I've given up dating

[user 190541]

There's a story to how I found this forum (I was reading the "List of internet phenomena" Wikipedia page when, after a few clicks, I got here), but that's for another time. Since I'm here anyway, I'm gonna tell you guys and girls my story (because why not?).

I've given up dating.

Just this year I've met 3 different women, all of which rejected me. Now, I'd be perfectly fine with rejection if it weren't for the fact that they'd seem interested at first, but then lose interest for no discernible reason.

Actually, scratch that, I'd be totally fine with rejection even then, only if it didn't feel like all the time we spent talking and doing stuff together were only means for them to judge me. Like there was no fun involved, only business as usual.

I've always believed that relationships should be about accepting our special other for who they are, including every quality and flaw that they have, but apparently some women (and they are not few) have different ideas.

Normally, I'd believe, even if you don't end up feeling sexually attracted to someone you've been dating, the experience of dating that person should be enough to keep a friendship going. Beats me why you'd date someone you don't feel sexually attracted to, but to each their own.

But no, once again some women seem to have different ideas.

Furthermore, by discussing this issue directly with them, I was able to confirm that, indeed, I was being judged. And I don't mean judged like the way you'd judge if a person has the same life goes that you do, or, in other words, whether you're on the same page or not. I mean it in an immoral way, as if people were nothing but objects that you can throw away when they're no longer convenient to you.

This is wrong.

What's more, I was able to ascertain the precise reason I was rejected. In at least 2 of the 3 times I was dating, those girls claimed they didn't feel sexually attracted to me because (guess it...) they found me boring.

Like I'm some type of court jester that exists only for the purpose of entertaining women. Sure, you'd like to have some fun with your special other, anyone would, but that fun comes (or should come) from the basic, fundamental fact of human company, of human interaction which you get to experience by pretty much being in the company of anyone who isn't straight-out revolting. Now, that doesn't mean that you should consider every human being that isn't straight-out revolting a potential mate, just that you can't expect people to be particularly entertaining all the time. It's like people are starting to forget the most basic, obvious things.

I'm tall (1,84m), good-looking (at least believe so), have my own house, have a relatively good financial standing, I'm a normal person in so many ways, there's just this one particular, special thing about me - I'm somewhat shy, don't like to go to parties, don't like places with too many people, and I very much like to study and talk about philosophy and all of that related stuff.

It's like these girls want to feel some sort of animalesque lust or fall in love when they've just met a man. You date a person one time and that is enough for you to positively conclude that that man is unequivocally, irretrievably boring? This would be unbelievable had I not seen it with my own two eyes.

This is completely absurd. Talk about unrealistic standards.

And then there's those guys that wanna tell you that you have to change yourself in order to get the girls. Just imagine that.

If every woman I meet is gonna be like that not only I'll be satisfied remaining single, I very much prefer it that way.

What are your thoughts on this matter? I don't wanna sound misogynistic, but if I told you that this whole experience didn't leave me a little more misogynistic than I was before, I'd be lying.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I'd let up on the word, 'misogynistic,' for one; as, I don't think it fits your case. An attitude of, 'love stinks,' or, even being a bit, 'sour,' towards the opposite sex in general, is not the same as innate irrational prejudice towards about 4.5 billion human beings who have XX chromosomes and consider themselves hetero-sexual.

With that out of the way. My first question would be: where do you live? You don't have to reveal personal information and I'd rather you not; but, I've recently become a bit curious as to, 'the locality,' of which, people go about doing their dating.

As for me, I've lived in the same place, now, for 10 years, and I'm fairly certain, just by the samples of people I've encountered over the years, I may sort of be, literally, living in the wrong area, to meet my type, supposing I was in a place to be able to entertain new romantic interests at all.

You claim to be financially secure and not bad looking, and shy. So, all of the bases are covered, except for the last one; but, the last one, isn't a flaw, it's a character trait. Which, is why I ask, what sort of locality do you live in? Is it urban, suburban, rural. And secondly, your age. Are you 20's 30's 40's etc..?

The Urban dating scene, is different than the suburban, and rural, etc.. And not only that, but, a Texan, on the whole, is likely to have a different demeanor and outlook on life, than some one living in an upscale condo in Chicago who works in finance.

In my example, for whatever reason, I don't think there are a lot of, 'my people,' out here. And so many years, have gone by, of me, not really having, 'my people,' that, I may not really, 'have people,' at all anymore.

I'm just going to side-step the whole Bill Burr arguments, however, and leave that to him. Things will always be that way, somewhere in the world, at some time and some place.

Three women is a pretty small sample size; and that is objectively so.

