LoneWanderer
Member
Prelude
Not quite five o'clock (hoping to go to sleep before then) but thoughts still fill my head to the years that have passed me by. I'm too craven to walk the streets, even if they are empty (so now I write on here) and it is only myself and my immediate "nuclear" family whom really only speak to me.
Yes, I had been listening to Aphrodite's Child - It's Five O'Clock.
As such, these are the things that are on my mind. Instead of writing them in a diary which I sometimes add (last date is 2007 I think) I thought I would post them here and invoke web 2.0 - thought it would be interesting if I get any feedback from users! I also sub-headed it to make reading easier. I won't be offended if you don't read in its entirety - thus I can't be bothered myself to proof read so there you go!
Prologue First Primary School
When I was younger, according to my mum I had many friends. Apparently I was popular back then. I sometimes remember parts of it. I remember some friends and believe it or not people used to 'look up' to me, I decided what we were to play that day. I remember stupid things like this in the playground. I also remember being invited to peoples houses and such and I used to actually go.
Second Primary School
Then we moved house so I changed school. Although I remember starting to become a 'loner' then (my mum always said she wished she never took me out of my old school) I did still make some friends because I remember playing with them...eventually took a long time. I remember at the start though being alone most of the time I used to pretend I was a Russian soldier (our school uniforms were red) in assembly and I used to walk around the fence pretending to 'guard' the school grounds from enemies. I remember at that time I used to pretend an actual gun fight from an Nintendo 64 game I used to play at the time Goldeneye and I used to copy the dying moves. Yes people were concerned especially girls when I got bored and sat at a bench with my face down doing nothing. Thanks [name redacted] I still remember you, you made the other kids play with me which eventually made me friends with them.
High School
That was primary school. I thought I was "cured" in high school since alot of people from my primary school went to the same school and I even made new friends by myself. I remember or at least remember I used to think I "owned" the school, 'everyone' eventually got to know me (that's what I remember thinking at the time) I think this was proof that I was friendly, used to be outgoing and at one point perhaps even possessed the gift of the gag - I managed to talk my way out of a lot of stuff I should not have did. For example I told my French teacher, in all seriousness 'if you like France so much, why don't you go back there?' after the "100th" time she complimented her home country in front of the class again.
High School - Epilogue
On the other hand, in hindsight there were many missed opportunities. It seemed while I grew in height, others grew "up" in different ways - forming "relationships", girlfriend-boyfriend or so they claim. At the time I was not really interested nor really cared for gossip, but I listened as a courtesy because my mum told me not to be rude. In hindsight I suppose I could of had a "girlfriend" because now I recognize some of 'the signs' that they 'like' you. I was of course oblivious, even when my "best friend" (what are they really?) at the time was acting as a proxy and asked me out on behalf of someone - whom incidentally I got on with we used to mess around in class/wind up the teacher - in a wibbly-wobbley not direct way. It's only after what, 8 years or so I realized what the meaning of that strange conversation was. I also bumped into someone at a store (she was cashier) when I was with my dad and I found it most embarrassing - he said she "fancied" me and I blankly denied it. I guess in hindsight she did and [name redacted] I'm sorry - I should have treated you better. At the time I thought you were most annoying trying to talk to me all the time.
Sixth Form College
Fast forward to Sixth Form College a totally new setting, although some people from high school were present, we were not friends/did not really know eachother and the people I did know we were split up and we never kept in contact so I was on my own, again. I did manage this, not as confident as high school since I never really felt I "owned" the place like I did once before but I did make a few 'friends' or rather acquaintances I would call them. Unfortunately my friend in high school was in a different class and you know what people are like, they go their separate ways despite me trying to keep in contact. C'est la vie. I still remember the people and little details who I would have considered friends but for some reason they didn't really get in contact, despite me trying a few times. Nothing significant happened in the 'lady department' since I did ICT and there were no girls in my class can you believe? Well actually there were 2, one left in the first year and another got transferred to another class for some reason. Generally speaking I did get on with most of the people in my class. There were a few cunts however. One of which accused me of trashing his car in after I stormed out of class to go home when he was throwing paper balls in my head. Luckily that was the end of term of the last year so I did not have to put up with that cunt for long.
