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[constant stranger]

I lurk on this site every day and comment on other peoples' posts occasionally, but it's only fair that I contribute too.

My only functional social contacts are the university extension master gardener group, and my place with them seems a little problematic.......by my own making it so.

Last year I agreed to serve on a committee and really didn't like it.....the prob was pure inferiority complex on my part.....the M.G.'s who know me were OK, the local museum director, the Parks Dept. director, the City engineer and two local bank managers were all cordial enough, but I felt so in over my head......like the unpopular kid in school sitting with the 'really cool people'. Nobody to blame but myself.

I almost quit the movement but thought better of it.....and privately announced I'd resign committee work as of the new year. Now I merely have responsibility for a corner of one of the public parks.......working in my comfort zone with trees, shrubs and mulch beds etc.......and the blue collar types from the Parks dept.

On the positive side, I've arranged for the M.G.'s May meeting to be held at a local organic, community co-operative produce farm. I know the owner from a bee keeper's class. It's probably trivial, but I feel ridiculously self satisfied.....like I'm mitigating my self perceived 'failure' in not doing so well at contributing enough around the committee's conference table.

And I'm the caregiver for my nonagenarian, mood disordered mother. That's an ongoing thing in my life. She doesn't make it easy. We live on a rural acreage that could be my pleasure to be custodian of.....were it not for her mood swing. In depression, she thinks everything is going wrong and nothing is good. In manic upswing mood, she is full of unrealistically ambitious plans. Managing her is not easy.

My dog is probably my best friend. Also a lady I talk with online......whom I knew when we were both young and growing up a very long way from where either one of us is now.

So I'm not in crisis, just a monotonous, discontented series of chores without joy. This can't be as good as it gets?

 

[Regumika]

It's interesting to have a change of pace on this forum, actually. It's pretty consistent that these threads are about personal problems, and rightfully so. We all want to find those that understand and share the same pain and (sometimes) accept solutions to these pains. If we got a cut and it hurts, we don't really find out who else had received cuts before and talk about how much it hurts, do we? No, we take care of the cut. So should we with our emotional and social pains.

Well, I should check in as well... (sorry constant stranger for using your thread!). Yeah, my life has been pretty monotnous as well. When I joined the forum 2 and half years ago, I was going through separation. 3 months from now, divorce will finally be completed and I'll be a free man. So far I've just been worrying about myself and preparing to live the single life (but I still have the vision of having my own family one day). There is a girl that have been talking to the last year and that has been going very very slowly. I am not complaining, this is teaching me patience and that not everything will go by my timetable. I easily make decisions and have strong conviction for my decisions, but not everyone is like that. Some take much longer to come to conclusions. We're meeting for the first time in September. We have texts maybe once every other day (but very meaningful and long, single, texts).

My job is quite good. I love going to work. I don't have stress from work. I do have overtime, but that makes me tired, not stressed. I've been on financial crisis for the last year but I'm finally getting through it (with smart spending). I work hard and have sacrifices.

Answering the question "this can't be as good as it gets?" As cliche as it sounds, it really is as good as we make it. Is the lady you talk to the best lady out there? Nope. If you never met her you would one day meet someone else who you think is "the best thing." There is always something/someone better but it's our thoughts that dictate that. Is this as good as it gets? Up to you.

 

[constant stranger]

Feel free to use the thread Regumika, any comment at all is more welcome than a post sitting there all alone.

 

[SofiasMami]

I lurk on this site every day and comment on other peoples' posts occasionally, but it's only fair that I contribute too.

...So I'm not in crisis, just a monotonous, discontented series of chores without joy. This can't be as good as it gets?

Hi there, constant stranger
I've seen your posts here and there but didn't know much about you so thanks for posting
I'm mostly a lurker too but post from time to time.

