Its all my fault

[dan_in_stoke]

Hi,

I know this one of my first posts but something...ok alot of things have been buzzing around my head, keeping me up at night so I'm going vent my troubles...

...Simply put, I'm in my mid 30's and as my sister put it....
...I don't have a life.

I've always been a quiet person, not want too much focus on me and shy'ed away from social gatherings.

I don't have any friends, literally no one beyond family...that arks back to when I left high school.
The few close friends I had split and we all went seperate ways because they moved away.

So going to college was really daughting and I was petrified. Totally new environment and new people. I ended up being alone and eventually that turned into being bullied almost daily, which forced more and more into my shell.

At the time when I should have been living life, having fun and getting to know who I was and the world around me I was doing the exact opposite. Avoiding any social gathering, drinks in the bar, out to night clubs.

Once college was over I instinctively decided not to go on to university, why would I.....it felt like if I did then it would be another three or four years of the same type of hell.

So I eventually got a job in a factory, doing shift work. Turn up, switch off, go home etc. Again I found it difficult to socialise or let anyone get close.

It was during that time that I had a Aha or eureka moment. Kind of.
Toy Story came out at the cinema and it lit a fire in me and I wanted to get into doing CGI graphics and animation.

I looked into what that entailed and it just so happens the local university had an animation course so I took a bold step, quit my job and enrolled.

Whilst I really enjoyed the course, the nightmare of college hung over me and I again sidelined myself, avoid social drinks and gatherings, which made me feel awkward around my fellow students.

Hindesite is a wonderful thing and I know now I should have engaged more with my fellow students, they never bullied me or seemed to not like me.....quite the opposite they were always trying to have a laugh WITH me and tried there dammed hardest to get me involved.

Fast forward four years and I graduated with a top mark degree with the promise that the world was my oyster and there for the taking....
...well that never happened.
I found out how cruel and difficult getting into the CGI field is. Job application after job application, rejection after rejection, " you don't have the expereince we are looking for"....
"you need to improve the quality of your work"

Four years later and I feel I am still no were. Job applications still get rejected and I've only managed to pick up a few freelance jobs.


All the while there is this nagging feeling going around and around in my head that life is passing me by. That I am wasting my time and never going to be able to move on with my life.

I still live at home, as I just don't have to finances to break free, work is so adhoc I litterly have no savings left.

Then there is the girlfriend issue...I've never had one, never been close to having one. With what happend at college and Uni, I never was in a postion to meet anyone.
Would I like to meet someone...absolutely, but I just don't know how as I don't go out.
Because I am a freelancer I work from home, by myself, getting jobs via the phone or mostly the internet and email so I can go days without leaving the house. I'm just living in this tiny little vaccum that no one knows about and I feel really really trapped and alone.

So back round to my subject line, is it all my fault...did the choices I make force me down this path ?

I just don't know what to do, my self confidence and moral is really low. Someone a few years ago said " if you want to change something, do it", trouble is I don't know how to go about it, or even if I have the strength to do it.


Sorry I know its along post but this has been troubling my mind for several weeks and I've just found the courage to post.

 

[Callie]

First, welcome to the forum.

Now, as for your post. Stop blaming yourself and trying to put fault to anything. What happened in the past, has already happened and you can't change that. Stop dwelling on what you DID and start focusing on what you are DOING. No matter what you choose to do, do it to the best of your ability and try not to dwell on it. You are only a failure if you stop trying. Keep trying. Keep aiming high and working toward what would make you happy.
That said, could you get a job that would enable you to support yourself on your own while still giving you time to work toward your dream of CGI?

 

[Barbaloot]

A lot of people who ended up becoming very successful were rejected a lot, so just don't give up. You have already done a lot more than many people can say for themselves - you discovered your passion, you set a goal, you had the ambition to do it, you completed your degree. Just set smaller goals for yourself in the meantime to get you to where you want to be - even if you have to work in another field for a little while. Find places to meet people, social clubs, events, volunteer work. You could probably even teach other people CGI basics. You just have to leave your house.


BTW, welcome to the forum. Can I ask where you live? I used to live in a place called Stoke.

 

[dan_in_stoke]

Hi Callie and Barbaloot,

Thanks for the welcome.

I'm in Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire, UK.

You both make a good point about getting a secondary job, in fact I have tried.
I did have one at Woolworths, before it collapsed...it was there during Uni and the manager offered me the opportunity to carry on.
The factory where I used to work, was bulldozed a few years after I left.

Despite multiple applications I've not gotten anywhere. I've been told things like "your too qualified for the role", "you don't have the right qualifications".
"you don't have the right experience"
Even for shop work.
I think many agencies / employers are worried, given my ambition, that I will disappear after a few weeks, so they would sooner hire a student etc.

Hence why I feel trapped. Catch 22 situation.

 

[Okiedokes]

You should be proud that you jumped up and did what took your interest and risking losing the job that you were just "ok" with. Especially with how you were treated in college, and I'm glad to hear it was better the second time around...that people treated you better. It is totally not your fault that you can't get a job after all that hard work. It is sad hearing these kind of stories where someone tries so hard and hits the top in college only to not find a job. Blame the economy, not yourself.

