Losing my best friend (to her baby)

[halfaperson]

Hello. First time poster, but I have been dropping into this forum for a few weeks now after finding it accidentally.

I thought I'd share this if only to put it in words.

My best friend is a girl I met five years ago when she started going out with one of my mates. Since then our friendship has grown to be something really important to both of us and despite some friendly flirting we've never crossed a line that would ruin our friendship, which is a relief because she ended up marrying my mate two years ago. I've often wondered what would have happened if I had met her first, but I was very pleased for them when they married as they are obviously made for each other and I don't fancy ruining that for either of them.

In these years I've been having a lot of personal problems, mostly bouts of depression, and she's the only person I trust enough to talk about it with, which has been a great help. But four weeks ago she gave birth to a beautiful daughter and I've barely seen or spoken to her since, except at group social occassions. We used to send each other text messages every day and meet up for drinks or go to the theatre at least every one or two weeks.

I knew things were going to change when she started her family (and I can tell she will make a great mother) and I don't expect her to go straight back into her old social life straight after having a baby. I just have this horrible feeling that I've been pushed down her list of priorities by the baby - if I'm honest, she's the person I care most about in the world and it was always difficult knowing that she had someone she cared more about, even if she did care for me a great amount. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for her to have the child she wanted and I don't expect her to prioritise anyone over that child. I think she's quite right to concentrate on her daughter and don't blame her in the slightest for not having as much time for me. I'm not that selfish so as to get jealous of a four-week old baby.

What is bothering me now, as I come to term with the fact that my best friend can't be my best friend any more (because she has better things in life than my friendship, I suppose) is what do I say to her? I mean, she's totally focussed on motherhood at the moment, but sooner or later she's going to notice how miserable I am, not just because of this problem but it's certainly contributing. I have an awful feeling that if I'm honest with her and say that part of the reason I feel so sad is that I feel the attention she gave me, that I relied on so often, has been taken away by her daughter, she'll end up hating me for that. And if I lie, if I stop being honest with her, well that would feel as bad as her lying to me for any reason.

I don't know what to say to her any more - I want her to know that I'm happy for her, that I care about her baby, that I have endless love for her and her friendship, but how can I do that while hiding my misery from her? I'm worried that I'll make her feel bad, either by making her feel guilty for ignoring me in favour of her baby (which she shouldn't) or just for giving her extra anxierty she doesn't really need when she has so much else to worry about.

I think that's why I decided to start posting on here as well, because if I can't talk to her about these things (and the irony is she's the one person I could trust with this, if it didn't involve her of course) then who can I talk to?

 

[SofiasMami]

Hi-
Well you can certainly talk to me about this - I've been on both sides of the equation, most recently on your friend's side. It sounds like you don't want to lose your friend; she sounds like a nice person. I say give it time. After my baby was born (she's 4 now), I simply didn't have a lot of contact with people that I loved dearly because a newborn is a 24 hour a day job, your friend is probably exhausted from inadequate sleep and everything that goes into taking care of a newborn. It's a huge job! It's possible she's even feeling guilty for not being in contact as much with her friends. Her husband is probably feeling that he's not getting the attention he used to either. It happens.
So my advice is, have patience. This will pass. Babies get easier to take care of as they get older and when your friend comes back up for air and is ready to venture out into the world with adults again, hopefully you both will still be there for each other.

Teresa

 

[VanillaCreme]

I'm sorry to say this, but her child comes before anyone, even herself.

 

[SophiaGrace]

She'll come back probably. Babies are a lot of work. :/

 

[shells]

Hi-
Well you can certainly talk to me about this - I've been on both sides of the equation, most recently on your friend's side. It sounds like you don't want to lose your friend; she sounds like a nice person. I say give it time. After my baby was born (she's 4 now), I simply didn't have a lot of contact with people that I loved dearly because a newborn is a 24 hour a day job, your friend is probably exhausted from inadequate sleep and everything that goes into taking care of a newborn. It's a huge job! It's possible she's even feeling guilty for not being in contact as much with her friends. Her husband is probably feeling that he's not getting the attention he used to either. It happens.
So my advice is, have patience. This will pass. Babies get easier to take care of as they get older and when your friend comes back up for air and is ready to venture out into the world with adults again, hopefully you both will still be there for each other.