A monotonous, discontented series of chores without joy describes most of my days but this is also punctuated from time to time with moments of unjustified sheer panic. "Is my car going to break down and leave me stranded today?" "Does that twinge mean I have cancer?" "Why did I decide to rent a home that is expensive? I'm going to wind up penniless and homeless." "I'd like to take a day trip to San Francisco but I don't know my way around and what if I get lost?"
I have a job that I love but not able to enjoy the fruits of my labor because of the cost of living here. My daughter and I moved twice in the last 16 months as the homeowner of the last place we lived in decided 4 months into the 1 year lease that he wanted to sell the house and would I mind breaking the lease and moving out early. (I said no on breaking the lease.) I own a condo but decided to become an unwilling landlord and rent it out as the neighborhood went bad and I have negative equity at the moment.
My social life consists mostly of my job. I moved desks a few months ago and now sit next to a lively bunch. I didn't think I would like that (I like quiet) but it turned out to be great. Where I used to sit, I could go days without having a conversation with anyone. Funny how when you think you'll hate something it turns out to be something else entirely.
I'd like to get back into violin lessons. I miss it everyday. I want to cry when I think about how I miss it. When I get back on a firm financial footing, I will contact my teacher again.

Is this as good as it gets? Who knows. I try not to think about that too much.

Thank you, constant stranger & Regumika for sharing

-Teresa

 

[QuesT]

So I'm not in crisis, just a monotonous, discontented series of chores without joy. This can't be as good as it gets?

I've already expressed this sentiment a handful of times since I rejoined ALL only a couple a days ago, so I'm afraid I'll annoy people if I keep saying it (then again I doubt there are people reading all of my posts lol), but just in case it might spark something in you I'll say it.. Cuz the last part of your post that I quoted above is a powerful thought and it demands an answer I would say. Even if it's not the end-all be-all answer that solves the universe, it just might help bring a little joy.

Pain demands to be felt.

That's just a quote from the movie "A Fault In Our Stars." I don't even know if it relates. Anyways...

I guess I have a couple of questions and a couple of thoughts..

Do you wish to be free of your current situation or do you want to try to find joy in the midst of it?

I believe joy can often be reduced to a state of mind. If you can find a way to view your life or frame your life that feels more exciting, maybe it will become so.

How bad do you find these chores? Is there no reward to be found in what you do each day?

I believe if you want things to get better and you try on some level to improve your circumstance and find the joy that you seek it will be yours in time.

Anyways, I could go on, but because I'm a little self-conscience and worried I come across as an idiot I'll stop for now. I also wonder if I'm too young to have anything of value to say of these matters. But here's hoping you find something that helps. Cheers

QuesT

Find your beach.

 

[constant stranger]

It's good to hear from all three of you! Regumika, the lady I talk to is someone I knew pretty well for 9 years....although we haven't met since 1968 or so.

SofiasMami, your moments of 'unjustified sheer panic' seem awfully familiar to me! I have them all the time....

QuesT......do I wish to be free of my current situation? Hard call. I'm the only care giver for my mood disordered, very dependent mother who's going to turn 91 in a few weeks. Without me she'd be lost.
Also, I'm the sole inheritor of this 12 acre rural property, the house, cars, tools, outbuildings.....everything. And a working farm too, with an excellent operator who's easy to work with.

So to be free of my current situation would come at a cost. Perhaps not materially but certainly spiritually. Look, I walked in on a suicide gesture by this same mother when I was 5 years old......she and I have been on a long strange trip for a long time....I've been a caregiver in one way and another for a lot of years, and that out on a ledge thing has been a secret that nobody else ever knew about.

So I'm in on this taking care of her thing for the duration. Until she goes into the ground. It's my choice and it's come with a price. A cost I and a long strange trip that I didn't know about at the beginning but I sure do now. It's a basic point of human responsibility to keep on doing what I started, all those years ago.

Too bad I hate my life, but it's the one I've got. And it's been my choice.

 

[Nicolelt]

I just read your OP and we need to be friends!

I want to be a master gardener, but I don't have time right now. And lately I have been interested in urban forestry. I want to take my students out and have them document the trees in the small town our school is in. And then create maps of with all the trees marked.

 

[constant stranger]

Being friends is doable, Nicolelt....how nice!

I think encouraging students to real life experience of trees and urban forestry is an excellent idea. Too many youngsters are seeing nature as pixelated images on their devices' screens without enough seeing, touching, hearing and smelling the real thing.

You live in a small town eh? Any nearby woods, hedgerows, meadows or wetlands etc for field trips?