15 year long friendship, of people close as siblings, could suddenly be seen as being one-sided.

There are two sides to every story. Both of you and Minty should realize that. Don't try to push someone to be something they aren't. Just take them as they are, and if you don't want to be friends with who they really are, then that's fine and you both move on in different directions. The french have an expression for this: C'est la vie. (Translation: "That's life.")

It makes me really sad to think some of you have had such close friends, for years, and then you let the little stuff like this get in the way of that.

Edit - Oh, and I'm not saying 'it is you' to either of you. Every relationship has issues. Not everyone is compatible. Sometimes you don't realize it at first. I'm just pointing out that maybe a good talk and some understanding is in order, rather than the judgement I see from both of you. Maybe that judgement is well-placed, I don't know everything that has happened, but I've personally found that simple understanding and forgiveness is far more valuable on every level of relationships. Things would have been different for me if I had known that sooner. So I am sharing that advice. Take it as you will.

 

[ABrokenMan]

Despicable Me, i am not sure if you are attempting to be genuine in your take on my situation (and Minty's) or if you are one of those A.L.L. members who post to be confrontational, i.e, just to stir the pot, so to speak.

You do not know me. And you do not know my former best friend, understood. However, you are reading far more into what I posted. Just take my recount of the events posted at face value and stop reading between the lines. I needed someone to LISTEN. She did not do that. Anyone who is your best friend should have this inherent trait. Sometimes, you just need and want someone to listen to you = be there for you when time are difficult...nothing more. i never even got to explain my entire deal - i was cut off, judged, and dismissed. It wasn't the first time she treated me that way...but this last time, it was all I could take. How could someone who claimed she would never pass judgment suddenly get irritated at me and pass judgment? I guess I saw her as i wanted to see her, and not how she really is - self centered, fickle, and inconsiderate.

It has nothing to do with "hearing what i wanted to hear"...I'm so beyond tired of being judged and minimized by supposed friends. i realize now that some people i thought were true friends are just "circumstantial friends" - those whose true concern is for themselves, and when the friendship requires more giving and understanding on their behalf, they either fold, or turn on you, because you ask too much of them.

Maybe I'm tainted now, in the opinions of those who generalize, but I know what i need to do to be able to move on in my life. I am selfless and non judgmental, and a consider myself a prize as a friend. I'm now much more selective in whom I choose to award as a friend. If you want to be my friend you gotta earn it - show me, by actions and not by mere words.

 

[Despicable Me]

You do not know me. And you do not know my former best friend, understood. However, you are reading far more into what I posted. Just take my recount of the events posted at face value and stop reading between the lines.

You can question my motives all you like, but if you know for sure that what I said isn't applicable to you, then just ignore it.
I know that I do not know you, and I'm not trying to suggest I know better than you do. Some people just do not know themselves very well and don't truly take in all of the perspectives, but still wonder why they have certain issues. It's those kind of people whom I try to reply for. I'm not clairvoyant, nor omniscient, so obviously my advice isn't going to be true for everyone. And I don't have time to get to know everyone in detail to post some advice on a forum either. So I'm not sure why anyone would expect every single post to be meaningful to them. Take it as you will. It's just advice.

 

[constant stranger]

It sounds to me Minty that she may be your best friend but you're not her best friend. If that's the case then you probably need her more than she needs you hence giving her a more controlling role in the relationship.

When a dynamic like that gets established in a friendship it's difficult to change the arrangement. I was in a similar situation once and tried to alter the balance of power and control by lowering my expectations of what I'd get out of the relationship. The result? He wasn't getting what he wanted either (my loyalty) so he dropped me; I became a non-person, an ex-friend. It was quite a disillusionment to learn just how emotionally bankrupt our friendship really was. But I was wiser and more prudent for it though.

I hope things work out more successfully for you.

 

[dd11]

There are different levels of friendship. Just take people as they are. If u enjoy her company then just have fun on your trip. But actively try to broaden your circle of friends.

