dave485
New member
- Joined
- Jan 29, 2012
- Messages
- 1
- Reaction score
- 0
I guess I'll start with a bit of back story. I'm 26 years old. I left college after my first semester, because I felt that it wasn't for me. I was doing well, but I just couldn't get past the fact that I felt that the whole process was completely ridiculous. You basically have to suffer through a gauntlet of bullshit before you can even start thinking about taking courses that are actually going to apply towards the career of your choice, and even then, in most cases, that isn't going to prepare you for what lays ahead anyway.
In today's society you're basically pigeonholed into a system that is guaranteeing $50,000-$200,000 of debt for the off-chance that you'll be able to land a job, post graduation, in the field of your choosing. It's despicable, misleading, and it gives kids a false sense of hope. Scary. If you go against the system and choose not to follow the standard path, and what you were previously doing falls through, you are screwed. Very few employers are going to hire someone with no degree or experience, regardless of leadership skills, or how motivated or intelligent they may be.
Anyway, after I left school I moved to Las Vegas, where I worked as an assistant at a pretty well known establishment. Well, being under 21 in Vegas is terrible. It's very difficult to meet genuine, like-minded people, and the folks you do meet aren't exactly friend material. After a little over a year I became severely depressed. I felt alone. So, I moved back to my home town in Massachusetts. Still depressed, I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. I did know (or thought I knew), however, that I didn't want to be another 9:00-5:00 slave who sacrifices his or her life to work a soul-stealing job that they despise.
After wallowing in my depression for a while I end up getting a job recruiting models for a website that my friend was a partial owner of. That lasted about a year. I was never on an official payroll and they were posturing to sell the company, so in essence, I was no longer needed. As a parting gift, my friend got me a gig writing for a popular blogging network.
Finally, something I felt that I really enjoyed doing, I loved it! Well...fast forward to a year later, and just like everything else in my life, that didn't last either. The blogging network I was a part of got sold and basically lost its soul. The corporate influence completely destroyed everything we had initially set out to be. So, I left.
Moving forward, 24 now, still severely depressed, and again having no idea what I'm going to do. I move to California to stay with an online friend who was going to UCSD. On the weekends we would go to LA and eventually we started hanging around the Comedy clubs a lot. I got to know a lot of the comics, made some solid, like-minded friends, and started enjoying my life for the first time ever. Well, a few months later my friend was graduating. After graduation she was moving back to Hawaii. She asked me to come with her, but for various reasons, I declined. I end up moving back to my home town in Massachusetts, yet again.
So, here I am today. I'm 26. I have absolutely no close friends. No girlfriend. No close family. Little money. No job. Nothing of substance to put on a resume. Nothing at all. I spent what money I did have on nice clothes and a decent car so I could, at least, outwardly appear as normal. Basically, I am hopeless. I am a shell of my former self. My depression has gotten way out of control. I used to be able to put the blinders on and tell myself that everything would be okay. I can no longer do that. I'm a very logical person. I feel that I am irrevocably screwed.
The loneliness above all else is what really is making me remarkably sad. I have many acquaintances, but literally no people I would call close friends. Some weekends I hang out with these acquaintances at bars. I smile, laugh, tell stories, etc...but Inside I feel dead and alone, and honestly, I don't even like going to bars. I hate the atmosphere, it's loud and you can't truly get to know people. In these same bars I meet girls, they tell me I'm handsome and give me compliments, but I'm a fraud. I can't tell them the truth about where my life is heading. I can't tell them that I was forced to move back home because of my failure of a life. I can't do it. I want companionship, but I feel that I can't be fully honest. My two biggest fears in life are to A) become a loser, and B) end up alone. I am living my nightmare.
I can no longer go a day without thinking about suicide. I don't think I will do it, but I can't really get the thoughts out of my head. It's the worst at night. I feel hopeless. I feel alone. I have really no idea what to do. I don't talk about my situation with anybody in real life, because I have too much pride and I don't want to seem like I'm insane. I don't really have anybody I would feel comfortable talking to either. I really have no idea what I'm going to do. I feel my existence is a torturous one.
In today's society you're basically pigeonholed into a system that is guaranteeing $50,000-$200,000 of debt for the off-chance that you'll be able to land a job, post graduation, in the field of your choosing. It's despicable, misleading, and it gives kids a false sense of hope. Scary. If you go against the system and choose not to follow the standard path, and what you were previously doing falls through, you are screwed. Very few employers are going to hire someone with no degree or experience, regardless of leadership skills, or how motivated or intelligent they may be.
Anyway, after I left school I moved to Las Vegas, where I worked as an assistant at a pretty well known establishment. Well, being under 21 in Vegas is terrible. It's very difficult to meet genuine, like-minded people, and the folks you do meet aren't exactly friend material. After a little over a year I became severely depressed. I felt alone. So, I moved back to my home town in Massachusetts. Still depressed, I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. I did know (or thought I knew), however, that I didn't want to be another 9:00-5:00 slave who sacrifices his or her life to work a soul-stealing job that they despise.
After wallowing in my depression for a while I end up getting a job recruiting models for a website that my friend was a partial owner of. That lasted about a year. I was never on an official payroll and they were posturing to sell the company, so in essence, I was no longer needed. As a parting gift, my friend got me a gig writing for a popular blogging network.
Finally, something I felt that I really enjoyed doing, I loved it! Well...fast forward to a year later, and just like everything else in my life, that didn't last either. The blogging network I was a part of got sold and basically lost its soul. The corporate influence completely destroyed everything we had initially set out to be. So, I left.
Moving forward, 24 now, still severely depressed, and again having no idea what I'm going to do. I move to California to stay with an online friend who was going to UCSD. On the weekends we would go to LA and eventually we started hanging around the Comedy clubs a lot. I got to know a lot of the comics, made some solid, like-minded friends, and started enjoying my life for the first time ever. Well, a few months later my friend was graduating. After graduation she was moving back to Hawaii. She asked me to come with her, but for various reasons, I declined. I end up moving back to my home town in Massachusetts, yet again.
So, here I am today. I'm 26. I have absolutely no close friends. No girlfriend. No close family. Little money. No job. Nothing of substance to put on a resume. Nothing at all. I spent what money I did have on nice clothes and a decent car so I could, at least, outwardly appear as normal. Basically, I am hopeless. I am a shell of my former self. My depression has gotten way out of control. I used to be able to put the blinders on and tell myself that everything would be okay. I can no longer do that. I'm a very logical person. I feel that I am irrevocably screwed.
The loneliness above all else is what really is making me remarkably sad. I have many acquaintances, but literally no people I would call close friends. Some weekends I hang out with these acquaintances at bars. I smile, laugh, tell stories, etc...but Inside I feel dead and alone, and honestly, I don't even like going to bars. I hate the atmosphere, it's loud and you can't truly get to know people. In these same bars I meet girls, they tell me I'm handsome and give me compliments, but I'm a fraud. I can't tell them the truth about where my life is heading. I can't tell them that I was forced to move back home because of my failure of a life. I can't do it. I want companionship, but I feel that I can't be fully honest. My two biggest fears in life are to A) become a loser, and B) end up alone. I am living my nightmare.
I can no longer go a day without thinking about suicide. I don't think I will do it, but I can't really get the thoughts out of my head. It's the worst at night. I feel hopeless. I feel alone. I have really no idea what to do. I don't talk about my situation with anybody in real life, because I have too much pride and I don't want to seem like I'm insane. I don't really have anybody I would feel comfortable talking to either. I really have no idea what I'm going to do. I feel my existence is a torturous one.