Interesting event from mother - It's ok if you are gay
Around about this time (I think) my mother told me it was ok if I was gay. She would still love me and such and she said I could talk about anything with her.
Whilst I appreciate her open-mindness in the modern world. I am not really sure if I would label myself as "homosexual". I've never really "experimented" with any subject, male or female. I can say I rarely have feelings of "sexual attraction" (or whatever the buzz-word is) for females (more on that later) and none for males.
University
After Sixth Form I went to University. At the time it seemed a good idea to live on campus (36 miles from home). Others (mums friends, internet research etc) had said I would miss out the experience a 'once in a lifetime opportunity' and all that honeysuckle. I called it my 'cell' because that is what it was like, or more accurately imagined to be by me - a prison cell. Small room, small bathroom not quite decrepit conditions but getting there. I hated university. It really was a "time of my life" -- I'm not religious but if I was I would imagine University was "Hell on Earth" that's how much I hated it and what I thought of it. For the first year I did not really know anyone and was alone in my cell for most of the time. My flat"mates" actively avoided me if they saw me cooking in the shared kitchen they would walk back out without saying a word. fresia them.
After the first year I decided I would commute every day which I did felt much better since when I was "done" there I could just drive home. Found it peaceful in the car and gave me time to think on my own in comfort. I made a small group of acquaintances (3 people) which we worked together regularly in class for group presentations etc (mutual alliance of getting things done whilst the others messed around) unfortunately despite me trying to keep in contact. Yet again they don't no one ever seems to.
First infatuation
In terms of the opposite sex, I did actually or at least I think I did experience infatuation. Although it took a while, we were talking in the car park (parking lot) for a while. Unfortunately at the time I did not really see it. She might have fancied me because we were talking about common interests for a long time. To be honest I got bored and wanted to go home. Maybe I should have asked her if she would like to go somewhere else or whatever blah blah blah.
After a few weeks of working together on this other project, and seeing her in the library early (I used to get in super early to get a parking space so saw her nearly everyday in the library) I think I became attracted to her or something because I felt excited to see her and such other symptoms. At one point perhaps feeling sorry I messed up on the presentation we did together I even got invited to the pub (bar) for dinner and to watch football (soccor, which I despise) with her for the full 90 minutes - I thought rude not seeing it through despite me having to drive 75 mins home at 10pm uni next day. Nothing happened at the end, said thanks see you tomorrow and that was that.
Another time I even >>first time ever<< when I saw her at the library asked her if she would like some coffee. Took a lot of courage I can tell you that. Unfortunately on the way to the place she met into some friends and started to talk to them. I was so embarrassed - what now? Do I just go or what? I was in shock not knowing what to do - does this mean she'd rather be with them than me or should I just get coffee or something? I just stood there like a dog. If her friends asked a question I would just reply, in shock to be honest. When they finally shut the fresia up it was time to go to class anyway so that ended that.
Even so after a few more weeks I even <<<first time ever>>> asked if she would like to go to the cinema with me. Although I did fresia this one up also. Unfortunately I wasn't sure if she was serious when she said "ok" or not. She didn't seem to enthusiastic I can tell you that. Anyway our projects stopped and to be honest I didn't really bother trying to see her again out of ******* embarrassment which I feel ashamed today.
Nothing else of note happened at University. Apart from me passing I did not attend the graduate ceremony of course - why would I want to see them ******** again? Apparently my mum and dad were disappointed in why I didn't attend. Dad I don't care because he never went to school days you know when the parents meet my teachers to see how I was doing. Why would he just care about me now? My mum I feel sorry for. I s'pose I could have stayed for 10 mins, get picture pick up certificate and go but you know what, why the fresia should I put myself through that honeysuckle? What have I actually accomplished? A ******* piece of paper proving that I can read and pass exams, that's not exactly life accomplishments to me.
Interesting event from mother - was I offered a prostitute?
