My breakup with him was over a year ago. I never sent this letter...but I find myself wondering if I'll ever love someone like I loved him. The pain almost gets too much to bear when I read over this, but it somehow makes me happy to remember a time when I was so happy with him :
I’m not sure where this letter will go, or if I should even be writing it. I’m afraid that you won’t understand any of the things that I mean or that I’m trying to put across, but you’re leaving and I need to say all of these things. God knows that I’ll never be able to articulate what I want to put across in person, so hopefully I can get it down on paper.
Tonight you told me that you’re transferring schools. I never thought hearing those words would hit me as hard as they did, but to be completely honest it felt like a knife going into my stomach. I couldn’t even make it all the way to my front steps before I broke down. This sounds ridiculous because I know we hardly see each other anymore, but I lived for those days. Our time together was measured in cigarettes, and when I was next to you I felt like I could smoke until I got cancer as long as it meant sitting with you for a little bit longer. By this point I don’t even know what you think. It’s hard to tell you now because it’s been so long since we shared any mutual feelings. Yours went away but mine seem permanent. I fell in love with you. Harder than I thought was ever possible. Our breakup was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. The summer was one big bout of depression and the only thing that got me through was knowing that you’d be at school again when I was. It’s incomprehensible how quickly you got over me. I spent my days trying to figure out how I could be something you wanted again, and obviously failed. As the weeks and weeks passed I tried so hard to get over you. I made bad mistakes and gave myself to someone else, hoping that that would help. It only made things worse. Every guy I meet I instantly compare to you. I realized I was looking for another you and finally accepted that I’ll never find that.
It’s crazy. I know I’m completely crazy but it’s because I love you as much as any person can love another. I need you to know that. I need you to realize you’re lasting impression on me because the only thing harder than knowing I’ll never see you again is knowing that you have no idea what you did to me. You weren’t a regular boyfriend that comes in and out of a girl’s life, and I was never able to move past you; the thought of knowing I have to scares me more than anything else. I realize your faults and every quirky flaw, but those were the things I loved. After we broke up I accepted everything I had refused to accept before, but it was too late.
Everyday I find myself running through the mistakes I made. Why did I get so mad at you for not watching that movie with me? Why the hell did I let that guy put his arm around me when you were sitting next to me getting annoyed? I messed up. I treated us like the two-year relationship I had right before you. I said I love you before I even realized what that meant to me. You made mistakes too but I can’t help but blame myself. I lost the best thing that I ever had. I lost my best friend. This insanely unique person who was unlike anyone I had ever met. You’re the only one I could listen to talk, completely entranced the entire time, and not have to say a word. I could listen to you forever. You hold your friends on the same pedestal that I now have you on. I know it’s probably hard to read this and not laugh at my insanity, but I know you’ve felt like this before. Think about what you wrote about Skyler and imagine actually having that. Taking all of that love and having it be real. Having have had that opportunity to hold her and spend countless nights with her, only to have her leave one day a stop talking to you.
