Just don't know where to start in conversation

[stinky_cheese_dude]

I'm in an awkward situation. Professionally, I can talk to my clients, either via Skype or in the case of more local ones, face to face. I constantly steer talk to work, as I don't like idle chat about the weather etc.

I could talk to a checkout assistant - if they start talking to me, or make some comments about my purchases. I hate those people who come up and say 'anything I can help you with?' when you're browsing a store. I get it though, I used to work retail, but it's annoying.

But socially, I cannot start a conversation. I'm stuck. Just even saying 'hi' is terrifying to me - it fills me with dread. Because more often than not, I just don't have any desire to go through the whole small talk (from the 'how are you?' to 'what do you do?'). I have come to realise from counselling this is due to the massive number of conversational failures since school (I'm now 40). Again, talking to my counsellor is 'professional' I guess, but there have been times I just clammed up and she got very concerned because I just can't express myself.

I tried some tips people gave me, but got so hung up on if I was doing it right I guess people saw that, and I still failed to captivate anyone.

This applies online too. I have tried social groups, even participated in testing for social networks specifically for people of a more lonely nature, but cannot break past that "Hi" moment. In chat groups I try to keep myself in (the desire to just quit altogether is strong) I just login, watch the conversation and then quit because I get too anxious.

I'd rather other people start the conversation - that way I know someone is interested in me. But how would you break this cycle? I don't have social contact with people other than shopping or work. Ideas on a postcard....

 

[ladyforsaken]

I always have the issue with starting a conversation myself. I will spend so much time and anxiety thinking and conjuring the confidence to speak up and say hi that by the time I want to, that person would have walked away or be engaged with something else.

These days, whenever I get like that, I just push myself to just start of with a smile and a "Hey". I tell myself it's okay if no conversation starts, the point is to make myself feel comfortable making that first step to say the first word. I figure I'll slowly fill in with things to say as a conversation starter as soon as I start feeling comfortable doing this.

Now I'm comfortable with being the first to say "hey". I am just still struggling with starting a conversation after that. Some days I seem to be able to do it, some days I just find myself stuck and not know what to say.... I just hope I don't make peopple feel awkward. :|

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

I think people tend to overthink both what they are going to say, and how people are going to react to them. Relax. Start with hi. Say a random thought. Eventually, something sticks.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Yeah I can understand. I totally relate with you, at one point in my life I suffered with social anxiety and I was constantly afraid of what people would think of me? OMG are they going to think I'm weird. What are they going to say if I just walk up to them and say hello? Are they going to give me a weird look? Your mind goes into overdrive assuming all these horrible possibilities of what people will say to you. If people end up looking at you weird, just walk away and try again with somebody else. However you may find someone who will end up liking you and that will talk back with you. You just need to find the people who connect with you. It's easier said than done I know cause your so nervous. Just give it a try one day. If you're nervous try sitting down. Do a couple of breathing exercises to relax your heart rate. Once your calm, walk up to someone who you want to talk with and say a simple Hello. Just one Hello and see how they react.

If they end up looking at you weird move onto somebody else. I've done it and gotten a lot of weird looks. I'm a totally random person and I like communicating with different people. Once I was Target ((store)) and I liked these girls shoes. I was looking at shirts and pants and I finally just looked up at her and said, "Wow I love your shoes, they're awesome! Where did you get them?" She looked up at me smiled and said, "Oh thank you!" Than she ended up telling me where she got them and we got into a brief conversation. We chatted for about five minutes and than she had to go cause she was meeting up with her boyfriend somewhere.

I know it may be extremely hard for you right now for you to be able to do this, but trust me you'll get there. Just have faith in yourself. =)

 

[Maggie71]

I wish I had some advice or tips to offer you, but I'm in a similar position. I actually read your post about an hour ago, and wanted to respond, but got so wound up and anxious at the very thought of doing so, that I couldn't.

