Made a mistake and now alone and lonely.

[redrotary13b]

Long story, I do understand if no one responds or is bored in the middle of it.
I know we all have issues but I just need to vent.

I am an only child with both parents. I recently found out that and discovered that I had been neglected emotionally by my mother. She gave me things I needed but whenever it was report card time, I was in for a lashing due to my lacking grades. Here I am at 25, no degree and not being able to find joy in school. I do regret it. I am currently going to school but it is extremely difficult.

I had a fiancé just a week ago. It was a long distance relationship. I reside in US, and her in Japan. I guess my own final blow came at the day of earthquake. I will explain more on that later.

Like any relationship, we had problems. I visited her parents last summer to ask her for marriage, but with me not being "educated", they had a problem with it. I do undserstand them and they did not say no but they wanted me to finish school first. The issue on that part was that my fiancé is 31, so I felt that I needed to hurry. I was frustrated with school and not being able to see her like a next door neighbor and I took it out on her over the phone constantly. It was my mistake. Far as her being older, I always dated older women, I think the neglect from mother was something I was seeking from my female companion. But even without that factor, I ALWAYS was attracted to older women.

I came back to US with semi-rejection from her parents. I wasn't down and he did visit me again and we were okay. But I never stopped taking out my anger on her. She was patient too, she'd cry and tell me that she's sorry even though nothing was her fault.

March 15th was the day I proposed to her, and one year from that day she called me as usual and told me that I put too much on her and she could not handle me anymore. And I agree with her. I was not finically ready, I was acting like a child, being cruel to her when I had personal issues.

I was on the phone with her during the earthquake. I heard the things fall off, she called for her brother and she told me casually that her brother is here I should be ok. Then I said the stupidest thing I could have at that moment which was, I guess your brother is there for you so you don't need me. Yes, I for some reason was jealous of her brother!! Now in my defense, I truly wanted to be there, the way I expressed it obviously even I cam agree was ridiculously and inhumanely stupid. So I believe that was the final straw.

I apologized after she said she was done and tried to get her back. I was sincere and I grew up real fast in few days. And I was actually just offered work at a very prestigious company (it really matters who you know). But it wasn't enough.

I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself, I admit I made the mistakes and I understand the things I did wrong. I was stupid and foolish but I learned many lessons from this ordeal.

The reason I'm writing is because without her I'm so lonely. I miss the emails she sent me every morning asking how I am.... I miss talking to her.
I know some people will say that I deserve this and I would be a fool to disagree with you. But it hurts so much because now I'm actually ready and have learned the lesson.

When she told me that there will be no second chances given (although it is more like 100th) I broke down and wrote suicide letters explaining my situation to people that would be left behind. I don't yet know if I will take my life or not. I made a video of apology and sent it to her. I'm not expecting her to take me back but I thought she at least deserved a real apology.

I was not ready for marriage I guess, but now that I am she's not here. It hurts like hell. I have no one to blame but myself and I just can't take the burden. I just wanted to love someone. Not caring about money long as we had enough. I was ready to give up my family, my life, and my friends if she wished it so. My love is like playdoh. I am willing to give and change my love in any shape or form long as the other person loves me. But that was not the case here. I just want someone to love and talk to.

 

[A new life]

Get some therapy.

Be kind to yourself, and start over.

That's all I have for now.
Best of luck to you.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

We all make mistakes friend. I made the mistake of not giving my ex the one thing she wanted, a title. There is not much I can say. What is done is done.

Let me ask you this. Will you learn from this mistake?

 

[redrotary13b]

I learned so much from this.

I should not fall in love so easily. (it's no excuse but the way I raised it's very hard to do when someone shows me affections)
I should control my anger in positive ways.
I should care for families in a better way even though I was brought up not in the such way.
I should listen to problems and do not just form my own opinions but be considerate of others feelings.
I should take time to know people better rather than rushing.
I should think before opening my mouth and talking.
I should respect others in all ways and shape and form.
I should get MY LIFE straight first before wanting to be married. (which I am doing now)

 

[jales]

You should understand that you are human and every human says things that they later regret.
You should not take your life before life decides that it is time for you to go.
You should understand that ending any relationship hurts like hell but with time most wounds can be healed (even if it doesnt feel like it at the moment)


I dont have any real real advice,
I know that the one time I felt bad about what I said near the end of a relationship I wrote the the guy a 92 page letter explaining why we should not break up (lol didnt work.. but it was still good for my well being). After that I was sure that it was not my fault things ended.

or you could

Email her every day for a year. Well that is what Noah did in the notebook..
Or mayve email her everyday till she replies....

 

[Sci-Fi]

Red those are excellent lessons that you've learned, and what Jales said too about being human. Just never forget those lessons. You've realized you made mistakes and learned something from them, I'd say you are on your way to being a much better person if you take those and work on them. Ending your life is never the answer.

