Lost all hope - feel like letting go

[losingallhope]

I just spent the past hour looking at other peoples myspace pages and now I'm feeling pretty close to suicide.

Sorry, thats a bit of a brash introduction cos I'm new here
I should probably explain about myself or something?

I'm 18. I have no friends. Literally not one. I have no boyfriend.
I'm not in work or education due to pretty serious mental health problems.

All I have is my family, but I think I even annoy them.
Having a family (it sounds harsh) really doesn't mean anything to me
It feels like they don't count for much because they only hang out with me because they have to not because they like me.

Growing up I never had a normal childhood, I've never had the chance to do normal teenage stuff because of the things that have happened to me.
My mum was sick and I looked after her until she died when I was 16
I didn't really go out and socialise or have any real friends because of my home life and the fact that I started to get very depressed around the age of 16. I started to self harm and developed an eating disorder.

Around the time all that mental health stuff was developing
I started college. I was doing good work wise, I made a few friends and felt like I was starting to get a normal life. I went out and kissed a few boys and was having fun.

Then my mental health got a lot worse. I had a pychotic break and started hearing voices and hallucinating. My self harm was becoming dangerously bad and I tried to kill myself by cutting my wrists.
I didn't die. I just seriously injured myself and had to undergo surgery to put it right. I ended up being sectioned quite a few times and put in a pychiatric hospital. The amount of times I was sent to the hospital meant that I couldn't keep up with my college work or my social life. I lost touch with everyone and found myself living alone because I couldn't get on with my family. I was in and out of hospital constantly.

Now I'm starting to recover from my pychosis but it feels like my life is just totally messed. Because of my mental health problems I feel like a total freak, I'm covered in scars from the self harm.
I was never very socially graceful in the first place but I managed to (just about) make friends and get by, but now after a year of being alone I'm just crippled by social anxiety. I just don't know how to connect to other people and make friends. I feel very unattractive because of the medication I take and the depression making me eat I've put on 4 stone.

I just feel so lonely and it hurts so bad.
I was just looking at all my old friends from college myspaces
I just feel like a total freak, so lonely and pathetic.

From what I can tell everybody else my age is really socially at ease
They are all really cool funny smart people
They are all really attractive and thin
They all have bfs or gfs
They're all ready to go to uni around september
They all go out drinking, to gigs and parties basically have fun

I just don't know what I'm living for
I sit at home everyday getting fatter and fatter watching tv and surfing the web.

I don't know what I'm living for
I'm so pathetic, it feels like everyone around me is *living*
and I'm just watching my life slip away, and I don't think I can stand to slowly watch that happen anymore. I can't do it.

sorry don't know what the point to this was
I just needed to get it out in the hope that someone out there can understand and knows how hard it is to see everyone else going out and having fun and getting laid while they just stay at home wanting to die....

 

[luciddisconnect]

It can get better for you.

I've got several friends who either cut themselves or were suicidal, or both. They all moved beyond it eventually in one way or another. One of them seems to be really *living*. The others are getting by. Life will always have its ups and downs for everyone.

Remember that most people arrange their myspace or facebook pages to present an idealized picture of themselves. They don't highlight the fact that they visited the abortion clinic last week or just got their first DUI. Don't think that these things aren't happening.

As for the BF GF issue; don't think you're the only one that feels like they'll be alone forever. I sometimes feel like I've got a stamp on my forehead that says "immature deviant loser." I have to find things other than relationships that give my life meaning. The meaning you get out of your life is somewhat your own responsibility to define, in the end.

Don't write off your family. It sounds like they really do care about you. NOT everyone's family is like that.

I hope that you can get off meds at some point. You may discover you have more control than you thought.

Oh, and you've got a lot of time to *live*. Meaning most of your youth is still ahead of you. You won't really feel like you're aging until, hmmm, you're exactly as old as me.

I hope you find someone else to live with ASAP also. It sounds like solitude is only worsening your situation. Move back in with your family, or find a roommate, or whatever you need to do to have regular (direct) human contact. There are probably support groups that you can join through the hospital too.

