Most people would complain if they had been lonely for one year, for me it’s been more than thirty. I can’t endure the loneliness anymore. I feel that I will always be unliked by any female. I can't stand looking in the mirror, because when I do, all I can see is an ugly looser that nobody will ever want. I feel like crying whenever I see couples, knowing that I will never be loved by anyone. I hate and fear life, I must destroy myself to escape the pain of loneliness. You have to be or have the following items to have a girlfriend; lots of cash, flashy car, 6ft tall, GQ looks, and be the romance king of the world, if you don't, you might as well be dead. I’ve prayed and prayed for a girlfriend, but I will never have one, because I’m a worthless loser. I can’t hold out any longer against the life-crushing weight of loneliness. I have made too many mistakes with my life, to change my fate now. I’ve failed in every aspect of life. Even after getting my crappy little associates, I’m still only worth minimum wage. I’m a worthless piece of sh_t no matter what I do. The rules in life have little or nothing to do with respect and kindness for others, it’s all about screwing or stepping on your fellow man so that you can get to the top. I am not strong enough to deal with the everyday obstacles of life. Debt and loneliness will be the main cause of my death. I wish I could explain to anyone that would listen. I wish that there were a place, where you could go to be legally euthanized. To love and to be loved by a significant other is something that I’ve always longed for, but will never know. I’m only 5’7” tall, and not attractive, by almost anyone’s standards. Few will ever understand my mind or heart, when they pass judgment on my final action. They will say that my choice was a selfish one, when it is they who are selfish. I guess I should have gone on living a life of total depression, loneliness, and hopelessness, so that they wouldn’t feel uncomfortable dealing with choice I’ve made. They will probably say, why didn’t he seek help. After seeking help in the past, I usually ended up in worse shape, because I then had to pay a large bill, for the little help that I’d received. If I had some sort of deficiency, other than serotonin, like white blood cells, or antibodies, people would think of me differently. People have sympathy for someone that is dying from a weak heart, or bad liver, but will ignorantly judge someone that has an imbalance with their brain chemistry. A person with a mental illness will usually receive the standard triple punishment scenario, first from their distorted and miserable views of themselves and life, second from other’s stigmatized attitudes towards their illness, and third from suicide. People will say that I just sat on my pity pot saying woe ways me, well what else can you do when there is no one to comfort you? You may ignorantly call it a pity party, but in reality it’s called clinical depression, get it? This type of attitude towards mental illness is why I will never be able to trust anyone. I’ll never have a wife. I love my mom and sister the most, and didn’t want to hurt them. I wanted my mom to be proud of me, but instead I’ve ended up so ashamed of everything I’ve become. If I’m too stupid to take care of myself, why should someone else have to? People tell me to buck up or pull yourself up by the bootstraps and deal with it. These are the kind of people that makes me want to share my grief with them in the form of a forty-five hollow point. Who are they to decide what level of pain and suffering I can handle or how many decades I should be able to live through the loneliness. I don’t want to live in poverty on SSD. A mental illness is the most degrading illness of them all, that’s why it’s hard for me to even show my face when I need help. Oh yea, here’s something I just remembered and thought was important to write down before I forgot it again. People don’t realize that I have all the characteristics needed to fit the profile of a mass murderer. At any time in my frustrated, confused, and lonely life, I could have done a lot of harm to many others, but didn’t. I guess not killing anyone else except myself is my way of showing that I really am a kind and gentle person. I just wanted to by loved by someone,------anyone.