Jokes

[Minus]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting In a chair . . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

 

[NeverMore]

^haha that was a good one minus

 

[Sanal]

I have this real life joke to share.
This happened between my frnd and his gf. Actually this is from a local album here. I think my frnd just copied it.


OKay so his gf was sayin something like:
"When I complete studyin, I wanna help poor people. I want to leave my life completely for them. I will make places for them to live and give them free accomodation there"

My frnd: *coughs*

His gf: "what?"

My frnd: "nothin I m just allergic to BULLSHIT.."

 

[Estreen]

 

[Sanal]

I have another joke too. This is not a real one but we made this up to make fun of our friend. He was really a goof. He always does the wrong thing at the wrong time. His name is Jj.

Okay so the story goes like this.
Once Jj went to one of his relative’s house to stay overnight. Relative’s name was Sid. Jj did not know anything much about Sid coz it been a long time since they’ve met. The man was very happy to see Jj.

After dinner Sid said “You can sleep in baby’s room”. Jj thought for a moment. If he stays in baby’s room, he wouldn’t be able to sleep properly coz the baby might cry or make cranky noises. He insisted that he would sleep on the couch. After a long argument, Sid finally agreed.

The next day Jj woke up n he went straight up to Kitchen only to find a beautiful girl sitting there.
He said “What? How? But, Where? What the..? Where did you come from? Who are you?
Girl “Hi. My name is baby. I m Sid’s daughter. Who are you?”

Jj ”Never mind. I m just a dumbass”

 

[Estreen]

Hahahahaha.

 

[evanescencefan91]

bwahahahahhahahaa

shoot and a miss for ya Jj

lol


okay i have one

what is red and smells like blue paint?
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RED PAINT!

XD

 

[Bluey]

Sorry to be the geek here but this is something I just come across that I thought was interesting.

 

[Sanal]

RE: Jokes

bwahahahahhahahaa

shoot and a miss for ya Jj

lol


okay i have one

what is red and smells like blue paint?
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RED PAINT!

XD

ROFL...

 

[Sanal]

Sorry to be the geek here but this is something I just come across that I thought was interesting.

hahahaha




But i dint get it?

 

[Bluey]

But i dint get it?

its just a defansashon of what laughter means for Emerson. I thought it was interesting. I do think laughter can be the best Madison you can get for a lot of things.

 

[Minus]

RED PAINT!

 

[evanescencefan91]

okay

why does it take over 200 sperm to fertalize one egg

becuase they won't stop to ask for directions


( i thought it was kinda funny it was in my pysche book)

 

[Sanal]

hahahha. that was a good one

 

[evanescencefan91]

thanks

 

[Minus]

becuase they won't stop to ask for directions

 

[Minus]

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety and every woman
needs

something to protect herself with, right??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
itcouldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs
to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HECK!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst
would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where
it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently
I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of
smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe
came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'

 

[Bluey]

lol ^

Lipstick in School (Priceless!)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had be en to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers .. and then there are educators.

 

[Minus]

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

 

[Sanal]

HAHAHAHHA. that was hilarious