Yes...figthing with myself indeed. Maybe that's why I go to women...if only for a while
I can stop fighting myself. Please her, love her or whatever it is I'll do..even if she takes
advantage of me sometimes...it's still not as painful as figthing myself.
Some say to just surrender...
Surrender what?
And what in the hell dose that actaully imply?
Stop fighthing myself?. Surrender to myself?...oki doki
Surrender my pains, my sorrows, my Dis-EASE?
A quote from a recovery book.
" I've stopped figthing myself, everyone and everything around me"
"Let go, turn it over to god..." Oki doki
What If I dont believe in a GOD and if there is a god, I dont understand god?
"Im a child of god, no more nor no lesss than the moons and stars"...
If only i can believe in that at the core of my being.
I guess I'm fighting that idea and beliefs too.
So, there i was again...another bottom. Not too long ago.
I did anything and everything to make it right.
I did what was asked of me. Never enough everything i do
isnt good enough or nothing works out as they should.
Freaken a normal person wouldnt even have to go through so much length and honeysuckle would work
out for them...so why dont I get the same fucken results or sometype of positive out come?
I remember that long drive dark in the death of night, Lost and alone more than ever before.
I did all I could. I gave up...I guess I surrendered. I let go of it all. I couldnt bare that pain anymore.
I say my prayers..actaully I was crying my heart out asking for GOD's help or whatever.
Whatever power it was i didnt belive in nor even understood.
I also remember...at the break of dawn the next morning.
The phone call as I was on a highway on the road to nowhere.
She told me she loves me very much but i needed to stopped fight her.
I stood out in in the middle of nowhere and spoke to her for hours.
I didnt know what to believe...in god or in her.
I didnt know if I could trust her , god or anyone.
MAybe God did something for me I couldnt do for myself...IDK
I did made a promise to her. I've havnt made a promise to anyone for decades.
Oneday at a time. I've have been able to do that.
Not fight her, not hurt her in anyways, mentally, emotionally, phsycailly or spiritually.
So today she ask something more of me...
That I remain faithful to her. That she wants to devote her love and life to me and our children.
I promise her that I would. I've never made that promise to anyone in my life before.
Thats a lot for her and I. Thats a lot coming from her..for her to actaully come right out and
say what she feels in her heart. She means everything to me.
It's like a miracle for us to get to this piont.
I have faith in that. I believing in that. I trust in that. I trust in her.
And I whatever it is I dont fully understand
weathtever it's God, HP, the power of universe, the power of love...etc..etc
I'm not figthing whatever that dark force, evil, darkside...etc. I'm not figthing that.
I turst in that...I trust in GOD. (i guess if you want to label it as god or whatver power that is)
I'm not fighting whatever it is that's going to keep her and i apart or dystroy our love and lives.
I guess I'm kindda stop fighthing myself more and more everyday.
She's calling me right now...I guess that's another miracle.
Im grateful.
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When i first sign up to this forum there was a thread in the general or newbie section.
It kind da jump out at me. It teachings that Bruce Lee bowworred from somewhere.
There's different versions of it in the western hemosphire.
It was the message I need to hear or see.
The short version of it.
"EMPTY OUT YOUR CUP BEFORE FILLING YOUR CUP"
Or You must let go of what you have in your hands if it's full in order to revieve more.
The emptying out of my cup...pretains to my old ideas or unworkable beliefs.
Wash , rainse and repeat,...wash rainse and repeat...sometimes.
It's also a kind of universal prinicples.
I must let go of my pains, sorrows, self defeating behaiovors, lonliness, depression...etc..ect
before happiness, peace, joy, positives...etc.etc can enter my mind or life.
becuase my mind can only focus on onething at a time. Whatever that dominate thought is...is how I would live my life.
How i see myself, how I feel about myself. My perceptions of myself...is my selfworth or self esteem.
Then I notice...a self fullfling phrochecy...It made sense to me.
becuase I was also getting this very same message in recovery literature.
"WE LIVE IN ACCORDANCE TO OUR BELIEFS.
When I first sign up on here. i was in a very,very bad depression.
After living through a very toxic relationship and a death of
someone I love very much. I bascailly had PTSD which also
plays into my depression even more....
Yes..I had to force myself to go out in public...alone.
I remember going through that stage.
Being around people actaully made me feel physically sick.
I sweat and wanted to vommit.
I knew i had to get WELL. i also knew..I wasnt going to get well
automatically...it would take work and effort on my part...
Just the same as if someone got into a major physical injury.
The theorpy of learning to walk again...etc..etc.