Mental Flotsam

[Augustine-Aubergine]

I'm 17 soon, and in my final year of high school. I find it hard to type about things like this, because as soon as it's typed I tell myself how stupid and pathetic it all is. It's like this every day of my life; as soon as I find any little scrap of purpose or inspiration in life, it's beaten away with self depreciating thoughts. It's as if my mental immune system is targeting the wrong ******* bacteria.

When I was a kid I'd always felt kind of detached and empty compared to my peers, but only realised it was a sickness and 'abnormal' when my Granddad killed himself. The act itself wasn't the issue- it was that I had a name for it. Suddenly depression was everywhere; I saw it in my parents, my brother, my grandparents...and even my 'wholesome' friends. It was so confronting, because suddenly everything was tainted with the brush of depression; meaningfulness seemed to seep from everything I knew and understood. I would go down to the bottom of our garden and cry because infinity scared me.

But now that's morphed into something a little more specific; I have nothing to offer anybody. I had a friend over recently who is tirelessly active (to keep from dwelling), and she was talking about her intense social life, and kept asking me provocative questions. I was silent for ages, then I said, "I feel like I have nothing to offer you." And it's true. Society demands atleast one of 4 things:

a) Attractive Appearance
b) Intellect/Knowledge
c) Good Personality
d) Creativity

I'm not pretty, I'm sour and jaded, and even though I love art and literature, any inspiration that leaks in is shutoff almost instantly. That only leaves knowledge. So basically I've been madly ballooning my mind with politics, culture and history for the past year. I felt like it was the only way I could ever contribute anything. But now I feel myself coming down from the high, and before where I used to say, "Hm, I'm not feeling great...maybe I should drop in on Wiki." I'm now saying, "You're a worthless phony, you're a worthless phony, you're a worthless phony."

I'm lonely because I know I always will be. No one could ever want to be with me, because I really am a worthless phony. Each day I come home from school and my depressed, implosive, Uni dropout, geek brother is always there. I'm never alone which makes me feel lonelier. I just want to travel and never have to pay electricity bills, or go to the same supermarket more than 5 times, or have to maintain contact with my family, or have the same people not talk to me day after day after day.

I know this is just a barrage of half formed and confronting ideas, and I don't expect any response...but I think I just needed even one person to know.

 

[Guest]

I know, I can resonate with you, I am 45 and wish I was 17 again, but to do it all over again would exhaust me.

I find meditation helps, anyway I know you are not a worthless phoney, because that would make me one too and I refuse to be.

Sorry that probably didn't help at all.

 

[DreamingOfValdez]

"I would go down to the bottom of our garden and cry because infinity scared me."

Your're not alone. When I was 8 or 9, My Grandmother died. I didn't understand what was going on. When it was all explained to me, I freaked out a little. I didn't want to die, and I was scared to live. I had dreams about being buried alive. Rotting in a hole for eternity. I had dreams that my great-grandmother (who died the year before) woke up in her coffin and tried to scratch her way out.

 

[Augustine-Aubergine]

"I would go down to the bottom of our garden and cry because infinity scared me."

Your're not alone. When I was 8 or 9, My Grandmother died. I didn't understand what was going on. When it was all explained to me, I freaked out a little. I didn't want to die, and I was scared to live. I had dreams about being buried alive. Rotting in a hole for eternity. I had dreams that my great-grandmother (who died the year before) woke up in her coffin and tried to scratch her way out.

Mmm, I think a great majority of kids who, when they first have to come to terms with Real Life, freak out a bit. It's a scary thing when you've lived in such a small, comforting world your entire life, and then suddenly learn about what appears to be such a sinister and bleak infinity. (That sounds so melodramatic!)

By the by- a very good friend of our family used to live in Valdez...it's an absolutely stunning place.

Hang in there, Augustine-Aubergine!
You seem like a bright and eloquent young woman. Do whatever you can to finish school and get out of the house, and things will change.

I'm counting on it!

I know, I can resonate with you, I am 45 and wish I was 17 again, but to do it all over again would exhaust me.

I find meditation helps, anyway I know you are not a worthless phoney, because that would make me one too and I refuse to be.

Sorry that probably didn't help at all.

Thanks for that; I will try harder to have more zone-out me-times (aka meditation).

 

[Augustine-Aubergine]

Can't say it wasn't expected. Cya.