SimizAkri
Well-known member
- Joined
- Feb 20, 2009
- Messages
- 76
- Reaction score
- 0
-I make some references here to books or movies.
~~
Listen,
To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But can't complete
Listen, to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning
To find release
Listen,
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
I heard this song being played in my household many times due to a sister who easily gets obsessed with songs sung by strong voices. I never cared for this song, to me it was just another chorus my sister attempts to challenge herself on. But today, February 2nd, I watched dreamgirls. & for the first time, I listened to this song. I watched Beyonce, or excuse me, Deena, sing it and I felt it down to my soul. A song that connected with my heart. And as I write this purging letter, tears form behind my eyes. Listen- something I have said and screamed many times. A word I have alienated myself from because no one respects it. “I am alone at a crossroads; Im not alone in my own home. Listen.” How many times did I just wish to be listened to? To be understood? To feel as if I belong. You know, I go through life hiding behind smiles and polite conversations (Big Mommas House) and I pretend. I pretend everything will be okay. I lost myself in this pretense. I don’t know who I am anymore but I didn’t even know who I was last year, the girl supposedly everyone fell in love with at the spot. That girl was probably more lost than I am; that girl was the worst kind of ignorant. The ignorance of her own life; she lived in this fantasy image she created herself, much like Laura, and lived that person. Her positive attitude sickened herself but she kept one in order to make others happy. That girl was all about making others happy, forgetting herself along the way. That girl turned in to me. The person who realized that the people she tried so hard to make happy turned their backs on her…willingly. That girl realized she’s more confused about the world then she ever thought possible. That girl realized that sometimes there are no happy endings; they’re possible but not frequent. She realized she’s more alone then she could be prepared for. She realized she would never have that bond that she wanted to desperately cry over in Bride Wars. She realized, her bestest friend in the whole world of almost 4 years, would gladly abandon her to this cold harsh world without a second glance. A best friend she devoted her life, heart, and soul to. So the girl questions, why? Why is it that people must leave her? People, who she wanted nothing more but to be a part of their lives, abandon her. Is it something on her part? Is she flawed mentally enough to divert people’s love? Is she a monster, the worse kind? Is there something she’s missing? So the girl questions herself, doubts herself and tears herself apart. She doesn’t know why everything she touches goes to waste. She doesn’t understand why this loneliness haunts her like never ending whispers of Atlantean gods. She doesn’t understand why its so hard to just be happy. She tries to not burden herself with her own thoughts and go with the flow, see what happens. But every moment to her feels like dread, feels fake, and unneeded. She forgot the sound of her own genuine laughter. The laughter that sings to the wind of the happiness that comes from deep within the soul. She forgot the joy of life. The joy she once had to be around people and get to know who they are. She seeks to have someone look at her, look at her and know who she is. Someone she thought she found twice but both have turned their backs. And she knows just because they have left it doesn’t mean they don’t know her but then it leaves to the only conclusion that they left because they do know her so well. Both say they didn’t want to leave. But who leaves unwillingly? There’s nothing stopping them; there’s no danger to her life or theirs. It’s a choice they made knowingly. So she settles…She settles and pretends the people around her are her best friends. Best friends she has no bond with, best friends who hurt her feelings, messed her over, and discarded her so many times- she’s drained of life. Best friends she makes excuses for, watched shows like Gossip Girl and thinks, well if Serena and Blaire can fresia each other over so many times and still be happy, well then she can handle screw overs. But then she realized Gossip Girl is fake and the characters played on the incredibly stereotypical show are unhappy- they think they’re happy behind their money and scandals, love and sex. But real happiness doesn’t include a drama every day of your life. That’s just a happiness created to brainwash an audience. So, after rambling, what does that girl who turned in to me conclude? That there is no place to go. She doesn’t want to hide, she doesn’t want to run, and she doesn’t want to pretend. But she doesn’t want to be alone or be filled with regret and self hatred. A quote stands up in her mind from the movie, some kind of wonderful- Id rather be with someone for the wrong reasons then be alone for the right.- Then at the end of the movie, after she has her series of epiphanies, she reverses it and says: -Id rather be alone for the right reasons than be with someone for the wrong reasons.- This is a statement that takes strength to carry out; that girl can say it so many times in her head but is too afraid to carry it out…. That girl finally knows how suicidal people feel. Though she has no specific reason for feeling this deep, unfounded depression- she can understand the need to relieve the inner pain by producing physical pain. & though she would never do so, she has a newfound respect for those who do. Dealing with a hard past is hard, but its nothing compared to dealing with yourself, dealing with the person at fault. So she ends this letter to herself with lyrics from her favorite band, sum 41.