@Jales...92 PAGES!! Wow...that's a lot of pages.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

^_^ glad to bear you learned something from this experience. So many people just skip over that part of learning and make the same mistakes again. I hope you can find what you are looking for.

 

[Thrasymachus]

How much real life contact did you have with her, especially before starting the long distance relationship?
Are you ethnic Japanese? Do you speak the language; if so, how fluent in reading, writing and conversing?

It sounds like you had unrealistic expectations, especially if you planned to marry her, and move to Japan as a gaijan with little fluency. Far as you described she was just an overblown phone/pen pal whom you started to have too much feelings for.

 

[redrotary13b]

How much real life contact did you have with her, especially before starting the long distance relationship?
Are you ethnic Japanese? Do you speak the language; if so, how fluent in reading, writing and conversing?

It sounds like you had unrealistic expectations, especially if you planned to marry her, and move to Japan as a gaijan with little fluency. Far as you described she was just an overblown phone/pen pal whom you started to have too much feelings for.

If you must know, it was quite complicated.

We knew of each other's presence, she was finishing up her masters and we'd seen each other before but no real interest towards each other. It was December a few days before Christmas, her school had been over and she was staying at her best friends house. We spent 23 of December together kind of flirting, 24th we went to another friends house to celebrate Christmas, and while we were sitting down, I gave her a massage. We came back to the best friend's house, and we slept together. I was hooked on her (my biggest fault) instantly. I thought I'd fallen in love when it was in fact lust. And some people might say "she wanted a green card". I can assure you she does not need my help to do that. Her father is a prominent dentist with 2 offices and they live in the business district of Tokyo, Tokyo AND the yes, it is the penthouse.

She had to leave in few days so I spent the next 3 days with her. She went back, and she came back in March 15th, I proposed to her with a decent ring front of everyone in the airport. She said yes and she stayed with me for about 3 months. She went back again and this time it was my turn to visit. I had a job so I took 2 weeks off and went there to see her parents in late June.

Her parents were not thrilled with me. There I was, with no defined career, literally no education (although education is not always best learned from schools), and I am Korean. Her mother did accept me but her father told me to come back when I was a bit more ready. I wasn't mad and the meeting ended well. I came back to the states determined as ever and worked on myself. Then in early October, her mother came with her to see my parents. It went well and they returned after 2 weeks.

To answer your question I am not Japanese, I do not read, write or speak Japanese. I can read Chinese characters because I learned them when I was younger, I can write Chinese characters quiet a bit, and I knew few simple words in Japanese. But that wasn't the least of the problem.

My expectation wasn't unrealistic either. She understood that we were upper middle class family while she was in the "high society". Like I said, if she wanted to marry someone with money, she could have easily done so. The reason I am not with her is because of the attitude and twisted thinking I had which I do not wish to share. Not only that, I've grown out of it REAL fast. I had no intention of moving there, she was coming here.

I rushed things too fast (which I always do and FINALLY learned my lesson from). I was not patient. But she taught me so many valuable life lessons and I do not for one second blame her for MY stupidity. In fact, we decided to remain good friends. I will always love her with little bit of my heart. But I realize I made too many mistakes and she stuck by me for over a year.

All in all, I'm happy. I hope she finds happiness, she'll always be an older sister to me (yes I'm 25, she's 31) and I will always care for her. I'm glad this happened or I still would be a little boy trying to figure his life out and making other people miserable around me. I'm proud of myself even though the actual break up was painful. In the end, I cannot be happier. Yes, I'm a bit lonely but I suppose it's something I've always felt when I wasn't in a relationship, but it'll come again. And next time, I will be ready. I will be a man.

 

[Thrasymachus]

She had to leave in few days so I spent the next 3 days with her. She went back, and she came back in March 15th, I proposed to her with a decent ring front of everyone in the airport. She said yes and she stayed with me for about 3 months. She went back again and this time it was my turn to visit. I had a job so I took 2 weeks off and went there to see her parents in late June.

I think this is the most crucial part of everything you have related in this story. So including the hookup, you spent a total of 4 days with her before you proposed for marriage! I am sorry but that is a very unhealthy attitude, and if she accepted the proposal she is just as problematic.

From what people on this site have written that I have read, they tend to be very clingy, needy and unrealistic(IE: Why I am the only one who thought to ask how long you actually met her in real life before trying to mediate a relationship through phone and internet?). I think because of your loneliness and fears you latched too heavily to this woman you hooked up with and turned everything to a big fiasco. If you had a healthy attitude you would have let her go back to her life in Japan and instead of trying to attach yourself like a barnacle with a proposal. Likely you two mutually victimized each other.

But actually massaging her was a good idea and you were very keen to do it. The way women are and think you need to establish yourself by touching them in a non-sexual way, before you can build the trust they need before they will allow you to touch them in a sexual manner.