I never know what to say, or how to say it without coming across as a weirdo and/or bore. I tend to just watch from the sidelines. Even now, I'm overthinking this. Carefully considering every word. It seems ridiculous, I know, but I have felt this awkwardness and disconnect my entire life. At times, I would love to change and have tried to follow all the advice I could get. At one point, I was devouring self-help books until I became utterly frustrated. What was so wrong with just being me? Why wasn't that acceptable or enough? I convinced myself that I am fine as I am, and I don't need close friends, a social group, or social life, and mostly I am okay with it. There are also times when I yearn for those things. I know that I am a slow burner when it comes to a relationships, and most people I have encountered either move on quickly, presuming I'm not interested, or mistake my awkwardness and shyness for aloofness. I do know that those I do spend time with on a regular basis (work colleagues), seem to like me. I can be warm and funny and I know I both care and try. These relationships don't develop though. I don't socialise with any of them. (I think I turned down one too many invitations, and so don't get asked now.) The 2 friends I do have aren't close by. I have acquaintances and I can have a passing conversation in the supermarket, but it seems like such an effort and I sometimes find it so vapid and bland. I can put on a good act, though. Laugh and nod in the right places, etc. Of course, I beat myself up afterwards for thinking those things.

I've probably gone on long enough here and, obviously, am already doubting if this is a worthwhile contribution, anyway. What the hell! I should just embrace the drug induced fake confidence and hit send.

I suppose all I'm trying to say is that I understand.

Hope today is a good day for everyone.
Best,

Maggie.

 

[Maggie71]

I wish I had some advice or tips to offer you, but I'm in a similar position. I actually read your post about an hour ago, and wanted to respond, but got so wound up and anxious at the very thought of doing so, that I couldn't.

I never know what to say, or how to say it without coming across as a weirdo and/or bore. I tend to just watch from the sidelines. Even now, I'm overthinking this. Carefully considering every word. It seems ridiculous, I know, but I have felt this awkwardness and disconnect my entire life. At times, I would love to change and have tried to follow all the advice I could get. At one point, I was devouring self-help books until I became utterly frustrated. What was so wrong with just being me? Why wasn't that acceptable or enough? I convinced myself that I am fine as I am, and I don't need close friends, a social group, or social life, and mostly I am okay with it. There are also times when I yearn for those things. I know that I am a slow burner when it comes to a relationships, and most people I have encountered either move on quickly, presuming I'm not interested, or mistake my awkwardness and shyness for aloofness. I do know that those I do spend time with on a regular basis (work colleagues), seem to like me. I can be warm and funny and I know I both care and try. These relationships don't develop though. I don't socialise with any of them. (I think I turned down one too many invitations, and so don't get asked now.) The 2 friends I do have aren't close by. I have acquaintances and I can have a passing conversation in the supermarket, but it seems like such an effort and I sometimes find it so vapid and bland. I can put on a good act, though. Laugh and nod in the right places, etc. Of course, I beat myself up afterwards for thinking those things.

I've probably gone on long enough here and, obviously, am already doubting if this is a worthwhile contribution, anyway. What the hell! I should just embrace the drug induced fake confidence and hit send.

I suppose all I'm trying to say is that I understand.

Hope today is a good day for everyone.
Best,

Maggie.

 

[stinky_cheese_dude]

I never know what to say, or how to say it without coming across as a weirdo and/or bore. I tend to just watch from the sidelines. Even now, I'm overthinking this. Carefully considering every word. It seems ridiculous, I know, but I have felt this awkwardness and disconnect my entire life. At times, I would love to change and have tried to follow all the advice I could get. At one point, I was devouring self-help books until I became utterly frustrated. What was so wrong with just being me? Why wasn't that acceptable or enough?

Well, I often feel the same. I just logged to try and chat for what feels like the hundredth time... But the words aren't there. Funny, because it's what I was talking to my counsellor about. I can write here because it's more considered, 'in control' - the opposite in a chat room where the subject is random, and all my doubts about having something of value to say come right up in my face.

My interests are obscure - and I don't enjoy the typical things such as sports, etc. And that just compounds my anxiety at starting a conversation - 'as soon as they find out I'm into weird stuff, I'll be left on my own again.

I wish I could get some practical advice out of my counsellor at times - I see things as pretty black and white (if I do x, y will happen). But she's not giving me much to work on, and although I'm getting someone to understand how screwed up I am, I'm not really 'dealing' with the issue, at least with this method. Maybe that will change.

I'm rambling now... But thanks - thanks for at least understanding, and letting me know that.

 

[Alone By Faults]

Get past the first few moments is certainly the roughest...after that it is possible to divine what they want to talk about...chat about this and most people will carry the conversation