Maybe I'm destined to be alone

[Lonely4life]

So here I am, alone, starting over yet again, when will it end, when will I stop feeling so empty and worthless.  The loneliness I feel is so over whelming at times, I feel like I'm being consumed by it.  I'm 38 years old and I just feel like my life is over.  I try so hard to be thankful for what I have, but the reality is I don't have a lot.  I live in a small council flat in London, have no real friends and a boss you treats me like I'm an idiot.

I didn't have the best start in life, I was molested by my father at a young age. I some how managed to forgive him, because I didn't want to become bitter with my hatred for him.  I've struggled with my self-confidence and self-esteem as a result.  All my adult relationships have ended because it seems I was never enough for most people.  When you reach a certain age, and you don't have a successful career, or own your own home, it appears that people don't seem to take you seriously, you just get over looked.

I've also struggled with my sexuality, being a lesbian is not what I ever envisaged, my first love was a man so how did I end up here? I'm not one to usually feel sorry for myself because if something isn't working in my life I try to fix it.  I went back to university obtained a degree, but it didn't give me the career opportunities I had hoped for.  I've tried to become the person I want to attract with relationships, even just friendships, but I just never get anywhere.  Its hard when you see your friends surpassing you, and suddenly they stop calling.  Why do people have to judge you by what you have, why can't they just accept you the way you are.  I just feel so lost, I feel like I've run out of time, all I can forsee is old age and poverty.  I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't have any hope left anymore. Every day becomes harder to find a reason to carry on.

 

[kazman32]

I understand, I had an abusive childhood(physical/mental) I to am 38 and feel like my life is over, like there is no point in going on, so much of what you said I feel. I keep trying, they say that you go through up's and down's in life, but the last 2 years have been all down, when will it turn around? I haven;t given up, I'm not sure why, my father had decieded he didn't have any hope/future and took his own life, I feel like that alot, but keep going, I hope things get better, for both of us would be nice, but if things don't get better for me, I at least hope they turn around for you.

 

[lonelygirl]

Hi Lonely,

I'm 31 and also a pathetic wreck. You aren't alone, sister! lol

Girl, please go easy on yourself. The sexual molestation is a very difficult situation that many of us here have been through. That kind of thing wrecks many lives and you are still here and kicking, despite that unfair and painful thing that happened to you.

You live in London, the most exciting city on earth.

You are young enough to find love again, meet someone who will understand you.
Please hang in there!

 

[Lonely4life]

To kazman32 and lonelygirl thank you for your kind words, I'll definitely try my best to some how get through this difficult time. It does help to know that I'm not alone and that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I hope you both find resolutions to your problems, and that that future however uncertain gives you the happiness you both deserve.

 

[lonelygirl]

Hi Lonely,

Thank you. You seem like a sweet, intelligent girl. I would like to hear more about your life if you'd like to share it. If you prefer to be private, you could PM me and I'd be happy to listen about anything you need to get off your chest.

 

[Lonely4life]

Hi Lonelygirl

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.  I’d be happy to share my life’s experiences, although I’m not sure they would make for interesting reading.  I’m at a slight disadvantage, as I'm a new member here, so I’m not familiar with everyone's story. I’m usually a very happy go lucky person who doesn’t take life too seriously, so I was surprised when I found myself typing in ‘I am lonely’ into Google, only to find this wonderful site.  I’ve had many hardships in my life, but no matter how down I get, I some how manage to pick myself up and start again. I am a true survivor, in every sense of the word, whether I want to believe it or not.  I think it’s important for everyone to recognise their emotions however painful, and not to internalise them, this can lead to depression, even mental illness.  My mother is Bipolar, and was recently diagnosed after suffering for many years.  It’s not been easy trying to come to terms with her illness, it’s been a steep learning curve for me. So much emphasis is placed on the sufferer, but there is little or no support, for the families of those affected by it. The good news is she is slowly getting better.  

I came from a dysfunctional West Indian family, where my brother was the golden child, he was given everything I never had, a private education and more importantly, the love I always craved.  I grew up in the shadow of his success, never quite being able to measure up.  I gave up trying to compete with him, and stopped waiting for my parents to acknowledge me, and what little I had achieved in my life.  I found that when you no longer require acceptance, and just get on with your life, you start to feel good about yourself.  Maybe it’s because I’m nearly forty, and I’m looking back on a life filled with expectations, hopes, and dreams, that never materialised.  All I can see are the things I never achieved, the places I never travelled to, the friends I never made, the love I never had.  It’s important that we all have moments of quite reflection, we all need to indulge in a little self pity from time to time, just not to the extent where it becomes destructive.