 

[MadMonkè]

yo Dan! whats up bro.

listen I know how you feel. I have grown up isolating myself from others... in fact I just kinda wait for an invitation to play with others... as if I am something special where kids are eager to invite me to anything... well thats how it was and I never really opened up to many people...

but heres the kicker.. you have a life. you have created this thread and reaching out. you have a passion and you pursued it! the only thing is, we have developed a low comfort zone around people and blocked others out the first reaction. Maybe not all the time.... if you are like me, then you have fleeting moments when you are the rockstar... so I know we have a capacity to open up... its in us.

I mentioned this on another thread before and I feel like I am advertising now... which I am not...
but Meetup.com turned out to be a good way to get out and meet random people and explore your own city with like minded people! I am in Toronto and have joined several groups of interest... some nerdy, some social but all events that I attend were fun because theres a lot of interesting people reaching out also.

Anyways... I hope that you find your way... sounds like you just need a way to get out and I liked this way so I just wanted to share it with you... Let me know how you decide and what happens. (i do realize that this post sounds exactly like one of those bad ads for boner pills or dating sites... but this is the way I talk... sadly..)

Peace,

 

[ardour]

I also got hassled a lot at Secondary School. I'm real gross and actually started going bald at 14 - like real male pattern baldness - ending up hiding in classrooms during recess and lunch just to avoid the constant hounding. Even the teachers were laughing at me! Without the chance to have normal experiences and develop social skills your'e perpetually stuck on the starting blocks as life moves on by. At least you're educated and have skills. You can hold your head high there. I mean, fresia those people in school, half of them are working as un-skilled labour now.

 

[Barbaloot]

Hi Callie and Barbaloot,

Thanks for the welcome.

I'm in Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire, UK.

You both make a good point about getting a secondary job, in fact I have tried.
I did have one at Woolworths, before it collapsed...it was there during Uni and the manager offered me the opportunity to carry on.
The factory where I used to work, was bulldozed a few years after I left.

Despite multiple applications I've not gotten anywhere. I've been told things like "your too qualified for the role", "you don't have the right qualifications".
"you don't have the right experience"
Even for shop work.
I think many agencies / employers are worried, given my ambition, that I will disappear after a few weeks, so they would sooner hire a student etc.

Hence why I feel trapped. Catch 22 situation.

Ah, I used to live there. Even when I lived there, it was extremely difficult to find a job. I never did find one outside of my Uni.

Just keep trying for a second job, it's all you can do really. You might even consider excluding some parts of your education / qualifications from your CV if you're applying for a lower level job. And just distort everything you have done so it seems more applicable to the job you're applying for.

 

[dan_in_stoke]

Hi Okiedokes, madmoke, rdor, Barbaloot.

Yea I get what you say about my degree but from my current point of view, while it was a great achievement, it currently appears to have been for nothing.
From my experience breaking into the mainstream CGI industry is probably one of the hardest industries to get into.
More often than not its who you know....so being so isolated from everyone in general, means I'm not getting the networking opportunities.

Unlike my cousin who just graduated as a nurse and has got a job lined up already.....of which my relatives are gleefully rubbing my nose in...."look how successful our daughter is etc"

Chalk and cheese in terms of career paths I know.

As for those school bullies....well thanks to the magic of facebook I get to find out how great their lives are, great jobs, wives, children etc
in stark contast to my own. Feels like another kick in the teath.

Barbaloot, Stoke-on-trent is still a mess.. with all manufacturing gone unemployment is still high.

Dan

 

[blackdot]

Dan, being in my late 30's, I can say it's not your fault. A lot of what you went through is what I went through. I was lucky enough to be somewhat social in college but I was not into the parties and such. It's not like it would have mattered anyways since once you leave college, everyone separates.

Jobs are one of those things that you have to get lucky with. Most people get jobs in something they didn't get their degree in.

I'll give you some advise. Don't use the internet as a way to find out about people that picked on you. Nothing good will come of that. Look at the bright side in that they are no longer around to pick on you.

I have no advise on the girlfriend issue though. I didn't start trying to date until my mid-30's. I haven't learned anything yet on how it works.

 

[HappyYogi]

I think you are being too hard on yourself. You did a lot and you really made an effort. Most of it I would say is the economy. If you need to hone your skills try to do that now. I know this is just so trite...and I dont' even do it myself but the mantra "one day at a time" applies.

I also think some study into cognitive therapy would be very helpful for you. You, like others, and me, are suffering from a lot of self judgment and condemnation. You know even though things didn't turn out like you want, that doesn't mean you need to condemn yourself.

Gosh, just writing this makes me want to pull out my cog therapy books for myself.

Peace.

 

[Gutted]

It's not your fault. Most of the popular people that I've known, never made any special effort to be how they were. People were just drawn to them. Really, there isn't much that you want to do to make friends. You want to be yourself. If you're shy then that's fine. I think that you should get yourself Volunteering. Look for Art shows that show CGI Art maybe? Look for Work Placements in your field of interest. They may not be paid positions if available. But you'll get some experience and network a little. Good luck!

