I've learned it's pointless to spend time and energy on anything

[el Jay]

So earlier today, a game development project I've been working on with some others for over 3 years got officially terminated. And with that being the case, I can now officially say that every single project that I've started or been involved in over the past eight years has ended in failure, with me being no richer, smarter, or even necessarily wiser for the effort. Just more cynical, jaded, and burnt out.

Every time I've attempted to seriously put my time and effort into making something work, it falls apart. Maybe in some cases I didn't do all I could have, but the problem is always that other people involved get tired of it, or give up, or just disappear and don't let anyone know what happened. Or one of a myriad other things. And all I'm left with, when it's all said and done, is a few scraps of work here and there. Nothing of any real significance or size, and nothing I could show other people as evidence of my effort that wouldn't broadcast the huge numbers of failures my name would then be attached to.

Someone tell me: what is there in this world worth spending my time and energy on? What is there that won't fail despite any effort I put forth, and won't just waste my time? Is there anything at all I can devote myself to, that will not only be worth the effort involved, but that I can look at before it's even done and think "I've made a lot of progress, and when it is complete, it will be that much more amazing?"

All my life I've been told I'm so intelligent, that I could do anything. Other students at college now are amazed I get such good grades with seemingly so little effort (and compared to the effort they put into it, it's definitely true). But what the fresia does any of that matter? Everyone else I know of has a plan in their life. They know what they want to do. They have an idea of the path they need to follow to get there. Even people who don't know have some idea of both a destination and the path there. But what do I have? Jack honeysuckle.

I don't even have any real direction. I've never had much direction. No one in my family has ever been able or willing to give me guidance in life. My dad's a lazy ******* who means well, so long as it doesn't create work for him, and my mom lives in Australia and never even went to college, or had much talent in math, science, and writing (like I do). My professors at college have been professors so long they have trouble giving concrete advice. So I don't have any idea what direction to go in, or how to begin down that path even should I choose some direction.

So what the hell should I do? What CAN I do? I don't even know what sort of advice I'm looking for, or is even possible. Just don't post something like "you just have to keep trying," because that's bullshit. "just keep trying" is what's wasted the last 8 years of my life. It clearly isn't the answer.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Have you ever considered trying to take up new hobbies?

 

[VanillaCreme]

You would think that teachers who have been teaching for eons would be the ones who give the concrete advice... Hmm. Anyway, Jay, I hope you allow yourself to dive into something else. Pretty awesome you're a game dev.

 

[ardour]

real advice would have to come from someone who's worked in the games industry. Are there colleagues/acquaintances that could help? All I can think of is maybe attach yourself to properly funded projects that are under way, maybe taking on minor roles for a while and building on that.

 

[Revengineer]

Sorry to hear about your project. That must really hurt to have put in all that effort for nothing. I hear that the gaming industry can be unbelievably brutal. :/

Have you thought about moving to another job? It sounds like you've had some trouble with coworkers. Perhaps a change of scenery would be beneficial.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I know how you feel, I'm kind of in the same boat. It seems like no matter what job I have or how well it may start out at some point it all falls apart. You may never find satisfaction in your work, it just may always end up with disappointment. But you also never know, one day it could all work out and all your hard work will be rewarding. It's just waiting for that day to come which can be difficult. So in the meantime all you can do is find something you can control. You can't control your work because there are other people involved, other factors. You need to do something you can control, something you can complete on your own. I have other hobbies that I enjoy doing, don't make any money at it but it's something that no one else can take control of. I share it on other forums with people who have similar hobbies. There is no greater satisfaction than when someone compliments you on what you've accomplished, or even contacts you asking if they can use something you've done for their project. And that is an accomplishment, no matter how small or how little few people will know about it, no one can ever take away from you. It's yours and always will be.

 

[el Jay]

I guess I should specify that I'm barely "in" the game industry, if at all. Which is part of the problem, since several projects I've been involved in have fallen apart. And all of them after we've started getting something concrete done. We were well on our way towards having the game mechanics sorted out well enough to produce a playable demo (and we do have a playable build of the game, although a lot of things are unfinished). Some previous projects also got some sort of demo-style gameplay developed before dying out.

As it is, I don't have anything even close to a completed and "shipped" game on my record. Just "half a page of scribbled lines," as Pink Floyd put it. Given that, I'm hardly "in" the industry, which is what makes this that much more crushing. When I joined this project (in January '10), it was meant to be my big chance, given the projects that fell apart before were much smaller and started out with less real hope of actually finishing.

At this point I'm wondering if it's even worth trying to join another project. It'll probably just end up failing after draining another year (or even two) from my life. I certainly see no reason to believe it would actually be successful. And since I have no actual stake in the industry now (or even hope of it), maybe it's time to leave that entire completely failed dream behind and try to find something else to work into a career.

You would think that teachers who have been teaching for eons would be the ones who give the concrete advice... Hmm. Anyway, Jay, I hope you allow yourself to dive into something else. Pretty awesome you're a game dev.

Well, it's more that they're so far removed from the industries that involve the subject they teach that they can't really give good, effective advice, I guess. But getting proper guidance from someone who knows the things I need them to know to actually help and direct me has never really happened in my life. I've just been left to languish, pecking at a direction on occasion but with no game plan in mind. I have no real dreams, to speak of, as the intense and persistent bullying I endured for several years in school killed off my dreams pretty **** well. Even now, I cant "dream" because I just tell myself "there's no way it'll happen, other people will always do it better than you."