I don’t know where we diverged, and how we parted having such different ideas on what our relationship was. You’re fine by yourself. You moved on and now you have such a good life being without a girlfriend. I’ve been living in the memory of us and find myself completely changed by you. I write everyday because of you. My word doc is filled with weak lyrics and poems that I can only hope will get better with time. Pages and pages are about you. I want to be even nearly talented as you. I know I never will but I try to live up to this disgusting ideal to become a part of who you were. My favorite band and my favorite shows are yours. I smoke on a regular basis now. Any little thing reminds me of you and it gets exhausting when I try to avoid them. I find myself saying things that only you would say. It’s like I keep you alive by emulating my favorite things about you. If I had it my way I still would have been your best friend, but I know I’m not the type of person you want in your life. You were the only person I met that I could talk to endlessly and I would always feel better after. You cut ties completely. I’ll never fully understand why. Three weeks ago I slept over and for one night I was happy again. I slept on your chest and felt you breathe. I didn’t even sleep. For one night I had some optimism on being able to have you in my life again. Not even as anything remotely serious but even as a person who could just come over and hang out. I lie at night and picture you saying my favorite things. I remember the night you said you were so stoked about me and that you cared about me more than anyone else. The night you promised you’d never hurt me again and that staying with me was worth being faithful when you were back home. But none of those things mattered because you never even texted me once after that; I saw you in 711 and it was like I didn’t even exist. It was like you pretended what happened never was. I finally broke down and texted you today, and the next thing I find out is that you’re changing schools. For some reason I had this ridiculous hope that over time things might work out. That one day you’d realize how much I love you. One day you’d find yourself wanting me again. Wanting someone to have around and be able to tell anything to. Someone who knew you inside and out, accepted every flaw, and loved you in spite of them. I thought about it so much. How different it would be than what we had before, because this time every dark flaw was known and apart of what could be great. It’s my fault for still holding onto this notion and the reason that the news of you leaving hits me as hard as it would have if we had never broken up.
I’m going to miss you so much. Letting go of the person that made me realize what love was is something I’ll never get over. The main point of this letter is confusing, even to me, but I guess I just want you to know how profound of an effect you had on me. I tried telling you in the summer, but I was so emotional that I never knew if it came across as real to you or just something that would last for the first few months of losing you. I hope you find someone else that loves you this much. I know we’ll both find other people and I only hope I can have that same passion for them as I do for you and make it last this time.
Despite everything, I find myself wanting such amazing things for you. I’m trying my best to turn everything I felt for you into positive feelings when you go. I hope you do so well in Maryland. I hope you graduate with honors and become a lawyer or anything you want and that you’re amazing at it. I hope you find someone who loves you and that you can have the experience of loving her back with everything in your body. I hope that no matter what you keep writing and keep making music because you have so much talent for it. I hope you’ll be happy wherever life takes you. Maybe our paths will cross one day in the future, but that’s something we’ll never be able to know now. I really hope you take this in the way I want you to and that maybe the memory of me can be a little different than how it was when I was first losing you and acting insane.
I’m not sure where this letter will go, or if I should even be writing it. I’m afraid that you won’t understand any of the things that I mean or that I’m trying to put across, but you’re leaving and I need to say all of these things. God knows that I’ll never be able to articulate what I want to put across in person, so hopefully I can get it down on paper.
Tonight you told me that you’re transferring schools. I never thought hearing those words would hit me as hard as they did, but to be completely honest it felt like a knife going into my stomach. I couldn’t even make it all the way to my front steps before I broke down. This sounds ridiculous because I know we hardly see each other anymore, but I lived for those days. Our time together was measured in cigarettes, and when I was next to you I felt like I could smoke until I got cancer as long as it meant sitting with you for a little bit longer. By this point I don’t even know what you think. It’s hard to tell you now because it’s been so long since we shared any mutual feelings. Yours went away but mine seem permanent. I fell in love with you. Harder than I thought was ever possible. Our breakup was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. The summer was one big bout of depression and the only thing that got me through was knowing that you’d be at school again when I was. It’s incomprehensible how quickly you got over me. I spent my days trying to figure out how I could be something you wanted again, and obviously failed. As the weeks and weeks passed I tried so hard to get over you. I made bad mistakes and gave myself to someone else, hoping that that would help. It only made things worse. Every guy I meet I instantly compare to you. I realized I was looking for another you and finally accepted that I’ll never find that.
It’s crazy. I know I’m completely crazy but it’s because I love you as much as any person can love another. I need you to know that. I need you to realize you’re lasting impression on me because the only thing harder than knowing I’ll never see you again is knowing that you have no idea what you did to me. You weren’t a regular boyfriend that comes in and out of a girl’s life, and I was never able to move past you; the thought of knowing I have to scares me more than anything else. I realize your faults and every quirky flaw, but those were the things I loved. After we broke up I accepted everything I had refused to accept before, but it was too late.
