"There is no better or worse; just different arrangements of the pros and cons."
"The rest is drama... Drama is weakness, Drama is tragic. Drama is attachment; and attachment causes suffering."
“Needs and desires are imperfections in my world,” -The Ancient One
It has been said that "after your first, you never quite love someone the same way again." I've been giving that a lot of thought lately, and it seems to be true.
I'm not sure if anyone else is in this boat, but heres a quick background. It wasn't till I hit 27 that I had a true serious relationship, and it lasted a little more then a year. Prior to that, I've had very little interaction. I DO know there are people here are in THAT boat, and many wanting love so badly and feeling sad and lost. Some who are even older then me and still haven't found anyone.
So yeah, I'm one of you guys; and now you are watching me leave here with a girl and when I come back... I'm not the same. I've gotten to taste new joys and pleasures, but let me tell you one thing: and thats that when the end hits, it hits a whole lot harder then you can imagine and. It's full of seething, lingering dimensions of pain; the likes of which are dangerous to fathom.
I also know that many, if not most, who are reading have been through this. Well its still pretty recent for me. Yes, I know that it "gets better" I also know that "some wounds never heal."
When I imagine getting into another relationship, I see myself being cautious, paranoid, even detatched. Its as though we're playing the same game, and while I may play, I do so without attachment because I expect it go wrong, I expect it to end, and I expect to find out the other person isn't quite what I thought, and what's more: people change!
This plus all the other circumstances of my life which are generally unfavorable to the prospects of sex, love, and family, lead me to believe I will never be in love again. Yes, "the withered flower of my heart is torn asunder and the part thats content to be underground doesn't bother blooming in the dangerous desecrated soil."
Clarify: I see myself possibly having other relationships, I just don't see any of them meaning anything to me. I see myself having one at some point just to see if I "still feel anything" or I see myself ending things at the first sign of trouble or just ending it very quickly. However, I refuse to follow a jaded sex driven path that eventually leads me to betray someone else in the same manner I was betrayed. It will not let nature invalidate my pain in this manner. So ultimately I see myself completely alone, not going out, and not giving a **** one way or another.
It bothers me that I can't give 100%, even if I wanted to, so I think it's for the best that I don't. The experience was SO traumatic in SO many different ways and there were SO many problems along the way that when I see the so called garden of eden I see a garden of hopelessness and despair.
Finally, some advice for the guys, because we're adventurers at heart and aren't prone to being persuaded by risks and warnings.
1. Dump her at the first sign of a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" mentality; I'm not even kidding. Dead end streets don't get traffic, only morons who cause accidents and wreck homes. If nothing you do ever pleases her, nothing you do ever will. In her mind she is right and the man is always wrong which goes towards playing the moral highground and getting what she wants. If she can't take the highroad, she WILL take the low road and you will be made to look like a self righteous jackass, like you're always "too good" for her. No matter how you slice it, I promise you that if you see this attitude it will NOT go well and there will problems in the long run.
2. If she always insults you and then says "Im kidding" or "no one can tell when I'm joking" then develop your own method of "joking" and lash out with witty, insulting, and sarcastic remarks whenever you please. Make sure they are more insulting then hers and make sure you present them in a manner in which they will be taken seriously so that you can say "Im kidding."
3. This is an old one, but a good one. From "A Bronx Tale". Dump her when she gets in the car, if she doesn't open the door for you.
So maybe you can learn to spot the subtleties that prove someone doesn't love you, but what if they DO love you and are due to change? Here are a few things I discovered:
4. If she is willing to lie to her family and friends, belittle them, talk about them behind their backs, etc, then she WILL do the same to you eventually. This is number four on my list so the answer is still "dump her at the first sign of trouble."
5. Has she suddenly become greedy? If you pay for everything in the beginning of the relationship you will always pay for everything. She will even get you to buy her a bus ticket back home just to "visit" her folks. In reality shes had a paid vacation at your expense and ain't comin' back.
6. If you suspect something bad or suspect she will give in to temptation, then engineer a trap that's too good to refuse and catch her in the act. Yeah it seems pretty hard, but give it some thought, it is really is the perfect way to tell. Just be sure not to dress up and pretend to be another guy. She'll either see right through it, or fall for the "you" within your persona, most often both.
7. If she has cheated on you and you are ready to end it, drop her off in the middle of nowhere or on the bad side of town. Tell her that shes a ho and she can easily ho her way back home. This is especially delicious if you know she had the affair, but wait till now to bring it up.
