Putting in the effort

[okidoke]

I have found over the years that if I'm not the one initiating a conversation or organizing a get together of some sort, then nothing happens. I've always been the one to put in the effort to maintain relationships, and I don't think it takes much effort and I also don't obsessively message people. So I just don't get why other people don't put in effort. I'm not asking that they message me all the time or invite me to gatherings all the time, but even occasionally would be nice, just so it appears like they have some interest in me. I know that if they're not putting in any effort then they're probably not worth having as friends or acquaintances, but when it's all you have, it's a big deal to burn that bridge, which I have done plenty times, leading to where I am now, with barely anyone in my life. Where I've been used, abused, mistreated, etc, I cut the link without regret, but where the relationship has hints of behaviour that I struggle with myself to tolerate, I accept it, a little painfully at times. just to have that relationship. I know people have busy lives, I get it, but when you see them putting in effort elsewhere and never toward you, it hurts.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I never really catch up with my friends they scold me every time they message me lol

However, its hard to make friends so try your best not to take it too person

 

[okidoke]

I never really catch up with my friends they scold me every time they message me lol

However, its hard to make friends so try your best not to take it too person

I'm not talking about new friends, I'm talking about those I've known for decades.

 

[user 139760]

I have found over the years that if I'm not the one initiating a conversation or organizing a get together of some sort, then nothing happens. I've always been the one to put in the effort to maintain relationships, and I don't think it takes much effort and I also don't obsessively message people. So I just don't get why other people don't put in effort. I'm not asking that they message me all the time or invite me to gatherings all the time, but even occasionally would be nice, just so it appears like they have some interest in me. I know that if they're not putting in any effort then they're probably not worth having as friends or acquaintances, but when it's all you have, it's a big deal to burn that bridge, which I have done plenty times, leading to where I am now, with barely anyone in my life. Where I've been used, abused, mistreated, etc, I cut the link without regret, but where the relationship has hints of behaviour that I struggle with myself to tolerate, I accept it, a little painfully at times. just to have that relationship. I know people have busy lives, I get it, but when you see them putting in effort elsewhere and never toward you, it hurts.

There's nothing you can do about that. I somewhat relate to that at yimes, with some people.
But, it's a part of accepting people for who they are. They probably don't see it that way at all, because putting yourself in someone else's shoes, or caring, doesn't cone naturally or the same way with a lot of people.
I look like the epitome of a tough, hard man. Most people don't know how empathic I am if I allow myself to be, so I try to not get too invested with other people too much. It tends to lead to disappointment and often enough, it's not anybody's fault but my own.
My dad is capable of not giving a crap about anything. My mother cares way too much. I landed somewhere in the middle, with a little of both, depending on situations and circumstances. It's not always easy. Either stance can be destructive or comforting. Best thing I've found is to not be involved too closely with people, except a VERY select few. And family.

 

[okidoke]

...... Best thing I've found is to not be involved too closely with people, except a VERY select few. And family.

i only have a few anyway, even my family group is small

 

[Murakami_1]

I used to have this problem too, but now I can say it has lessened a lot.

Might sound silly, but have you asked them about it or told them that you think it all comes from you? If you have known them for ages, they shouldn't get upset and you could investigate

 

[okidoke]

I used to have this problem too, but now I can say it has lessened a lot.

Might sound silly, but have you asked them about it or told them that you think it all comes from you? If you have known them for ages, they shouldn't get upset and you could investigate

A) I can’t ask all the ones that have disconnected
B) They shouldn’t get upset, you’re right, but I’ve seen it in the few I can still associate with and I’m not going to risk it
C) What’s a grown man going to ask other grown men? “Why don’t you make more of an effort? It’s always me.” And the few women I broached the subject with stopped conversing.

 

[Murakami_1]

I am sorry we should be in a time and age where people care about one and other, and men should just be able to ask things... It completely sucks, and I can imagine not knowing is something that can make it worse...

Hopefully it gets better, weird we have to resort to hope.

 

[okidoke]

I am sorry we should be in a time and age where people care about one and other, and men should just be able to ask things... It completely sucks, and I can imagine not knowing is something that can make it worse...

Hopefully it gets better, weird we have to resort to hope.

Eventually hope fades and you just live day to day.

 

[Murakami_1]

Eventually hope fades and you just live day to day.

 

[Sir Joseph]

I have found over the years that if I'm not the one initiating a conversation or organizing a get together of some sort, then nothing happens. I've always been the one to put in the effort to maintain relationships, and I don't think it takes much effort and I also don't obsessively message people. So I just don't get why other people don't put in effort. I'm not asking that they message me all the time or invite me to gatherings all the time, but even occasionally would be nice, just so it appears like they have some interest in me. I know that if they're not putting in any effort then they're probably not worth having as friends or acquaintances, but when it's all you have, it's a big deal to burn that bridge, which I have done plenty times, leading to where I am now, with barely anyone in my life. Where I've been used, abused, mistreated, etc, I cut the link without regret, but where the relationship has hints of behaviour that I struggle with myself to tolerate, I accept it, a little painfully at times. just to have that relationship. I know people have busy lives, I get it, but when you see them putting in effort elsewhere and never toward you, it hurts.

I agree with your assessment Okidoke and have experienced the same in my life relationships. I can think of 3 reasons why my long time friends and family respond favorably to me but rarely initiate contact or action.

First, they all have families, unlike me, which not only consume most of their time and attention, but also satisfies their relational needs. Second, they're lazy like most people, being receptive to staying in touch but failing in practice unless somebody reaches out to them. And third, they're selfish like most people, being focused on their own lives' concerns rather than others'.

Despite the shortcomings, our need for relationships justifies the constant effort it takes to pursue and maintain them. For me, I'd rather give 80% and get 20% back than live without relationships. That may not seem fair in the short run, but in the long run I'm rewarded in heaven for the unconditional love I've shown others.

 

[okidoke]

I agree with your assessment Okidoke and have experienced the same in my life relationships. I can think of 3 reasons why my long time friends and family respond favorably to me but rarely initiate contact or action.

First, they all have families, unlike me, which not only consume most of their time and attention, but also satisfies their relational needs. Second, they're lazy like most people, being receptive to staying in touch but failing in practice unless somebody reaches out to them. And third, they're selfish like most people, being focused on their own lives' concerns rather than others'.

Despite the shortcomings, our need for relationships justifies the constant effort it takes to pursue and maintain them. For me, I'd rather give 80% and get 20% back than live without relationships. That may not seem fair in the short run, but in the long run I'm rewarded in heaven for the unconditional love I've shown others.

Obvious and uninterested I would also add to your list.