Learning to love your parents

[Revengineer]

I'm guessing a lot of people have trouble with this... perhaps the way their parents treated them made them bitter towards them in some way, and as a result they never considered themselves as truly "loving" their parents.

I was like that for a while but I've somewhat moved on from that. I still have a somewhat distant relationship with my folks which I feel guilty about at times. Logically I realize that my parents weren't and aren't perfect... and they did the best they could which was to give me the tools to survive in the world. But I don't have much to give back to them and I don't think they're satisfied with how I've turned out. I'm afraid to express my true self around them because I know from experience that they don't approve of that. We're just too different on a fundamental level. Raised in two different cultures, that sort of thing. So I do appreciate them but I keep most details of my life away from them. And I'm sure they want the best for me as well. It's just very... businesslike.

Is that "love"? I don't know. Definitions are a fuzzy thing to think about.

 

[Lippy_Kid]

Yes I think so, you yearn for more and are expressing that through your post. Parental love is such a background thing; sometimes we want to see it show itself but don't suppose the fact it's not often spoken of means it's not there at all. Are you after love or recognition? To feel they are proud of you...maybe thats more what you're seeking?

 

[Tiina63]

Try not to feel guilty about the fact that your relationship with your parents is distant. Taking into account that they don't approve of your true self, it would be very hard for you to feel close to them when you have to hide who you really are when you are with them.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I think there are different levels of love. Having a distant relationship with someone doesn't mean you don't love them.
For me, I do love my parents (and my sibling). However, I don't necessary like them or want to be around them all the time. I have always been the "problem child" of my family, so I tend to want to keep my distance from that and live my life as I am without their judgments of me.
Because I live close to them, I do visit them (usually once a week at least) and I talk to them on the phone, but too much time spent with my family and I tend to get claustrophobic and a panic sets in to the point where I just NEED to get away from them.

As for keeping things from them about yourself, I do that too. I guess it's a fear of rejection or pity that keeps me from telling them the more vital details of what I've done and what I've been through. All you can do is tell them how you feel and the rest is on them.

 

[licorice]

I find it hard to love my parents, as well. They were often absent and the children suffered greatly for it, though we didn't really realize it was wrong until we were older. We even lied about our home life to protect them.

I don't know what I'm supposed to feel if not ambivalence. Sometimes there's just nothing there to nurture such feelings between people.

 

[jayme89]

I'm guessing a lot of people have trouble with this... perhaps the way their parents treated them made them bitter towards them in some way, and as a result they never considered themselves as truly "loving" their parents.

I was like that for a while but I've somewhat moved on from that. I still have a somewhat distant relationship with my folks which I feel guilty about at times. Logically I realize that my parents weren't and aren't perfect... and they did the best they could which was to give me the tools to survive in the world. But I don't have much to give back to them and I don't think they're satisfied with how I've turned out. I'm afraid to express my true self around them because I know from experience that they don't approve of that. We're just too different on a fundamental level. Raised in two different cultures, that sort of thing. So I do appreciate them but I keep most details of my life away from them. And I'm sure they want the best for me as well. It's just very... businesslike.

Is that "love"? I don't know. Definitions are a fuzzy thing to think about.

woah! this is my exact relationship with my parents! "businesslike". i never thought of it that way. i don't have anything smart to say, just glad i'm not alone

 

[StarvingZombie]

There is another side to this, kids loving parents who themselves are broken just aids in their dumping all their problems/issues on their children.

My parents taught me so many destructive behaviors I am amazed at times I survived this long. Do I hate them , no , they're both dead (each dying at the hands of the individualized destructive behaviors/inner demons) , do I love them or hold them in any regard , no.

Have I perpetuated this with my children , yes. I was smart enough though to catch on to this and explained it to my kids, and then moved to the other side of the country to save them from having to watch me slowly succumb to my demons. Unfortunately they both have slight social anxieties but have never shown any signs of the far worse creatures that live in my head. My only wish is that they become ambivalent towards me before that day.