 

[Milly]

I don't know how practical this is for you, but have you applied for jobs in different cities? I wouldn't imagine that there's much call for CGI in Stoke - but you're fairly near Birmingham, aren't you? If you did manage to move to a bigger city it'd give you the chance of a fresh start and it'd be easier to meet people. That meetup site is pretty good but I think you'd have to live somewhere fairly big to get the most out of it.

 

[Reno Bill]

That's one of the sucky part of today's economy. You bust your ass in college, do well, and if you're lucky, maybe you land a job at McDonalds. But, hang in there my friend. Bad times don't last. I'm glad you joined our forum.

Bill

Hi,

I know this one of my first posts but something...ok alot of things have been buzzing around my head, keeping me up at night so I'm going vent my troubles...

...Simply put, I'm in my mid 30's and as my sister put it....
...I don't have a life.

I've always been a quiet person, not want too much focus on me and shy'ed away from social gatherings.

I don't have any friends, literally no one beyond family...that arks back to when I left high school.
The few close friends I had split and we all went seperate ways because they moved away.

So going to college was really daughting and I was petrified. Totally new environment and new people. I ended up being alone and eventually that turned into being bullied almost daily, which forced more and more into my shell.

At the time when I should have been living life, having fun and getting to know who I was and the world around me I was doing the exact opposite. Avoiding any social gathering, drinks in the bar, out to night clubs.

Once college was over I instinctively decided not to go on to university, why would I.....it felt like if I did then it would be another three or four years of the same type of hell.

So I eventually got a job in a factory, doing shift work. Turn up, switch off, go home etc. Again I found it difficult to socialise or let anyone get close.

It was during that time that I had a Aha or eureka moment. Kind of.
Toy Story came out at the cinema and it lit a fire in me and I wanted to get into doing CGI graphics and animation.

I looked into what that entailed and it just so happens the local university had an animation course so I took a bold step, quit my job and enrolled.

Whilst I really enjoyed the course, the nightmare of college hung over me and I again sidelined myself, avoid social drinks and gatherings, which made me feel awkward around my fellow students.

Hindesite is a wonderful thing and I know now I should have engaged more with my fellow students, they never bullied me or seemed to not like me.....quite the opposite they were always trying to have a laugh WITH me and tried there dammed hardest to get me involved.

Fast forward four years and I graduated with a top mark degree with the promise that the world was my oyster and there for the taking....
...well that never happened.
I found out how cruel and difficult getting into the CGI field is. Job application after job application, rejection after rejection, " you don't have the expereince we are looking for"....
"you need to improve the quality of your work"

Four years later and I feel I am still no were. Job applications still get rejected and I've only managed to pick up a few freelance jobs.


All the while there is this nagging feeling going around and around in my head that life is passing me by. That I am wasting my time and never going to be able to move on with my life.

I still live at home, as I just don't have to finances to break free, work is so adhoc I litterly have no savings left.

Then there is the girlfriend issue...I've never had one, never been close to having one. With what happend at college and Uni, I never was in a postion to meet anyone.
Would I like to meet someone...absolutely, but I just don't know how as I don't go out.
Because I am a freelancer I work from home, by myself, getting jobs via the phone or mostly the internet and email so I can go days without leaving the house. I'm just living in this tiny little vaccum that no one knows about and I feel really really trapped and alone.

So back round to my subject line, is it all my fault...did the choices I make force me down this path ?

I just don't know what to do, my self confidence and moral is really low. Someone a few years ago said " if you want to change something, do it", trouble is I don't know how to go about it, or even if I have the strength to do it.


Sorry I know its along post but this has been troubling my mind for several weeks and I've just found the courage to post.

 

[dan_in_stoke]

Thanks everyone.

Believe me I've tried so hard to get somewhere. I'd move tommorrow if I could get a job in a larger city (birmingham, manchester, liverpool, etc) and I have tried, probably contacted as many studios as I could find.

About three years ago I was told I should hone my skills...since then my quality have improved exponetially, all the freelance clients seem really happy. But when I apply for in house jobs they always want someone with "more experience" or "veteran artists"....
...which is crap as you can't get experience unless you get in somewhere !!!

SO stuck in a catch 22.

Good luck or fortune is just not on my side.

There is the L word.....london however if you manage to be lucky enough to get entry level job there, financially its impossible to get by....I know from one of the students I was at Uni with. He had to quit as the entry level salary didn't match the cost of living..... and I don't have rich parents to subsidise me.

Checked out the meetup site and you are right, not much going on locally.

 

[maybelazy]

Dan, just want to say its not all your fault.

I think you were very unlucky with college, and you are unlucky now with the work situation.

Employment wise I can't offer much help, I've a different career in a different country.

I think the meetup idea, or something similar is the best idea. I know you've said that there's not much in your area but there could be other clubs/societies around that could be good for you.

Don't get down on yourself and don't give up. It sounds like you have a real talent, and that's worth celebrating. I know it's tough, believe me. But think about this, there's a load of people on here that want things to work out for you.

All the best bud.