I just feel so ******* lost in life right now. Too scared of wasting even more time to devote any energy to whatever projects I could possibly find, and no idea of what I really want to do in life, anyways. God **** this bullshit.

---

I know how you feel, I'm kind of in the same boat. It seems like no matter what job I have or how well it may start out at some point it all falls apart. You may never find satisfaction in your work, it just may always end up with disappointment. But you also never know, one day it could all work out and all your hard work will be rewarding. It's just waiting for that day to come which can be difficult. So in the meantime all you can do is find something you can control. You can't control your work because there are other people involved, other factors. You need to do something you can control, something you can complete on your own. I have other hobbies that I enjoy doing, don't make any money at it but it's something that no one else can take control of. I share it on other forums with people who have similar hobbies. There is no greater satisfaction than when someone compliments you on what you've accomplished, or even contacts you asking if they can use something you've done for their project. And that is an accomplishment, no matter how small or how little few people will know about it, no one can ever take away from you. It's yours and always will be.

Thanks for that advice. I already do that. Most of my friends (all but one of which are online) I have through playing videogames. Maybe not a "hobby," per se, but nonetheless. I've written many guides and FAQs for games, and the few people who have contacted me about them (mostly to contribute something, but sometimes just to thank me for them) pretty unanimously say that my guides are the highest-quality guides they've ever seen.

 

[Walley]

I recall years ago, when I was playing music with a bunch of guys and we were forming a band. we learned about 12 songs over a period of a few weeks and practiced together maybe every 2nd day.
then it feel apart when a couple of guys pulled out.
what stands out in my mind was when one guy said to me: what a waste of time! we learned all those songs for nothing!
so I said ...no we didn't! we progressed our skills. everyone should have learned something and be better musicians for it. just because that particular project never came to pass, does not mean it was a waste of effort. everyone involved walked away with experience.
we are all products of our experiences, and the culmination of them all makes us what we are in the end.
the same goes for everything whether it be a hobby, career or relationships.

when I started working many years ago I was an apprentice electrician for 3 years but then switched directions and never did get my electricians license. but I have never thought of it as a waste or a loss in opportunity. much the opposite. those skills help me almost every day and continue to look good on my resume.

nothing in life is ever a waste of time. everything in life is a learning experience that makes us better people. (if we take the right lessons from things)

 

[el Jay]

I recall years ago, when I was playing music with a bunch of guys and we were forming a band. we learned about 12 songs over a period of a few weeks and practiced together maybe every 2nd day.
then it feel apart when a couple of guys pulled out.
what stands out in my mind was when one guy said to me: what a waste of time! we learned all those songs for nothing!
so I said ...no we didn't! we progressed our skills. everyone should have learned something and be better musicians for it. just because that particular project never came to pass, does not mean it was a waste of effort. everyone involved walked away with experience.
we are all products of our experiences, and the culmination of them all makes us what we are in the end.
the same goes for everything whether it be a hobby, career or relationships.

when I started working many years ago I was an apprentice electrician for 3 years but then switched directions and never did get my electricians license. but I have never thought of it as a waste or a loss in opportunity. much the opposite. those skills help me almost every day and continue to look good on my resume.

nothing in life is ever a waste of time. everything in life is a learning experience that makes us better people. (if we take the right lessons from things)

Oh, I've definitely learned from those experiences. But the problem is that what I learned isn't of much benefit. Half of it is just making me more cynical and jaded, and less interested in ever spending time and energy on anything ever again. Even if I have picked up little things here and there, all of that effort has done nothing to really improve my position in life. I'm getting close to 30, and what do I have to show for it? Less than people I know who are 20. No direction, no real career prospects. No achievements or accomplishments, outside of good grades in college. I mean, sure, that's something, but it's only useful if I can use that to achieve something bigger. Just getting good grades in college isn't a career, and won't let me support myself.

A lot of what I "learned" from those projects were just honing my skills and giving me more insight into how a game is made. Which is great, but where do I go from here? I have no connections or prospects in the industry. I'm a writer, first and foremost, but even outside of game development, I have absolutely no idea where to even begin building some sort of career. I don't do much writing on my own (outside of writing the game guides I mentioned), but no one, even at college, has ever been able to give me advice on that path, either. Even asking English professors. Overwhelmingly, the "career advice" I get from people amounts to "well, you'll have to find some way into that industry, I can't do everything for you." As though I'm asking them to ACTUALLY do "everything" I would need done.

And this goes beyond just failed game dev projects. It also includes a several-year failed relationship wherein I spent so much time and energy on trying to help her be happier (she descended into depression during our relationship for reasons unrelated to me), and for years I was much more miserable because of it. Then a couple of years ago, after some real crippling blows to our long-term plans that were out of our control, she decided that she wanted to finally be happy, went to a therapist and got on anti-depressants, and dumped me, because I "reminded her of her past too much." So I spent over 3 years trying to help her be happy, which she actively resists, and when she decides it's time, gets rid of me.

But back to a career, I don't even know where to begin. While I could go an find another game dev team to join, why bother? It'll probably just be another failure that steals years from me. I don't actually have any legit completed and "shipped" games, so I don't have much standing to join any more professional team (and trying to apply to actual game companies is just laughable; and besides, I've tried). All of these failed projects were supposed to give me my springboard into the industry; to give me a completed game to stick on my resume. A jewel in my crown. And instead, I'm left with the tatters of the work I completed for them, only useful to show to people and say "look, this is what might have been, if only people cared more." Who the fresia wants that from a potential employee or team member?