rockyracoon
Member
- Joined
- Dec 18, 2010
- Messages
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Hello there
This post will just be some kind of synopsis of what I'm living.
You don't have to read through it, I'm just writing this to put some order in my ideas and feeling and to say some stuff out loud.
For a long time, until I was 16 I think, I've always been much of loner. Most of the time I've been rejected by others but I really didn't mind because I preferred solitude.
And now (I'm 19), it's the opposite, my loneliness is killing me. I'm not rejected anymore but I don't have any close friend, I just don't get too close to people. That's still not much of a problem though because it's not friends I need, I might get back to that later.
My days basically consist of me making various stuff on my computer without much contact with the 'outside world', except on school days.
About three years back I was in a special class with people of different ages. And there was that girl called Mylène which is one of the two only girls who've ever talked to me (except of course in special contexts that require it). She was gentle and funny and smart and beautiful and everything so she's really one I won't forget. I haven't seen her again since then, but she has probably forgot about me because I'm not talkative at all and discussions always ended in a long silence.
I think it would be my primary problem, I'm boring cause I don't talk much and there's nothing very interesting to say about me.
To make things worse, for about two years now I've had that terrible skin disease and I go out as rarely as possible because I hate to show my face. And that's something else that make it hard to talk with others.
And there are some other things that just make it all worse, such as my parents doing their best to put me down (that will range from keeping me from sleeping to always humiliating me when there's people around).
About four years back, when I was in mid school, I went though a big depression (the kind that makes you lose half your weight), I managed to get over it but now I feel it's slowly coming back. Because whenever I remember I'm 19 I realize that my life has been totally empty so far, I will soon turn 20 and it will all be wasted lifetime.
So as I stated earlier, I know having friends won't help me, I want someone to love but in my situation it's not quite possible. So what I'm doing now is I'm kinda waiting until my situation can improve. I can't talk or even stay with people I don't know because I'm feeling bad because of the disease so it's not even possible to try and start a conversation despite the fact that it wouldn't last long.
I think I've said everything I wanted to say.
I have to thank you if you've read this far, but you really didn't have to. I'm playing the don't-mind-me, it's just I hate to waste other's time for just talking about me me me. I'm not really seeking help, I've just needed to write it all down for a while.
Anyway, thanks.
This post will just be some kind of synopsis of what I'm living.
You don't have to read through it, I'm just writing this to put some order in my ideas and feeling and to say some stuff out loud.
For a long time, until I was 16 I think, I've always been much of loner. Most of the time I've been rejected by others but I really didn't mind because I preferred solitude.
And now (I'm 19), it's the opposite, my loneliness is killing me. I'm not rejected anymore but I don't have any close friend, I just don't get too close to people. That's still not much of a problem though because it's not friends I need, I might get back to that later.
My days basically consist of me making various stuff on my computer without much contact with the 'outside world', except on school days.
About three years back I was in a special class with people of different ages. And there was that girl called Mylène which is one of the two only girls who've ever talked to me (except of course in special contexts that require it). She was gentle and funny and smart and beautiful and everything so she's really one I won't forget. I haven't seen her again since then, but she has probably forgot about me because I'm not talkative at all and discussions always ended in a long silence.
I think it would be my primary problem, I'm boring cause I don't talk much and there's nothing very interesting to say about me.
To make things worse, for about two years now I've had that terrible skin disease and I go out as rarely as possible because I hate to show my face. And that's something else that make it hard to talk with others.
And there are some other things that just make it all worse, such as my parents doing their best to put me down (that will range from keeping me from sleeping to always humiliating me when there's people around).
About four years back, when I was in mid school, I went though a big depression (the kind that makes you lose half your weight), I managed to get over it but now I feel it's slowly coming back. Because whenever I remember I'm 19 I realize that my life has been totally empty so far, I will soon turn 20 and it will all be wasted lifetime.
So as I stated earlier, I know having friends won't help me, I want someone to love but in my situation it's not quite possible. So what I'm doing now is I'm kinda waiting until my situation can improve. I can't talk or even stay with people I don't know because I'm feeling bad because of the disease so it's not even possible to try and start a conversation despite the fact that it wouldn't last long.
I think I've said everything I wanted to say.
I have to thank you if you've read this far, but you really didn't have to. I'm playing the don't-mind-me, it's just I hate to waste other's time for just talking about me me me. I'm not really seeking help, I've just needed to write it all down for a while.
Anyway, thanks.