Okay, how bout a list that doesn't involve dumping her. How bout a checklist for what you like and don't like. Here are some qualities that are complete deal breakers for me:
1. Gender policies: If she's always saying things like "I'm a woman, I'm allowed to keep a few secrets," using her gender to get special treatment then turns around and bitches to you about womens rights you should immediately bitchslap her and walk away. When she catches up kindly remind her that she isn't going to have it both ways. If you're in public and worried she will sue then say "This is me bitchslappin' yo ass" and walk away.
2. Secrecy. This goes back to that two way street thing. It has also been said "the curse of the liar is that she can't believe anyone." The whole point of intimacy is to share more of yourself especially if the goal is marriage or something long term. Women are very accustomed to deception. From an early age they learn to say things like "no that dress doesn't make you look fat" even though it so does. So you should expect to be "managed" and spared the brunt of bad news. This you will have to find out for yourself.
3. Bitchcraft. This generally involves selfishness, more of that damned if you do damned if you don't, and is often accompanied with some degree of witchcraft or Wiccan beliefs, but shes Wiccan only for the image of worshiping a goddess rather then a god, and mostly so she can tell the church to shove it. They are thus hypocrits. If you ask them "what is the great rite" few will know, and even fewer will know correctly.
4. Viciousness. Im talking about the kind of woman that dates your brother or best friend and pits you both against each other. When this problem is resolved correctly the guys walk away friends and the ***** is showing her legs out on the roadside. Women have their own version of this, but it usually involves subtle forms of rivalry. Furthermore you should stay away from the ones who date you for some alterior motive like showing off and one upping their favorite rival.
5. Chattle: It's been said women are like cattle and have a herd mentality. Of course like all stereotypes they show us the worst. However, does this situation sound familiar: you're a lonely guy with few or no friends, and every girl you know seems to have a gazillion. It doesn't seem bad now, but consider that when you breakup she's gonna have a big support group to cheer her on, and badmouth you, and you're gonna have squat. When you call your best friend crying on the phone hes gonna do little more then laugh at you. As men we tend to be proud and want to handle ourselves. We don't like to ask for directions, etc.
"The rest is drama... Drama is weakness, Drama is tragic. Drama is attachment; and attachment causes suffering."
“Needs and desires are imperfections in my world,” -The Ancient One
It has been said that "after your first, you never quite love someone the same way again." I've been giving that a lot of thought lately, and it seems to be true.
I'm not sure if anyone else is in this boat, but heres a quick background. It wasn't till I hit 27 that I had a true serious relationship, and it lasted a little more then a year. Prior to that, I've had very little interaction. I DO know there are people here are in THAT boat, and many wanting love so badly and feeling sad and lost. Some who are even older then me and still haven't found anyone.
So yeah, I'm one of you guys; and now you are watching me leave here with a girl and when I come back... I'm not the same. I've gotten to taste new joys and pleasures, but let me tell you one thing: and thats that when the end hits, it hits a whole lot harder then you can imagine and. It's full of seething, lingering dimensions of pain; the likes of which are dangerous to fathom.
I also know that many, if not most, who are reading have been through this. Well its still pretty recent for me. Yes, I know that it "gets better" I also know that "some wounds never heal."
When I imagine getting into another relationship, I see myself being cautious, paranoid, even detatched. Its as though we're playing the same game, and while I may play, I do so without attachment because I expect it go wrong, I expect it to end, and I expect to find out the other person isn't quite what I thought, and what's more: people change!
This plus all the other circumstances of my life which are generally unfavorable to the prospects of sex, love, and family, lead me to believe I will never be in love again. Yes, "the withered flower of my heart is torn asunder and the part thats content to be underground doesn't bother blooming in the dangerous desecrated soil."
Clarify: I see myself possibly having other relationships, I just don't see any of them meaning anything to me. I see myself having one at some point just to see if I "still feel anything" or I see myself ending things at the first sign of trouble or just ending it very quickly. However, I refuse to follow a jaded sex driven path that eventually leads me to betray someone else in the same manner I was betrayed. It will not let nature invalidate my pain in this manner. So ultimately I see myself completely alone, not going out, and not giving a **** one way or another.