To Alexp I don’t have all the answers, and I’m sure you have your reasons for wanting to end your existence. I know however bad things get there is always a glimmer of hope, we just have to be receptive enough to see it, and if we can’t we need to work towards it, we make our own opportunities and luck in life. Suicide would never be an option for me, I’ll admit at times I have entertained such thoughts, but I believe this to be such a selfish act. Despite my family's many failings, I still love them, and couldn’t bare to put them through such pain.

I think people today seem so preoccupied with acquiring material wealth, that they seem to have neglected their spiritual identity.  I think maybe you’ve just looking in the wrong place for a relationship. I joined a social group where I’m meeting new people who have a shared interest.  Instead of going on dates, try focusing on building friendships.  I ended my last relationship in January, as I felt so unappreciated, there’s nothing worse than being in a relationship where you feel alone.  Ever since then I’ve been working on myself, mentally, physically and emotionally.  I need to be in a place where I want a relationship, but don’t need a relationship, otherwise you can appear too needy. It’s important to learn from our mistakes, however painful or we will be destined to repeat them.  Every day is still a struggle for me, but there are fleeting moments, where I am content just being in my own, that’s when I know, I’m going to be okay.

 

[lonelygirl]

Lonely4life,

I'm really impressed by your writing. You have a gift!

Please share more about your experience. You mention about having a brother who was the 'golden child' and was given more than you. I had the same experience as a child--my father was a sexist pig who openly preferred his sons (2 of them) over his 5 daughters!

I'm happy to hear that you are not depressed enough to consider suicide. Would you mind sharing what you do for a living and what your career goals are? Presently, I teach college English. However, my goals are unclear at this time. I'm considering going back to school to get certified to teach K-12 (here in the States it sometimes takes more education to teach elementary school than it does to teach college!) so that I would be able to teach in an American school overseas.

 

[Lonely4life]

Thank you Lonelygirl

I have always found writing to be very therapeutic, as I have no one who truly understands me, as I understand myself.   As you know I live in London I work in the city as a PA, it’s not a job I particularly enjoy but it pays the bills.  My boss is a dinosaur, threatened by my very existence, he doesn’t allow me to exercise any initiative in my job, but requires that I be a clone of him.  Everything has to be done his way, when I suggested implementing new computer technology to increase efficiency, he was very reluctant, but eventually accepted the idea, but not before making it his own.  I have a degree in Computer Science obtained in 2003 which has left me £10000 in debt and still struggling to pay it off.  Without practical experience in the IT sector, I found it impossible to gain employment and drifted reluctantly into Office Administration.  I’m not sure what my career objectives are at the moment, all I know is that some sort of change is imminent.  

I so admire those who teach, it’s such a rewarding profession. I considered it once, but I just don’t have the level of confidence needed to succeed in such a demanding field.  My advice to you is to pursue you career aspirations, and to do what ever it takes to realise your dreams. I would also like to know more about your life, what are your hopes and dreams for the future?

I have some extended family that live in America (Atlanta) I just never seem to have the time to visit, but I would love to go to the States one day.  My mother lives in Jamaica so I nearly always end up spending my holidays with her. I love the island so much, I lived there for three years back in the early eighties and attended high school there, before coming back to England.  It was a real culture shock for me at the time, not being born there didn’t help much either, but I still have fond memories of the short time I lived there. You mentioned that London is one of the most exciting places on earth to live, but the truth is which ever city you reside in loneliness will find you. It permeates everything, sometimes you can feel at your lowest when you’re amongst a crowd.  Life’s not much fun when you have no one to share it with, but I will not be defeated, we all deserve a chance of happiness in this life.

 

[kaviii]

Hey, Lonely4life i just want to tell you that i enjoy reading your writing it has bits of wisdom

" I need to be in a place where I want a relationship, but don’t need a relationship, otherwise you can appear too needy. It’s important to learn from our mistakes, however painful or we will be destined to repeat them. Every day is still a struggle for me, but there are fleeting moments, where I am content just being in my own, that’s when I know, I’m going to be okay."
and compare to the normal posts, it is not bitter which makes it great to read.