 

[BreakingtheGirl]

I've had this exact type of friend, but she would invite me out to parties, bars, etc then leave me to chat with guys or dance with them all night. A few times we went out together, she wouldn't tell me that she was meeting a guy she knows until we get to the club... then POOF! She's all over him while I try to not look pissed off walking around alone. If she invited me out with her own group of friends//coworkers, she'd ignore me. She didn't care to listen to me vent about things. Most times I would be spilling my thoughts to her while she's staring at her phone texting guys & start giggling reading her texts. The ONLY things she would talk about were d**k pics guys sent her or who she slept with that week....right after I confide in her about whatever was troubling me at the time. If guys started to hit on me & not her, she would get so moody so quick. She'd sulk the rest of the night till we drove home. The sad part is we had been friends since Kindergarten (23 yrs, a lot of good childhood memories), and yet she still doesn't know much about me. Not even my birthday. But I know everything about her. She had no problem venting to me but didn't care to give me the same back. She was fun & silly like me, always laughing & thinking back to our childhood & high school memories, so she wasn't horrible or anything. I just was spiraling down for a while & needed her to just listen.

Like the saying goes: When things get rough, you find out who your true friends are.

My mom's advice (which I think could help you as well) was to keep my friend for only superficial purposes. Not to invest myself emotionally to her since she doesn't seem to care and/or hasn't matured as much as I have. She advised me to find friends who will listen to me & who I can trust and vice versa. Like someone said earlier, there are different levels of friendships. Keep the ones who genuinely care for you close & the ones who are superficial/party friends keep at an arms length distance with issues you know they won't understand.
I didn't take my mom's advice because I stopped talking to her. She stressed me out. She was my last remaining friend, but for the past 2 yrs since she's been out of my life has made me more happy being completely alone than dealing with a friend who just wasnt there for me when I needed her.

 

[ladyforsaken]

The only thing I can think of is how she might just be using you at her convenience at times by your description of her. I don't doubt the genuineness of her friendship with you... cos I'm not her and I can't speak for her but I think she does enjoy your company, perhaps only when she wants it. A lot of people are like this... I've tried to let it go sometimes and just take what I can in the friendship or exit it or just not initiate anything with these people.

As for the trip, if you really don't want her to go.. I don't see any other way other than talking to her and honestly telling her how you feel about this whole thing or just swallowing it and put up with it till it's over. Either ways are tough but I'm really sorry you have to face someone like this - especially about the trip you're going on. She should've talked to you first I feel, but what's done is done.

If you ask me, if she doesn't have the decency to talk to you first before joining you on this trip, you shouldn't have to put up with her sticking around for the trip. But that's my "harsher" side talking right now. If I'm not comfortable and I find it a problem that she didn't even consult me first, I'd confront her straight up about it and if I still feel awful with her around, I'll tell her to go her own way and not join me for it. A friendship goes both ways - you consider each others' feelings about things and not just have things done her way, and her way only.

 

[Minty]

Thanks for all your replies and I appreciate what you have all said. I think I just expect people to behave the way I do when I am friends with someone and this is to think about them and realise that maybe they may enjoy something and make the effort to invite them places....but I also think that maybe I am also like that because I seem to have a bad habit of attracting people that are thoughtless and I know first hand how hurtful if can be - even if unintentional - so I make an effort not to make others feel left out.

We did go on the trip and we did have a good time as I tried to put everything to back of my mind. But we haven't spoken at all since we got back, much. In fact we had planned to go and see the Paranormal Circus that is in town and one night last week I got a photo texted to me from her saying, 'guess where I am? It's so cool!' I thought, well that's bloody charming! Since then, nothing.

I think I just tend to be people's saftey net. Only useful when they have nothing better to do. I really should just leave it and not dwell on it but it's difficult.

Although, Despicable Me: I have to disagree. Relationships, whatever their form in my opinion, should always be 50/50. To expect anything else means you are selling yourself short or you think you are better than the other person.