Teresa

I'll echo this advice and I agree with the other posters.

It's difficult when those we trust are no longer available for us to confide in. It can also be hurtful when it seems like you've been placed on the back-burner, more so when you are at a time where you feel miserable.

However, keep in mind that your friend might be trying to fight through her own battles at the moment. A newborn baby, although a beautiful miracle in itself, can be a bit of a nightmare (sleep deprivation, getting up at the babies' every beck-and-call, constant crying over god knows what, etc.).

It's especially important for her to focus all of her attention on her baby right now. Babies, especially within the first year, need that interaction in order to literally function. There can be huge consequences to the baby's health (mental/physical/emotional) if that human bonding is absent.

She's hit an entirely new juncture at this point in her life, and that can be frightening, frustrating, and emotionally/physically exhausting.

Although you both can still always be friends, I think you should take this time to invest in yourself. Pick up a new hobby and put yourself out there to take advantage of meeting new people - possibly make new friends.

 

[halfaperson]

I'll echo this advice and I agree with the other posters.

Thanks Shells, and Teresa, for your perspectives. I hope I didn't come across as self-obsessed in the original post, I know the baby is #1 and wouldn't dream of disputing that. I think you are right about having patience and I am starting to realise that this is the only way our friendship can survive. I shouldn't say anything, should I? If I do she'll think me incapable of supporting her if she needs me.

Yea hate to break it to you but baby comes first, also let me throw in this tidbit of info, if you're miserable why the fresia would anyone want to hang out with you? So they can become physically sick also? wtf...read up on post partem depression and reform your ideas of depression because that honeysuckle is real and what you have is imaginary.

I think you should read up on so called 'imaginary' depression if you think that's the case. Most depressed people are still capable of having fun and being good company. I'm pretty sure I am. Your advice seems to be 'beat depression by cheering up' which is like telling someone with a fever to get better by stopping being ill.

 

[tehdreamer]

Yea hate to break it to you but baby comes first, also let me throw in this tidbit of info, if you're miserable why the fresia would anyone want to hang out with you? So they can become physically sick also? wtf...read up on post partem depression and reform your ideas of depression because that honeysuckle is real and what you have is imaginary.

I think you should read up on so called 'imaginary' depression if you think that's the case. Most depressed people are still capable of having fun and being good company. I'm pretty sure I am. Your advice seems to be 'beat depression by cheering up' which is like telling someone with a fever to get better by stopping being ill.

Seriously... I've suffered from depression for many years and I'm not 24/7 sad-sack depressed. I have times when I'm miserable and teary when things go badly in my life, but I'm still perfectly capable of being happy and having fun. Depression is not imaginary.

Anyways, back to the original topic.. I agree with what Sofia said; Just give it time. Having a newborn is tons and tons of work. I bet she misses you too. Just take some time to call or txt her and let her know you're still her friend and you're still there. She may need your shoulder to cry on at this point in her life.

 

[Nina]

If you want to really be a friend to her now, go give her a hand and help with the baby. Vacuum a floor for her, dust a room, throw a load of laundry in. It might not be theatre and drinks but it'll give you some of the attention you need as well as giving her some real help as a friend and down the road you'll know and be bonded to the baby and she'll see you as more than a shallow-good-time-Charlie sort of friend who only wants the fun. Friends are many in good times but ONLY real friends show up and change diapers...

That child will always be in her life, It's better to grow to know and love it rather than feeling it has taken something from your existence, let it ADD something special to yours and add a new and caring aspect to your friendship with the mom as well...

 

[halfaperson]

That's good advice Nina, I'll definitely take that.

 

[futurecatlady]

halfaperson, I have not experienced what you describe, but I think I know EXACTLY how you feel. It's something I am so afraid of in the future. It's not about the baby taking away her attention; of course that is going to happen and it shouldn't be any other way. It's the fact that she is entering a chapter of her life in which you simply don't play the same role you used to. I think similar things will happen when my friends get married. I am actually in the same position as you in terms of having a good friend who is also the sweetheart of another friend... and I know things will change dramatically when they get married. I will be happy for them of course, but the pain of being left behind in a sense, of no longer being a main player in that person's life, still remains.

Good luck, and I agree with the other posters: help out with the baby a bit where possible, and find new friends.