 

[lonelygirl]

Hi Lonely,

To be honest, I'm a bit jealous of you! You're good enough with computers to have pursued that field (I have terrible 'math anxiety' and I dislike computers and technology. So many of the jobs out there these days are out of my league!)

I enjoy teaching and being in the classroom. It's something new every day. I was denied much attention growing up so being the 'star' and having all eyes on me is both exciting and nerve wracking.

I'm jealous that you have a mother living on a tropical paradise island! I have always wanted to travel to Jamaica. However, I'm fearful of crime there. It must be nice to have someone to visit there. And I suppose if you absolutely grew to hate London, you could move near your mother...is that right?

 

[Lonely4life]

Hi Kaviii & Lonelygirl

I’m glad if my experiences can somehow touch others, it’s important to let people know that there is a way through this tunnel of loneliness.  This website is such a valuable resource, where people are free to openly express how they feel.  My initial post was raw emotion, I felt like I was drowning in despair, hopelessly clutching at straws, desperate to hang on to hope.  I had no where else to turn, no one who cared enough to listen, until I stumbled across this site.  Everything happens for a reason in this life, we may not understand or fully appreciate it at the time, but we must trust our instincts and follow our hearts.  We may not always get it right first time, but in my opinion it helps to view obstacles as challenges, rather than problems to be overcome.  

There’s no need to be jealous lonelygirl lol!. If you really want to visit Jamaica you will, it’s not impossible.  I scrimped and saved and in 2003 I went to Egypt for the first time. I kept pinching myself, I couldn’t believe I made it happen, seeing all those artifacts and pyramids made me feel so small and insignificant, I was in awe of everything such beauty. There are many more places I would love to travel to, but I want to be able to share those experiences with someone special.  I love living in London its such a multicultural city, full of history and culture, so I doubt I could ever live anywhere else.  I suppose we all have our pipe dreams though, mine would be to retire in Jamaica one day sitting on a verandah in a rocking chair, sipping rum and coke lol! who knows what the future holds.  

Don’t be a prisoner of fear, embrace it!!

 

[lonelygirl]

Hi Lonely4,

Thank you. I appreciate your words. I have also dreamt of visiting Egypt since I was a young girl. Something about their amazing accomplishments and beautiful, enduring monuments really touches me. We're looking at life thousands of years ago--I wonder what we have now that would still stand in thousands of years!

I hope to come back to London soon. I really love it there, it's a very exciting city and there is much to do, all kinds of people, music, food, etc!

 

[kaviii]

Hi Kaviii & Lonelygirl

Hi lonely4

I’m glad if my experiences can somehow touch others

Might sound corny but your advice was really useful and your life experience is a really valuable thing to offer to me as a 16 year old.

I scrimped and saved and in 2003 I went to Egypt for the first time. I kept pinching myself, I couldn’t believe I made it happen, seeing all those artifacts and pyramids made me feel so small and insignificant, I was in awe of everything such beauty.

Which cities did you go to? Luxor? Cairo? Alexandria? I always wanted to go to those nordic countries and live there, i think it would be great to see the northern lights and experience white nights.

I love living in London its such a multicultural city, full of history and culture, so I doubt I could ever live anywhere else.

what about sydney, australia? i always like england as a country...always fasinated by tudor england and stuart england the most exciting time i guess in the english history.

 

[Lonely4life]

Hi Kaviii & Lonelygirl

Nice to speak with you again, in answer to your question Kavii, I stayed mainly in Luxor and a few days in Cairo. Places I visited in Luxor were the Karnak Temple, Luxor museum and a perfume factory that made the raw essences of many of the perfumes we use today.  Luxor is like one giant archeological site, peoples homes are literally built next to the remnants of ancient temples. I also took a short mini-bus ride to the Valley of the Kings on the West bank.  I don't have the words to describe what I saw, it was just breathtaking.  Buildings were literally carved out of the mountain sides.  I remember going into Tutankhamun's tomb it was very eerie with a long steep pathway with railings on either side and hieroglyphics on the walls.  Everything seemed so symmetrical so perfect. I rememeber a local man telling me not to take pictures in side as it was considered bad luck to do so. I suppose some people are still superstitious.

It was a great experience, but the poverty I saw was quite upsetting at times.  I've not even seen that level of poverty in Jamaica. Theres such a big divide between the rich and the poor.  You do leave there with a sense of sadness, that you'll never be able to meet the people responsible for building such wonders, thats how I felt anyway.  I also wonder what legacy the 21st century will leave behind Lonelygirl, who knows!