 

[user 190541]

I'd let up in on the word, 'misogynistic,' for one; as, I don't think it fits your case. An attitude of, 'love stinks,' or, even being a bit, 'sour,' towards the opposite sex in general, is not the same as innate irrational prejudice towards about 4.5 billion human beings who have XX chromosomes and consider themselves hetero-sexual.

With that out of the way. My first question would be: where do you live? You don't have to reveal personal information and I'd rather you not; but, I've recently become a bit curious as to, 'the locality,' of which, people go about doing their dating.

As for me, I've lived in the same place, now, for 10 years, and I'm fairly certain, just by the samples of people I've encountered over the years, I may sort of be, literally, living in the wrong area, to meet my type, supposing I was in a place to be able to entertain new romantic interests at all.

You claim to be financially secure and not bad looking, and shy. So, all of the bases are covered, except for the last one; but, the last one, isn't a flaw, it's a character trait. Which, is why I ask, what sort of locality do you live in? Is it urban, suburban, rural. And secondly, your age. Are you 20's 30's 40's etc..?

The Urban dating scene, is different than the suburban, and rural, etc.. And not only that, but, a Texan, on the whole, is likely to have a different demeanor and outlook on life, than some one living in an upscale condo in Chicago who works in finance.

In my example, for whatever reason, I don't think there are a lot of, 'my people,' out here. And so many years, have gone by, of me, not really having, 'my people,' that, I may not really, 'have people,' at all anymore.

I'm just going to side-step the whole Bill Burr arguments, however. Things will always be that way, somewhere in the world, at some time and some place.

I'm 26 years old, live in a big city, but I've always wanted to at least experience life in a small town or even rural area. I live in a somewhat secluded place, so even though the city is really crowded, I still get my fair share of peace and quietness.

 

[ardour]

I'm 26 years old, live in a big city, but I've always wanted to at least experience life in a small town or even rural area. I live in a somewhat secluded place, so even though the city is really crowded, I still get my fair share of peace and quietness.

You write like an older man. Maybe they found you too reserved, hence "boring." (Or maybe it's your profile pic.)

Three women isn't a large sample size. Might just be bad luck, but yes it would be discouraging to have to go through the employment trial period over and over.

Maybe you need some Bad Boy schtick; for example, start "negging" or various other disturbing PUA tactics that get widely condemned, yet seem to work more than they should.

 

[user 190541]

You write like an older man. Maybe they found you too reserved, hence "boring."

Probably right. Like I said, I don't go to parties, I don't know many people. My social experiences outside of family basically sum up to playing games with my internet friends and discussing on forums like this one, and I like it that way.

Maybe you need some Bad Boy schtick; for example, start "negging" or various other disturbing PUA tactics that get widely condemned, yet seem to work more than they should.

God knows I seriously consider this type of thing, but I resist the idea. As I said, there's not much point in being in a relationship when the other person won't accept you the way you are, is there?

 

[user 139760]

I'm not sure I'm expressing this properly, but I think it's attrition.
Three women in a big city is not a lot. People are varied in many ways. Of course rejection is crushing but we're complex individuals. Finding a SPECIAL someone takes time.
I wouldn't let that hamper you. You can't judge yourself on the basis of three experiences or let that think its a reflection of your character. Honestly? I feel its on theirs.

 

[okidoke]

I don't understand. You're a misogynist? Why are you going out on dates with women for then? Maybe they picked up on your misogynistic vibe and were just being sort of polite by calling you boring, because they were too scared to say their real feelings. As has been already mentioned, calling it quits after three dates is a bit extreme. And don't get caught up in generalising any group of people, because there are always others that are not like that, you just have to do better at finding them.

 

[user 190541]

I wouldn't let that hamper you.

Maybe I'll try again later, but it can become quite tiresome. It feels very artificial when it doesn't lead to anything, not even a friendship. It's good to at least punctuate it with a little rest from time to time.

I don't understand. You're a misogynist? Why are you going out on dates with women for then? Maybe they picked up on your misogynistic vibe and were just being sort of polite by calling you boring, because they were too scared to say their real feelings.

I expressed myself poorly. To keep it simple (why didn't I do this before?), lemme just say that this whole thing has left me with a bad impression of women in general. That said, your hypothesis is wholly incorrect. One of those girls I met had some very incel-esque ideas about men and women, so I don't think being mysoginistic, even if I were, would be a put-off (not for her, at least). As a matter of fact, her ex-boyfriend was very much your typical incel, the only difference being that he actually had sex at regular intervals (crazy!). As I said, the reason they didn't find me attractive is because they didn't find me intersting/amusing, and I'm very convinced about that.