Trying to find a way,
Getting better every day
...
All I need in this life is one
One thing to believe in
~~
Listen,
To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But can't complete
Listen, to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning
To find release
Listen,
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
I heard this song being played in my household many times due to a sister who easily gets obsessed with songs sung by strong voices. I never cared for this song, to me it was just another chorus my sister attempts to challenge herself on. But today, February 2nd, I watched dreamgirls. & for the first time, I listened to this song. I watched Beyonce, or excuse me, Deena, sing it and I felt it down to my soul. A song that connected with my heart. And as I write this purging letter, tears form behind my eyes. Listen- something I have said and screamed many times. A word I have alienated myself from because no one respects it. “I am alone at a crossroads; Im not alone in my own home. Listen.” How many times did I just wish to be listened to? To be understood? To feel as if I belong. You know, I go through life hiding behind smiles and polite conversations (Big Mommas House) and I pretend. I pretend everything will be okay. I lost myself in this pretense. I don’t know who I am anymore but I didn’t even know who I was last year, the girl supposedly everyone fell in love with at the spot. That girl was probably more lost than I am; that girl was the worst kind of ignorant. The ignorance of her own life; she lived in this fantasy image she created herself, much like Laura, and lived that person. Her positive attitude sickened herself but she kept one in order to make others happy. That girl was all about making others happy, forgetting herself along the way. That girl turned in to me. The person who realized that the people she tried so hard to make happy turned their backs on her…willingly. That girl realized she’s more confused about the world then she ever thought possible. That girl realized that sometimes there are no happy endings; they’re possible but not frequent. She realized she’s more alone then she could be prepared for. She realized she would never have that bond that she wanted to desperately cry over in Bride Wars. She realized, her bestest friend in the whole world of almost 4 years, would gladly abandon her to this cold harsh world without a second glance. A best friend she devoted her life, heart, and soul to. So the girl questions, why? Why is it that people must leave her? People, who she wanted nothing more but to be a part of their lives, abandon her. Is it something on her part? Is she flawed mentally enough to divert people’s love? Is she a monster, the worse kind? Is there something she’s missing? So the girl questions herself, doubts herself and tears herself apart. She doesn’t know why everything she touches goes to waste. She doesn’t understand why this loneliness haunts her like never ending whispers of Atlantean gods. She doesn’t understand why its so hard to just be happy. She tries to not burden herself with her own thoughts and go with the flow, see what happens. But every moment to her feels like dread, feels fake, and unneeded. She forgot the sound of her own genuine laughter. The laughter that sings to the wind of the happiness that comes from deep within the soul. She forgot the joy of life. The joy she once had to be around people and get to know who they are. She seeks to have someone look at her, look at her and know who she is. Someone she thought she found twice but both have turned their backs. And she knows just because they have left it doesn’t mean they don’t know her but then it leaves to the only conclusion that they left because they do know her so well. Both say they didn’t want to leave. But who leaves unwillingly? There’s nothing stopping them; there’s no danger to her life or theirs. It’s a choice they made knowingly. So she settles…She settles and pretends the people around her are her best friends. Best friends she has no bond with, best friends who hurt her feelings, messed her over, and discarded her so many times- she’s drained of life. Best friends she makes excuses for, watched shows like Gossip Girl and thinks, well if Serena and Blaire can fresia each other over so many times and still be happy, well then she can handle screw overs. But then she realized Gossip Girl is fake and the characters played on the incredibly stereotypical show are unhappy- they think they’re happy behind their money and scandals, love and sex. But real happiness doesn’t include a drama every day of your life. That’s just a happiness created to brainwash an audience. So, after rambling, what does that girl who turned in to me conclude? That there is no place to go. She doesn’t want to hide, she doesn’t want to run, and she doesn’t want to pretend. But she doesn’t want to be alone or be filled with regret and self hatred. A quote stands up in her mind from the movie, some kind of wonderful- Id rather be with someone for the wrong reasons then be alone for the right.- Then at the end of the movie, after she has her series of epiphanies, she reverses it and says: -Id rather be alone for the right reasons than be with someone for the wrong reasons.- This is a statement that takes strength to carry out; that girl can say it so many times in her head but is too afraid to carry it out…. That girl finally knows how suicidal people feel. Though she has no specific reason for feeling this deep, unfounded depression- she can understand the need to relieve the inner pain by producing physical pain. & though she would never do so, she has a newfound respect for those who do. Dealing with a hard past is hard, but its nothing compared to dealing with yourself, dealing with the person at fault. So she ends this letter to herself with lyrics from her favorite band, sum 41.
Trying to find a way,
Getting better every day
...
All I need in this life is one
One thing to believe in