Around time at University (I think) my mother asked me if I would like to "show a girl around town" -- Not knowing what this had really meant at the time I declined citing I don't really go outside of our house so wouldn't know where to go with her. I do have my own car, but I never go into the town centre. I realized about 3 years later what she meant - she was probably concerned I hadn't had sex yet and wanted to "help me" with the help of her friends it seems.
Recent events
Well since that's my basic life might as well complete it. After 3-4 months from Uni I did get a job but got made redundant after 10 months (currently unemployed) have not made any friends.
Interesting event from amusement park
Now I know what to look for, I still am pretty honeysuckle regarding talking to women and any one to be honest.
I was at an amusement park the other day and I think this girl 'liked', usual tests - bumped into me, dropped something by 'accident' on floor next to me, smiled, giggled but unfortunately I was so embarrassed I did not know what to say. She went but I did manage to come out with "have a nice day" so she didn't feel like honeysuckle like myself.
Interesting event from holiday
Another funny thing happened when I was in a shopping mall in France when I was on holiday I happened to catch the eye of this beautiful girl in a group of friends. To my shock horror these three girls came up to me and spoke to me in French. Ofc I can't speak it so said 'hello' and one of them said jumpily "Are you English" with a giggle in her voices. I said "yes" and she started to say "my friend...she...nevermind" she what? Likes you? Never got to know since they were probably embarrassed because they did not speak much English and me none French.
Wow, I guess I did feel better with myself. I always thought I was unattractive but since these 2 recent events happened it made me feel better about myself but at the same time made me feel like honeysuckle because I did not respond as much as I would have liked.
Conclusion
So that's my life. It started off reasonably ok, got better to the point where I thought I 'owned' the high school with many many friends and it got so worse in University I think I was depressed to now where I have no friends at all, especially my long-term friend who no longer keeps in contact which has made me lost hope in all humanity to be honest. No one seems to like me? My mum says it's part of the 'circle of life' I think that's just what people are like. A bunch of selfish cunts.
And now did I just win the internet or something for creating the most boring post ever? And to think that is the outline of my entire life and it took me 2 hours to write that crap so sorry. Oh well at least I now feel sleepy.
Not quite five o'clock (hoping to go to sleep before then) but thoughts still fill my head to the years that have passed me by. I'm too craven to walk the streets, even if they are empty (so now I write on here) and it is only myself and my immediate "nuclear" family whom really only speak to me.
Yes, I had been listening to Aphrodite's Child - It's Five O'Clock.
As such, these are the things that are on my mind. Instead of writing them in a diary which I sometimes add (last date is 2007 I think) I thought I would post them here and invoke web 2.0 - thought it would be interesting if I get any feedback from users! I also sub-headed it to make reading easier. I won't be offended if you don't read in its entirety - thus I can't be bothered myself to proof read so there you go!
Prologue First Primary School
When I was younger, according to my mum I had many friends. Apparently I was popular back then. I sometimes remember parts of it. I remember some friends and believe it or not people used to 'look up' to me, I decided what we were to play that day. I remember stupid things like this in the playground. I also remember being invited to peoples houses and such and I used to actually go.
Second Primary School
Then we moved house so I changed school. Although I remember starting to become a 'loner' then (my mum always said she wished she never took me out of my old school) I did still make some friends because I remember playing with them...eventually took a long time. I remember at the start though being alone most of the time I used to pretend I was a Russian soldier (our school uniforms were red) in assembly and I used to walk around the fence pretending to 'guard' the school grounds from enemies. I remember at that time I used to pretend an actual gun fight from an Nintendo 64 game I used to play at the time Goldeneye and I used to copy the dying moves. Yes people were concerned especially girls when I got bored and sat at a bench with my face down doing nothing. Thanks [name redacted] I still remember you, you made the other kids play with me which eventually made me friends with them.
High School
That was primary school. I thought I was "cured" in high school since alot of people from my primary school went to the same school and I even made new friends by myself. I remember or at least remember I used to think I "owned" the school, 'everyone' eventually got to know me (that's what I remember thinking at the time) I think this was proof that I was friendly, used to be outgoing and at one point perhaps even possessed the gift of the gag - I managed to talk my way out of a lot of stuff I should not have did. For example I told my French teacher, in all seriousness 'if you like France so much, why don't you go back there?' after the "100th" time she complimented her home country in front of the class again.
