Loneliness and frustration during divorce

[sally]

I am going through a divorce. I am in my early 30s. Apart from the emotional turmoil and stress, loneliness and sexual frustration has been a big problem. I live alone now but meet up with friends a few times a week, and in this internet age I chat online to some people. So loneliness is a problem but not that big a problem as sexual frustration. Both casual sex and masturbation are against my morals but I don't know how to turn off my sexual needs either. I feel I couldn't have casual sex with someone I don't know, and I know from personal experience that masturbation is harmful. My ex was addicted to porn and masturbation and that is the primary reason for the divorce, he preferred to get off to awful kinds of porn rather than have sex with me, he had warped his mind to such an extent that vanilla sex with a real woman was no longer appealing and he couldn't do it. I don't want to get into these fantasies and meaningless sex, but at the same time I am not divorced yet so sex with a real person is not even an option. I also put on a lot of weight due to depression/stress.

Loneliness is a real problem too when I start thinking about it. I have these thoughts about never finding someone to love me or have sex with me and ending up alone and never having kids. This marriage was awful and I feel I don't want to try this institution any more. Even dating scares me. I feel I cannot trust anyone and I don't want to have my heart broken anymore. It is better to be lonely than risk betrayal. All options seem lose-lose. I hope this is a passing phase and I get out of this funk soon.

So if women on this forum have faced these problems during a divorce, please help.

 

[Danielle]

Hi there and welcome. I have never been through a divorce, but I have dealt with a break up after being with someone for 12 years...living with them for 9 of those years. For me, it was very difficult, but i didn't experience any sexual frustration.

I respect that you are not into have casual sex and many people feel that way. I did engage in casual sex, and still will from time to time.. it def. helps with any tension that builds up. I am also not opposed to masturbation. I know in your post you wrote that: "I know from personal experience that masturbation is harmful"... but do you only feel its harmful because of the situations regarding what happened in your relationship? or do you feel it is physically harmful? I know you also mention it is against your morals, but my question to you is... "why"?

masturbation is a healthy, and very normal activity for people, men and women to engage in, and it is a quick release of any pent up sexual frustration, and a chance to learn about yourself. I just wonder, what it is about masturbation that you disagree with.

anyway, there are many here that can offer advice and I hope you find your time on this site helpful and fun.

 

[*heretostay*]

i havent faced these problems in divorce- only in marriage. My husband is also addicted to porn and would rather jack off then have sex with me. I also have put on weight and my self-esteem is pretty low. I went through a stage of such rage brought on by the lying but also by the sexual frustration. I dont have casual sex. its not a moral issue for me its a health issue. Id rather be sexually frustrated then get some STD. I would never have sex with someone i didnt plan on spending the rest of my life with.

But this divorce has put a mirror up in front of what you have become during all of this. you have become lonely, fearful, and unhealthy. you have a lot of emotional healing ahead of you, but you can do it. I am doing it too. I dont have sex with my husband anymore because I want more for myself. Im starting to respect myself and gain that part of me that i lost. ive enrolled in school, gotten a job, and am starting to eat healthy and work out again. im becoming my old self again. You can do it too. you're at the beginning of a long healing process but keep your mind set on who you want to be and you'll get there.

 

[coricopat]

Casual sex is definitely a risk, and a much bigger risk if you're female.

Masturbation is pretty safe. Your ex has problems, but masturbation isn't really it. You don't have to stare at graphic kinky porn to be able to get off. Almost all guys masturbate, but manage to remain pretty normal, and still very much prefer sex with real live women.

You don't have to worry about turning into your X by paying attention to your own needs. Sexual frustration isn't something you can will away.


heretostay-your story is uplifting. I'm glad you came through all that with your self-esteem intact.