Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:
Blondes dumb?!?!?
After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a
blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food
to replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk
and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty
hot,so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde
walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a
blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food
to replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk
and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty
hot,so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde
walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
soresoul
Well-known member
A man walked into a bar and ordered a twelve-year old scotch. As the
bartender was busy, he decided to serve the guy whatever he had under
his hand.
The fellow took a sip, spat it out, and told the bartender, "I asked
for a twelve-year old scotch and not a three year-old one."
When the bartender heard that, he checked the bottle and was amazed
that the fellow was right -- he had served him a three-year old
scotch. The bartender wanted to see how good the fellow was, so he
served him another scotch, this one a six-year old.
The guy had a sip and spat it out, complaining, "I asked for a
twelve-year old scotch and not a six-year old one."
The bartender was surprised by how good this fellow was. So the barman
decided to play one more little game. He served the customer a
nine-year-old scotch instead of a twelve-year old one as requested.
The fellow had a sip and spat it out, stating, "I think I asked for a
twelve-year old scotch and not a nine-year old one."
The bartender was very impressed and finally served him the demanded
twelve-year-old scotch.
The customer took a sip and added, "This is what I asked in the first
place."
At the end of the counter sat a man who had witnessed this scene. He
sent a tumbler to the scotch expert and asked him to have a sip.
The fellow did so and spat it out and said, "Good Lord, that's piss."
The other man added, "Now tell me how old I am."
bartender was busy, he decided to serve the guy whatever he had under
his hand.
The fellow took a sip, spat it out, and told the bartender, "I asked
for a twelve-year old scotch and not a three year-old one."
When the bartender heard that, he checked the bottle and was amazed
that the fellow was right -- he had served him a three-year old
scotch. The bartender wanted to see how good the fellow was, so he
served him another scotch, this one a six-year old.
The guy had a sip and spat it out, complaining, "I asked for a
twelve-year old scotch and not a six-year old one."
The bartender was surprised by how good this fellow was. So the barman
decided to play one more little game. He served the customer a
nine-year-old scotch instead of a twelve-year old one as requested.
The fellow had a sip and spat it out, stating, "I think I asked for a
twelve-year old scotch and not a nine-year old one."
The bartender was very impressed and finally served him the demanded
twelve-year-old scotch.
The customer took a sip and added, "This is what I asked in the first
place."
At the end of the counter sat a man who had witnessed this scene. He
sent a tumbler to the scotch expert and asked him to have a sip.
The fellow did so and spat it out and said, "Good Lord, that's piss."
The other man added, "Now tell me how old I am."
M
MissGuided
Guest
A blond in a little red sports car gets pulled over. The very tall policeman walks over to the side of her car. He reaches down and starts to unzip his fly...and she says "Oh God, not another breathalyzer test!".
L
Lonely in BC
Guest
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.
As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says:
'SEX FROGS'
Only £20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to Pete the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'
As Pete packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully
She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. Pete says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, Pete is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The **** frog just SITS there!'
Pete . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:
'LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE MORE TIME... '
As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says:
'SEX FROGS'
Only £20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to Pete the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'
As Pete packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully
She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. Pete says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, Pete is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The **** frog just SITS there!'
Pete . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:
'LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE MORE TIME... '
L
Lonely in BC
Guest
A far more accurate account of
the events of that fateful morning....
Baby bear goes downstairs,
sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is
empty. 'Who's been eating my
porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the
big table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl and it
is also empty. 'Who's been eating
my porridge?!?' he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head
through the serving hatch from
the kitchen and yells, 'For God's
sake, how many times do I have
to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up
first. It was Mummy Bear who
woke everyone in the house. It was
Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded
the dishwasher from last night and
put everything away. It was
Mummy Bear who swept the floor
in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear
who went out in the cold early
morning air to fetch the newspaper
and croissants. It was Mummy
Bear who set the **** table.
'It was Mummy Bear who walked
the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's
litter tray, gave them their food,
and refilled their water.
'And now that you've decided to
drag your sorry bear-asses
downstairs and grace Mummy
Bear with your grumpy presence,
listen carefully, because I'm only
going to say this once....
'I HAVEN'T MADE THE
F*#%ING PORRIDGE YET'
the events of that fateful morning....
Baby bear goes downstairs,
sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is
empty. 'Who's been eating my
porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the
big table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl and it
is also empty. 'Who's been eating
my porridge?!?' he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head
through the serving hatch from
the kitchen and yells, 'For God's
sake, how many times do I have
to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up
first. It was Mummy Bear who
woke everyone in the house. It was
Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded
the dishwasher from last night and
put everything away. It was
Mummy Bear who swept the floor
in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear
who went out in the cold early
morning air to fetch the newspaper
and croissants. It was Mummy
Bear who set the **** table.
'It was Mummy Bear who walked
the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's
litter tray, gave them their food,
and refilled their water.