It bothers me that I can't give 100%, even if I wanted to, so I think it's for the best that I don't. The experience was SO traumatic in SO many different ways and there were SO many problems along the way that when I see the so called garden of eden I see a garden of hopelessness and despair.
Finally, some advice for the guys, because we're adventurers at heart and aren't prone to being persuaded by risks and warnings.
1. Dump her at the first sign of a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" mentality; I'm not even kidding. Dead end streets don't get traffic, only morons who cause accidents and wreck homes. If nothing you do ever pleases her, nothing you do ever will. In her mind she is right and the man is always wrong which goes towards playing the moral highground and getting what she wants. If she can't take the highroad, she WILL take the low road and you will be made to look like a self righteous jackass, like you're always "too good" for her. No matter how you slice it, I promise you that if you see this attitude it will NOT go well and there will problems in the long run.
2. If she always insults you and then says "Im kidding" or "no one can tell when I'm joking" then develop your own method of "joking" and lash out with witty, insulting, and sarcastic remarks whenever you please. Make sure they are more insulting then hers and make sure you present them in a manner in which they will be taken seriously so that you can say "Im kidding."
3. This is an old one, but a good one. From "A Bronx Tale". Dump her when she gets in the car, if she doesn't open the door for you.
So maybe you can learn to spot the subtleties that prove someone doesn't love you, but what if they DO love you and are due to change? Here are a few things I discovered:
4. If she is willing to lie to her family and friends, belittle them, talk about them behind their backs, etc, then she WILL do the same to you eventually. This is number four on my list so the answer is still "dump her at the first sign of trouble."
5. Has she suddenly become greedy? If you pay for everything in the beginning of the relationship you will always pay for everything. She will even get you to buy her a bus ticket back home just to "visit" her folks. In reality shes had a paid vacation at your expense and ain't comin' back.
6. If you suspect something bad or suspect she will give in to temptation, then engineer a trap that's too good to refuse and catch her in the act. Yeah it seems pretty hard, but give it some thought, it is really is the perfect way to tell. Just be sure not to dress up and pretend to be another guy. She'll either see right through it, or fall for the "you" within your persona, most often both.
7. If she has cheated on you and you are ready to end it, drop her off in the middle of nowhere or on the bad side of town. Tell her that shes a ho and she can easily ho her way back home. This is especially delicious if you know she had the affair, but wait till now to bring it up.
Okay, how bout a list that doesn't involve dumping her. How bout a checklist for what you like and don't like. Here are some qualities that are complete deal breakers for me:
1. Gender policies: If she's always saying things like "I'm a woman, I'm allowed to keep a few secrets," using her gender to get special treatment then turns around and bitches to you about womens rights you should immediately bitchslap her and walk away. When she catches up kindly remind her that she isn't going to have it both ways. If you're in public and worried she will sue then say "This is me bitchslappin' yo ass" and walk away.
2. Secrecy. This goes back to that two way street thing. It has also been said "the curse of the liar is that she can't believe anyone." The whole point of intimacy is to share more of yourself especially if the goal is marriage or something long term. Women are very accustomed to deception. From an early age they learn to say things like "no that dress doesn't make you look fat" even though it so does. So you should expect to be "managed" and spared the brunt of bad news. This you will have to find out for yourself.
3. Bitchcraft. This generally involves selfishness, more of that damned if you do damned if you don't, and is often accompanied with some degree of witchcraft or Wiccan beliefs, but shes Wiccan only for the image of worshiping a goddess rather then a god, and mostly so she can tell the church to shove it. They are thus hypocrits. If you ask them "what is the great rite" few will know, and even fewer will know correctly.
4. Viciousness. Im talking about the kind of woman that dates your brother or best friend and pits you both against each other. When this problem is resolved correctly the guys walk away friends and the ***** is showing her legs out on the roadside. Women have their own version of this, but it usually involves subtle forms of rivalry. Furthermore you should stay away from the ones who date you for some alterior motive like showing off and one upping their favorite rival.
5. Chattle: It's been said women are like cattle and have a herd mentality. Of course like all stereotypes they show us the worst. However, does this situation sound familiar: you're a lonely guy with few or no friends, and every girl you know seems to have a gazillion. It doesn't seem bad now, but consider that when you breakup she's gonna have a big support group to cheer her on, and badmouth you, and you're gonna have squat. When you call your best friend crying on the phone hes gonna do little more then laugh at you. As men we tend to be proud and want to handle ourselves. We don't like to ask for directions, etc.