Everyday I find myself running through the mistakes I made. Why did I get so mad at you for not watching that movie with me? Why the hell did I let that guy put his arm around me when you were sitting next to me getting annoyed? I messed up. I treated us like the two-year relationship I had right before you. I said I love you before I even realized what that meant to me. You made mistakes too but I can’t help but blame myself. I lost the best thing that I ever had. I lost my best friend. This insanely unique person who was unlike anyone I had ever met. You’re the only one I could listen to talk, completely entranced the entire time, and not have to say a word. I could listen to you forever. You hold your friends on the same pedestal that I now have you on. I know it’s probably hard to read this and not laugh at my insanity, but I know you’ve felt like this before. Think about what you wrote about Skyler and imagine actually having that. Taking all of that love and having it be real. Having have had that opportunity to hold her and spend countless nights with her, only to have her leave one day a stop talking to you.
I don’t know where we diverged, and how we parted having such different ideas on what our relationship was. You’re fine by yourself. You moved on and now you have such a good life being without a girlfriend. I’ve been living in the memory of us and find myself completely changed by you. I write everyday because of you. My word doc is filled with weak lyrics and poems that I can only hope will get better with time. Pages and pages are about you. I want to be even nearly talented as you. I know I never will but I try to live up to this disgusting ideal to become a part of who you were. My favorite band and my favorite shows are yours. I smoke on a regular basis now. Any little thing reminds me of you and it gets exhausting when I try to avoid them. I find myself saying things that only you would say. It’s like I keep you alive by emulating my favorite things about you. If I had it my way I still would have been your best friend, but I know I’m not the type of person you want in your life. You were the only person I met that I could talk to endlessly and I would always feel better after. You cut ties completely. I’ll never fully understand why. Three weeks ago I slept over and for one night I was happy again. I slept on your chest and felt you breathe. I didn’t even sleep. For one night I had some optimism on being able to have you in my life again. Not even as anything remotely serious but even as a person who could just come over and hang out. I lie at night and picture you saying my favorite things. I remember the night you said you were so stoked about me and that you cared about me more than anyone else. The night you promised you’d never hurt me again and that staying with me was worth being faithful when you were back home. But none of those things mattered because you never even texted me once after that; I saw you in 711 and it was like I didn’t even exist. It was like you pretended what happened never was. I finally broke down and texted you today, and the next thing I find out is that you’re changing schools. For some reason I had this ridiculous hope that over time things might work out. That one day you’d realize how much I love you. One day you’d find yourself wanting me again. Wanting someone to have around and be able to tell anything to. Someone who knew you inside and out, accepted every flaw, and loved you in spite of them. I thought about it so much. How different it would be than what we had before, because this time every dark flaw was known and apart of what could be great. It’s my fault for still holding onto this notion and the reason that the news of you leaving hits me as hard as it would have if we had never broken up.
I’m going to miss you so much. Letting go of the person that made me realize what love was is something I’ll never get over. The main point of this letter is confusing, even to me, but I guess I just want you to know how profound of an effect you had on me. I tried telling you in the summer, but I was so emotional that I never knew if it came across as real to you or just something that would last for the first few months of losing you. I hope you find someone else that loves you this much. I know we’ll both find other people and I only hope I can have that same passion for them as I do for you and make it last this time.
Despite everything, I find myself wanting such amazing things for you. I’m trying my best to turn everything I felt for you into positive feelings when you go. I hope you do so well in Maryland. I hope you graduate with honors and become a lawyer or anything you want and that you’re amazing at it. I hope you find someone who loves you and that you can have the experience of loving her back with everything in your body. I hope that no matter what you keep writing and keep making music because you have so much talent for it. I hope you’ll be happy wherever life takes you. Maybe our paths will cross one day in the future, but that’s something we’ll never be able to know now. I really hope you take this in the way I want you to and that maybe the memory of me can be a little different than how it was when I was first losing you and acting insane.