High School - Epilogue
On the other hand, in hindsight there were many missed opportunities. It seemed while I grew in height, others grew "up" in different ways - forming "relationships", girlfriend-boyfriend or so they claim. At the time I was not really interested nor really cared for gossip, but I listened as a courtesy because my mum told me not to be rude. In hindsight I suppose I could of had a "girlfriend" because now I recognize some of 'the signs' that they 'like' you. I was of course oblivious, even when my "best friend" (what are they really?) at the time was acting as a proxy and asked me out on behalf of someone - whom incidentally I got on with we used to mess around in class/wind up the teacher - in a wibbly-wobbley not direct way. It's only after what, 8 years or so I realized what the meaning of that strange conversation was. I also bumped into someone at a store (she was cashier) when I was with my dad and I found it most embarrassing - he said she "fancied" me and I blankly denied it. I guess in hindsight she did and [name redacted] I'm sorry - I should have treated you better. At the time I thought you were most annoying trying to talk to me all the time.
Sixth Form College
Fast forward to Sixth Form College a totally new setting, although some people from high school were present, we were not friends/did not really know eachother and the people I did know we were split up and we never kept in contact so I was on my own, again. I did manage this, not as confident as high school since I never really felt I "owned" the place like I did once before but I did make a few 'friends' or rather acquaintances I would call them. Unfortunately my friend in high school was in a different class and you know what people are like, they go their separate ways despite me trying to keep in contact. C'est la vie. I still remember the people and little details who I would have considered friends but for some reason they didn't really get in contact, despite me trying a few times. Nothing significant happened in the 'lady department' since I did ICT and there were no girls in my class can you believe? Well actually there were 2, one left in the first year and another got transferred to another class for some reason. Generally speaking I did get on with most of the people in my class. There were a few cunts however. One of which accused me of trashing his car in after I stormed out of class to go home when he was throwing paper balls in my head. Luckily that was the end of term of the last year so I did not have to put up with that cunt for long.
Interesting event from mother - It's ok if you are gay
Around about this time (I think) my mother told me it was ok if I was gay. She would still love me and such and she said I could talk about anything with her.
Whilst I appreciate her open-mindness in the modern world. I am not really sure if I would label myself as "homosexual". I've never really "experimented" with any subject, male or female. I can say I rarely have feelings of "sexual attraction" (or whatever the buzz-word is) for females (more on that later) and none for males.
University
After Sixth Form I went to University. At the time it seemed a good idea to live on campus (36 miles from home). Others (mums friends, internet research etc) had said I would miss out the experience a 'once in a lifetime opportunity' and all that honeysuckle. I called it my 'cell' because that is what it was like, or more accurately imagined to be by me - a prison cell. Small room, small bathroom not quite decrepit conditions but getting there. I hated university. It really was a "time of my life" -- I'm not religious but if I was I would imagine University was "Hell on Earth" that's how much I hated it and what I thought of it. For the first year I did not really know anyone and was alone in my cell for most of the time. My flat"mates" actively avoided me if they saw me cooking in the shared kitchen they would walk back out without saying a word. fresia them.
After the first year I decided I would commute every day which I did felt much better since when I was "done" there I could just drive home. Found it peaceful in the car and gave me time to think on my own in comfort. I made a small group of acquaintances (3 people) which we worked together regularly in class for group presentations etc (mutual alliance of getting things done whilst the others messed around) unfortunately despite me trying to keep in contact. Yet again they don't no one ever seems to.
First infatuation
In terms of the opposite sex, I did actually or at least I think I did experience infatuation. Although it took a while, we were talking in the car park (parking lot) for a while. Unfortunately at the time I did not really see it. She might have fancied me because we were talking about common interests for a long time. To be honest I got bored and wanted to go home. Maybe I should have asked her if she would like to go somewhere else or whatever blah blah blah.
