Jokes

[Bluey]

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof!... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.


After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength and the tools to cross the river.'


Poof!... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.


Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.'


Poof!... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked two hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

 

[Minus]

 

[evanescencefan91]

i love that joke it's great

 

[Minus]

Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

"Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer."
~Jack Handey


"If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me."
~Jack Handey


"The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. 'Sorry,' he said with a smile."
~Jack Handey


"I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?"
~Jack Handey


"If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy."
~Jack Handey

"You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)"
~Jack Handey


"I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, 'What was THAT?!'"
~Jack Handey

 

[Incognita]

>>> Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese <<<

That's not right! ................................... Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive? ............................. Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP ; .................................... Kum Hia Nao

Small Horse .......................... Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? ......................... Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table! ...................... Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift! ....................... Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here! .............................Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet! .........................Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone! ..................... No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week! .................... Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight ................... Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile ..................... Wa Shing Ka

Your body odour is offensive ......................... Yu Stin Ki Pu

 

[Incognita]

woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

 

[Minus]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

 

[evanescencefan91]

lmao


thats a good one

 

[GHOSTNYOURMIST]

woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Now thats funny!
I've told that one 10 times today.
Thanks for the laugh!

 

[Incognita]

for real? to me its a joke for little kids like in 1st grade. Did you tell it to kids?

 

[GHOSTNYOURMIST]

for real? to me its a joke for little kids like in 1st grade. Did you tell it to kids?

Well, I never said the people I work with are very mature.
And I did like it.

 

[Minus]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well, I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."

The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

 

[Bluey]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well, I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."

The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

HA HA HA HA LMAO Oh dear! lol

 

[Bluey]

lol this good

http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/rake_bush4.swf

 

[Minus]

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb. potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

(I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks

 

[evanescencefan91]

rofl

omg minus

that is great!

XD

 

[alonelyshyboy]

Hi neighbour, noticed that you're from Adelaide as well!

 

[samba101]

Hi alonelyshyboy, yes been living here for 1 1/2 years now in campbelltown on the eastern side of town, wishing I could move back to New Zealand though but alas unless I win lotto I don't think that will happen.

Where abouts do you live?

 

[EveWasFramed]

You may post any link you like just as long as it don't lead to porn

I know what you mean tho. I have looked for friendship forums that are moor local to me. Not dating ones as I would feel moor comfortable in a friendship forum. But I did not have much luck ether. There all dating ones. And normally if your a guy you have to pay. How sexiest is that?

No porn? Bluey, you prude. lol j/k jono.

 

[Sanal]

20 greatest oneliners!!!
1. Regular naps prevent old age… especially if you take them while driving.
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
5. A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school uniforms.
6. Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
7. Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without… but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.
8. You can’t buy love . . but you pay heavily for it.
9. True friends stab you in the front.
10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
14. Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
16. It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.
20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books