Hey everyone, I don't know why I am writing this. I don't know if I need advice, maybe people that can relate to my situation to make me feel not so strange. Maybe I do need some advice haha.
To put things straight: I have no job, I usually wake up during the afternoons because waking up can be painful for some reason. I am very hard on myself. I always apolagize for stupid things that don't even mean anything. Social situations are just **** awkward now. My friends have started to notice this. I'm only 23 for christs sake.
I get wound up over very little things that were meant to be just a joke. Part of me hates myself for not being good enough anymore. My dad has had extreme anger outbursts at me at times for 'being lazy' or 'scared'. I don't blame him for them as he gets so pissed off at me still living at home. It feels like he turns into a completely different person at times. I can fight back, but I choose not to argue with him. I think I am a waste of space sometimes.
I can't explain how I feel to my friends. To put it bluntly, I feel like total honeysuckle sometimes. I recently had an argument with a friend, even though he was in the wrong too, I still took the whole responsibility for the argument and ended up apolagizing, while my friend denied the very fact he disrespected me. I carry a lot of self guilt around with me.
It makes me wonder that there is something wrong with me. I worry about stupid honeysuckle and I ruminate. Yet at the same time I am a determined person and I have goals and I want to achieve them. I workout almost four times a week, and when my knee heals I plan on starting my long distance running again.
I am constantly applying for jobs that are really crap, manual labouring jobs that are just heavy lifting and shifting. I am in great shape but that's the only good thing about this work apart from it giving me some money too. I have a fear I will end up being grumpy working these hard jobs my whole life. Part of me wants to, but that's the part of me that's self sabotaging and a martyr.
Nothing makes me feel worse working a job that is meaningless other than to pay to live. I know it's a part of life but I have to find a way to overcome this fear. I have a hnd in graphic design, but I don't know if I am skilled enough to pursue this type of job or whether I would survive in an office environment as I am so awkward and I can have really bad anxiety at work, even though I am completely capable of being a designer. When its a physical job its not so bad as it's simply a case of using my hands.
A lot of it is to do with my unemployment. I am a creative person that has lost my creative energy. I don't know if I can be happy doing a 9-5 job that I don't really care about, but if it's what it takes I will have to do it and learn to...whats the word when you do something for the greater good for the future...I can't remember lol. One of my friends used to really rip the honeysuckle into me for being unemployed, it made me feel like I was just nothing to them until I was working. Now he lost his job too, and he doesn't care. He's having the time of his life.
Anyway, I beat myself up for being unemployed or always taking on temp jobs and getting nowhere. To help myself I have made a list of all the things I want to do by the time I'm 30. Things like travel, start photography, things for me.
I often feel I have grown out of my friends, or maybe I just don't let myself relate to them anymore. They remind me too much of the past and that's what I want to move away from.
Anyway, I am designing for charities and I am going to start volunteering. Money is overrated, but I still want to earn a decent wage. I recently screwed up a ligament in my knee doing a demolition job, swinging hammers pummeling concrete all day. It was hard but somehow very liberating to smash down these huge concrete walls around me. I'd call them the devils walls haha, it was like a battle of good vs. evil.
I don't know the reason for writing this, maybe I just need to share my experience. I couldn't really tell this to my friends. I don't know why, I think it's because deep down I think a lot of them will shun me for it and won't respect that I want to get on with my life.
Thumbs up!
To put things straight: I have no job, I usually wake up during the afternoons because waking up can be painful for some reason. I am very hard on myself. I always apolagize for stupid things that don't even mean anything. Social situations are just **** awkward now. My friends have started to notice this. I'm only 23 for christs sake.
I get wound up over very little things that were meant to be just a joke. Part of me hates myself for not being good enough anymore. My dad has had extreme anger outbursts at me at times for 'being lazy' or 'scared'. I don't blame him for them as he gets so pissed off at me still living at home. It feels like he turns into a completely different person at times. I can fight back, but I choose not to argue with him. I think I am a waste of space sometimes.
I can't explain how I feel to my friends. To put it bluntly, I feel like total honeysuckle sometimes. I recently had an argument with a friend, even though he was in the wrong too, I still took the whole responsibility for the argument and ended up apolagizing, while my friend denied the very fact he disrespected me. I carry a lot of self guilt around with me.
It makes me wonder that there is something wrong with me. I worry about stupid honeysuckle and I ruminate. Yet at the same time I am a determined person and I have goals and I want to achieve them. I workout almost four times a week, and when my knee heals I plan on starting my long distance running again.
I am constantly applying for jobs that are really crap, manual labouring jobs that are just heavy lifting and shifting. I am in great shape but that's the only good thing about this work apart from it giving me some money too. I have a fear I will end up being grumpy working these hard jobs my whole life. Part of me wants to, but that's the part of me that's self sabotaging and a martyr.
Nothing makes me feel worse working a job that is meaningless other than to pay to live. I know it's a part of life but I have to find a way to overcome this fear. I have a hnd in graphic design, but I don't know if I am skilled enough to pursue this type of job or whether I would survive in an office environment as I am so awkward and I can have really bad anxiety at work, even though I am completely capable of being a designer. When its a physical job its not so bad as it's simply a case of using my hands.
A lot of it is to do with my unemployment. I am a creative person that has lost my creative energy. I don't know if I can be happy doing a 9-5 job that I don't really care about, but if it's what it takes I will have to do it and learn to...whats the word when you do something for the greater good for the future...I can't remember lol. One of my friends used to really rip the honeysuckle into me for being unemployed, it made me feel like I was just nothing to them until I was working. Now he lost his job too, and he doesn't care. He's having the time of his life.
Anyway, I beat myself up for being unemployed or always taking on temp jobs and getting nowhere. To help myself I have made a list of all the things I want to do by the time I'm 30. Things like travel, start photography, things for me.
I often feel I have grown out of my friends, or maybe I just don't let myself relate to them anymore. They remind me too much of the past and that's what I want to move away from.
Anyway, I am designing for charities and I am going to start volunteering. Money is overrated, but I still want to earn a decent wage. I recently screwed up a ligament in my knee doing a demolition job, swinging hammers pummeling concrete all day. It was hard but somehow very liberating to smash down these huge concrete walls around me. I'd call them the devils walls haha, it was like a battle of good vs. evil.
I don't know the reason for writing this, maybe I just need to share my experience. I couldn't really tell this to my friends. I don't know why, I think it's because deep down I think a lot of them will shun me for it and won't respect that I want to get on with my life.
Thumbs up!
