It's a choice. (is it?)

[imlikeasilhouette]

I'm new here so here goes nothing.

I think the cause of my low self esteem is my very own father, I grew up always always being called idiotic, moronic, stupid, dumbfuck, brainless, useless and other words synonymous to what I have just said but using a different language, it seems like i really cannot afford to make a mistake whenever he's around. Don't get me wrong He was a father to me and my brother, he's the ideal father but this is one of his bad sides that I couldnt take(he knows that he is tactless, but he hasnt changed).

I grew up and reached high school still thinking and believing the same thing. It has already sinked in my mind that those things he has called me ever since I was a kid. I always think that I'm a worthless piece of crap, a failure, a loser, stupid and so on.

I would love to blame my dad in all this, but I realized that It was a choice I made, I chose to believe what he said and never learned to trust what I'm capable of doing and stuff.

I'm don't like the way I look and that I am only an average person with an average brain with an average life, I always end up comparing my self to other people and hate it when people have to be so "blessed" with so many things. I hate smart people for being smart and some times get pissed when they dont have to make an effort to pass the exams or smething Unlike people who strive hard to get a good grades yet still fail. I hate surrounding my self with people whom i think is close to perfection 'cause it makes me feel so small,insignificant,ugly,stupid.

and right now i felt the need to disconnect my self from everyone else in the rl.

oh well.

 

[deliveryguy.]

Doesn't sound like much of a father to me. I know he's "family" and all but that's just no way to treat a son no matter what.

It's definitely true that you are responsible for your own actions and well being, but at the same time it's also true that (at least in my opinion) you are, whether you like it or not, influenced by the people around you. Kind of a conundrum, huh? A child that is not negatively affected by a father of such nature is something I have yet to come across.

I can't say anything to automagically make you feel better, but I can tell you that are not small, ugly, stupid and everything else you just called yourself. I refuse to believe that. Granted, everyones opinion of what these mean are quite subjective, but from what little I can gather about you I am certain you are none of those things.

Life is hard, rocky and can hit you pretty hard. Believe me. I know.

But there's always going to be somebody who'll listen and give a **** about you and your well being, and there's a whole lot of them here.

 

[dreamer8]

I grew up with verbal abuse as a child. My experience is very similar to yours. I'm in my 20s(23), and I experienced years of degrading,nasty name calling at the hand of my grandfather.
Sometimes words sink in more than you know. Aggressive people,when they break you down can get to you psychologically,and the effects are long lasting and damaging. I don't think you chose to believe the abusive words at all.
Yes,I do blame my grandfather for my low self-esteem,but now I have to move on,forgive and pick up the pieces. Accept the advice in ALL,it's helped me and there are people here that can help you through your struggle.

 

[Talus]

It's incredibly hard not to be influenced by something like that though. Especially if it's something you hear consistently while you're growing up.

I think it only really becomes a choice once you realize that you can actually choose for yourself, and the thing is, most people don't actually realize they can choose. Instead them simply think all they can do is believe what they hear on a regular basis. I know I'm not phrasing that very well, but I hope what I'm saying still makes some sense... or that someone will come along and translate my nonsense

 

[Badjedidude]

I would love to blame my dad in all this, but I realized that It was a choice I made, I chose to believe what he said and never learned to trust what I'm capable of doing and stuff.

You seem like you've already realized that your situation is of your own making...and that's always the first step in correcting it and making yourself a better life.

I hate surrounding my self with people whom i think is close to perfection 'cause it makes me feel so small,insignificant,ugly,stupid.

Instead of comparing yourself in a negative way to your friends, why don't you consider it a compliment that these awesome people would want to hang out with YOU? BTW...no one is "perfect," I'm sure your friends have their flaws.

I think your biggest problem isn't that anything is wrong with you...it's that something is wrong with your attitude and self-confidence. And even YOU realize it. I think that you're on the right track to getting things moving and working to make your way to a better situation for yourself.

Talus is right; you do have a choice, and now that you've realized it, you can make the right one. DON'T LOOK DOWN ON YOURSELF!!! You are who you choose to make yourself, not what others say you are.

Being a good, confident, capable person takes a lot of work...it doesn't just "happen." NO ONE is just magically a good person with good character. At some point they had to LEARN that character, and that learning comes through challenges and pain...and I think you've got plenty of time to work on your self-confidence and attitude to become who you want to be.

----Steve

 

[imlikeasilhouette]

thanks, I'm learning a lot from you people.

I just need to apply these things in my life.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Unfortunately it has been forever stored into your memory bank. Especailly if it was re-enforced over and over again,
then you yourself (believed it) and re-enforced it yourself.
Just the same as you can recall a song that you've listened to many, many years ago.
Just the same as when sometimes you can't get a song out of your head or a song just pops into your head.

