I'm so ******* lonely. I'm in so much ******* pain. I'm in an absolutely massive amount of pain. I literally wanted to ******* cry on the bus home. I literally just wanted to ******* cry. I wanted to let the tears just flow. I wanted to let them just flow out of me. I wanted to take my pain and just shower myself with it.
I see so many ******* beautiful girls every day. At least 15-20 beautiful women every ******* day. Every day is a brand new one. Every single ******* day. And I'm not with them. At all. I have no ability to talk to them. I have no ability to start a conversation with them. I want them. They're ******* gorgeous and I want them. But, I can't talk to them. I want to start a conversation with them, but I don't. I sit there for most of the ride, just thinking about how badly I want them, and then the ride is over. I get off, feeling like I left a part of me in that ******* train or bus. I feel physically cut every single time I get off the bus and don't talk to a girl that I like. I feel physically ******* cut. I feel physical pain.
Every single time. And there is no avoiding that pain. There is no escaping that pain. And it adds up. It's like a wound that can never heal. It's a wound that is never healing. Ever - because it constantly gets cut. Every single beautiful girl that I don't talk to adds salt to a wound that just won't heal.
And by the time I get home, I'm wallowing in ******* loneliness. I'm wallowing in emptiness. I'm wallowing in pain. And then I go and journal.
It really just blocks out the sun. On a grand scale. It blocks out the sun.I try to fill the hole but it just won't get filled. I try to run away from the pain but it just gets worse (by going into WoW).
I don't know why I'm posting this here, I guess I just want support. I like the realization that I'm in physical pain every single time this happens.
Or maybe secretly I hope that some lonely girl reads this and happens to live in my area. (New York City).