Lonely but avoiding people

[LetItBe]

Hello everybody.

This is my first post and I've want to know if some of you share my thoughts.

I would consider myself lonely. I don't have any close friends I can talk to. I often find myself alone during breaks at school and instead of hanging out in the lunch area, I just sit with my MacBook in a corner doing all kind of stuff to kill time until next lesson. I am starting to think that maybe I'm just meant to be lonely and there's nothing I can do about it. Don't get me wrong. I do want friends, but it just seems so **** hard!

Some of you may be wondering why I'm lonely in the first place. I suffer from social anxiety and I'm currently being treated with oral medication and seeing a psychiatrist regurlaly about my problem. but she only treats the problem, not the consequences of the problem (being lonely, having no friends, no social skills etc etc.)

I don't hate myself or have low self esteem, but when I think about it, my self esteems gis hurt when I think of my lack of friends and/or social skills. I don't consider myself as ugly - about average (whatever that is...). Im a silent person and not very good a conversing with people. After saying "hi" I litteraly froze and tried to find something to talk about. Later I just stopped and avoided any kind of conversation to stop this feeling. I do want to walk with them, but being silent doesn't really help me. I'm Frosty the Snowman when girls talk to me. I often just sit at home on weekends because I don't have anything to do. I don't feel like going to parties or stuff like that, but I want to meet people and make friends. Just last week I was invited to a birthday party, but never showed up. Even in situations where you have something to say, you choose to remain quiet.

Why is it that that I'm lonely, yet I find myself avoiding people on most occasions, even if I want to make friends? I've tried the "cool loner"-attitude but it doesn't solve my problem. Being a lonely from the moment you open your eyes to the moment you close them is just not human nature. Humans are social beings even though I've tried to deny this fact.

I don't have destructive thoughts about myself, I just feel lonely and that's why I'm adressing the issue.

 

[Minus]

Welcome Purple Rain

Why is it that that I'm lonely, yet I find myself avoiding people on most occasions, even if I want to make friends?

I do that and for me it is because i am socially incompetent. I have difficulty stringing three words together. Social situations can cause a lot of stress for me.

While i may want to be involved in some social situation in an attempt to get away from the loneliness, i also tend to avoid people due to my perceived lack of social ability and due to the anxiety that social situations may cause me.

 

[Rain]

Hi Purple Rain. lol, nice name.

I know how you feel. I'm socially inept to an annoying degree; I have trouble continuing conversations face-to-face. I get caught up in the little things--do I look alright? Do they already think I'm an idiot? Do they want me to shut up?--and then my mind draws blanks, thus ending any possibility of further dialogue. What's worse is that, a few minutes later, I come up with the perfect topic/answer that I could've said, but it's too late and they've probably forgotten by then. Slow reactions much? <_<

I want friends too (hell, any kind of prolonged interaction would suffice) but I usually just mind my own business and keep quiet. I'm so afraid of rejection I don't let myself risk it. Being outgoing seems like a piece of cake to most, but to me, it's excruciating.

 

[SilentThinker]

I normally eating alone during school hours.
One of the reasons that I do not like parties simply because I felt that it is better to be alone than to be there staring at people.

I also found it hard to start or continue a conversation because some people you talked to give you one answer or just want to talk their own topic.
One of the solution that I tried is to take the initiative to invite an individual to lunch or breakfast depending on the school hours.Look out for individuals who is willing to be with you alone rather than those who wants to participate you in the group so that they can socialize with you and friends.

The reason that I recommend not to participate in the group is that quiet people are normally excluded from the group.Again,I am not saying that having a group is bad but choose a group who is willing to care about you which is rare but can be found.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Hey Purple Rain.

Well, you seemed to express yourself just fine here. Maybe it's not face to face, but you're still talking to us. Try doing whatever you did here in school or work or wherever. People don't bite... and you never know until you try. Conversation might happen easier and smoother than you really expected.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

it's call isolation....I been there and done that.

Taking a time out of life was good for me to a certain extent...but i over did it.
Maybe i just had to go into my cave and lick my wounds for a while.
I also adjusted to the isolations and became comfortible in it...after a while it got unheathly.

Maybe you're ready to come out of your shell..now.
A part of you knows this...that's probably why you're starting to reach out.

Changes is not easy...and my mind and body resisted the changes.

Just start reaching out....
It's okay...as long as you're being honest with yourself and aware of what's happening.
I had to take baby steps at first after i isolated myself from everyone for a year.
My body resisted being around people...it's wierd becuase I've always had people in my life...before i ioslated myself.
My self esteem is in the 90%...so it wasn't that. I don't lack social skills.
I had to force myself to go outside everyday...
The first couple of weeks going back to work...I had anxiety attacks being around people...eventaully i adjusted.
Today...it's in reverse...I'm surround by people 90% of my days...I have to take the time to spend time alone.
I like my alone time. I'm at peace with it. It gives me opportunity to write, journal, meditate, and sort out
issues in my life.

Only you can figure out whats really bothering you. Being honest and not living in denial is a good start.

I had trust issues . i needed to work on that.

 

[LetItBe]

Hey everybody. Thanks for your answers, really appreciate.

When a conversation opportunity comes, I just rely on short answers like "I know", "seems cool" ect. I just don't know what to without the conversation being some kind of routine. I may sound weird, but I don't really have a problem with self-esteem. I just don't know what to do in certain situations. Then this awkward silence enters and people feel silly. I feel silly too and that's why I never initiate any kind of conversation.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

well...I met a girl the other day...she basically talked my ears off.
I didn't really say much. I tried as hard as I could to not look at her
boobs.... Holy shmoly..man.

Eye contact...and being relaxed. I guess she felt comfortible with
me to share a part of her life without me being to judgemental.

Being a good listener takes practice (to stay interested).

Being able to laugh at myself takes practice and is also healing.
It also peel away some fears.
Maybe allow yourself to be silly or corny...

I hugged a tree oneday...it was silly and corny ass hell
But it help me so..so..so much from that moment on.
I obversed my body, thoughts and feelings reacted.
All kinds of fears ran through my mind. I was able to process
all those feelings and laugh about it.

Even today...I'll flop in the middle of the field or park and just lay there and
feel the earth..(without a blanket)..lol
Simple things like that helps me not worry so much about being silly.
Evidently...I don't worry too much what people think about me as they walk by.

Then i was able to transfer that experince to other aspect of
my life. What i'm saying is..I started to recognized how fears
effect my life. From that day forward..I started acting more
silly or have childish faith. The reason was...I thought
I was going to have a heart attack being serious all the time
or what my perception of a responsible adult should act like.

Half of the conversations i have with people today aren't totally serious.....seriously.
This also applies very well with my business dealings.
That's what everybody had been tell'in me...I'm easy to work with.
My business associates feel like that they can inform
me of good news or bad news. Plus it makes work more fun.
Yeah...some people are total stiffs...no charecter or no fun