'And now that you've decided to
drag your sorry bear-asses
downstairs and grace Mummy
Bear with your grumpy presence,
listen carefully, because I'm only
going to say this once....
'I HAVEN'T MADE THE
F*#%ING PORRIDGE YET'
M
MissGuided
Guest
Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."
Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.
Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."
Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.
Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
Lone Apothecary
Well-known member
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave it to her.
BrokenInside
Well-known member
- Joined
- Sep 13, 2012
- Messages
- 1,501
- Reaction score
- 1
He: Do you love coz my dad left me a fortune?
She: No, silly! I'd love you no matter who left you the money!
She: No, silly! I'd love you no matter who left you the money!
painter's radio
Well-known member
Lone Apothecary said:
lol
Two flies were having an argument on a saucepan. One flew off the handle.
W
WildernessWildChild
Guest
They Walk Among Us
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge (still working), he put it in his front garden and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale £10.'
The next day someone stole it!
They walk amongst us!
-------------------------------------
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted..... "Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up in the sky and said..."Where?"
They walk among us!
----------------------------------------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked the Estate Agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for some time. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'
They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our works canteen,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said
she "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the boot.
They Walk Among Us!
-------------------------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office to report the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.
'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time then said "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
They Walk Among Us!
============================
And last, but not least:
Dumb as a box of Rocks
TRUE STORY:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi (Speaker of the United States House of Representatives) happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history"
Sadly, they walk among us! And, MORE sadly, hold high offices !!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
TrafficCamera
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You can't fix stupid.
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge (still working), he put it in his front garden and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale £10.'
The next day someone stole it!
They walk amongst us!
-------------------------------------
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted..... "Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up in the sky and said..."Where?"
They walk among us!
----------------------------------------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked the Estate Agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for some time. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'
They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our works canteen,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said
she "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the boot.
They Walk Among Us!
-------------------------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office to report the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.
'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time then said "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
They Walk Among Us!
============================
And last, but not least:
Dumb as a box of Rocks
TRUE STORY:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi (Speaker of the United States House of Representatives) happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history"
Sadly, they walk among us! And, MORE sadly, hold high offices !!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
TrafficCamera
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You can't fix stupid.
U
ucxb
Guest
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and always likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and always likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead
P
perfanoff
Guest
ucxb said:
Russian school. First day of classes. They are given to write an essay: "What did I do in the summer"
Ivan asks:
- Petka, what to write? We've been drinking all summer, nothing else.
Petka answers:
- Ivan, instead of "drink", write "read". Read all summer sounds nice...
The next day, the teacher goes over Ivan's essay:
"I woke up and I started reading. After that I took a shower. I went back to reading. Before breakfast I read some more. I had breakfast. Until lunch, I also read. I had lunch. After that I felt sleepy. Before taking a nap, I read a bit more. I finished reading the book. I napped. I woke up and started reading. Petka came. You could see from a mile that he had been reading. We went on the veranda. Sitting and reading. Peter comes and asks us: "Do you have anything to read"? He had the look of a well-read guy.... he reached in his backpack and took out an entire series".
BrokenInside
Well-known member
- Joined
- Sep 13, 2012
- Messages
- 1,501
- Reaction score
- 1
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
P
perfanoff
Guest
hehe
U
ucxb
Guest
Carla: You should have just asked him out. Men love that.
Dr. Cox: No, Carla. Men don't love that. It turns out we don't love picnics, foreplay, candles, baths, photo albums or when you drive so that we can "relax" and, as always, we're not that big on Hugh Jackman. Lookit, the only thing men actually care about as far as dating is concerned is "The Chase." If you want that guy to look your way, listen to me carefully, ignore the living hell out of him.
Carla: That's the worst advice I've ever heard!
~ Scrubs
Dr. Cox: No, Carla. Men don't love that. It turns out we don't love picnics, foreplay, candles, baths, photo albums or when you drive so that we can "relax" and, as always, we're not that big on Hugh Jackman. Lookit, the only thing men actually care about as far as dating is concerned is "The Chase." If you want that guy to look your way, listen to me carefully, ignore the living hell out of him.
Carla: That's the worst advice I've ever heard!
~ Scrubs
U
ucxb
Guest
Life Before Computers
An application was for employment,
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity,
A keyboard was a piano!
Compress was something you did to garbage,
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for a while!
Log on was adding wood to a fire,
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife,
Paste - you did with glue.
A web was a spiders home,
And a virus was the flu!
:shy:
An application was for employment,
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity,
A keyboard was a piano!
Compress was something you did to garbage,
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for a while!
Log on was adding wood to a fire,
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife,
Paste - you did with glue.
A web was a spiders home,
And a virus was the flu!
:shy:
BrokenInside
Well-known member
- Joined
- Sep 13, 2012
- Messages
- 1,501
- Reaction score
- 1
Lol