After a few weeks of working together on this other project, and seeing her in the library early (I used to get in super early to get a parking space so saw her nearly everyday in the library) I think I became attracted to her or something because I felt excited to see her and such other symptoms. At one point perhaps feeling sorry I messed up on the presentation we did together I even got invited to the pub (bar) for dinner and to watch football (soccor, which I despise) with her for the full 90 minutes - I thought rude not seeing it through despite me having to drive 75 mins home at 10pm uni next day. Nothing happened at the end, said thanks see you tomorrow and that was that.
Another time I even >>first time ever<< when I saw her at the library asked her if she would like some coffee. Took a lot of courage I can tell you that. Unfortunately on the way to the place she met into some friends and started to talk to them. I was so embarrassed - what now? Do I just go or what? I was in shock not knowing what to do - does this mean she'd rather be with them than me or should I just get coffee or something? I just stood there like a dog. If her friends asked a question I would just reply, in shock to be honest. When they finally shut the fresia up it was time to go to class anyway so that ended that.
Even so after a few more weeks I even <<<first time ever>>> asked if she would like to go to the cinema with me. Although I did fresia this one up also. Unfortunately I wasn't sure if she was serious when she said "ok" or not. She didn't seem to enthusiastic I can tell you that. Anyway our projects stopped and to be honest I didn't really bother trying to see her again out of ******* embarrassment which I feel ashamed today.
Nothing else of note happened at University. Apart from me passing I did not attend the graduate ceremony of course - why would I want to see them ******** again? Apparently my mum and dad were disappointed in why I didn't attend. Dad I don't care because he never went to school days you know when the parents meet my teachers to see how I was doing. Why would he just care about me now? My mum I feel sorry for. I s'pose I could have stayed for 10 mins, get picture pick up certificate and go but you know what, why the fresia should I put myself through that honeysuckle? What have I actually accomplished? A ******* piece of paper proving that I can read and pass exams, that's not exactly life accomplishments to me.
Interesting event from mother - was I offered a prostitute?
Around time at University (I think) my mother asked me if I would like to "show a girl around town" -- Not knowing what this had really meant at the time I declined citing I don't really go outside of our house so wouldn't know where to go with her. I do have my own car, but I never go into the town centre. I realized about 3 years later what she meant - she was probably concerned I hadn't had sex yet and wanted to "help me" with the help of her friends it seems.
Recent events
Well since that's my basic life might as well complete it. After 3-4 months from Uni I did get a job but got made redundant after 10 months (currently unemployed) have not made any friends.
Interesting event from amusement park
Now I know what to look for, I still am pretty honeysuckle regarding talking to women and any one to be honest.
I was at an amusement park the other day and I think this girl 'liked', usual tests - bumped into me, dropped something by 'accident' on floor next to me, smiled, giggled but unfortunately I was so embarrassed I did not know what to say. She went but I did manage to come out with "have a nice day" so she didn't feel like honeysuckle like myself.
Interesting event from holiday
Another funny thing happened when I was in a shopping mall in France when I was on holiday I happened to catch the eye of this beautiful girl in a group of friends. To my shock horror these three girls came up to me and spoke to me in French. Ofc I can't speak it so said 'hello' and one of them said jumpily "Are you English" with a giggle in her voices. I said "yes" and she started to say "my friend...she...nevermind" she what? Likes you? Never got to know since they were probably embarrassed because they did not speak much English and me none French.
Wow, I guess I did feel better with myself. I always thought I was unattractive but since these 2 recent events happened it made me feel better about myself but at the same time made me feel like honeysuckle because I did not respond as much as I would have liked.
Conclusion
So that's my life. It started off reasonably ok, got better to the point where I thought I 'owned' the high school with many many friends and it got so worse in University I think I was depressed to now where I have no friends at all, especially my long-term friend who no longer keeps in contact which has made me lost hope in all humanity to be honest. No one seems to like me? My mum says it's part of the 'circle of life' I think that's just what people are like. A bunch of selfish cunts.
And now did I just win the internet or something for creating the most boring post ever? And to think that is the outline of my entire life and it took me 2 hours to write that crap so sorry. Oh well at least I now feel sleepy.