What you can do is...make a recording of yourself with positive affermations of your own vioce.
Have lite music in the back ground. Load it into you ipod or mp3 player....Listen to it while you're asleep
or during the day. Make a committment to listen you this for at least 90 days. You will notice your own
positive affermations when confronted in situations or it's just pop into you head. You will notice the differents.
This will start to ulter your thought process. Change your thinking, change your life...

I still listen to mine almost every other day. It's positive re-enforcments or maintenace.
My father did that to me for years...so I'm not going to get well overnite.
However I do make progress everyday.

You can make corrections with your inner vioce or critical vioce. This vioce is neatrual....it dosn't distinguish between
right or wrong, good or bad...it just plays whatever. Just like your sub consiouse mind. That's why our dreams are wierd or
dosn't make sense sometimes.
Some people identify themselve to this vioce then live and react accordingly.
You can start recognizing your inner vioce quicker if you sit in a quit place...such as during meditations.
Or simply take a simple walk in nature, the beach, the park....just stoll. Or you can even jog.

You can obverse yourself what retriggers negative feelings...it's different for everyone.

No...you are not responsiable why certain people are pricks. My father is an alcoholic...I know about getting redicue or getting putted down without
being cursed at...
As in you don't have a chioce wheather it's going rain or not.
You do however have a chioce of wheather you want to get wet ...or rather stay wet.

You do have a chioce in making this correction or it has became too painful for you. (sick and tired of being sick and tired)
You had cross the threashold of pains that is too great for you. Everyone has different threashold.
This actaully is a good thing...you will grasp things quicker or make corrections quicker after crossing the threashold. (some call this opportunity in chaso)
You won't be perfect at it...but you will catch your old thinking or behaviors quicker...becuase you've cross into a newer
level of awareness..(growing pains....some would say) Life is a continuous process of growth and changes.
Our bodies experince gowning pains...it's a pain in the ass...Our mind growth is a life time process...Don't trip, once you recognize this, you'll be aware of it
and not react as much. Our mind will resist changes...What you resist, persist. Sometimes you just gatta stop fighting it and let it take on it's natraul process.
Growth is not a linerer line....it gose in cycle ( 1 step forward, 2 steps back) in a forward movement.
Or like a huricain making a it's path. if you stop figthing it..you're not feeding it anymore fuel...eventaully it'll died of a natrual death. (this too shall pass)
So when you feel like you've failed while in the 2 steps back stage...don't trip.

It has became so painful for me...I'm just done with all the negative bullshit...no matter how people
suger coat it..I'm done. No more. I still revert back to my old behaviors from time to time...I catch myself faster and faster.

I stopped drinking at a very young age...I chose to process my emotion and not numb out anymore. It can be very,very painful sometimes..but ultimately, I get to
the piont of ...I'm fucken done with the pains and sufferning. Then it's just a matter of me making a chioce to be happy no matter what happens, no matter what my father
say or anyone say. No matter if things gose my way or dosn't. No matter if people love me or hate me...I'm just done with all the pains and sufferning.
As I'm done with depression. It's a consious decision for me to not be depressed. F -it, I've had enough.
I simply make this chioce every moment I live..I'm always at this cross road...To be or not to be happy.
Some people do this oneday at a time. F- it everyday is like my birthday or christmas now..I'm celebrating my life everyday. I make this simple chioce and keep it simple.
No need to rack my fucken brain and get a headach from thinking about it.
I used to numb out as a child to survive before I even took my first drink or first smoke. Being abstance was only a begining..but I had to start somewhere.

 

[Phaedron]

People don't think you're ugly (unless you are truly hideous), but they probably do pick up on how you perceive yourself. For the most part beauty if subjective, like a persons taste in art. I for example am attracted to long dark hair, but don't care for blonds. So if you're worried what people think, they don't think about it at all. Keep trying and you'll find someone who likes you for you.

Knowing that these beliefs about yourself have been programmed into you is the first step towards overcoming them. Clearing out your psychological baggage is a difficult task though. My suggestion is that you have your own version of a vision quest and completely redefine yourself. The more you change in this process the more you will feel like a totally new person. My father died, but I know if he could see who I am today he wouldn't be able to talk honeysuckle about me. If yours is still alive, then you may want to resolve things with him. Find a way to prove yourself, grow some balls and kick his ass. There is probably no hope of changing yourself and recovering if the abuse is still going on.

I stopped drinking at a very young age...I chose to process my emotion and not numb out anymore.

Interesting. Getting drunk has always made me more emotional and removed any reservations I may have had about expressing those feelings.

 

[imlikeasilhouette]

Unfortunately it has been forever stored into your memory bank. Especailly if it was re-enforced over and over again,
then you yourself (believed it) and re-enforced it yourself.
Just the same as you can recall a song that you've listened to many, many years ago.
Just the same as when sometimes you can't get a song out of your head or a song just pops into your head.

Totally agree, and its up to whether I'm gonna start pulling my self back together or stay in this situation.. thanks though.