Regarding being a misogynist or not, I think that's one of those words that have no meaning in themselves. Maybe that's why I expressed myself carelessly. I have beliefs about stuff, and like any other person these beliefs are determined by experience and a rational ability to seek patterns and understand the way the world works. I don't have strong feelings about relationships, women or anything like that other than moral convictions. I look at it from a very rational perspective. That's why when even an incel can get a girlfriend and I can't, truly, I have to agree with Socrates and admit to myself that I only know that I know nothing.

 

[Unsigned]

What are your thoughts on this matter?

See below.

...those girls claimed they didn't feel sexually attracted to me because (guess it...) they found me boring.

Join the club.

I'm tall (1,84m), good-looking (at least believe so), have my own house, have a relatively good financial standing, I'm a normal person in so many ways

Same here.
Except for the "good-looking" part.
And the house - not that I can't...I just don't see the point of a 3 or 4 bedroom house for me by myself.

Like I'm some type of court jester that exists only for the purpose of entertaining women

Yep-a-doodle-do.
That's what modern, first world women want in a male.
A constant source of "excitement", entertainment and stimulation.
Like I said in another thread, I wish I was born 90 years ago. Maybe 100.

Anyways, good luck and best wishes in finding the one in a thousand who may still want a steady, solid, honest, hardworking guy.

EDIT:
BTW, I greatly admire the fellow in your avatar. Great actor, great man, and from what I have read, a genuinely nice person.

 

[okidoke]

@Mr Preuss & @Unsigned

Misery loves company. You two make a lovely couple. Either work on yourselves to get the type of women you seek, or look harder and less shallowly for women who would appreciate you.

 

[Unsigned]

@Mr Preuss & @Unsigned

Misery loves company. You two make a lovely couple. Either work on yourselves to get the type of women you seek, or look harder and less shallowly for women who would appreciate you.

What you say has merit.
But if you look at both of our posts, he, like me, is relatively successful and seems to be intelligent, articulate, thoughtful and polite.
And despite some of my drunken posts where I may or may not come off as a "pompous, arrogant donkey"...I am, for the most part, polite as well.

Honestly, I really don't know what I could possibly do to give females those "tingles" they seem to want so much.
Dirt bike racing?
Deep sea diving?
Jumping out of airplanes?
Smash up derbies?
Over 55 bare knuckles boxing?

Not sure. But at my age, potentially crippling myself to impress women just doesn't seem like a good idea.
I vent and complain here, and I apologize if I get redundant or annoying.
But as far as changing my life drastically?
It probably won't happen.

 

[okidoke]

What you say has merit.
But if you look at both of our posts, he, like me, is relatively successful and seems to be intelligent, articulate, thoughtful and polite.
And despite some of my drunken posts where I may or may not come off as a "pompous, arrogant donkey"...I am, for the most part, polite as well.

Honestly, I really don't know what I could possibly do to give females those "tingles" they seem to want so much.
Dirt bike racing?
Deep sea diving?
Jumping out of airplanes?
Smash up derbies?
Over 55 bare knuckles boxing?

Not sure. But at my age, potentially crippling myself to impress women just doesn't seem like a good idea.
I vent and complain here, and I apologize if I get redundant or annoying.
But as far as changing my life drastically?
It probably won't happen.

Then the last part of my comment would apply.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Small town life is boring as hell, so you might like it. Lol. Though, in a small town, pretty much everyone is in your business, so you might not.

But yeah, three women isn't a lot to base that one, so take a break, see if you can work on your shyness a little, maybe. I'm not saying change it completely, because I don't see being shy as a bad thing, but we could all use a little improvement, right?

 

[user 190541]

Misery loves company. You two make a lovely couple. Either work on yourselves to get the type of women you seek, or look harder and less shallowly for women who would appreciate you.

Who said anything about misery? I explicitly stated that I'm quite satisfied with things the way they are, and, indeed, there's a lot more to life than relationships and going after women. I'm quite happy with my life. Actually, I think it's you who may not be so happy about it. Maybe you read what I wrote, saw too much of yourself or your situation in it and then more or less projected your own dissatisfaction onto me. I don't know, really, and I don't care.

But yeah, three women isn't a lot to base that one, so take a break, see if you can work on your shyness a little, maybe. I'm not saying change it completely, because I don't see being shy as a bad thing, but we could all use a little improvement, right?

Living and learning! Though, on a fundamental level, I don't think it can be changed. Maybe I can become a little more charismatic, which is a good thing, but I'll never be as charismatic as, for instance, the guy in my pic (he is indeed a great actor and a great man!).

 

[michael2]

The problem is simple, yet devastating.

Modern women have too many choices in men - they can discard you and choose any one of their 200 Tinder matches to go on a date with the very next day.

Because of this if you are not perfect, or obscenely wealthy or good looking, your pretty much screwed. Welcome to dating for a man in 2023.