Best Wishes

 

[EveWasFramed]

Hi there and welcome to the forum. Im sure that you can find some support here. There are likely some people who are dealing with (or have dealt with) these same kinds of issues. ((hugs))

 

[Melanie]

I know what you mean, it is a horrible feeling when you see others who look so happy and together. Like everything great is happening somewhere else to someone else. But, these people may appear to be "together," and may not be. I mean they aren't going to post their low points on myspace, ya know? Everyone has struggles, but I guess it seems that some people have it so easy.

Don't find solace and worth in people, find beauty somewhere else, find solace somewhere else.
Having a boyfriend, being skinny, drinking and having a huge group of friends is fleeting, and is ultimately meaningless.

 

[catwixen]

I feel so much for you.....
It takes time to go to the depths of sadness and mentall illness, it takes time to come back out from it. Give yourself a break, some time to heal, otherwise you are presssuring yourself into feeling more heartache.
I have scars...self harm, but I am 42 and with hindsight I guess I can see those people I wanted acceptance from were not right for me anyway.
You have been through a lot, be kind to yourself.

 

[ledchick]

Hi Losingallhope....I hope that you can find some outlet here...I know I have.
I also do not have a myspace or facebook anymore! Why? well, the more you read the status or others comments, the more I realized that these people were putting on the best face, they don't want anyone to think, for one minute, that they are not living perfect lives! I think it is all a sham, designed to make ANYONE feel different or not the same, if you don't put on you happy face.
I had a high school friend on FB, that I know is miserable and yet her status and comments were always so ******* happy and perfect. I dont know who she thought she was fooling....just herself. Take these social networking sites for what they really are!

 

[PieBeNice]

Nooooo don't kill yourself, that'd be bad.

 

[livjs]

Hi losing, Ledchick and everyone else who has posted are absolutely right. I am probably one of those people whose facebook page is sickeningly perfect (yap it actually disgusts myself... gosh you won't even see any strand of hair poking out of its place on my profile pictures... because i edited them out of course...) But yes, don't be fooled. My life is far from blissful. In a way, I feel the need to have a perfect facebook page to compensate for my sad sad life. Some days, I spend hours working on it to make it look naturally perfect ( I don't want others to think that I am high on sugar by posting happy shoutouts, they look so fake anyway..) So... yes... only in this forum I dare to admit this.

 

[Steel]

I am posting simply to agree with everyone else. A facebook profile is like a photograph taken at a party; they are smiling for the camera.

 

[wolfshadow]

Remember that most people arrange their myspace or facebook pages to present an idealized picture of themselves. They don't highlight the fact that they visited the abortion clinic last week or just got their first DUI. Don't think that these things aren't happening.

Very true.

Losingallhope, I am very sorry to hear of your circumstances and also of how hard you are being on yourself. There is one huge chink of light though, you have plenty of time in which to find solutions and/or ways of managing the most harmful elements of your depression. I sincerely doubt that's a huge consolation at this very moment in time but it is, in the grand scheme of things, a massive plus.

Barring a select few *the lucky bastards lol* I don't think that there are many people who ever become their "ideal selves"; the people that you percieve to be having more fun than you are in no shape or form better than you. In all likelyhood they probably just haven't had the misfortune to be tested by the sort of adversity that you've been forced to confront.

You mention that your appearance is a major concern. Personally I've never reguarded scars as a factor in inattractiveness, certainly they may hint at a colourful history but to me there is virtually no difference between a scar and a tatoo. On weight loss (presuming that you are uncomfortable with carrying a few extra pounds) the three most efficient ways to burn fat are; jogging cycling and swimming. Swimming puts the least pressure on the joints and probably supplies the best anearobic conditioning of the three but I think that cycling is the most effective overall cardiovascular workout (and something you can do in relative privacy if you have an excercise bike).

Anyway good luck and I hope things do work out for the best.

 

[Flood]

Although you've been through alot for your age, you're really young. And the fact that you have been recovering from serious mental issues is a sign of you're strength. Be a little patient with yourself because you still have alot of time to do some "living".