 

[user 139760]

Who said anything about misery? I explicitly stated that I'm quite satisfied with things the way they are, and, indeed, there's a lot more to life than relationships and going after women. I'm quite happy with my life. Actually, I think it's you who may not be so happy about it. Maybe you read what I wrote, saw too much of yourself or your situation in it and then more or less projected your own dissatisfaction onto me. I don't know, really, and I don't care.



Living and learning! Though, on a fundamental level, I don't think it can be changed. Maybe I can become a little more charismatic, which is a good thing, but I'll never be as charismatic as, for instance, the guy in my pic (he is indeed a great actor and a great man!).

You don't need to be.
I live in a big city too, much like yours. I've met many many people, including women of course. Some my age, some older, some younger. Even if it's not through the demoralizing experience of online dating (and it is), I've met very few ladies I would have considered dating. Arguably, I'm somewhat difficult, I've been single a VERY long time. At the same time, I don't mind being picky about whom I would consider. I've been on one date, maybe two years ago, with a woman I had met on a dating sign. Kind of started me in misgivings as she was drunk on our first call lol. We talked daily for some months before meeting. We went on a date through a local bar and had a pleasant, but banal evening. Enough so that at the end I was like "Okay...she's not really into me". I didn't call her the following day because, as I told heRr before, I don't usually call the following day. In fact, I expected her to be like "Listen, there isn't anything there". Would've been fine with that. Instead she calls me the following day and like "Why didn't you call me?!?". Rather upset.
Anyways, long story short, despite the fact that it took some time, I didn't see that as a reflection on "women". That was on A woman. Like men, as varied as they are stars in the sky. It takes a long time to connect, you have to give yourself that time, dude.
I think we tend to think in terms of groups too much. Women are, as a group, about 4 billion individual personnalities. And if you're looking for one that STANDS OUT of the group, well...I wouldn't let that be a reflection, arm yourself with patience.

That being said, careful of your misgivings really turning you towards maybe a more misogynistic line of thinking. When you start thinking in terms of "women"... that's where I found I was heading down that path, personally. There just isn't anyone to blame, you just met incompatible people, it happens. You dust yourself, you move on. There really isn't any much more than that.

 

[okidoke]

Who said anything about misery? I explicitly stated that I'm quite satisfied with things the way they are, and, indeed, there's a lot more to life than relationships and going after women. I'm quite happy with my life. Actually, I think it's you who may not be so happy about it. Maybe you read what I wrote, saw too much of yourself or your situation in it and then more or less projected your own dissatisfaction onto me. I don't know, really, and I don't care.

I was referring to the whining about women you both did. You don’t know enough about me to infer that, so settle petal.

 

[user 190541]

I was referring to the whining about women you both did. You don’t know enough about me to infer that, so settle petal.

It's only whining if you believe it to be. To me, it's perfectly valid criticism that needs to be adressed, since, I believe, there's evidence pointing towards the notion that this type of behaviour is widespread amongst women. You can either deal with realities, even if they are only apparent, or you can hide your lack of better things to say behind your discreetely contemptuous attitude, as you've been doing until now. A third option, which may also be good for you, is to just be quiet and say nothing. It's your choice.

Also, I did not infer anything. I was talking about a possibility there. Now, if there's one thing to infer is that you seem to have a hard time with language comprehension.

I think we tend to think in terms of groups too much. Women are, as a group, about 4 billion individual personnalities. And if you're looking for one that STANDS OUT of the group, well...I wouldn't let that be a reflection, arm yourself with patience.

That being said, careful of your misgivings really turning you towards maybe a more misogynistic line of thinking. When you start thinking in terms of "women"... that's where I found I was heading down that path, personally. There just isn't anyone to blame, you just met incompatible people, it happens. You dust yourself, you move on. There really isn't any much more than that.

It's something that happens whether you like it not. Rationally, I know 3 girls isn't enough for me to reach a conclusion, however, some of the things those girls did and said left a big impression on me, and not a good one. Even if I were to date again, right now it's probably a matter of taking some time to heal from the trauma. There's a lot I haven't said, there's a lot you're missing out, so don't say I'm whining about women for no reason. I'm not saying this to you nor to okiedoke specifically. I know it sucks to think, to use your words, "in terms of groups", but I can't help but do so. It's not something for me to consciously decide whether to do or not do. It's something that refers to the unconscious processes of our minds.

Small town life is boring as hell, so you might like it.

Also, this is unrelated, but when I said small town, I meant something like this:

 

[okidoke]

Well you’re obviously too intelligent and experienced for me to converse with you. I’m perplexed as to why you haven’t found the right woman yet.

 

[user 190541]

Try actually being respectful toward the people you talk to and you'll quickly see the difficulty conversing with others disappear.